My apologies in advance, this will not be a very uplifting post. I currently see a therapist, but there are even things I wont tell her, I guess for fear of judgement. But I need to talk about it somehwere. Thats how I found this site. Here goes....my journey into absolute loneliness.
6 years ago, I received news, terrible news that no parent ever, ever wants to hear. My second son, and daughter came to us, and told us that years earlier they had been molested. By my oldest son. Its the worst case scenario. At least if it were an outside party, I could focus my rage, and hatred on them. But is my own son. What the hell is a person to do? We sent him to jail, thats what we did. And it tore our family to shreds. My daughter may never have a normal relationship, and my second son, well....he has been completely crippled by this.
Several months after this happened, i started having chest pains. I go to the doctor, and my blood pressure is 200/120. Genetic high blood pressure. And it has damaged my body. I now take medication for high bloof pressure that makes me feel TERRIBLE, and for artery spasms. A result of years of high blood pressure.
Last year, 2020, my sister dies of a hemmorhagic stroke. Caused by the exact same condition that i have. She was 2 years older than me.
There have been other things. Work related, life related that Ive been through. But those are some of the worst things.
I tell you this because, I have basically left the world behind in my head. I am alone every single night, and I am not the same person I once was. I have beem negatively transformed. Ive tried so hard to fight, and have some sort of normal life. But I am broken to my core. And I feel SO lonely sometimes. But the thought of normal life almost makes me laugh hysterically. Like, yeah right!! Have one normal night?? Its NOT POSSIBLE anymore. The thought of dating, of friemdships, even pets. Its an absolute NO in my book now.
I used to be social, and fun. Play sports. Date girls. Lift weights. HAVE FUN! Its all been taken away...And all thats left is crippling, unrelenting loneliness.
I HATE my life right now. I would never end my own life. But I ******* hate it.
6 years ago, I received news, terrible news that no parent ever, ever wants to hear. My second son, and daughter came to us, and told us that years earlier they had been molested. By my oldest son. Its the worst case scenario. At least if it were an outside party, I could focus my rage, and hatred on them. But is my own son. What the hell is a person to do? We sent him to jail, thats what we did. And it tore our family to shreds. My daughter may never have a normal relationship, and my second son, well....he has been completely crippled by this.
Several months after this happened, i started having chest pains. I go to the doctor, and my blood pressure is 200/120. Genetic high blood pressure. And it has damaged my body. I now take medication for high bloof pressure that makes me feel TERRIBLE, and for artery spasms. A result of years of high blood pressure.
Last year, 2020, my sister dies of a hemmorhagic stroke. Caused by the exact same condition that i have. She was 2 years older than me.
There have been other things. Work related, life related that Ive been through. But those are some of the worst things.
I tell you this because, I have basically left the world behind in my head. I am alone every single night, and I am not the same person I once was. I have beem negatively transformed. Ive tried so hard to fight, and have some sort of normal life. But I am broken to my core. And I feel SO lonely sometimes. But the thought of normal life almost makes me laugh hysterically. Like, yeah right!! Have one normal night?? Its NOT POSSIBLE anymore. The thought of dating, of friemdships, even pets. Its an absolute NO in my book now.
I used to be social, and fun. Play sports. Date girls. Lift weights. HAVE FUN! Its all been taken away...And all thats left is crippling, unrelenting loneliness.
I HATE my life right now. I would never end my own life. But I ******* hate it.