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Hi

I don't know where to begin, only that I'm new and this is possibly going to be one monster post.

I'm 23, I'm just under 6ft, athletic, and I i'd say I was a decent looking guy, with a decent although somewhat battered personality.

I struggle to make friends I always have, I can remember from around the age of 11 that I've never really felt part of any group of friends i've hung around with. throughout my teenage years I swapped between two main friend groups flippantly. I had a temper and was quite intolerant when I was a teen, and so when I fell out with people, I would cut all ties instantly and not speak to one particular group. I consequently was left with no friends when I was 16/17 at school. I started to hang around with a few unpopular kids despite this period being my most prolific in terms of girlfriends, and being quite athletic.

When school ended I went to University, but I didn't stay on campus, so friends were difficult for me to make, and although I still met up with my newer ex school friends it was around once a month. Through years at university i had only 3/4 close friends and my group of 6 at home. I didn't get as many girlfriends, but I still felt alone despite the seeming peak of my popularity. When I hung out with friends at home i had a few problems getting drunk and falling out with one guy in particular who was quite personal with his 'banter' about my lack of girlfriends, while boasting about his conquests. It seemed he liked getting a rise out me, but due to so many fallouts we now don't hang out.

Him and his friend now ignore all three of my closer friends, while one of my friends moved to Dubai. By the end of Uni i stopped meeting up with most Uni friends because we were doing different subjects. The one guy I was closest to also moved away to indonesia after uni. Another friend I fell out with in my last year shortly after I broke up with my girlfriend of the time. My first for nearly 3 years.

My gf of the time had some serious issues from a recently ended 3 year relationship during which her ex beat her, enclosed her from friends, and hacked and spied on her social networking accounts. She had a lot of self-esteem issues at first which bridled with my long term singleness led me to need her a lot and get clingy, but after a few months she gained confidence, and gave me a lot of mixed messages, but finally told me it was over. I was due to complete my most important 18000 word piece of course work a few weeks later, and although I completed it my mental state was not healthy. Also I had lost a stone through the pressure of the work and relationship.

After this I found it difficult to read people, I wasn't sure how to react around people, whether to come off as very nice, or very disinterested, as I had tried everything else in order to get my ex to change her feelings towards me. So my friend whom I spoke of before the gf got the brunt of my uncertainess, I felt people were looking for reasons to fall out with me, that everything i said was taken the wrong way. Consequently I became angry and told my friend she was crazy without thinking and course she has some cognitive therapy now and again so she took it quite badly. I know I'm stupid, but she got me back she was quite open about how I have a chip on my shoulder and its true.

So now one year after graduation I'm left with just two friends from school, and I'm still without a gf.

I have a job now, working weekends and a few nights during the week, but its between the hours of 11 pm and 3am, so I now find it impossible to meet up with my only two friends, one of whom now works mon-fri 9-6, and who has made new friends, and another friends who is less close to me who is still at uni and has also met new friends.

The prospects for jobs are also poor right now, and the subject i chose at university doesn't lead to a straight path into work. Also, its opened my idea to the world of politics, economics, the environment and human rights, so while I sort of feel better about my world view now, I am also depressed about situations all across the world. Not only this but everyone around me doesn't give a toss about such subjects, which is very alienating, infact its seen as uncool to care, people automatically assume i am defined by my interest in politics and that i am a geek.

In my job there are plenty of people my age working there, although mostly younger, but I feel i must conform in order to fit into their social structure something my university developed principles are at odds with, given that none of these people are particularly articulate and are frequently racist I'm at a loss.

I did go out once with a few of my colleagues recently, but i felt left out because it was not my town (it was one a half hour car journey away). So i left without saying much and took a taxi home. They were surprised, but I salvaged the friendship easily, only to turn down the next night on the town, because my frinds in my home town wouldn't come and my friend's father was going to be in the pub. Yes I know I'm a hypocrite for thinking thats nerdy. Karma and so on. We're still friends, but havn't been out since. which was a few weeks ago.

So now I'm on facebook all day hoping to try to make new friends, or old ones, to get my new colleagues who have a different maturity level to me considering i'm a volunteer, and actually care about whats happening in the world, to be my friend.

I get on well with people at work in general, with the banter, and many people talk to me, but I go home to my town feeling very alone and wake up the next day with nothing to do because my friends in my home town are either working or at university.

So I got my just desserts for being an arrogant and angry young man. With the politics getting me down and the lack of people interested in such issues, and the fact my hours prevent me seeing my friends even once in two weeks most times, I'm at the end of the road.

I actually feel so bad I actually thought who would miss me if i didn't exist. Of course my family would be distraught, but apart from those who are supposed to love you and wasn't sure anyone would care.

I have only one ray of sunshine, my application for law enforcement, which would entrench me in instituition where I could feel needed, but i frequently like to make my differences from others known in my political views so I'm likely to be unpopular, Besides that I'm a little stressed over an injury which could prevent me joining.

Sorry for the huge post, but if you read that you should give yourself a big pat on the back.

I'll be sitting alone in my home until my working hours start on friday nite waiting for your reply.

And yes once again I know I come across as an arrogant, grumpy, self righteous twat, who deserves everything he gets. What makes me so driven and serious sometimes is this underlying need to make a difference in the world despite my own insignificance.

EveWasFramed

Actually, you dont sound arrogant, you sound like you've learned some hard lessons. That's a GOOD thing.

Welcome to the forum, Grumpy. :p jk
Welcome to the site. Smile
Hey cloud,

first off, you gotta stop putting yourself down. You just have a very active thinking process, thats a good thing.

secondly, why not make friends at your work? they work the same hoursa s you, so you could hang out.

welcom to the forums by theway
hey dude, sounds like you've had it hard, I'm not great for advise but one thing i've learnt is you have to be yourself, don't feel like you have to change to impress anyone, I know when your lonely your willing to do anything to make it better but the best gift in life is you, who you are, your personality, you the only you, your special, i know thats corny but its true and dont forget it. Life will be hard, if it wasn't than we wouldn't learn anything, you just have to be strong even when it hurts. Try not to think so much about finding other people, concentrate on you, do things that interest you, show the world you have something to give and people will warm to you, it takes time, but just dont give up. Everything you've worked for would be waisted if you gave up, your young, you still have so much to give, life could be wonderful, you just have to believe in yourself xxx Good luck hun