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Full Version: What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?
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Rosebolt

(06-10-2015, 08:11 PM)lonelyfairy Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you. Big Grin

No problem, Miss.

lonelyfairy

(06-10-2015, 08:23 PM)Rosebolt Wrote: [ -> ]
(06-10-2015, 08:11 PM)lonelyfairy Wrote: [ -> ]Thank you. Big Grin

No problem, Miss.

(06-10-2015, 08:15 PM)PenDragon Wrote: [ -> ]^ Ummm, No Toungue

LOL Big Grin
Feeling disappointed how would you have liked it I had suggested those things to you? One of them was quite serious.
Been thinking back on the city I grew up in after someone suggested I use the material for contemporary fiction. It's such a part of my own history that I don't view it as weird when I look back in my mind, but I realize that going to a school where people have episodes in the lunchroom due to a combination of drugs and emotional problems or having access to hard drugs at 16 without even looking for them is not normal.

Was voted best place to live in the nation by some magazine or other back in 2008 because it's such a nice place on the surface. Retirement homes, parks, nice pathways, and everything.
Feeling strange, overexcited, having a whole new life to build and new adventures ahead at my age with my health issues is maybe too much, in some languages the saying goes: those who have bread have no teeth and vice versa.

I am afraid that my shyness will kick in, having to talk and flirt and make connections to adapt yet another time to a new place, or even worse to make this nomadic and uncertain existence my permanent lifestyle, I don't know if I could take the stress.
On the other hand, what do I do? Spend the next 20 years alone in a room, crying and staring at the wall? At least this is a distraction from the terrible pain and emptiness.
Thinking...
- I think perhaps I would like to never have to leave the house again
- Being in love with a fictional character sucks
- I'm really, really good at pretending to be OK and pretending that I'm happy
- Roughly 5 hours until I have to get up

Hoping...
- I hope I stop feeling this way soon
- I hope tomorrow goes well

Feeling...
- Slightly empty
- Kind of weird and sad
- Bitter
- Withdrawn

Remembering...
A hazy flashback of a weird and traumatic incident that happened to me as a child, nothing abusive, I don't even know if this is something that actually happened or not but it upsets me deeply... I didn't tell her anything but I tried to ask my mum if anything like what was happening in this flashback of sorts had happened to me in real life and she said no yet here is a deep ingrained "memory" that appears to have come from nowhere that I've been having for over 15 years. The idea that it actually happened and that my mum is not telling me something makes me really paranoid (paranoia sucks, it's an issue I've had before)...
Ashamed, hoping that it would never happen again. I think it's my fault but then again I wasn't feeling so good. The doctor and the nurses were great. Don't think I could ever thank them enough.
Here I am, trying not to let this get to me. My real life friends don't get it when I tell them I do not want to meet up. That I'd rather be alone right now. So they plan on sending someone else related to them to see me. What makes them think I'd respond differently? If I said I wanna be alone, it means I really want to be alone.

Usually, with people, even when I don't want to see them or talk to them, I still go with it, swallow whatever shit feeling I felt and go ahead. It should make things clear now that if I said no, it means no.

I don't need them to care about me half-heartedly. Only spring up when they think I'm going too far in the distance. If they cared, I would've seen it consistently. If you wanna do something, do it right and properly.

But I also don't like to feel indebted or pitied. That is the last thing I'd want during this period of time.

How I so wish I could just disappear right now to somewhere where nobody knows me and I can go about doing my own thing all by myself. I don't want to be surrounded by people who don't really give a shit but only do it for the sake of it.

I hope they don't push it. I am so near to the breaking point and I'm doing my very best to keep myself grounded here. Sigh..
^Hugs

Cavey

(06-12-2015, 05:21 AM)She-ra Wrote: [ -> ]^Hugs

...and some more hugs.
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