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Full Version: What are you feeling, hoping, thinking, or remembering right now?
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I tended my mother's grave again today, four and a half months after she died.  The frozen clods of earth thawed out and then the loosened soil was washed down into the grave by our springtime torrential rains this year, leaving a sinkhole like effect.  So I've filled in the hole myself with good topsoil.  It was an odd experience shoveling earth into her grave out there in that little cemetery, surrounded by miles of farm fields bisected by tree rows, the mid west USA prairie spread out like a quilt beneath the sky.  I've seeded the bare earth rectangle with buffalograss seed....a practical turfgrass for this area.

Like any veteran of a long conflict I visit the dead.  Mom was a really difficult person and our family was a slow motion train wreck.  It's important to me that our grave and our acreage that I still live on look nice and well tended.....I think every day how our lives could have been so different.  Like making a recipe in the kitchen, just a few changes would make such a change:  oven not so hot, a pinch less salt, a bit more oregano......Well I can't change the past: I wish I'd been happier, more cheerful, less obsessed with how awful mom, dad and my brothers were, how I was left to clean up their mistakes with no one to help and then to have to think ahead for the next time they blunder.
But given what I had to work with I should  be satisfied with what I did do.  And now?  With three dead out of the original five I feel the wish to....atone?  No....to finish somehow, to render us in death a good looking family and in life, these next twenty or so years I have left, to perform well, live contentedly  and  also give something back to my community.  Rather than being a servant and fix-it guy for family fumbles how about I engage in some proactive tasks? 
I'll report more later sometime.
(05-26-2019, 06:57 AM)constant stranger Wrote: [ -> ]I tended my mother's grave again today, four and a half months after she died.  The frozen clods of earth thawed out and then the loosened soil was washed down into the grave by our springtime torrential rains this year, leaving a sinkhole like effect.  So I've filled in the hole myself with good topsoil.  It was an odd experience shoveling earth into her grave out there in that little cemetery, surrounded by miles of farm fields bisected by tree rows, the mid west USA prairie spread out like a quilt beneath the sky.  I've seeded the bare earth rectangle with buffalograss seed....a practical turfgrass for this area.

Like any veteran of a long conflict I visit the dead.  Mom was a really difficult person and our family was a slow motion train wreck.  It's important to me that our grave and our acreage that I still live on look nice and well tended.....I think every day how our lives could have been so different.  Like making a recipe in the kitchen, just a few changes would make such a change:  oven not so hot, a pinch less salt, a bit more oregano......Well I can't change the past: I wish I'd been happier, more cheerful, less obsessed with how awful mom, dad and my brothers were, how I was left to clean up their mistakes with no one to help and then to  have to think ahead for the next time they blunder.
But given what I had to work with I should  be satisfied with what I did do.  And now?  With three dead out of the original five I feel the wish to....atone?  No....to finish somehow, to render us in death a good looking family and in life, these next twenty or so years I have left, to perform well, live contentedly  and  also give something back to my community.  Rather than being a servant and fix-it guy for family  fumbles how about I engage in some proactive tasks? 
I'll report more later sometime.
well written in my opinion. that was a good . very honest and realistic. hope life turns out well  for you
(05-26-2019, 12:36 AM)ladyforsaken Wrote: [ -> ]^Hope you're okay there, Ska.

Yeah, just some little pissant got on my nerves, probably more than I should have allowed them to but I felt I needed to vent to get it off my chest.  I felt better shortly afterwards.  It's nothing, I'm OK.  As OK as I can be.  Thanks, Lady, for asking, as always.  And just being nice to me in general.

How are you?  I've noticed your posts lately, and it sounds like you're having a hard time.  Even though I can be a slow responder myself, I'm always open to talk/can try to make some time if you feel like it.
Thinking that this life can be so difficult sometimes. I’m hanging on but.. it hurts.
Seeing some great changes in a cat. Our first meeting was him hiding under the sofa, ears flat on his head and constantly licking his mouth, so scared that i had to literally spend 30 minutes to even get him to sniff my hand. He is so beautiful, tiger stripes in gray, brown and black. ❤️
Today he greeted me at the door with mjauing (😂) and as soon as I sat down he jumped up on my lap so he could demand some cuddles.
Wish I could take him home with me. ❤️
If we wanted you to know our business, we would have included you in it directly
Not sure how to feel about all that's happening right now. All I know is, I'm not agreeable with a lot of things but as usual, I don't have much say.

Feels like life is just passing by and I'm wasting time.
everything is shit

Siku

Time to curl up and want to die. Again. That's what I get for letting my emotions get the better of me again.

Phantimos

So many feelings and conflicting emotions ramming up against one another. The end result is nothing. I feel empty and neutral.
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