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Greetings everybody. I’m new, obviously, and I go by Morgana. I’m a 23 years old European girl, still struggling with mastering English (so sorry for eventual mistakes). This is my first time ever joining a forum. I’m so the lurker queen, lol. My only online contribute is by posting my writings, and i’ts been a long time since interacting with others even on the net. I tought hard before participating in this forum and, by the way, this thing is gonna be long. You sure you want to navigate yourself in the conundrums of my mind? Because, kind of a scary place to be.

Anyway. The reason I’m here. I’m alone, as I’ve been for years. Yet it never bothered me. In fact I actively seeked isolation. Since infancy I’ve never had any trouble attracting friends, nor I’ve ever been shy. I guess I could’ve been called a leader in my group until I realized that I couldn’t connect with people the way I wished. Influencing and reading them was easy, but it wasn’t enough: it didn’t make me happy since I couldn’t make myself understood in turn. What I really wanted was the emotional intimacy that only reciprocal knowledge and acceptance bring. Perhaps I was too different, cared too much, or those whom I’ve grown up with were a bit shallow, however it gradually turned me distant. I was mostly disappointed, I guess.

I grew selective in my aquaintaces. I have a knack with psychology and can usually analyze people correctly, so I could choose the keepers. Too bad I became too fastidious. I tend to pretend too much because I have a terribly developed mental world; talking about my hobbies and doings, all things that barely scratch the surface, never held too much interest for me. It seemed empty, like before. I never had a real bond, one of those I read in books, be it friendship or romance: what I needed was something real, not chit-chat out of boringness, and it was only offered to me the latter.

Anyway it’s also my fault. I live the majority of my life in my mental world, reading/thinking/painting/wathever; I’ve always done it, it’s the way I am, so I’m feeling like an iceberg, the visible part it’s not the important one too look at. I’m quite an imperscutable person, so only someone like me, someone who reads this and knows what I’m talking about, could really see me, because the thing which I’m talking about belongs to them too. With the others I stopped trying to explain it. It’s no use, at best it can only be an approximation; how can you describe a feeling which envelopes your whole being when others don’t have experienced it? I’m very black and white on this. I don’t need the (oh to use this expression now curse forever that book) shades of gray. Deep down they’ve always been irrilevant, and I can’t truly care for them because in the end I would still be alone. It would be a lie for both parts and I don’t want to be this petty.

I’ve also a difficult character. I connect with the outside world with my creations, I flatter myself being called artistic but I could be defined more accurately as an eccentric. As eccentric as Poe on a particular inspiring LSD trip. Not so nice, yeah. I’m sarcastic, sometimes to the point of cruelty. I created enemies by openly pointing and laughing at them, and gleefully so. I’m selective to the point of ascetism, rant a lot like Calvin (sadly without Hobbes), I’m cynical but require the ideal. People would find me entertaining till they start saying I’m the female version of H.P Lovecraft. Kind of true - and flattering, actually.

Beside this, the real problem is that I feel too intensely about life and what it should be. I believe I don’t fit in the world as a whole, rather than just being unsociable. I don’t get fashion or mainstream obessions, I don’t care for money or the pretense of politics, I don’t want to have children and I don’t see the point of doing random things for your reputation and basically don’t know what the heck you are doing here on heart in the first place. I’d rather have a freaking discussion about what the heck I’m doing here. Sometime I wish Kant and Plato were alive so there would still interesting people to talk to. Why the majority of those who lived meaningfully are already dead?

I’ll say the worst without giustifications: “people” (and by this term I refer to the standardized views you must to adopt to be “accepted”) are stupid and nonsensical, and I slander them when there’s something too big for not to be sporked. I don’t want to be part of them, I feel disgusted to have to conform to social standard when the pain they cause is as plain as day, when the things that let you get by are those that put a mask on you. And I don’t want to be selfish and think of material happiness when children die starving every second we sit and loiter. I could make a career but what’s the damned point of it? It’s since I’m alive that I ask this, got no answer with various degree of frustrated swears with it. So I rejected the whole system; I’m more concerned if a way to stop the pain and the wrongness is possible than to give in and become a robot. I’m considering to go where there’s need and be useful rather than settling in the first world society, but for now I’m stuck here because my family in primis is struggling and put the responsibility of fixing it on me.

My kind of loneliness is a bit peculiar. I often found myself thinking I was born in the wrong era (not to say in the wrong planet), I should have done good becoming a monk in Tibet or a revolutionist because I can’t stand how things are going. I feel passionately; yes, I have a temper, but its more linked to my search for depth. Life could be experienced so much more intensely that average and the things people normally do don’t cut it for me. People look at me and say that I’m foolish wasting my time sitting and thinking, and I say they are fools because they don’t know how vast your mind can be, how boundless your existence can become. And yet I also always wanted to reach to them.

I used my penchant for psychology to find and help those who seemed to need it; somebody on the verge of break down, or hey, omicide. The “intresting” ones. With time I learned that I was waiting for the same to be done to me, or that, in reading persons I was not merely helping, but searching to find something for myself. Maybe an equal who did the same to me. I was looking for the particular sensation that usually I found only in art. The feeling that the sight of a painting arouse, or a song that moves you, or reading a special book that becomes part of yourself; thats the sensation I’m talking about. Didn’t find it, and I just stopped it. I guess that I did wanted to be found for once. Ence, total isolation, which I wanted to experience in its fullness: I wanted to understand myself because no one else could. I cut all social contact and became a loner, and that was it. Since I could do without the world but not without my mind and feeling, I had everything I needed. That’s was also why it was such a Gladiator worthy fight with myself to post here. What decided me was the fact that it’s been only me and my abstractions since I was 16, and being 23 now, possibly I’ll even end up dying like this. Well, that made me sorry for myself. I appreciate being alone, but I also still crave that true connection with something outside of me. So here I am, rambling on what the heck I’m doing here, lol. I don’t want to give up yet. It’s more than six billion people, I’m acutely aware we are lonely in different ways, with different needs to extinguish it, but the way I feel must have been familiar to someone, sometime. And perhaps they are too looking for something, even if it’s only a better understanding for what they are feeling. I guess i’m not looking for buddies or comfort. I wrote this long purposefully, to see if a person like me reflect him/herself in what they read. I wanted to verify if this little piece of me belongs to another person too. And IF it so, then it would be precious to me to get to know them.

There’s another reason for why i’m here: it eats me seeing suffering faces, be emphatically close to them and not move a finger. Maybe what I want for my happiness is impossible, but I can still support somebody. Those who have tasted loneliness and the rawness of pain know that what is truly important in life is being loved and accepeted. I can still be useful for those looking for help. Life can be so hard, and we are so unforgiving on each other. I don’t want to let those who are facing my same trials think that they can only ever find rejection. There exist those who care, even if we don’t known each other personally. It would have been good for me to meet someone who had the same belief, or awareness, in person. And I sympathize with those who were met with hate or indifference. So, the gist of it is thus: I’m searching for a kindred spirit but also offering my friendship to those who need it. You know I really mean it with all my heart by the sheer crazy length of this post. And If you have read this far I hope you do too.

All the best,
Morgana
Hi Morgana,

Wow, I think that's the longest introduction I've seen - don't worry that's not a criticism!

You sound like a really interesting person, and I welcome you to the forum...
Hi there, Morgana. Welcome to the forum. I can relate to almost everything you've said, and it's kinda scary. If you are ever looking for someone to just relate to, feel free to message me anytime. It sounds like we are kindred spirits here. I hope you find what you are looking for here at the forum.
Best introduction post ever. You are fascinating.

It's annoying isn't it, having many friends, getting along quite easily with people, being easy to talk to... yet just not feeling connected enough to it/them. I think I did a similar thing - just wondered why I bothered with it all, and came to the internet for solace and to broaden the search for more people like me. Only trouble with this is that I'm always asking myself "Why do all the cool people gotta live on the other side of the world?" It's great to find the very few rare souls who actually understand you, to find them at all, but trans-atlantic hugs don't come cheap and it's hard work sometimes. But what isn't.

Yes talking about hobbies and doings can seem banal, but I believe with certain hobbies, or interests, they can do a lot of the talking for you, or at least... I don't know. I'm not sure how to say it. Maybe although it is sort of like small talk in itself, it can give you an idea of what kind of brain the other person has... I'm good at reading people too but you know what with people having various brain blocks, various forms of autism or shyness, not everyone can speak their minds for themselves, and if you are as passionate about some obscure thing that I enjoy as I am then I will probably love you to some degree. One of my problems is having a lot to say but not always being in the mood to say it. I'd rather feel it, and hope the other person senses it to some degree, but again that is made harder online. I still believe you can feel a lot through text though, even sarcasm in the most subtle of forms.

I will cut this post short now because I am being hassled by other people and I can't think about things like this when I'm being hassled Big Grin I don't want to ramble. Anyway I really liked your thoughts and hope to speak to you more soon.
Welcome to the site, Morgana.
Hi Morgana, welcome to the forum.

That's an awesome write buddy. I tend to write long long stuff too.

That said, I am here for you for a friend, as you have offered to be a friend for me and everyone else here. Cheers. My PM inbox is always open, feel free.

Take care now. Smile
Welcome. I enjoyed reading your post.
Hi Morgana,

Insightful post. It was very pleasant to read. I've quite a reclusive personality myself and have sticked to lurking the last couple of months. This message however, hit a nerve so I'll reply before I'll most likely crawl back into the abyss!

I recognize the sensation you're describing in the 6th paragraph. For me life often feels very dreamlike because I can't pinpoint the meaning nor my personal relevance in it. I've often asked myself why do people do what they do, but I haven't found a truly satisfying answer to that. Our society's put down a paved road for us to follow. It includes being born, being raised, get molded (I of course mean get educated) and find a way to contribute to society in the form of a job. Find a spouse and in your best effort raise kids so you complete the circle and hopefully won't have to question the validity of the life you had on your deathbed.
It's like that in pretty much all self-proclaimed civilized places, and we're taught to feel petty for those who lack the opportunities to go down this specific road. (Don't get me wrong, I don't envy the poor or the uneducated. But I find we're not questioning enough the claimed superiority of our own lifestyle)
Despite the cynical tone that may have had. I do not find that we're living bad lives, considering where we've come from in the past. But it all feels very restrictive and closed. We're definitely capable of more than that.

As a result I do not really recognize myself in most day-to-day things. And while you're talking about being fastidious, for me it has rather the opposite effect. I'm not very concerned with anything. I come over as distant and aloof. I'm incredibly easygoing because I find the little frustrations most people have during the day finnicky and often self-inflicted. I'm sure I'm being perceived as not very caring, but I actually care a great deal... in different ways.

To end on an existential note. When contemplating the meaning of it all. I believe George Berckeley (and I'm sure many philosopher's before him), hit the nail on the head. Nothing can truly exist without being perceived. With already over 7 billion mouths to feed and a global life expectancy of about... 70-75 (?) years, we can say we've become quite successful at existing, generally speaking of course. I'm disregarding the awful stress we're putting on the resources of the world for my arguments sake. Buying a bigger house or getting a fancier car won't add much that. Maybe it's time we put more effort in observing, understanding and appreciating the reality around us and help the universe to exist instead of letting its grandeur be wasted into unknowingness. I think as 'intelligent' beings, this is as much our duty as it is to reproduce. If existing was all that mattered, we could've just as well remained little unicellular creatures and swim happily about in a pond. Those guys have been around forever and will probably still be there when we're gone, at least for a while. That's why people like Plato and Descartes are so very important. Maybe if we'd become as excited about new insights, discoveries and interpretations as we currently do over the new Iphone, my life would start feeling more ...genuine.
First of all welcome to the forum.

A lot of what you said i can relate to although for me to put it into words not so easy Smile.

Hope you enjoy your stay Smile.
Hi and welcome.

It seems a lot of people can relate to you, and on certain points I do too. I liked the iceberg analogy, I feel a bit like that as well.

So have a look around, and feel free to PM me if you want to chat in more depth.
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