Whether one is lonely or not, one does run into a person or people who seem to effect your state of mood and feelings, and this in a negative way. I would call these relationships toxic relationships.

If these people are merely strangers or casual friends, it is easier to move away from them than if they are your relatives.

Toxic people can be people with narcisstic personality disorder, control freaks, or even people with serious issues such as psychopaths and sociopaths.

My mother has been a control freak after I reached my teenager years. This went on for years and years on end. In the beginning every attempt for me break free and establish my own foundations was evaluated as me being mean and disrespectful. I tried to bring a family counselor into the game, and this after counselors from school told me that it was not me who had the issues but my parents. My parents were highly offended. My dad has been depressed for over 33 years and my mom has always kept this as a secret. She would not want me to invite people to our house cause she did not want people to realize that my dad was depressed. I sort of consoled in some of friends and counselors about my dad's situation and my mom went bezirk. She treated me as a "traitor" and punished me by not talking to me for some time.

After my mid twenties, I tried harder to cut off the cord. My mother and my father were always preaching how I cannot make it on my own. One day I came back home earlier than usual, and accidently heard my mother on the phone saying to her best friend that she did not want me to live alone and establish my own life cause she feels lonely.

I got myself a good job and after a couple of months later, I packed some of my belongings into a bag and found a flat and "inofficially moved out". However I still could not tell them that I really moved out. After everything was settled with my apartment and my trial period was over at my work, I told my mom that I am not coming home anymore.
She supposedly became "sick" like she always did when I wanted to do something on my own. She shrieked, screamed and cried and and and.

Years went by and I continued to live on my own. She always hoped that I would come back and share her loneliness and her problems. This could be normal if she shared other things with me. I am the only child and my parents do not let me get into family business. I am still treated as the child. As long as they do not accept me as a grown up, I refuse to share the problems they see as appropiate.

Today I had another big argument with my mom. I told her I was feeling down and she said I can come over and stay for two days. However the past months I had this argument with my dad, in which he asked me to pay his bills. He did this in a way that he told me that I was responsible for paying the bills cause it was me who broke something in his internet connection. However when the guy who there to repair it told me and my dad it was because of something technical and nothing was broken. I found this whole thing to be totally manipulative, and knowing my mom she plays lots of manipulative games when it comes to our relationship. I refused to pay. Again my mom made a huge scene.

Last year I loaned them some money cause they had some financial difficulties and my father did not want to pay me back when I needed the money. We had lots of fights and arguments. My mom called me all sorts of names. Again, I was not allowed to mix into family business and talk about wealth management, but I was old enough to give them cash.

I went to my dad's neurologist cause I have had this burning feeling on my neck. He told me this is all because of stress and later I told him about my toxic interaction with my parents. He told me to keep my distance with them and visit them every now and then. Interestingly enough the burning feeling goes away when I don't talk to them or see them.

I am sorry this is so long.
I just want to know how you guys handle your toxic relationships. What do you guys do? Most importantly what do you do to make yourself feel better after you interact with such individuals?

This post was last modified: 07-01-2008 07:05 AM by ClosetGeek.

I handle my toxic relationships with lots of sarcastic dry humor. While this makes me feel better for a little bit, usually things escalate because it pisses people off and then I don't feel so good anymore; then I sleep.

I have a worrying relationship with my parents too but mine is due to being rejected all the time...never really noticed it until a few months ago and then a few things started to fit into place.

I cannot talk to them as they are happy to know that I am fine and things are working out for me...if only they knew...but I cannot rely on them as I get let down by them all too often.

I prefer to keep my distance and not ask for any help when I need it. Yes I know they are my parents but ultimately I don't want them to have to face up to the way I feel because I know it will cause both of them untold heartache...They are my parents. How can I put them through that?

If I keep my distance then they will never know and I will never have to hurt them.

They asked to come round this last Sunday to see me...I declined...the reason why...I desperately wanted to see them as I haven't seen them for a month..and I could have done with someone to share some time with...but they only asked because both of my brothers are away this weekend...and there was the rejection again. Did they want to see me because they wanted to see me...or was it because they couldn't see my brothers as they usual do?

Now you can see why I can't talk to them.

I feel for you ClosetGeek. They seem unwilling to trust you with your own independence...and yet they seem willing for you to lend them money and be a support in many other ways.

They cannot live their own lives through you...they cannot relive their lives through you.

Oh ,maaan...that's why my life is so messed up right now.

(((((((((Closet Geek))))))))))))
Great big hug for you, sweetie. First of all, you can't choose your parents like you can choose your friends. You get what you get.
The only thing you can do is love them and know that like all other human beings they have thier issues. However, it doesn't mean you have to take any abuse or manipulation from them. Just because they are your parents does not mean they have the right to treat you like that.

I am sorry that as a teenager, you did not have the support you needed at home. Must have been very lonely as a teenager.
I have had simular experiences growing up that I don't mind sharing with you sometime.

As far as how to handle a relationship with parents like that, you are better off to let it role off your back and know that they are who they are. You may never get what you are wanting from your parents (trust, respect, whatever) Like the saying goes "Expectation is the seed of disappointment."

What would I do?
expect nothing
accept them as they are
love them inspite of what they do
refuse to be treated badly
and if all else fails- I would stay away from them as much as possible

Thank you everyone.
Naleena, I'll take up on your offer, and maybe we can exchange some pms on this.

Today my father asked me for money again. And all this although we agreed that I will help him take a credit under his name. Then I told him again that I am not in a position to loan him money. I was told a month ago that my work contract will be exterminated in six months.
I took out a loan too.
My mother started being aggressive and telling what a bad daughter I am. Last time I loaned them money, I had a horrible time cause she did not want to pay me back on time. I had a little amount left in my account and was trying to meet the ends to pay my rent.
So today she said (in a loud tone) that as parents they paid for my college and etc and it was time for me pay for them. I told her that their expenses are more than their retirement payments. She told me she can't cut back the luxuries and give up the big aparment. She said if they move into a smaller apartment, they will die. How is that for bullshit?
So she went on for hours what a bad person I am.
I packed some of my belongings that were left at my parents. I told my father that I will remove everything that belongs to me from their apartment. I told him my mother in unbearable and that I can't take her BS anymore.
My father told me to start paying for their rent. I have told them to move into a cheaper apartment but they never did. They lied to me about looking for an apartment. Everytime I asked them if they are looking for an apartment they said yes they are but they never did. And now they have told me that they cannot move out of this big expensive apartment cause they will die if they move into an apartment with two rooms.
I gave my mom the silent treatment cause my blood pressure shot up.
She wanted to come with me to my aparment. On the way she cried and constantly dried her tears with a handkerchief. I wasn't sure if she was really sad or if she was trying to make me feel bad.
I gave her the cold shoulder. I did not appreciate her being so aggressive and insulting, calling me a bad person for nothing. I will not buy into her giving me a bad conscience.
She left my apartment and came back two minutes later. She wanted to talk about the topic again and now my blood pressure is shooting through the roof and I am having chest pains.
I am not sure how I can make them understand that I CANNOT lend them any money. It's driving me up the wall.

This post was last modified: 08-22-2008 11:32 AM by ClosetGeek.

Okay...emotionally detach.
Easier said than done.
It'll rip everything out of you and then some.

Screw guilt !!
It'll rip you to pieces too.

It hurts either way.
When your current pain becomes greater than the pain of loosing your love ones and all the guilt that comes with it.
You'll let go.

Let go....2 simple words, yet so hard to grasp.

I'm sorry.

You can try looking up Ala-teen or ACOA in your area.

This post was last modified: 08-22-2008 08:49 AM by Lonesome Crow.

Tell them not to contact you until they are ready to be civil.

You are an adult, you need to set up some ground rules for your interactions.

It's for your own good. Yes they were your parents, however it was not upon your request. The past is over with.

man, I would never loan my father any money even if I could.


are u the only child?
poor kid

This post was last modified: 08-22-2008 11:37 PM by Incognita.