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Full Version: What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?
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(11-17-2014, 12:28 PM)Mr.YellowCat Wrote: [ -> ]I'm a dirty filthy bastard.

What makes you say that? You sound like a nice person here.
Feeling bored, sleepy. It was such a hectic morning at work though.
Hoping for.. some things to happen.
Thinking today is going to feel like a long day.
Well, I caved and sent her a birthday greeting after all. It was just a picture and a little message that was one of our "things" we shared, something that would definitely only come from me. I thought I made up my mind to say nothing, to show her indifference and make a point that she threw someone who cared about her away. I just said I was thinking of her and I could spare one moment of one day to say something nice to her. Blame it on the Beatles. I was listening to "In My Life" and got sentimental. Surprisingly enough, she responded back. I really didn't expect that. The last time we talked was in September when we had a huge fight. Apparently things are no better, the ugly stupid drug-addled criminal posturing scumfuck is still around. She said she really appreciated hearing from me and how I was one of the handful of people who made an effort to say anything and went on about how nobody bothered to say anything to her except that asswipe and a few other people. The dirty fucker probably knows if he messes up here it's back to trailer parks and biker dives for him. It made me wished I had said nothing, just to drive home the point that she threw something good away because she wanted to be "cool" and she wonders why nobody cares to wish her a happy birthday. I always used to believe her before when she said her parents were always mean to her and she had no friends, I always used to feel bad for her and comfort her. I used to buy into her Cinderella stories. Now I'm starting to see that maybe they have all just had enough of her problems and attitude, her drinking and substance abuse, her mental instability, her cynicism, her bleakness and pessimism, her rudeness, her need to be rebellious against everything. Maybe they were right all along. I only ever got one side of the story. Maybe it's her that drives nice, stable people away leaving her with only a scumbag for company, either turning her nose up at them like me because she wants to be with the "cool kids" or just by running them to the end of their patience where they just can't take any more of her negativity, like her family. I almost want to tell her if a scumbag is what you want then a scumbag is all you deserve. I ALMOST want to tell her that I hate her for causing me this much pain. I wonder what I'm going through it all for. Even if I somehow got her, there's still a lot about her that bothers me. She's too serious, I don't like her bleakness about things, I don't like how much she drinks and does substances, I don't like her mental issues, and I don't like how much she curses (Yes I know I just cursed a lot myself, but I was actually angry. I live in hope of a day when I won't feel like that anymore.) And I don't entirely trust her. I don't entirely trust her to be nice and even polite to my family and friends.

But I remember how pretty she is and in a way that's all her own, how she doesn't fit in to the usual typical categories that you encounter every day. I remember how she's into both deep interests, and just sweet, lighthearted topics at the same time. I remember how we used to talk all night and how our conversations seemed to flow so easily and how we always seemed to be talking about something, not just making small talk. I remember how we seemed to "get" certain things that most people don't talk about. I remember how she used to encourage me, I remember how she used to be so sweet to me and say things that she never had to say, but she still did. And it makes me think, maybe I do want to keep trying. Maybe she'll get tired of that douchebag, maybe he'll make a mistake, maybe she'll outgrow him. Maybe I could become more interesting and more successful than him - shouldn't be too hard, he's not a rockstar, not a celebrity, not the greatest guy in the world. He's not unbeatable. Maybe if I keep talking to her she'll realize that we have better conversations and could have more fun. I don't know. I'm not ready to quit yet. She has a lot of bad, but there's a lot of good too, and nobody is perfect - I'd be hard-pressed to find anyone comparable, let alone better. I keep thinking if I just get out of this rut, maybe she'll have a change of heart. I don't know.
I feel so hollow inside...maybe a good night sleep will make me feel better in the morning!Sad

SophiaGrace

I feel like I want to cry.

Rosebolt

(11-18-2014, 09:40 AM)SophiaGrace Wrote: [ -> ]I feel like I want to cry.

*hugs* You can cry on my shoulder.
(11-18-2014, 07:02 PM)Rosebolt Wrote: [ -> ]
(11-18-2014, 09:40 AM)SophiaGrace Wrote: [ -> ]I feel like I want to cry.

*hugs* You can cry on my shoulder.

*hugs* Mine too.
Distance memories buried in the past
I'm too biased to think rationally about this anymore...I just had the urge to laugh out loud like a madman and this only happens when I'm hit by something that seems absolutely absurd and ridiculous to me.
I know the first time is almost certainly going to be a failure. I advise students all the time not to agonize over the first sentence of their essay for ten minutes when they don't even have an essay to revise. Yet every time I sit down to get ready my hands start shaking and I start trying to psych myself out. I won't be any better off if I do it five years down the road than if I do it now, I'll just have less life to contribute.

Right now I legitimately have a few things to finish up first, but in December I'll have no excuse.
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