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Full Version: Changing people vs Fixing people.
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I guess we have all been told at least once that we shouldn't go into a relationship thinking or hoping we can change someone. We should love them for who they are. I myself once got told off when I joked that I'd "trained" by then boyfriend to hang his coat up and keep a hotel room tidy when we were away. "Oh you shouldn't try to change people" was the narky response. Hmm I'd say thats just too people being considerate. He learnt to be a bit more tidy and I learnt to let some things go and we met more in the middle. Plus we were only talking about the one or two nights every week / fortnight he spent with me. When he was at home he was able to do what the hell he liked. I just wanted a nice tidy room because to me thats a bit more romantic.

So it would seem society thinks trying to change people no matter now subtlety = bad. Why then does it seem ok for people to be with people like myself, people with problems and issues and try to "fix" them? I've had this with every boyfriend I've ever had to different degrees. Yes in a way you could say they cared or were trying to help but when its a case of when you don't or can't "get over everything" in minutes you're called pathetic and belittled why should I have to put up with it? I recognise myself that I need to improve areas of my life and sort out some issues but people should love me with them or in spite of them instead of getting with me and then getting frustrated that they can't "fix" me and blaming me. My problems aren't who I am but at this moment in time they are a part of me and a part I still want loved.
I've never been in a relationship, so I've got no ideas what kind of demands it puts on you as a person, in reality. I'm having a very hard time imagining myself being able to be in a relationship, with all my problems. I understand it must be tough!
You can't help but change people.

As people we do change naturally through biological and environmental factors all the time.

If I'm becoming slightly more clean or less sarcastic then that's fine. Good luck, but that's fine. Especially if it's so that I can be with someone I love more often and assuming they reciprocate.

Ask any of those people about an annoying habit their lovers have had and why they stopped...



Win. Smile

SophiaGrace

I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.

(10-18-2011, 06:28 AM)SophiaGrace Wrote: [ -> ]I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.


Autobots or Decepticons? (wary)

I don't demand anyone change. This is why I'm very particular about who I'm with. Unfortunately though people hide things about themselves. That's where the issues come in. Otherwise, no reason to change anyone... if I choose right in the first place.
(10-18-2011, 06:28 AM)SophiaGrace Wrote: [ -> ]I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.

*Contemplates what type of gas mileage his (potential) gf could get*

my fiance wants help to change...and i want his help...we both have serious mental issues >.<
(10-18-2011, 06:13 AM)FunkyBuddha Wrote: [ -> ]You can't help but change people.

As people we do change naturally through biological and environmental factors all the time.

If I'm becoming slightly more clean or less sarcastic then that's fine. Good luck, but that's fine. Especially if it's so that I can be with someone I love more often and assuming they reciprocate.

Ask any of those people about an annoying habit their lovers have had and why they stopped...



Win. Smile

I'm not against natural change or compromise as I said. Two people especially when they start to live together need to meet in the middle a lot as it were.

Its just I think people would think that getting with someone thinking you can change them is wrong. Like women who marry womanisers thinking they can make them family men or guys that get with girls then go on about them dressing differently. This is seen as bad.

Whereas it seems ok for people to start a relationship then try to fix another persons problems. As someone said if they have hidden them then thats one issue but getting with someone knowing they have problems then telling them they need to "get over" them because you won't tolerate them is ludicrous.

If you can't love me with my problems I don't want you to love me at all is how I'm starting to think.

I think its seen as better because you can dress it up as being because you care. About it being about the other person rather than yourself but when it boils down to it I think it has more to do with people not wanting other peoples problems to effect there lives.

Oh by the way FunkyBuddha I'm not directed that all at you! I was just answering your point about how change is natural...then I just went off into rant territory.


(10-18-2011, 06:43 AM)Arcane Wrote: [ -> ]my fiance wants help to change...and i want his help...we both have serious mental issues >.<

Support is something else, support is great. I'm talking about when a change is forced on you by someone after staarting a realationship. Thats what I see as wrong.
oh yeah. my fiance also "forces" me to not be social because he fears people will flirt with me and vice versa. im not allowed to go basically anywhere without him. this i think is wrong
Thinking you can change them is wrong but you have to expect that some change will happen whether good or bad.

I completely agree with you on the woman getting with an asshole set in his ways. Most of the time those women do it to themselves unfortunately.

(10-18-2011, 06:53 AM)annik Wrote: [ -> ]If you can't love me with my problems I don't want you to love me at all is how I'm starting to think.

Yes.



I want someone who is accepting of me in the same way I'll be accepting of them.




p.s. XP I love your font so much. It's very... pleasant.
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