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Full Version: How to deal with the silent treatment?
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Hi, so recently, I shared some concerns about my friend's behavior and how it was making me feel. He ignored me. A week later, I sent a text saying I was open to talking or that if he needed space, to let me know, so I could respect it.

He tends to run away from unpleasant situations and has said if a friend becomes angry at him, they either come back or he makes new ones.

I've had to withdraw before, dealt with depressing situations and felt unable to speak about them. I have no idea what he's going through because he has not told me, so I am trying to be sensitive to the situation without getting angry any further. When I shared my concerns I was frustrated and apologized for my outburst but explained why I had it.

I don't plan on reaching out another time, so I want to ask if you feel this is the best approach. There has been times before, where I kept trying to meet with friends who said they were busy or tired. They turned out to be busy or tired repeatedly, and were basically using a false excuse. I don't want to be either needy or angry but I might have to risk walking away and see what happens.
In my opinion, yes. Sometimes you need to do what is best for you and just walk away. You showed your concern, you reached out and tired to help. There isn't much more you can do but be there when they finally decide to accept it.
I think it's unfair that *you* have to be the one to return. As you've tried contacting your friend, it's on him to respond. You've done what you can.
Yes, no contact is the best. The first month will be the hardest. I will just erase his phone number and old the pictures I have of him. So, even if you want to reach him you can't(in case you don't know his phone number). Block him if you have to. This is your time to take time off the situation and look at it again in a few months with a fresher mind.

Like I said the first month is the worst(talking from my own experience). After that you realized all the wonderful things you had before him. The calm, the control over your life, the things you used to enjoy before him will come back and you will realize you are better off without him or if you want to be friends it will be done in a "clear" way instead of being influenced by all your emotions now.

Not contact is the best!!! Focus on you and your son.And the answers to your dilemma will come with time. Give time some time.
^Eliraven, did you mean to post that in Serephina's thread "Needing to vent"?
An update: He texted back, thanked me, and told me he needed space.

I am surprised and relieved things didn't blow up in my face. Even if the friendship ends, at least there was closure.
Sometimes people need space for whatever reason, but just letting them contact you again in their own time is best. I'm glad there was closure.Smile
Does this matter if it is a girl - guy friendship?
I feel like interactions could be a bit different if it were a guy - guy friendship... also, how close you had been can also determine how far you want to go through with this.

I've lost a lot of friends on my journey... they come and go... so maybe I am no good at this but here is my 2 cents...

1) Call him. Don't Text.

2) Be up front. reach out with concern - if that is what you have for him. Its a nice gesture, and it means that you are a big person now (you can feel good about it later). Theres no ego between friends right? RIGHT?? the problem is not the problem. the way you see the problem is the problem (did I quote that right?). At this point, he should come around.

3) Anyway, if he is still showing attitude, then just ask him why he is being a "little bitch" (gets 'em every time). if he tells you, think about it then apologize for it... (even if you dont think that he is right - its just words and a gesture - you will both forget about it in a few days and be buddies again! and will wonder why you guys were fighting in the first place)

4) If he still doesnt tell you, then just write this down in your journal as another one that has come and gone. (or not)

I wish I took my own advice a few other times before they had completely disappeared. But whatever, it was probably for the best anyway. (less drama)


BUT if you are a girl, I have no advice... I dont really know how platonic relationships between guys and girls can work out without leading to drama eventually.
This is me. I am this asshole friend (not the OP's, but... You know).

I grew up having to deal with things on my own all the time because no else cared. Nor did anyone care if I just disappeared for weeks at a time. I know this is sort of a justification excuse because now I know better. But when I was 15-19, I didn't really think much past me. Or much at all.

I only have one friend, and I put him through hell. Unintentionally at first. I didn't think he cared as much as he did (why would anyone??) And I just wasn't used to having to report in. It never occured to me he would be up worrying because no one ever has.
Then we got really close, I started getting better. Then I got a lot worse. A lot. Like he put an APB on my truck and cops tagged it in time to save my sorry ass worse. So he saved my life, literally.
So he made me promise to call him if I felt like trying again. It's fucking brutual, looking at your only and best friend and asking if he could forgive you and let yourself die. I doubt I will ever get that look of hurt out of my head.
So I'm still here, although I don't want to be. There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for him. But at the same time, I feel a bit of... resentment? Frustration? Because some days I feel like I am living for him. That I am dealing with this torture, day in and day out, for someone else because he's too selfish to let me die.

I know I am the one that is an inconsiderate asshole selfish prick of a friend. But I also knows he knows me well enough he knows that's how I feel and it makes it worse so I haven't seen him. We talk but I haven't visited. We both work in the oilfield and only get 4-7 days a month off each so it's hard anyway but he know's I'm avoiding.

He also knows me well enough to know not to push it. I get stupid bad anxiety and I leave instead of dealing with certain things. He knows he won't see me on holidays. He knows I hate gifts. He knows I don't like compliments and that if you trap me and push me it won't go well. He knows I'm liable to not be heard from for a week or so.

So we meet in the middle... well, he's more on my side. He doesn't not call or text but it'll be a simple "Just checking in bud" instead of the "if you don't answer in five minutes I'm calling 911!" And I try to accept some compliments and not leave him high and dry for a month at a time.

This past few months have been exceptionally bad - I'm changing, literally. I don't know if I like this new person - not that I ever liked me but at least I knew me. The drugs got bad. The depression is raging. I'm tired of the physical pain. My past won't go... it's just been so much and I'm so fucking tired of it. I don't want to do it anymore but I have to, for him.
So I'm trying to get over this, before I see him. Just seems no matter what I do I'm gonna fuck it up anyway and he's still gonna hurt.
Sent my friend a text message on Thanksgiving and mailed him an X-Mas card. He's still avoiding me, but I hope these gestures are taken well. I don't expect anything and I know he's being social with other people on FB, although I don't know how he's really feeling. Hope he's okay.
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