A Lonely Life Forums

Full Version: What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?
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Feeling itchy. Mosquitoes ignored me all summer, only to gnaw my ankles off in one night.
Season 2 of "13 reasons why" really redeemed the show. Season 1 was so bad. Season 2 was really good.

Feeling like there are so many different paths I can take from here. All good paths. I just haven't been able to figure out the most efficient way to accomplish my next long term goals yet.

DarkSelene

(08-20-2018, 07:50 AM)kamya Wrote: [ -> ]Feeling like there are so many different paths I can take from here. All good paths. I just haven't been able to figure out the most efficient way to accomplish my next long term goals yet.

You'll find a way, you'll get there.
I love my new teaching job.
I love the school
I hate not having someone I can come home to and share it with.
(08-20-2018, 11:10 AM)DarkSelene Wrote: [ -> ]
(08-20-2018, 07:50 AM)kamya Wrote: [ -> ]Feeling like there are so many different paths I can take from here. All good paths. I just haven't been able to figure out the most efficient way to accomplish my next long term goals yet.

You'll find a way, you'll get there.

Thanks.  Big Grin
I wish the tendinitis in my arms would go away so I can play piano, type, do DIY etc properly again.
I wish I hadn't hurt my foot through some over-enthusiastic running.
Feeling my fingertips still burning after cutting up jalapenos for tacos last night. Ouch!
(09-02-2018, 04:40 AM)TheSkaFish Wrote: [ -> ]Feeling my fingertips still burning after cutting up jalapenos for tacos last night.  Ouch!

Oooo I loved food when that spicy.
Every time I leave the city to go home I just feel kind of depressed. I hate this small town. It's like purgatory -- where people go when there's no more hope, no ambition, nothing left.

In an actual city, anything I could ever want is within walking distance of each other. Upscale coffee shops, book stores, book clubs, fast food, open-walled Jamaican bars, grocery stores that are also cafes serving you Thai peanut tofu wraps, parks, churches, comic book stores, tattoo shops, psychics, furniture stores, daycares.

I visited a small coffee shop, an actual nonchain coffee shop and wanted to take some pictures. One of the baristas jokingly posed for me and said he should try being a male model. I love just having these little interactions, and having somewhere to go where I can get them.

Everywhere there's people living out interconnected lives elbow to elbow. Garbage and noise and music and phone calls on every corner. A biker stops at a traffic light and you can hear his songs on an old-fashioned boombox. Snatches of conversation from people walking by. Dogs.

Houses in brick and stone and wood in a hundred different colors in a thousand states of disrepair. Plants and flowers and vines springing up under your feet and art sprayed on walls. You look down a street of houses and it's a tunnel of green and stone filled with flowers like something from a Miyazaki film.

Festival there today, too. Streets closed for people to walk down.

I hate that I only have enough time to make the trip into the cities on weekends, and the rest of the time I have to sit here rotting in a town where the most interesting thing is a Qdoba and some second-rate gardens. I got home today and just cried a bit.
One of my brothers died last week, unexpectedly but peacefully in his sleep. I won't miss him. He brought problems with him wherever he went, but they weren't really his fault. The disarray of his life was just another symptom of our family's dysfunctionality. Now our 94 yr. old mom has something else to be depressed about and her life has deteriorated dreadfully. Her world has contracted to moving from bed to recliner to toilet...those 3 locations are the entire scope of her life. And she frantically gropes for her oxygen at each stop: an O2 concentrator at bed and recliner and a tank next to the toilet.
The other brother isn't on speaking terms with us, hasn't been for 15 years and I don't blame him. He deserves to live a life and association with the family disrupts the life of the offspring...always has.
I've been the caregiver since witnessing a suicide gesture when I was 5 yrs old...mom out on a ledge 9 floors up. She's been basically bi-polar her whole life.
I'm alone except for a paid carer who comes 3 times a week for 3 hours; she's become a friend to me. Actually she's my only personal social contact.
There was a "romantic friend" for awhile...the first relationship in 30 years but she's tired of me and it's obviously over.
There's a public service volunteer organization that uses my abilities but the comfort in it seems to have become......diluted in the general joylessness of the time I live through each day. If that makes any sense.

I have a few things I live for: summer and early autumn I have a table at the Saturday farmers market. Oh yeah, there's social contact there...regular customers who buy my bread, cookies, honey and wooden toys. And I schmooze with the other vendors. I make about $200 (US) each Sat.
It'll be over in 2 weeks.
Two all day craft fairs in November. Gotta have a sitter for mom if she's still alive then. Terry, our carer says she'll do it.

There's a life for me somehow when mom is gone. I have this house on 12 acres, the farm a mile or so away, my little apple orchard I planted 8 years ago, my (currently 7) beehives.
No friends. No prospects for a girlfriend. It seems like a fumbling ordeal to pursue a relationship....I regret pretty much my whole life. I keep imagining the fun of my college years.....a long time ago. My present is just a grim day by day chore.
I'm up now before dawn ventilating this shit to ALL.

Sorry
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