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Lonely in Idaho

I'm so lonely. I have good friends, but I live alone in my apartment and I never have any girlfriends or anything because I can't seem to approach women, and when I do it doesn't really work out ever. So here I sit, talking to you, alone.

I got home from work this afternoon and dried off (we'd been working in the pouring rain), had a warm drink and a snack, and then laid down for a quick rest. That was at 5:00. Now I've just woke up and it's 8:30 and dark out...most of my evening is gone. But what's getting to me is my dream, which made me feel even lonelier than I have in a long time.

In my dream, my work crew and I needed to take a test to earn some sort of credential that I guess could be called a GED (even though I already have mine in RL). The catch was, a new requirement for the test had been put in to place: to take it, you had to be married. So in the dream I tracked down the only girl I've ever almost had as a girlfriend and liked. I knew she had no feelings for me, but I was going to ask her to, as a friend, just get 'married' to me so I could take that test. The dream cut out right before I got to talk to her; right at first sight.

I woke up with it dark out, feeling lonelier than ever, because I actually had real strong feelings for this girl in the past. I met her online and we really connected. She was gorgeous, too. But when I met her in person things just crashed and burned and she lost interest in me, and we never spoke again.

But that dream, for the first time in a year or so, made me depressed again once I woke up. I seem to have the dream ever year about. It's different every time, but all to the same effect. And now all the regrets are coming back, all the sadness and empty hope.

Why didn't it work? Why aren't we together? We'd be great together. God, Alex, I wish you'd have given it just a little time. I know you're with a guy now you really like. And I know he's the *first* guy you've ever really liked. I've seen the picture on your myspace...you look so happy with his arm around your shoulder. But dammit, I would almost trade my budding fire career if I could be that guy.

And there is NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD that I would even THINK of trading the fire service for. For a billion dollars and a life of splendor I would not give that up. You still mean that much to me, as much as I try not to believe it. I would work as a janitor for the rest of my life, and live in this hovel forever if it meant I could be with you.

I miss you, Alex. I didn't think I still missed you, but I do. I wish I could have kissed you. I wish I could have held you. But instead you're with someone else, somewhere far away, and here I am...in my apartment, alone.

I think it'll be rainy tomorrow, Alex, and I have to go to work to clear more brush. I always have to clear more brush. It'll probably be wet and cold and long and miserable, soaked by rain from without and sweat from within, just like today. And I'm sure my lunch will be just as unsatisfying as today's. But now I've had that dream about you again. That one that I haven't had in a year that leaves me so hopeless and sad. And now tomorrow is going to be a wet, rainy, lonely hell, my unconsoled anguish left to drown beneath the rain and the deafening rattle of the chipper.

It's been almost four years now. But I still miss you, Alex. I'm looking at that picture of us together, where you're at least pretending to smile, wishing it could've been a sign of things to come. I should've been over you by now. I thought I was...but apparently not. You're an amazing girl, and the closest I've ever been to a meaningful relationship...but you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do.

It's 9:01 now...I wish I hadn't slept. I have to be up early tomorrow and now there's no time for fun. So I'm going to bed, Alex. With any luck I will not dream, for I know it will be of you. With any luck I'll sleep long and restful to do battle with the trial of my day.

I'll see you in the morning Alex, in my waking thoughts, as much as I wish I could forget you. But I'll never forget you.

I still love you, and I will love you always.

Goodnight.


Call me, Call me...let me know it's alright.
Call me, Call me...don't you think it's 'bout time?
Cripes man, this is gut wrenching. You sound perfectly capable of meeting someone better.

If it wasn't meant to be, there's nothing you can do to change it.

I admire your drive. It sounds like any decent woman would be lucky to meet a dude so devoted.

I wish I had advice, but you can't control the free will of others, man.

EveWasFramed

Unacceptance Wrote:Cripes man, this is gut wrenching. You sound perfectly capable of meeting someone better.

If it wasn't meant to be, there's nothing you can do to change it.

I admire your drive. It sounds like any decent woman would be lucky to meet a dude so devoted.

I wish I had advice, but you can't control the free will of others, man.

Yeah, you can only STALK them and hope they give in.

EveWasFramed

Lonely in Idaho Wrote:I'm so lonely. I have good friends, but I live alone in my apartment and I never have any girlfriends or anything because I can't seem to approach women, and when I do it doesn't really work out ever. So here I sit, talking to you, alone.

I got home from work this afternoon and dried off (we'd been working in the pouring rain), had a warm drink and a snack, and then laid down for a quick rest. That was at 5:00. Now I've just woke up and it's 8:30 and dark out...most of my evening is gone. But what's getting to me is my dream, which made me feel even lonelier than I have in a long time.

In my dream, my work crew and I needed to take a test to earn some sort of credential that I guess could be called a GED (even though I already have mine in RL). The catch was, a new requirement for the test had been put in to place: to take it, you had to be married. So in the dream I tracked down the only girl I've ever almost had as a girlfriend and liked. I knew she had no feelings for me, but I was going to ask her to, as a friend, just get 'married' to me so I could take that test. The dream cut out right before I got to talk to her; right at first sight.

I woke up with it dark out, feeling lonelier than ever, because I actually had real strong feelings for this girl in the past. I met her online and we really connected. She was gorgeous, too. But when I met her in person things just crashed and burned and she lost interest in me, and we never spoke again.

But that dream, for the first time in a year or so, made me depressed again once I woke up. I seem to have the dream ever year about. It's different every time, but all to the same effect. And now all the regrets are coming back, all the sadness and empty hope.

Why didn't it work? Why aren't we together? We'd be great together. God, Alex, I wish you'd have given it just a little time. I know you're with a guy now you really like. And I know he's the *first* guy you've ever really liked. I've seen the picture on your myspace...you look so happy with his arm around your shoulder. But dammit, I would almost trade my budding fire career if I could be that guy.

And there is NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD that I would even THINK of trading the fire service for. For a billion dollars and a life of splendor I would not give that up. You still mean that much to me, as much as I try not to believe it. I would work as a janitor for the rest of my life, and live in this hovel forever if it meant I could be with you.

I miss you, Alex. I didn't think I still missed you, but I do. I wish I could have kissed you. I wish I could have held you. But instead you're with someone else, somewhere far away, and here I am...in my apartment, alone.

I think it'll be rainy tomorrow, Alex, and I have to go to work to clear more brush. I always have to clear more brush. It'll probably be wet and cold and long and miserable, soaked by rain from without and sweat from within, just like today. And I'm sure my lunch will be just as unsatisfying as today's. But now I've had that dream about you again. That one that I haven't had in a year that leaves me so hopeless and sad. And now tomorrow is going to be a wet, rainy, lonely hell, my unconsoled anguish left to drown beneath the rain and the deafening rattle of the chipper.

It's been almost four years now. But I still miss you, Alex. I'm looking at that picture of us together, where you're at least pretending to smile, wishing it could've been a sign of things to come. I should've been over you by now. I thought I was...but apparently not. You're an amazing girl, and the closest I've ever been to a meaningful relationship...but you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do.

It's 9:01 now...I wish I hadn't slept. I have to be up early tomorrow and now there's no time for fun. So I'm going to bed, Alex. With any luck I will not dream, for I know it will be of you. With any luck I'll sleep long and restful to do battle with the trial of my day.

I'll see you in the morning Alex, in my waking thoughts, as much as I wish I could forget you. But I'll never forget you.

I still love you, and I will love you always.

Goodnight.


Call me, Call me...let me know it's alright.
Call me, Call me...don't you think it's 'bout time?

Dude. For real, I can tell you still have it pretty bad for her. Umm...she made her choice. It wasn't you, for whatever reasons she may have had. Let her go and start looking elsewhere. FOUR YEARS! You've wasted four years mourning her, man.
You seem like a sincere, articulate, caring person. I agree with Unacceptance- you will be able to find someone who will love you like you love them! Please don't waste another minute of your future pining over the past, and what cannot be changed. ANd as far as meeting her on line and then in person and not "clicking", do you know how common that is? It happens all the time. The internet might be a great place to "meet" people you may otherwise never have met, but it's not the same as meeting, and getting to know someone in real life. I think the percentages are a LOT lower for a second date, when the first date was from an on-line meeting. So, if you DO meet someone from the internet again, don't be surprised if you have to go through several before even getting a second date!
But, I digress. Try to leave the past, in the past. DO your best to stop mourning your lady love and move on the something better. You deserve more than a fleeting memory of what might have been.
OK I rambled a bit, but I just woke up, so forgive me if my ramblings make no sense. Big Grin

((((((((hugs)))))) for you, Mr. Idaho.
I don't understand. Why is this person unregistered and posted just yesterday?
Wow Lonely,
Don't know if you will get this but, I feel ya. Loud and clear. I know that feeling of "the one who got away" really sucks. Why don't you hang around us for a while till you get to feeling better?
EveWasFramed Wrote:
Unacceptance Wrote:Cripes man, this is gut wrenching. You sound perfectly capable of meeting someone better.

If it wasn't meant to be, there's nothing you can do to change it.

I admire your drive. It sounds like any decent woman would be lucky to meet a dude so devoted.

I wish I had advice, but you can't control the free will of others, man.

Yeah, you can only STALK them and hope they give in.

Well, since I take life lessons from comic books I actually kidnap and give ultimatums with dire consequences.

However this doesn't apply to your average folk with a grip on reality.

Lonely in Idaho

Wow...looking back at that today, it's even gut wrenching to -me-, and I wrote it! I'm kind of embarrassed, truth be told...though it's kinda good writing if I do say so myself Toungue


Anyway. I haven't been that torn up in at least a year...usually I can look at pictures, think about that girl, whatever, and be fine. But every now and then I'll have a dream with her in it and be a wreck for days.

I know now the internet lacks the real interaction of knowing someone face-to-face...and I should have expected that akwardness. But, live and learn. I've thought a lot about human interaction through different mediums since way back then (I'm sure many of you have too), and I understand now why it happened like it did...but, it still hurts every once in awhile. Back then that was the best thing I knew.

I feel better than I did last night. Work today was actually fine. Perfect working weather, no rain, lunch was fine...even got off early. I try to look on the bright side...many people around this area don't have jobs with the lumber mills shutting down; I'm fortunate to have my job, miserable as it can be to be in the woods in early Spring and Fall...and unlike a lot of young people here, I have a career prospect.

The trouble for me is, this is a small, pretty redneck area. And while I act kinda redneckish from time to time, I'm -not- a redneck. The social/cultural venues around here consist mostly of bars...there's nowhere to really meet people outside of the friends I already have, which consists of 1. My work crew, and 2. The rest of my volunteer fire department. Normally I could branch out from there; but everyone my work crew knows are a bunch of hicks (no offense to them, that's just not my crowd), and I'm basically the youngest fella on my fire roster by about 15 years. Again, some of the best friends I could hope for...but the people they know are their age, not mine.

I'll figure something out. I'd like to get a mountain bike and join one of the local biking clubs, but winter is only a couple months away. I dunno.

At any rate, it's good to have found this forum (yes, I googled "I'm so lonely" Toungue), and I think I'll register and stick around.

Thanks.
Hiya

There are so many times in our lives when we have these thoughts and unfortunately the 'one that got away' will always hang there...I have to say though that for everyone here you cannot go back.

I was in a relationship with a woman who was lovely but it was me pushing all the time...it wasn't an equal partnership. We split and soon after I met up with someone else and we dated for a number of months. Then the first one reappeared...desperately regretting splitting etc...so I dropped everything for what I thought was there...but guess what folks...I gave her what I could and she decided after a month that she couldn't see me in her future...she still needed to sort herself out.

A long time after this I don't regret it...but I should have listened to my gut instinct...it was not the way to go...having said that though fate moved me to a place a month ago that I never thought I would be in...and she is the most beautiful and loving person I have ever met.

It is there for you folks...give yourself chance and learn...and cry...and love...and cry...and bounce back. Decide what you want and go for it.
davechaos Wrote:It is there for you folks...give yourself chance and learn...and cry...and love...and cry...and bounce back. Decide what you want and go for it.

((((((((((((((((((((((Dave))))))))))))))))))))))))))
You are such an example of hope for everyone : ) I am so thankful for the chance to have gotten to know you and be your friend. I have witnessed a transformation in you that can only be described as amazing! It took faith and as you put it, learning, to get you where you are. You never gave up. You have had such stregnth even in the face of loneliness, you didn't give in to self pity. You kept working towards what you wanted. I am so proud of you! Your lady is very lucky to have you. You both are lucky to have each other! So perfect you two are Smile I send you both my love, little brother!

(((((((((((((((((((((( M + K ))))))))))))))))))))))))))