LG - tnx for the sympathy... I appreciate that.

Anyway, thats what I've been trying to do since that day (the mother of all painful experiences... rejected by the woman I truely loved combined with all the shit in the family and background).

To become stronger.

I've partially succeeded. Such that it would take alot of shit to make me cry these days. Even if I force myself to cry right now I just... DONT. As if it takes alot of effort to make me cry or somethin.

I've even gone as far as de-sensitizing my brain by watching horrible stuff at ogrish.com (before this site was taken down) and PETA websites. Not just watching em but watching em while eating at the same time. (on side note, this is a training method that was used to train child soldiers... keep making em watch violence so they'd be killing machines on the battlefield... instead of crying for mommy every time they see death.)

I've done martial arts for about 6 months... and in the dojo I went to, they're pretty hardcore... so EVERY MEETING you are guaranteed to be beaten up. lol Its common to come out with a sore neck or joints or bruises and cuts... or numb legs. It came to a point already where I LAUGH when I am experiencing pain. I had to stop that because I needed to work more hours and make more money... for emergency. I might need it.


But still. I feel I have a long way to go.

This weakness inside me is bothering me and is being a thorn on my side.

Whoah. Having a heart isn't WEAK. There is really no way that you can make yourself into some kind of psychopath or serial killer, and I honestly HOPE that you don't want that. You just don't want to be hurt.

Well, guess what? LIFE IS PAIN. Get over it. Welcome to Planet Earth. We humans have been fruitful and multiplied, and covered pretty much every continent. HOWEVER,

Life is Beautiful. It really, really is. It's a tapestry of beauty and pain, and sadness and love. There is a lot to be happy about. There are a lot of beautiful things on this planet. As we speak there are men and women feeding the poor, caring for the sick, helping others who are weaker. There is grace.

I'm not religious, but I love the concept of grace. Grace equals Mercy that is undeserved. Where would we humans be without it?!!! Imagine all the times that people could have been executed but for grace. Imagine all the sins of the world on our own backs! And yet, grace.

STOP STOP STOP looking at ogrish. I've seen some of that kind of stuff and I really think it scars our psyche. If anything, looking at the worst carnage of humanity will make you weaker inside, NOT Stronger!

If you want to see real life blood and guts, then go and join up for the army and get your ass blown up in Iraq, or perhaps you could become a cop and watch the worst of humanity. I hope that is not what you really want inside.

Instead, why don't you take what you have?!!! Gawd do you know how many people on this planet would literally kill to be you? A young, healthy, white male? You have been given so many opportunities, don't squander them!

You've been given so many blessings, why waste them? Or just stand in a state of ingratefullness? Don't be an ingrate! You and I have both had shitty lives in the sense that our childhoods involved abuse from those who were 'supposed' to protect us--our parents. You and I have a lot of bitterness inside. However, that's partly since we are IGNORING our many blessings and focusing on the bad things.

Hugs,

LG

Best couple of lines i've read at this place so far and i'd say everyone who remind people of this are on the right track!

I got an old pal who are the king of all those filthy, horrible vidoes and images around the net. Seeing kittens be strangled and people being eaten by lions is one of his most enjoyable hobbies. He's as deep You possibly could be in all that crap but still he's the most gentle and good guy i've ever known AND is pretty good around women too. Everyone likes him alot although he's as tall as me (but twice as big horizontally ), always wears black and can look pretty scary sometimes. He's pretty childish but make everyone around him laugh all the time; he really fit his suite. He's been watching it, talked about it (and probably liked it too) before he became a teen-ager and didn't change a bit after any of it. He's the same guy, perhaps because he watched all that. Being a fan of grouse stuff doesn't mean You're as violent and i don't think You'd ever hurt anyone without a good reason. You have to be a killer to kill; he just like a certain type of "entertainment".

Hi Robin,

I'm not saying that watching horrible violence is going to make you into a horrible person. However, I think there is a REASON why we aren't 'supposed' to watch it, etc. Because it's bad for our souls and spirits. It's like reveling in shit. It's unhealthy.

Well, first off that post was mostly aimed towards Askal and to inform (anyone interested) that watching stuff like that doesn't have to make You a certain way at all. I can't say i don't think it's unhealthy too; i felt like crap for months when i saw one of those videos the first time, but i don't think You and i are close to understand how these people who are so used to it actually feel about it.

Imagine how the guys who filmed that stuff are, though... damn. =S

I'm not a white male.

I'm an asian. I am just fluent enough in English because I've studied it as far as I know. Um... lol... "asian"?!? I dont really feel I belong to that group. Except maybe for the color of my skin and my knowledge of the language. I immigrated to the West at a young age. (hence I'm like Cho Seung Hui in a way... lol)

I dont belong anywhere and it hurts.

LG - I appreciate your alternate viewpoint. I will take that into consideration.

However, the strengthening of my mind has had a positive effect on me... in such a way that I dont cry anymore on the thought of not belonging anywhere.



Btw, thats where I got my username on this board.

ASKAL - a stray dog. A dog that lives on the street. A dog that has no owner to love it and care for it properly. But there are 2 types of askals... Those who live and those who die.


Till next time.

hey askal, i didn't know what your name meant. now i feel for ya.

we don't belong anywhere; we're maverick souls. dogs gotta chill... and chew something. that's how we ended up; having more in common with canines than crowds of humangroups.

Hi Askal,

I apologize for assuming that you are white...and I DO know that when I assume, I make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.' lol

Are you living in the States? I wish that I could help you. You seem like an intelligent and caring young man who's had a very rough life so far. I hope that life will unfold for your future in a better way.

LG

My reason for social loneliness is the fear of rejection. When I was a young boy I felt rejected at school, and I have never worked out how to deal with it and have carried this fear through life with me. As a result of this I have never made many friends. The friends that I have made was from them trying to make friends with me, not from me trying to make friends with them. I find these days that I function ok in front of one or two people, but in front of a large circle of people I go into my shell and stay in the background. And no matter how hard I try I feel that I don't have enough confidence to come out of this shell.

Hi Blue Sky,

May I ask your age? Location?

I was also rejected, very badly, in school. I was so shy and insecure. The other kids sensed it and were so very cruel.

I think you can slowly come out of your shell. As you get older you will care less and less what other people think, too.