Naleena
Well-known member
How Judging Yourself and Others Can Ruin Your Live
By
Bernadine Glori Celis
I made a big revelation this week. I became aware of how much my judgments were affecting the way I felt about others and myself. I have been in counseling and support groups for many years of my life. I am now 48 years old. The other day I was with a friend of mine and we were going to pick up a TV set. He had a very difficult time finding this place. I noticed the longer we couldn’t find it the more bothered I became. I had heard a question in a support group I have been going to for many years come in my head, “ What does that say about you?” If we can’t find this address, what does that say about me? I knew the answer “should” have been nothing. I knew because of all the counseling I’ve had that if I was bothered that it said something about me. What I came up with were just a few of the following judgments. “ I’m stupid if it takes this long to find the place.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m dumb” “I’m retarded.” “Can’t I even find a simple address?” “I must be screwed up because I can’t find this address>” What makes this all so interesting is the fact that I was not saying those statements consciously in my head. All of those statements were unconscious until I asked myself the question. “What does it say about me if I can’t find this place?”
I also came to the realization that I have been doing this all of my life, taking everything personally. I remember feeling really bothered if I found out my car needed repairs. I would feel like I was messed up. When I was raising my kids and they were upset that meant I was screwed up. If they got hurt I had done something wrong.
I was raised in an alcoholic home. I realize now my mother didn’t like herself. I see most people with low self-esteem putting a negative meaning on themselves about things that have nothing to do with them. If someone close to them is having a bad day, that means something’s wrong with them. If the refrigerator breaks down that means they messed up. The end result is it causes people to get angry and become very defensive.
A few months ago I was in New Directions when we did a visualization. It was our adult selves meeting up with our child selves. In the past this has always brought discomfort to me. I have not felt too loving toward myself as a child when I think of myself as a child. This time was different. This time when I put myself in “my child’s shoes” I thought as I did as a child, “I don’t trust anybody including myself.” (You might think that is strange that I can’t even be open enough to myself to let me in, so to speak. I certainly found that interesting.) When I thought of my self as the adult in the visualization who is standing beside myself as the child with no trust I thought, “That is perfectly ok, If you don’t trust me that is fine. You are ok where you are. You don’t need to change to make me ok. You stay not trusting me for as long as you need to. I felt, for the first time, I was being kind and loving to my child inside. I learned to do that by adopting two dogs that were scared to death. I gained their trust by letting them be scared. Slowly but surely they trusted me. I thought if I can do that for my dogs that I loved dearly I could certainly do that for myself. I did that by not judging my dogs for being fearful and by not judging myself for not trusting myself.
I feel like judgments have kept me a prisoner of my thoughts and feelings. Removing my judgments have set me free, Many times in my past I was not aware that I was judging myself and others. I now recognize when I am being judgmental. When you become aware that gives you more options and choices. The more choices you have the more ways you have to respond or react to people or events.
http://2gethelp.blogs.com/takingcontrol/2007/12/how-judging-you.html
By
Bernadine Glori Celis
I made a big revelation this week. I became aware of how much my judgments were affecting the way I felt about others and myself. I have been in counseling and support groups for many years of my life. I am now 48 years old. The other day I was with a friend of mine and we were going to pick up a TV set. He had a very difficult time finding this place. I noticed the longer we couldn’t find it the more bothered I became. I had heard a question in a support group I have been going to for many years come in my head, “ What does that say about you?” If we can’t find this address, what does that say about me? I knew the answer “should” have been nothing. I knew because of all the counseling I’ve had that if I was bothered that it said something about me. What I came up with were just a few of the following judgments. “ I’m stupid if it takes this long to find the place.” “What’s wrong with me?” “I’m dumb” “I’m retarded.” “Can’t I even find a simple address?” “I must be screwed up because I can’t find this address>” What makes this all so interesting is the fact that I was not saying those statements consciously in my head. All of those statements were unconscious until I asked myself the question. “What does it say about me if I can’t find this place?”
I also came to the realization that I have been doing this all of my life, taking everything personally. I remember feeling really bothered if I found out my car needed repairs. I would feel like I was messed up. When I was raising my kids and they were upset that meant I was screwed up. If they got hurt I had done something wrong.
I was raised in an alcoholic home. I realize now my mother didn’t like herself. I see most people with low self-esteem putting a negative meaning on themselves about things that have nothing to do with them. If someone close to them is having a bad day, that means something’s wrong with them. If the refrigerator breaks down that means they messed up. The end result is it causes people to get angry and become very defensive.
A few months ago I was in New Directions when we did a visualization. It was our adult selves meeting up with our child selves. In the past this has always brought discomfort to me. I have not felt too loving toward myself as a child when I think of myself as a child. This time was different. This time when I put myself in “my child’s shoes” I thought as I did as a child, “I don’t trust anybody including myself.” (You might think that is strange that I can’t even be open enough to myself to let me in, so to speak. I certainly found that interesting.) When I thought of my self as the adult in the visualization who is standing beside myself as the child with no trust I thought, “That is perfectly ok, If you don’t trust me that is fine. You are ok where you are. You don’t need to change to make me ok. You stay not trusting me for as long as you need to. I felt, for the first time, I was being kind and loving to my child inside. I learned to do that by adopting two dogs that were scared to death. I gained their trust by letting them be scared. Slowly but surely they trusted me. I thought if I can do that for my dogs that I loved dearly I could certainly do that for myself. I did that by not judging my dogs for being fearful and by not judging myself for not trusting myself.
I feel like judgments have kept me a prisoner of my thoughts and feelings. Removing my judgments have set me free, Many times in my past I was not aware that I was judging myself and others. I now recognize when I am being judgmental. When you become aware that gives you more options and choices. The more choices you have the more ways you have to respond or react to people or events.
http://2gethelp.blogs.com/takingcontrol/2007/12/how-judging-you.html
