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I have been pondering about this question for a long time, but I didn't really find an answer yet. Is it possible that there are people out there who can never love someone? Or at least people who forgot how it works?

I count myself to the second category, but I am partially okay with it since I always feel like I haven't got enough free time to do what I want and I would hardly find time for anyone else in my life. When I was in my last relationship, I felt like I could never really show what I felt for that person even if I wanted to. I wouldn't even consider that what I felt was love, more like a deep connection that I really cherished. It has been like that in my last three relationships, though, so I figure the person was not really the problem. Even my parents complain that I never "look like I am in a relationship" or "show that I love the guy" when any of my boyfriends were over. I didn't quite understand what they actually wanted from me since it was not their boyfriend.

So...is it possible that I am just not the type for relationships of any kind? I really like to talk with people and there is someone at work that I get along well with and we spend the breaks together but nothing more than that - no numbers, contacts or knowing where one lives. I know I don't want to establish a friendship with him because I simply do not see the point since we are having a great time already.

I feel very torn about this. Usually at some point in a relationship I start trying to hurt the other person just to see where they draw the line, if they can forgive me and if they trust me enough to overlook it. On the one hand, I really enjoy company and I can be very talkative, but on the other hand it disgusts me and I like seeing others suffer for some awkward reason. For example, once on the bus, I stood in front of one of those seats you can fold down, and I noticed a woman in her middle ages beside me trying to tell me she wanted to sit there and she put her hand on the seat and folded it a little downward. But I saw no point in why she would want to sit exactly where I stood since she wasn't even old or anything, so I moved my leg and squeezed her fingers inbetween the seat parts. I can't explain why, but it felt like she deserved it and I somehow liked it. I would not consider myself sadistic though, I am usually very friendly with people at work etc.

I just feel so split about my inside feelings most of the time, I would like a new relationship but I am quite sure it wouldn't change anything since I don't feel capable of loving someone from my heart. It's like the dog standing between his two beloved masters and not knowing which one to pick.

Has anyone ever been in that situation or are there any people out there who can never truly love even if they try? It might sound very weird but that is just how I feel and some people have already told me that I was cold-hearted.

Any opinions or statements welcome, feel free to flame war^^

Seeker

Hey Serena, welcome to the forum.

Scientifically speaking, the only people completely unable to love are the people whose brain genetically lacks empathy, people commonly known as sociopaths. All the other people are looking, if not for love at least for acceptance from others, since humans are social animals by their nature. Now, I wouldn't say that some people forget how it works, it's just that they have tried so hard to unsuccessfully find acceptance that eventually gave up on the whole thing. That doesn't mean that they don't want love, though, it just means that they try other ways to get it.

Which brings me to your story about the old lady. I'm not a psychologist by any stretch of the imagination, but I do think that these gestures that you do don't occur because you are a bad person, they occur because it's a form of interacting with someone, even negatively, and is another attempt on your part to momentarily connect with people.

And lastly, I firmly believe that relationships really aren't for everyone, you don't "have to" be in a relationship if you don't want to be, because if you are forced to be with someone you will both inevitably suffer from it. As for you hurting them, it's another thing women do, testing men to check their loyalty, we as men expect it and tolerate it, as long as it doesn't border on obsession.

Really hoped I helped you, please don't lose hope, a little interaction with people in here does wonders, it has happened time and time again. Wink
I never get the chance

silver birch leaves

There are probably as many different understandings of love (or friendship) as individuals. Those on extremes may never have anything in common. So, yes, I can imagine there will be people who can't love according to what others may define as love. Also, the individual concept of love tends to develop and change over one's life time; something once considered as love, may be seen as a childish or immature play years later.

Your 'deep connections', 'getting along well with' someone at work, with no numbers or contact details seem absolutely fine as far as my understanding of friendship or love goes. But it is mine point of view only.

The bus story seems a bit creepy Smile but I guess it's only because it's taken out of wider context.
There are some people with certain personality disorders who are unable to love.
Indeed. People dealing with Emotional Deprivation Disorder are unable to experience Love.
Love in the simplest definition = you care.

you care how the other person feels, good or bad. you care what goes on in their life, good or bad. you care how their day is, good or bad. etc.. love is not just for relationships, but friendships too. you can definitely love your friends.

you might also be talking about -being in love-
being in love = you think about the other person practically 24/7. you want to spend all your time with them, doing anything, even if doing nothing but being together.

the comments that you said about you dont look like youre in a relationship? to me it might be because you arent in love with them. or, you just might not be romantic/affectionate. being all huggy and kissy and touchy, cute talk is actually a trait, not a requirement.

so ask yourself...
do you care about others? your friend? your previous relationships?
do you care if others care about you? <- if you are hurt by lack of care, you CAN feel love. because you can feel the lack of love. and therefore you can also love others.
is there someone you want to be with all the time? (this will tell you if you can/are in love.)
if someone is hurt/feeling bad/made an achievement, how do you respond? how close are they to you?
Hey there,

thank you for your viewpoints/answers so far. I think that most of what everyone here said is true. I have to negate Seeker's opinion on my interactions with people though. When I am in the bus, I am most of the times extremely tense trying to keep the place where I am standing free from other people trying to stand next to me, so that was all it was, I am by no means trying to get attention, especially on the bus/other public transport where there are an estimated 1000 of people ranting if you annoy someone (I live in Germany, so yeah, people complain all the time about everything).

To answer some of Regumika's questions, I think that there is nobody except for my dad that I really care about and I never had that "I would die for you" feeling in relationships just to prevent harm from someone. I always got over my breakups very quickly since in all cases, it was me who ended it. I don't know if I really loved them since I have no idea what defines true love, though. When my grandma died a few years ago, I didn't shed one tear even though I spent half of my childhood there. I just didn't have the feeling that I lost something important or that made any changes in my life. I cut off all my friends just by not contacting them because honestly, I had fun enjoying my free time and I didn't give a damn if someone contacted me. If they did, I would do activities of any kind with them, but if they didn't, it made no difference to me since the amount of fun I had was exactly equal.
So eventually, I don't really care if anyone has a hard time or not if they don't give me any signals that they need help and that they want it specifically from me. I will help if I am asked, and I was told to be a good listener and problem solver by some of my old friends, but if people don't reach out to me, it is none of my business. Before I act, I always wait for a "permit" from others so I know they really want it and that I am not wasting my time (has happened a lot of times before).

Right now, there is nobody in my life that I have any contact with except for people at work or school, but I keep that to a limit (also considering that most people at work are a lot older than me and they always talk about stuff that really is of no interest to me). So yeah, there is nothing I actually care about, since I don't see the point. It would be nice, but would it really change anything? As long as nobody cares for me, I will stay out of it.

Seeker

(11-01-2013, 04:34 AM)Serena Wrote: [ -> ]I have to negate Seeker's opinion on my interactions with people though. When I am in the bus, I am most of the times extremely tense trying to keep the place where I am standing free from other people trying to stand next to me, so that was all it was, I am by no means trying to get attention, especially on the bus/other public transport where there are an estimated 1000 of people ranting if you annoy someone (I live in Germany, so yeah, people complain all the time about everything.

It was a mistaken estimation on my part then, sorry about that. Rolleyes

Retrospective81

(10-31-2013, 05:18 AM)Serena Wrote: [ -> ]I have been pondering about this question for a long time, but I didn't really find an answer yet. Is it possible that there are people out there who can never love someone? Or at least people who forgot how it works?

I count myself to the second category, but I am partially okay with it since I always feel like I haven't got enough free time to do what I want and I would hardly find time for anyone else in my life. When I was in my last relationship, I felt like I could never really show what I felt for that person even if I wanted to. I wouldn't even consider that what I felt was love, more like a deep connection that I really cherished. It has been like that in my last three relationships, though, so I figure the person was not really the problem. Even my parents complain that I never "look like I am in a relationship" or "show that I love the guy" when any of my boyfriends were over. I didn't quite understand what they actually wanted from me since it was not their boyfriend.

So...is it possible that I am just not the type for relationships of any kind? I really like to talk with people and there is someone at work that I get along well with and we spend the breaks together but nothing more than that - no numbers, contacts or knowing where one lives. I know I don't want to establish a friendship with him because I simply do not see the point since we are having a great time already.

I feel very torn about this. Usually at some point in a relationship I start trying to hurt the other person just to see where they draw the line, if they can forgive me and if they trust me enough to overlook it. On the one hand, I really enjoy company and I can be very talkative, but on the other hand it disgusts me and I like seeing others suffer for some awkward reason. For example, once on the bus, I stood in front of one of those seats you can fold down, and I noticed a woman in her middle ages beside me trying to tell me she wanted to sit there and she put her hand on the seat and folded it a little downward. But I saw no point in why she would want to sit exactly where I stood since she wasn't even old or anything, so I moved my leg and squeezed her fingers inbetween the seat parts. I can't explain why, but it felt like she deserved it and I somehow liked it. I would not consider myself sadistic though, I am usually very friendly with people at work etc.

I just feel so split about my inside feelings most of the time, I would like a new relationship but I am quite sure it wouldn't change anything since I don't feel capable of loving someone from my heart. It's like the dog standing between his two beloved masters and not knowing which one to pick.

Has anyone ever been in that situation or are there any people out there who can never truly love even if they try? It might sound very weird but that is just how I feel and some people have already told me that I was cold-hearted.

Any opinions or statements welcome, feel free to flame war^^

Hi Serena, I can relate to you on so many levels a lot from my past and still now, although I am feeling a lot more comfortable with myself.

It may be possible that some people 'aren't meant to love' as it explains why so many indeed, never marry or raise a family. I only say this is a possibility, as I don't like to think of myself as knowing 'all the answers'

I disagree with people saying you are cold hearted though. I do not think in all honesty, that such statements or opinions are constructive nor beneficial to any person. The truth is, everyone is a 'developing person' until the day they die. We, as humans, never stop growing or learning or maturing at any given point.

I wouldn't feel too bad about the bus incident. Aslong as we are human beings, everyone of us is prone to doing something 'out of the ordinary' or 'out of character' as it were. I can't recall all the times I've done this and myself, I can't even give all the reasons or explanations as to why. Try not to dwell on it and just try to move forward and learning from your errors as much as possible.

In closing, just try to live life on a 'day by day process. You should never resign or surrender yourself to anything that you presently feel. Each of us change, just like the seasons.

Myself I am just living with the present remaining difficulties I have in my life right now but at the same time, I am remaining hopeful and open to positive changes in these areas.

Best wishes.
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