Commonwealth
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- Joined
- Aug 3, 2010
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I get rousted out of my sleep sometimes when nature calls. I find there's something frightening about that hour of the night because there isn’t no fooling yourself about what you done or what you hadn't done with your life.
I've had ups and downs all my life and feel that i was never really given the tools to deal with most emotional setbacks and low points. However 2 years ago i was working in Pharmacy my trade of choice and just finished schooling for and found at my second job in the career what i felt was the perfect work place. It was a little far from home but i had multiple transit buses that ran to work and the hours where a real rarity these days of a 9-5 with weekends off. I really enjoyed helping people and seeing the application of my work and it meaning something. That and i get along with old folks real well, I was brought up to have respect for your elders and i see more and more the frustration and shock the changing world has on them as i get older myself.
Anyway I met a lovely lady whom visited my pharmacy for a medication daily for addiction treatment (I'm not going to site the drug name as i appreciate the anonymity of myself and her),She was a little neurotic but not in the literal sense, just really up beat and happy. I remember the first night we did something together. She lived just up the street from me and waited for me to get off work to take the bus home with me thought she had lost her bus pass and cried on my shoulder as "her father would kill her" , her father handling all of her money at the time as she was still in a "recovery stage”. She attempted to get clean many times but it was a staph infection in her heart that i think really scared her and time makes it right this time.
I remember getting off the bus and asking her what she was planning to have for dinner. She said “SpegettO’s”, I asked her to come over to my place and I’d cook for her. I think we had something like tacos and milkshakes or something. Being a fella then who liked his food and weighing about 290 lbs. at the time and her being on a fixed income just receiving government income assistance it was a nice treat for her. We really just clicked from there, or at least I think we did. Almost every night from then on we spent together, I can remember our first kiss watching a movie at my place.
We spent Christmas together watching my folks place while they were away. We made love for the first time.
I lost my job at the pharmacy, I never really understood why. I worked hard and a “Brother” in a fraternity I’m involved in affectionately parodied on the “Simpson’s” as “Stone cutters’, mentioned that I for lack of better words busted my ass there. I had never taken anything from there to put my job at risk. I was shown the door before my lunch break on a Friday afternoon, no two week notice, just the door.
Soon I had to leave my two floor little gem of an apartment with a woodstove due to unemployment. It was a blessing in a way because I moved into her place. I wasn’t really supposed due to her income reasons however it was kind of fun in that sense too. We had our arguments but I always made a point to share this idea and keep it with me that fights over little stuff is just small potatoes and the only thing that would ever seriously bother me is if she cheated on me did mention that she would like to have relations with a girl in the future as she had thought that she was bi-sexual. I felt that cheating was cheating and I can hear the stereotypical guy thought of “All right!” but that’s not me.
It was certainly hard for me to care about someone so much and hear all of the stories of what we called her “past life” working on the streets and her addiction, But I hope looking back I helped get a lot of that stuff off her chest. It was hard with her mood swings due to the medication taken for her to recover from her addiction and accompanying her to the pharmacy when she needed to go daily. There was a time I was lazy and didn’t go and I look back and think poorly that I didn’t.
We had to visit a food bank regularly then, a humble experience at best for some one that wasn’t used to i.e. be never brought up rich, a little spoiled but middle class. Food was something we never had to worry about. I was fortunate to see most of the world as a young man due to my father’s job in lenses.
We were really happy for the most part; we’d stay up all night and talk sometimes “camping out” in the living room like kids or sharing a single bed together that she had till I got mine there.
I and my girlfriend moved once again and I found work at a call center. I was losing weight, eating better. We started to have sex regularly as she was slowly getting more comfortable with those things again. I started smoking … again, but so did her .Life was getting better by the day and we were so happy together. We hadn’t fought in months and months. Her sister was up to visit so she could reconnect with her. It was a little demanding as she wanted to spoil her and I was the only one working so there was money pressure. It was a good visit and she did get to spoil her sister, after she left about a week later after her “getting clean” anniversary I proposed to her. I borrowed the money from my father and bought a beautiful white gold diamond cluster ring. I was worried she wouldn’t like it but we sort of discussed what she’d like in general terms. I remember when I came home afterwords and she drilled it out of me.I proposed in August on a warm humid day in our kitchen. She said yes. She went back to school in September and reconnected with her half-sister. Things were going along smoothly I thought, she thought that I was being a little hasty on setting a date but other than that it was going good.
Things got weird in the fall and early winter when she wanted to speak with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook and get “closure”. While I was a little put off by it and naturally worried , the pure honesty she was giving me by asking if it would be okay I felt that nothing would be wrong with it and said it would be okay. She soon wanted to visit her “home “town in another province and wanted to go after Christmas. I was happy to get her back to see her mother and family there. She has her father here to which we regularly shared his company when we could.
We had a couple of good fights over the simplest things, I feel so dumb now, but it was basically me lying about spending 5.00$ here or there on junk food between work breaks. I felt that I didn’t want to disappoint her in anyway and it bit me in the ass.She also found out that I lied about my past, Some things I meant to pump myself up with when we first met but didn’t come out right and I rolled with it.
She went on her trip, she ran out of money and I was being a little paranoid at the time because the ex-boyfriend lived where she was visiting. Against my own better judgment I read some e-mails on her school account after getting off the phone with her. I found that she had a plan to leave me and move there. Now we had discussed moving there together as she was feeling home sick. She had e-mails to the ex, nothing implying that an affair was going on but what I took from it was “I’m leaving him so don’t be a stranger” kind of thing.
I changed jobs to another call center but this call center was for an American web-based pharmacy so at least I was using a little of my education while still actively seeking employ in my field.
I asked her about it and we yelled at each other for a bit. I stayed in the apartment till she got back; I packed my stuff up and found another place. We she got back its almost like things where fine again and that there was hope. For the first couple of days it was sad and happy at the same time, Sad because she was leaving me but happy because it was almost as if she wasn’t going to leave. We were still making love and cuddling up at night and saying the “I love you’s”.Very weird. The days leading up to her leaving is when we both just started to argue more, she mentioned constantly that she was confused and never really loved me and things of that nature. The kind of stuff that stabs you right in your very soul. What I thought she felt for me was nothing but true love as I did for her. You might say I’m quite the romantic but I'm talking about something
Way beyond romance. Bone deep. You feel it just between the two of you. Now, if you stub your right toe,
The left toe feels it. Isn’t a he or she, or you or me. You're both just one.
She left; the day she left I lost my job once again. I’ve been unemployed since and it is month number seven. With the help of my fraternity I found an apartment owned by a member and they’ve been nothing but support and they keep me busy as they make fraternal pins and promotional products. I’ve done graphic design since 1997 so it was nice to be able to zone out in front of Photoshop and turn all of that energy to creativity.
I visit a food bank to feed myself, I’m lucky that internet is included in my rent as I cannot afford anything beyond my rent let alone a phone. I receive income assistance from the government to do so (i.e.-welfare).I’ve sent out to this date 4,000 plus resumes not counting cold calling. I’m either under qualified for a position or over qualified to flip burgers.
I’ve lost a lot of old friends over time and don’t have many left. As the months of summer are the close months for the fraternity I can usually go two to three weeks without speaking to someone or leaving the apartment other than job search related activities. I am lucky for I took two of the three cats. As sad as it sounds they are the closest things to friends I got. One should never underestimate the companionship of a pet.
I take some happiness away from music, literature and walks in the forest behind my apartment and around the nature trails surrounding the area.
I’m a lonely old fool, I’m twenty six years of age and I feel as If I’m sixty six. My mother has M.D. and Cancer and she has turned to alcohol and has been accustomed to disappearing for months at time usually service a jail sentence. Not something I would have imagined as a teenager. I’ve botched four of her suicide attempts, I’d say “Save her” but I don’t think I was.
Loneness is the worse councilor. I lost a woman I truly love and fall to pieces of I see a picture of her, This early morning I was on Facebook sending a message to her father whom I keep in good contact with and value as a friend. I see a picture of her and she looks wonderful. More beautiful than I can remember which I never thought was possible.Shes seeing younger “scene” punker/emo fellas now.
It’s hard that’s all. Typing this out helps and I commend anyone who takes the time to read it.
I've had ups and downs all my life and feel that i was never really given the tools to deal with most emotional setbacks and low points. However 2 years ago i was working in Pharmacy my trade of choice and just finished schooling for and found at my second job in the career what i felt was the perfect work place. It was a little far from home but i had multiple transit buses that ran to work and the hours where a real rarity these days of a 9-5 with weekends off. I really enjoyed helping people and seeing the application of my work and it meaning something. That and i get along with old folks real well, I was brought up to have respect for your elders and i see more and more the frustration and shock the changing world has on them as i get older myself.
Anyway I met a lovely lady whom visited my pharmacy for a medication daily for addiction treatment (I'm not going to site the drug name as i appreciate the anonymity of myself and her),She was a little neurotic but not in the literal sense, just really up beat and happy. I remember the first night we did something together. She lived just up the street from me and waited for me to get off work to take the bus home with me thought she had lost her bus pass and cried on my shoulder as "her father would kill her" , her father handling all of her money at the time as she was still in a "recovery stage”. She attempted to get clean many times but it was a staph infection in her heart that i think really scared her and time makes it right this time.
I remember getting off the bus and asking her what she was planning to have for dinner. She said “SpegettO’s”, I asked her to come over to my place and I’d cook for her. I think we had something like tacos and milkshakes or something. Being a fella then who liked his food and weighing about 290 lbs. at the time and her being on a fixed income just receiving government income assistance it was a nice treat for her. We really just clicked from there, or at least I think we did. Almost every night from then on we spent together, I can remember our first kiss watching a movie at my place.
We spent Christmas together watching my folks place while they were away. We made love for the first time.
I lost my job at the pharmacy, I never really understood why. I worked hard and a “Brother” in a fraternity I’m involved in affectionately parodied on the “Simpson’s” as “Stone cutters’, mentioned that I for lack of better words busted my ass there. I had never taken anything from there to put my job at risk. I was shown the door before my lunch break on a Friday afternoon, no two week notice, just the door.
Soon I had to leave my two floor little gem of an apartment with a woodstove due to unemployment. It was a blessing in a way because I moved into her place. I wasn’t really supposed due to her income reasons however it was kind of fun in that sense too. We had our arguments but I always made a point to share this idea and keep it with me that fights over little stuff is just small potatoes and the only thing that would ever seriously bother me is if she cheated on me did mention that she would like to have relations with a girl in the future as she had thought that she was bi-sexual. I felt that cheating was cheating and I can hear the stereotypical guy thought of “All right!” but that’s not me.
It was certainly hard for me to care about someone so much and hear all of the stories of what we called her “past life” working on the streets and her addiction, But I hope looking back I helped get a lot of that stuff off her chest. It was hard with her mood swings due to the medication taken for her to recover from her addiction and accompanying her to the pharmacy when she needed to go daily. There was a time I was lazy and didn’t go and I look back and think poorly that I didn’t.
We had to visit a food bank regularly then, a humble experience at best for some one that wasn’t used to i.e. be never brought up rich, a little spoiled but middle class. Food was something we never had to worry about. I was fortunate to see most of the world as a young man due to my father’s job in lenses.
We were really happy for the most part; we’d stay up all night and talk sometimes “camping out” in the living room like kids or sharing a single bed together that she had till I got mine there.
I and my girlfriend moved once again and I found work at a call center. I was losing weight, eating better. We started to have sex regularly as she was slowly getting more comfortable with those things again. I started smoking … again, but so did her .Life was getting better by the day and we were so happy together. We hadn’t fought in months and months. Her sister was up to visit so she could reconnect with her. It was a little demanding as she wanted to spoil her and I was the only one working so there was money pressure. It was a good visit and she did get to spoil her sister, after she left about a week later after her “getting clean” anniversary I proposed to her. I borrowed the money from my father and bought a beautiful white gold diamond cluster ring. I was worried she wouldn’t like it but we sort of discussed what she’d like in general terms. I remember when I came home afterwords and she drilled it out of me.I proposed in August on a warm humid day in our kitchen. She said yes. She went back to school in September and reconnected with her half-sister. Things were going along smoothly I thought, she thought that I was being a little hasty on setting a date but other than that it was going good.
Things got weird in the fall and early winter when she wanted to speak with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook and get “closure”. While I was a little put off by it and naturally worried , the pure honesty she was giving me by asking if it would be okay I felt that nothing would be wrong with it and said it would be okay. She soon wanted to visit her “home “town in another province and wanted to go after Christmas. I was happy to get her back to see her mother and family there. She has her father here to which we regularly shared his company when we could.
We had a couple of good fights over the simplest things, I feel so dumb now, but it was basically me lying about spending 5.00$ here or there on junk food between work breaks. I felt that I didn’t want to disappoint her in anyway and it bit me in the ass.She also found out that I lied about my past, Some things I meant to pump myself up with when we first met but didn’t come out right and I rolled with it.
She went on her trip, she ran out of money and I was being a little paranoid at the time because the ex-boyfriend lived where she was visiting. Against my own better judgment I read some e-mails on her school account after getting off the phone with her. I found that she had a plan to leave me and move there. Now we had discussed moving there together as she was feeling home sick. She had e-mails to the ex, nothing implying that an affair was going on but what I took from it was “I’m leaving him so don’t be a stranger” kind of thing.
I changed jobs to another call center but this call center was for an American web-based pharmacy so at least I was using a little of my education while still actively seeking employ in my field.
I asked her about it and we yelled at each other for a bit. I stayed in the apartment till she got back; I packed my stuff up and found another place. We she got back its almost like things where fine again and that there was hope. For the first couple of days it was sad and happy at the same time, Sad because she was leaving me but happy because it was almost as if she wasn’t going to leave. We were still making love and cuddling up at night and saying the “I love you’s”.Very weird. The days leading up to her leaving is when we both just started to argue more, she mentioned constantly that she was confused and never really loved me and things of that nature. The kind of stuff that stabs you right in your very soul. What I thought she felt for me was nothing but true love as I did for her. You might say I’m quite the romantic but I'm talking about something
Way beyond romance. Bone deep. You feel it just between the two of you. Now, if you stub your right toe,
The left toe feels it. Isn’t a he or she, or you or me. You're both just one.
She left; the day she left I lost my job once again. I’ve been unemployed since and it is month number seven. With the help of my fraternity I found an apartment owned by a member and they’ve been nothing but support and they keep me busy as they make fraternal pins and promotional products. I’ve done graphic design since 1997 so it was nice to be able to zone out in front of Photoshop and turn all of that energy to creativity.
I visit a food bank to feed myself, I’m lucky that internet is included in my rent as I cannot afford anything beyond my rent let alone a phone. I receive income assistance from the government to do so (i.e.-welfare).I’ve sent out to this date 4,000 plus resumes not counting cold calling. I’m either under qualified for a position or over qualified to flip burgers.
I’ve lost a lot of old friends over time and don’t have many left. As the months of summer are the close months for the fraternity I can usually go two to three weeks without speaking to someone or leaving the apartment other than job search related activities. I am lucky for I took two of the three cats. As sad as it sounds they are the closest things to friends I got. One should never underestimate the companionship of a pet.
I take some happiness away from music, literature and walks in the forest behind my apartment and around the nature trails surrounding the area.
I’m a lonely old fool, I’m twenty six years of age and I feel as If I’m sixty six. My mother has M.D. and Cancer and she has turned to alcohol and has been accustomed to disappearing for months at time usually service a jail sentence. Not something I would have imagined as a teenager. I’ve botched four of her suicide attempts, I’d say “Save her” but I don’t think I was.
Loneness is the worse councilor. I lost a woman I truly love and fall to pieces of I see a picture of her, This early morning I was on Facebook sending a message to her father whom I keep in good contact with and value as a friend. I see a picture of her and she looks wonderful. More beautiful than I can remember which I never thought was possible.Shes seeing younger “scene” punker/emo fellas now.
It’s hard that’s all. Typing this out helps and I commend anyone who takes the time to read it.
Truely heartbreaking as Electric_Fusilier said. I hope you find happiness once again, im sure it will happen one day. Try and stay optimistic friend.
![Thomas]](https://cdn.imagearchive.com/alonelylife/data/avatars/s/14/14186.jpg?1631136400){kind=avatar}
