I’ve spent the past six months of my life trying to change who I am, only to find that I am emptier and hurt more than ever.
I’ve drastically changed my physical appearance and tried to become a different person but I am still depressed, lonely, and hate who I am. I feel even worse now knowing that I've tried my best and worked so hard but it was all for nothing.
I’m tired of this life and don’t want to play anymore. I just wish it would end but it won’t. It’s like playing a boring game knowing there may be a surprise or something at the end, but to me it’s just not worth it anymore.

I wish I could say something more, I feel I have so much to say yet I cant find the words to describe how I feel right now. I feel like I'm completely dead on the inside and there is nothing left of me anymore.
I wish I could just sleep right now escape life for a while.

Sleep is pretty good. I do that when im depressed. But theres a doc that gives me the pills and tells me what i can take and what i cant. You shouldnt feel like this... Blah! If you changed the way you look, its even better. We need to take care of ouselves btw. I would tell you to dont give up like this. If i was not in my depresssion moment, i would ask your age and see which friends i have and would say to come vist Brazil in your vacation. Come on!!! Theres a girl, right now, waiting for the day that will meet you!!!

Sloth, i'd like to see if You actually could give us a description of what You'd like Yourself to be. How do You want to look like, act like, and think like? Who do You want to be? What would make You comfortable with Yourself?

Thanks Luna.

Id like to be someone that everyone likes. Someone that people love, understand, and accept.

Hmm, i think we're talking about different things, sorry about that. What You're talking about is what we all want; to be a person that everyone treats well,. What i meant was, when do You feel comfortable with Yourself, not with how others see You. What parts of You do You like and what would You like to change about Yourself, if You do, specifically?

Simply; do You think that the person that You are can be that someone who everyone likes? I don't think i know You so well. How are You, as a person i mean, in Your own eyes?

Sloth, its impossible to be liked by everyone. Seriously! cause even when a lot of people like you, one person or other will start getting jealous of you. Americans have those girls that arrrrg i forgot the name!!! They jump, dance and make silly letters using their arms, you know? during the games... Blah!! I forgot the word! Anyway, they are beautiful and all but they are not liked by everyone. Even if you are handsome, you will not be handsome for all. cause I like black, she likes red and the other she likes blue, you know? lol And people will not understand how we feel or our opinions always. Its impossible to be unanimidade ^.^ You need to like, love, understand and accept yourself first and then other people will (not everybody, of course). I dont know what you think is wrong with you and probably nothing is wrong with you. What i mean is, even if something is wrong with you, theres always someone that would not worry/care about that. So "How do You want to look like, act like, and think like?" (2)

Wow that's pretty much my situation... I quit smoking, started working out and bulked up lots (something I've been trying to do for over ten years). I made some big investments that should pay off, tried to be a little more outgoing and social. Even met a girl I like a lot and tried to hit on her (unsuccessfully though... something I haven't even tried in years). Came to this forum to try and address some issues and talk to others in similar straights.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere though. I come to the forums since after christmas and don't feel like talking anymore... don't feel like I have anything to say anymore. I read a couple posts, maybe the shoutbox, and look at the 0 messages, then leave. The girl I like so much is drifting further and further away every day and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it but watch her go. It tears me up inside every day, though I try to smother my feelings with work. I just keep it to myself that i think of her every day, cause if she just doesn't feel that way, then she just doesn't and I can't make her feel differently about it. And my telling her anything about my feelings will just probably make her feel awkward. And she's doing well and seems happy, so I don't want to burden her with my troubles. I guess all I can do is be there as her friend till she tosses me away. Once she stops writing entirely... which will happen sooner or later... either she'll just decide it's too much trouble to bother writing me anymore, or in my frustration I'll say something stupid to drive her away completely... then I'll crawl back into the hole I came from, and work myself to death hopefully sooner than later. All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

This post was last modified: 03-26-2008 09:09 AM by Lost in the Oilfield.

Well said, Luna! =) People need to get reminded of that sometimes!

No, im also not heppy with the way I look.

I dont. Its hard to like yourself when it feels like nobody cares about you.

Guess I like that im a nice guy. Im pretty smart, but I dont think im as smart as everyone thinks I am.
I wish I was better looking, there is nothing special about me that stands out. I have to work out everyday and starve myself just to have an average looking body, if I stop working out and eat a normal healty diet I continue to gain weight.

I wish someone could just accept me for who I am and just love me, but ive come to find thats just impossible.

There must be something wrong with me that nobody wants to be with me, thus I hate who I am.

I dont know, in my own eyes im just me, nothing special. Dosnt really matter what I thnk, if nobody else thinks like me then im just lying to myself.

Hang in there, Sloth! Yeah I've spent my whole life constantly changing myself. I've never "found myself." I have no idea who I am and what I want to do. I feel like I am dead every day, just going through the motions of pure drudgery, with no future in sight. It's always been a struggle to "fit in." I received a lot of racial hate in school and from my peers' parents when I was really young, so I never have really felt good about myself. I did well academically, and even though I played sports and did other things, I was always "the dork." Come the last 2 years of high school, I stupidly turned into Mr. Popularity- only because I let people party at my house, gave them free booze, and took advantage of my parents' kindness. But I was never REALLY accepted- I was used. Then I turned into a fuckup- I became borderline-alcoholic, gained 20 pounds, broke out all over my face, and struggled in my first year of college. Then, I turned things around and changed my major to something I actually cared about, got my grades perfect, started eating well, exercising, quit drinking, etc. However, I am still unfulfilled and completely lonely. It's like all those labels in the past were prophecies. I am a loser, I am ugly, I am inferior. No matter what good I do now, I can't shake those demons. Every relationship I've ever had with anyone (except my parents) has been conditional. When there's something there for them, they love me. If I have nothing to offer or no prestige to give them, then I'm shit. Speaking of relationship, I've never been in a romantic relationship, and nobody has ever told me/indicated that they even remotely like me. I guess I've always been TOLERATED, never accepted. The one girl I fell in love with led me on by hanging out with me every day for a while, and then hooking up with my best friend when I finally told her how I felt. Yeah, sounds like a movie plot!

So sorry, I've been selfishly describing my own problems. Sloth, the one thing I realized from all of this hell is that you have to go out on a limb and throw caution to the wind. I mean, our lives are so bad already, so why should we f'in care what other people think? Take pride in the fact you have made positive changes in your life- the "haters" are stagnant people who just sit there and watch others live their lives while they try to cover their own insecurities by lashing out. And stop living your life for other people. I have always done that, and now I realize that nobody but me has the right to make decisions in my life. Stop quantifying success- any small victory is still a victory. I get depressed when I compare myself to everyone else, but I realize that EVERYONE ELSE HASN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH. You are unique. Find laughter and joy in simple things. You won't believe how effective a simple Youtube video or TV (in moderation) is in improving my mood. I think of every basic task I do (holding doors, offering someone a seat, volunteering, cleaning, etc) as a job well done. Pets are awesome companions too- they treat you how you SHOULD be treated (unconditional love). I exercise in the morning- I swear, those endorphins are awesome! The hardest part is actually getting out of bed . In summary, I realized that I hated myself because I was looking at myself through the narrow eyes of others' expectations. Start living for yourself, put your middle finger up to the manipulators, and you'll start discovering who you truly are and what you want from life. I have started this process already, and it isn't easy to let go of all the societal expectations that we are programmed to fear/obey. Good luck!