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8plums

to infinity and beyond
You have nothing to prove. Only to your self and them things you put there your self.

Don't be so heard on your self. If you fuck up learn from it. And if you really fuck up and hurt someone else then learn to ask for forgiveness and most importantly learn to forgive yourself. And learn that your not perfect, No one is.

Welcome here BTW Smile

-Am gonna move this to the Introduction forum but leave a long re-direct thingy for you- Smile
(((((((((((((((8Plums))))))))))))))))))))))
Bluey is right. You are being very hard on yourself. I feel ya on this one, girl. Sometimes we get so beat down that we feel worthless. I want you to know that what really matters is who you are and the other stuff you can work on. You talk about how hard it is to say something and you sit there and try to figure out what you will say? I have been the same way and for some reason when I do that(think of what to say), I can't make sense when I am talking. It's like verbal diarreah...lol I feel like Bridgit Jones on a drunk night...lol BTW, that was a good movie incase you haven't seen it. Bridget Jones Diary. I remember saying,"that's me! That's me!" It's a feel good movie for sureSmile

Anyhoo, I want you to know I am here for you and if you would like to talk, you are welcome to pm me : ) Welcome to the forum and I look forward to seeing you around.
Welcome 8plums.
Hey 8plums, welcome!
Hey 8plums What's Up,

Much like you, I also used to lack confidence in myself. But I believe that my situation was much worse. I was an individual who had a mild form of psychosis (a severe mental disorder in which thought and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality) while I was growing up.

My dad's dad was a Southern Baptist preacher, and my dad was also a preacher, who finally became a school teacher. Coming from a religious family like that, especially from one so dedicated to the "fire-and-brimstone-you-are-going-to-Hell-just-for-living-on-Earth-Baptist-denomination," I had extreme, I mean EXTREEEEEME guilt over the simplest things in life. Stuff like: telling myself at lunchtime that if I eat one more bite of food, God will brand me as gluttonous and cast me into Hell's eternal lake of fire when I die. At which point I would literally spend the next five minutes whispering prayers to God for forgiveness with more guilt than should've been allowed to a 12-year-old boy. But what was really bad about this was that before I would finish my oh-so-desperate entreaty to God, my mind would find something else to be even more penitent over, so that I spent all day long, EVERYDAY, mentally engrossed within my own world of self-shame, excluding virtually all outward contact with my fellow schoolmates. I'm sure you can imagine how they must have perceived me. Even though, personally, I had the best of intentions, people thought I was one of the craziest kids incarnated within a physical body. I tell you, I was in a self-made living hell. . . .

But I found a way to get out of it; a way to make a more pleasant form of existence for myself. I started outwardly imitating others of whom I thought "had it goin' on." (That's what we humans do, we see how others survive the trials of this world and we mimic them so that we might also get through it mostly unharmed. BTW - autistic people lack this ability to emulate others; they are truly themselves, "acting" like no one else.) I saw how the popular kids seemed to be so happy and well-adjusted to any and all situations that confronted them. I saw how girls reacted toward certain "cool" guys. I wanted to be cool, I wanted to stop getting picked on, I wanted to be happy. So I finally pushed that religious shame and self-condemnation out of the way, and began to practice acting like the coolest guys in school.

It was really a trip at first. A seemingly touchy situation would present itself before my eyes and I'd feel like I was breaking out in a cold sweat. Every pore in my face felt like it was on fire, and I had this overwhelming notion that my visage was turning beet-red. I just KNEW that people were laughing at me behind my back. . . .

But you know what? I said screw it. I told myself that I didn't care what anybody else thought, and that I was going to be hip and happening. So hip that, when all was said and done, I wouldn't even be able to see over my own pelvic bone. And if somebody picked on me, I was gonna give it right back to 'em.

A strange thing then began to happen. The more confidence that I displayed, the more revered I became in the eyes of others. And the more revered I became, the more genuine confidence I was able obtain for myself. Not only that, but what I at first only imagined myself to be, with constant self-reinforcement, actually became REAL to the point where I didn't even think about it anymore. It finally just WAS me, and I became. . . "comfortable with myself."

To wrap this little reverie of mine up - two years later, when I was in 9th grade I got voted as "Biggest Flirt," and my then best-friend and I were the most popular guys in school. Sounds like a Walt Disney movie, but it's true!

My advice to you, 8plums, is for you to become comfortable within your own skin. There are various ways of doing this; my own example above is just one of them.

There's a "outcast-hero" out there that most people probably haven't given much thought to or consideration for, but she IS one amazing lady when you step back and take a look at her: Rosanne Barr. I mean, this lady had absolutely nothing going for her in life, but she took control of herself, made the conscious decision to let other people around her know that they could just kiss-off if they didn't like her, and wouldn't you know it, people like her because of her devil may care attitude. And I bet Ms. Rosanne Barr feels more comfortable in her own skin today than any real-life Jesus, who had never known sin, ever could. . . .

Just be who you want to be, 8plums. Disregard any negativity others might express towards you. Consciously overcome any misgivings that you may have about yourself, and you'll find, relatively soon, that you ARE that person that you want to be; that person that others just can't help but respect and love, because you love and respect yourself!