When feeling ceases to be but thought

[Niantiel]

Emotionally, I'm sort of numb
I'm rather misanthropic. I don't like people, I stray away from them as if they're a disease. I've been through Hell with people. Seriously. Like, ACTUAL Hell with people. My father's an out of control alcoholic who was never there, I've buried 2 people from opiate addictions, and 3 people from cancer, and my mother and sister are opiate addicts. I've lost (or rather, gave up) the love of my life and accepted the reality that I wasn't enough for her, despite her still willing to be in contact with me (although, it does seem sort of one-sided. I'm over it, I've dealt with it mostly. She's still in it though.)

My mind is racing though.
All the time, never ceasing, totally unending.
Without emotional attachment, the mind can go rather...awry, for a lack of a better way of putting it....
I have like 2, maybe 4 friends in person who unconditionally love me.
But what's unfortunate, is that, I cannot reciprocate that as they do.
My love for them is like a family bond.
And, my relationship with my family is lessening due to my disassociation with them because of the opiate thing....

Honestly, I can't handle it. That's really, what it is. I don't wanna be around it. I had to be in a car once where both my mother and sister shot up in the front seat. After that, I started to shed my emotions for them. My sister is 22, almost 23. She's up for assistance to grand theft (first offense) and driving on a suspended license (second offense), and my mom, is diabetic and morbidly obese at 300+ lbs with all sorts of messed up health problems, and dad is pretty much going to drink himself to death and doesn't put it to financial terms.

I do drink heavily on my own....but, I'm smarter about it than my father.
I put my health and responsibilities first. All the while, knowing that I have the potency to become even more of an alcoholic than I already am. Yet I don't give into that, because to do so would be senseless.

So, I slide my drinking on a scale, really. If I drink super heavily, I'll drink lighter the next few weeks and try to dwindle myself down some over the course of a month, so that the next time I decided to drink super heavily it's the same bang for the same buck and it doesn't go any further than that. I've came up with a system for it. As I have for most things in my life.

I'm actually fairly successful, and pretty open-minded. I'm totally obsessed with art, music, and animals. Although, I have enough control of myself to not give into that which I love because it will wreck my security.

and that's really what the brunt of everything comes down to, behind all the walls, traps, mazes, and fortifications I've made....I need my security. It's an instinctive necessity to me. To threaten that unto me, is quite literally to threaten your own life. Which, heh, puts me in an extremely interesting position professionally....

Furthermore, I'm fairly ideologically contrast to that which raises me to be as I have so become in my succession. I'm rather not contrary (not intentionally so, at least) and I'm actually pretty forward and nice and respectful. Sometimes, I'll be a bit too forward and blunt, but I'm pretty much always respectful of other people as much as I can be.

But what I lack, is reciprocals for other people who love me...
It kind of leads me into, being rather paranoid.
So, the baseness of my emotional hemisphere rises while the top of it collapses....

Multiple people that I actually am more open and honest with have said that it's because I'm probably some form of schiz. and that I should see a doctor, and stop ******* around with my interests in occult studies and psychedelic drugs, bbbuuutttt.....Ii don't trip often, in fact, quite rarely. I smoke weed more than I trip, and I only smoke like 3 times a year.

I've got a good job. It's through a corrupt company, hellbent on greed, but it's a good job nevertheless. All in all, I live life to succeed for myself now. It just never ceases to fail, I guess....after all that I do for myself, I come home, and go to bed alone....I've had sex once in the last 2.5 years, and only been on 2 dates maybe and the rest of the time and matter was pretty much me being open and honest and getting rejected (which is fine, I can handle that alright. I'm cool with friendship). But, it usually doesn't work that way. Typically, my interests and demands for romanticism are too high, or maybe it's just the state and area I'm living in. Truly, I want an independent woman who can cover her own ass who just wants to be in a relationship with someone of her equal level. Someone who doesn't need another person necessarily, but chooses to have one. Someone who's honest with me, and will work with me to improve my flaws so that I can feel normal.

But with all of that, there's just thought.
It surmounts to just thought.
The negative things as they slowly manifest into realities and horrors for my existence, are exactly that, negative things, which is why I stray from them.

....But, what do I cling to, if I feel Nothing, and essentially have Nothing??
....Some years ago, I had a spiritual revelation among a hallucination that sort of changed me, and made me into the driving force that I've become....that sort of became my sole mission in life. To live a successful life.

Not to confuse success with finance.
I am in good financial standing, but that's not what success is to me.
Success to me, is Freedom, and the Knowledge of the Dead...which are my highest values in life...Death, Knowledge, and Freedom, in that order....

Truly, I'd like a sober life. It has it's benefits to it.
I'd be able to shuffle my cards better.
But, recession is a ************, and like I said, I'm no cocky millionaire.

I am simply, and easily put: Hellbound.

I think Selim Lemouchi (RIK) put it best when he wrote what is now upon his epitaph:

"Neither here nor there
Above or Below;
Into the night I go."

Via his song "White Storm of Teeth."

I have empathy, a connectivity to all that is around me, but it falls upon like, emotionally dead receptacles. I've had that problem for THE LONGEST time. Before I started drinking and other things. I remember having that problem like 12 years ago, when I was 14.

It's a total flattening of the emotional hemisphere, one that consumes even the ego itself (I personally believe the ego is bad for the soul anyhow).

Please, for the love of fresia someone just tell me that they understand so I don't seem like a babbling lunatic.... I'm hoping that there's no possible way that I'm the only person here who's experienced depression in this highest decree.

What's worse is, that going back into the light, is like being born again.
The first thing that you feel is pain, which immediately reminds you of why you somehow shut everything off to yourself in the first place.

 

[mgill]

i can relate to your experience. i do not have any addiction issues and do not drink or take drugs myself.i am also financially stable and live a very simple life. i have always felt like outsider when it came to other people and got very down on myself because i blamed it on not being good enough or personally lacking something. after many years of frustration, depression and trying to fit in, i have come to the conclusion that there are just some people who do not fit in with society and never will. in some ways, this is a good thing-it brings to mind the statement by Jiddu Krishnamurti-"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." for example, i do not and have not ever owned a cell phone because i find them to be far too intrusive and see how most people are almost physically addicted to them. i also strive to live my morals as best as possible and strongly believe in non-violence which causes most people to consider me an extremist. i refuse to compromise my beliefs in order to better fit in and realize that this will (and has) severely limited my options when it comes to social interaction. it has also caused a separation between myself and my family with whom i have very ittle contact with.

in other ways, it can be very lonely at times. i have few friends and the ones i do have no longer live in the same state as i do. women who i find attractive are not interested in me so i also live a sexless life. i am in excellent physical shape but am 48 years old, am short at 5'6" and have a shaved head. i also refuse to accept someone i am not attracted to just to avoid being alone. i did this when i was young and it ended up in a failed 20 year marriage.

i wish i had some advice for you but i have pretty much accepted the way things are myself so have little to offer you in this area beyond that. i would suggest giving up drinking though as nothing good can come of it, physically, mentally or spiritually. i have also found some kind of meditation practice to help the unending thoughts. i started taking tai chi classes 8 years ago and now i teach it. that, along with weight lifting which i have been doing for 30 years helps take the edge off my lonliness and depression.

didn't mean to hyjack your thread but maybe it will help you to know that there are others in a similar situation. empathy and awareness are very powerful gifts but can also be a curse when there is so little of them both in the world-there is something profoundly wrong when compassion is considered to be "extreme" while being selfish, greedy and uncaring is considered the norm.

 

[constant stranger]

Control is important for you. Your self destructive family are not in control and are circling the drain. But you're gambling dangerously with your drinking. If you were in real control, you'd prove it by quitting the bottle.

Trust is a real issue for you. Your family are utterly untrustworthy. And you can't reciprocate your friends' love because you're keeping yourself safe.....they might be as untrustworthy as your junky, drunk, obese family.

I don't envy the limbo that you're in.....eventually you're going to have to take some risks with trusting people and risking the loss of control that's important for you.

 

[Niantiel]

I think I might have thought myself out of the situation...
I'm going to take up a secondary part-time job.
At my old restaurant job.
Now, I'm doing it in a way that's quite limiting, which will restrict my lifestyle as it compresses my time of availability.

I work 6:30 AM - 6:00 PM at my current job. Monday - Friday.
If I go back to my old job as a part-time job on the side to help my finances out, it will be from 11:00 PM - 4:00 AM.

Which would be ideal.

Weekends are outright, and are mine.
Saturday's will resume to be band practice and seeing my friends.
Which leaves Sunday's and Friday's after I get out of work at my current job (we always get out by 4:00 PM or 4:30 PM on Friday's) to do whatever responsibilities I need to take care of.

Which leaves my weekends to where I can flipflop my grocery shopping, or other home responsibilities around.


This will knock me off the bottle.
Because it will constrict my life to where I basically will have to be sober all the time.

Plus this will greatly help with my financial issues.
So it might work out.

I don't really have anyone else I can rely on, is the problem.

I had a breaking point, over the weekend, where the drug usage of my mom and my sister REALLY emotionally got to me. Most people, as far as I know of at least, don't typically have to watch both their mother and sister shoot up a synthetic heroin in the front seat of a car from the back seat...

So yeah, that drama in my life, along with my failed relationship and it's perpetual retraction, because, as much as I appreciate my roommate's company (my former lover) and we remain friends, it's more like distant friends, because she's got her own life now, and we're talking less and less just because she's got her life and I've got mine. The only problem is that I'm about my financial priorities and my personal responsibilities first and foremost in my life. Not necessarily because I want to be, but because, well, I HAVE to be. I mean, Like I said, I'm pretty much alone, and when you're alone on an island, you've got to put yourself first. What makes me sketch with her though is that she's got her own set of mental illnesses, and she can be a bit flakey....her priorities are all messed up, and well, she's lazy in her own right. Her life is nearly as Hellish as mine is, I just....have a fight in me, that she doesn't, I guess. I think it's the difference between me being more independent and her being pretty much solely co-dependent.

So eventually that'll disappear.
As for my friends? Um, their families have money.
So if they fresia their lives up they've got something to lean back on somewhere.
I don't have that, I never have, so I've got to do this on my own.


Now despite that, I actually had a rather eye-opening and beautifully chaotic weekend last weekend. That granted me a bit of personal insight....
I hit the bottle, hard, harder than I have in a couple of years.
While sort of blacked out, my sister called me crying about arguing with mom over who's drugs where who's and where missing money was etc.
So, I turned around and called my mother up, and gave her the uncensored "what the fresia are you doing? why are you taking street drugs with your daughter?" etc. speech....I'm going to apologize for going off on her like that tomorrow, but, I mean, I'm human. I can only hold honeysuckle in for so **** long.
After that, I was like an hour late for band practice, and was feeling furthermore self-destructive.
So, I bought a couple of bottles of whiskey, and showed up with a surprise for them. We all drank, played music, had sincere deep conversations, and they were kind enough to babysit me through it all.
When playing though, my creative spark lit up again.
So I'm actually back to writing again and mending my damaged areas of my soul as well.
I'd forgotten that in the highest aspects of my time, I was the most self-destructive, for the sake of my providence.
So, that being said, onward to fix things up in my life.

I know that it won't last forever, but it's a temporary fix, and that's really just all that I need, is to buy some time until the end of the year.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hello Niantiel.

None of what you wrote in this thread of yours is babbling nonsense because I understand you perfectly and can relate to some of the things you said. I won't touch upon everything right now but I just want to say that, after reading about your life here, I'm thinking, that's just so messed up, how people can be and the fact that you are even able to write these things and be self-aware to some extent just shows what an individual you are.

I hope you continue to strive to do better or at least feel better in your life. I certainly hope that you will achieve this at some point, sooner rather than later.

Truly, I want an independent woman who can cover her own ass who just wants to be in a relationship with someone of her equal level. Someone who doesn't need another person necessarily, but chooses to have one. Someone who's honest with me, and will work with me to improve my flaws so that I can feel normal.

Honestly speaking, this is how I see relationships should be. Of course this is just how I prefer things to be in a relationship where the other person is independent, self-aware, knows the right from the wrong and can take care of themselves for the most part. Because that is how I am. It'd be nice to find someone who is on the same wavelength as you. And I could not have put it any better, "someone who doesn't "need" another person necessarily but chooses to have one". I think that's really how I see it too but this isn't exactly something most people could relate to. Not when it comes to "love". Of course, honesty is always the most important thing to me in any case, so I agree with you on this.

Please, for the love of fresia someone just tell me that they understand so I don't seem like a babbling lunatic.... I'm hoping that there's no possible way that I'm the only person here who's experienced depression in this highest decree.

What's worse is, that going back into the light, is like being born again.
The first thing that you feel is pain, which immediately reminds you of why you somehow shut everything off to yourself in the first place.

Depression, you say? What if someone feels some of these things too but they don't think they're depressed? I've come to think of some of things you've stated in your posts here and sometimes when I talk to people about some of these thoughts they feel that I may be depressed. However, I don't feel depressed at all. Neither do I feel negative, but rather I feel like I'm just being realistic here. But countless number of people both offline and online have told me they think I'm probably depressed. I refuse to accept this though.

This will knock me off the bottle.
Because it will constrict my life to where I basically will have to be sober all the time.

Plus this will greatly help with my financial issues.
So it might work out.

I don't really have anyone else I can rely on, is the problem.

Well, when I read that schedule of yours when you take up that secondary part-time job, I thought you're just overworking yourself.

Then I realise that you're trying to keep off the bottle and not that I'm encouraging anything, but if it was me, I'd probably try to do the same. Sometimes you gotta do what you just gotta do. I wish you all the best in this though and I hope it works out for you. I know it's not easy. You say you don't have anyone else you can rely on, well, I'd say you've got the forum. I know that doesn't sound like much, but talking to people here who can relate might help and you can somewhat rely on the forum always being here and people cheering you on. At least I would, I'm rooting for you here in kicking this habit. Good luck.

While sort of blacked out, my sister called me crying about arguing with mom over who's drugs where who's and where missing money was etc.
So, I turned around and called my mother up, and gave her the uncensored "what the fresia are you doing? why are you taking street drugs with your daughter?" etc. speech....I'm going to apologize for going off on her like that tomorrow, but, I mean, I'm human. I can only hold honeysuckle in for so **** long.

Apologise? Are you freaking kidding me? If I were you, I wouldn't apologise to them. For goodness sake, seriously...... they don't deserve an apology for you trying to shake them out of their bad habits and how are they doing such things going to help anyone or help their lives? Gosh. Such wasted lives where they can actually do anything they want and achieve what they'd like if they were to put in the same amount of effort doing drugs into working for much better things in life. I don't blame you for going off on them like that.

So I'm actually back to writing again and mending my damaged areas of my soul as well.
I'd forgotten that in the highest aspects of my time, I was the most self-destructive, for the sake of my providence.
So, that being said, onward to fix things up in my life.

I know that it won't last forever, but it's a temporary fix, and that's really just all that I need, is to buy some time until the end of the year.

I feel like I can relate to this so much but I also feel like I have no control over trying to fix things up in my life. And any good day that comes by, I now rejoice in them, even if it's just for a mere second. If that's all I'll have, that's all I'll take.

I do wish you good luck on this journey. It'd be nice to see you keep us updated around here.