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And I mean by conversation, when you can write novels back and forth to one another because you are clicking so much, want to share, and know more?
Not the "I write a novel and get a disinterested two sentences back" that seems to happen on most sites where you search to find people? Most people just are either awkward or don't want to put in that kind of work to get to know someone in depth. Or worse, even think of such a notion as 'work' on its own.

Anyone like that? Because I really want to talk with someone with the same kind of passion I have for this sort of thing.

If you want to know me, imagine a flame. A flame is comforting and enjoyed when you get close to it, but if you get too close, it burns you with too much heat. But a flame also requires a bit of effort to maintain; if you ignore it or disregard it, it grows weak and small.

I'm something like that, only one that if you douse it with water or try to bury it, you might shrink it or even cause it to fidget a bit as it struggles, but it doesn't go out. I'm too optimistic for that; I keep burning regardless. I always try to turn my lemons into lemonade.


I'm going to be transparent here; since I last posted here, I went other places and wound up finding my first relationship that changed me for the better. It was long distance, but we were already making plans to meet and have a great future together; to say it was great and one of the best times in my life would be an understatement. It meant a lot just to have someone who I felt cared, who I could always talk to, who loved me, and really cared; with that, location couldn't have mattered less.
I feel with true passion and commitment, a relationship can start and last anywhere.

....Until it ended abruptly from the stupidest misunderstanding. She wouldn't even talk to me, even though we could and would always work things out, and worked out more than that before. And I didn't know this for a full month, only to have it dropped on me.
It was the lowest I've ever been. I wanted nothing more than to be able to go back and fix it; but the only way to go was forward. I had to make due and move on.
I didn't want it to depress me, so I found a new community, at least to have fun and try to distract myself.
And there, I talked to someone who matched my passion deeper than I could describe. By total accident; I had stopped hunting so aggressively and just found a place I liked and talked to people and I stumbled onto someone I felt a huge connection with.
She did as well. She was further away than the first, but seemed closer than ever.

Even though I didn't view her as a replacement, I felt I had better chemistry with her than I ever did the first one. And then.... I guess she got too close to me.
I've always been very lonely and I starve for communication, and even if I meet someone, they can rarely keep up with my pace. I guess I overwhelmed her. She said I was codependent, which I seriously was, honestly.
I didn't expect to hear back from her for awhile, and in that meantime, I took what she said to heart and really worked on getting out of that. She was absolutely correct in that I would smother people who got too close to compensate for my need.
And I was excited to talk to her again and demonstrate how things would be different from now on. We moved too fast into demonstrating an intimate interest in one another, but we could and would always be friends..... or so I thought.

I soon found myself banned in every way we communicated with no way to get through. She didn't even say anything like she didn't want to talk anymore, but I guess that's what happened. Even as friends who also could talk through anything, gone.

And I haven't even been back to the place I met her, simply because while I still love it, I don't think I can handle seeing me blocked by her there either, at least not right away. I feel kinda aimless, hopeless and all that.

I was like this, but worse, when I first registered here last year, but I kept moving forward and it eventually even led me to them. So I'm optimistic.... but directionless, I guess?
They both improved my life more than I can describe and were each not only would-be girlfriends for me, but good friends. Friends I absolutely never wanted to lose at all. Friends that I still want back if I could. But, I guess to cling to it, or force it wouldn't solve the issue. I just have to keep moving forward and being optimistic. While I miss them, I suppose I have still gained valuable experience about what I need/want and for that, given that I gave them something back too, I guess that's good enough if it has to be.

I want to state: I'm not afraid of putting myself out there because I might get hurt. I'm already far too used to that, more than anyone should be.
What I'm afraid of is meeting someone who promises themselves as a friend to me, no matter what, who I still wind up losing and being left alone again. Who say things they don't mean, lie, etc.... that kind of stuff is why I feel the way I do through my life, and where such extreme codependency even originated from in the first place. I want nothing more than to trust someone, but it seems whenever I do, I'm let down and they can't even discuss it with me. And for someone who claims to care, I don't know how that should even be possible.

Since this is a forum where people who feel similar also literally want to, I might as well toss the invite out there.
I don't want this to be superficial like something like a dating site; I'd obviously want to find a female more, but to outright demand it would be trying to recreate or 'force' what I had before, which never works.

I want to meet like minded individuals, whoever you are, and go from there. Men or women. I just want to talk to people, first off, and you never know where anything could lead. The important part is finding like-minded people first and foremost.


TL;DR
If you couldn't read through all this, you probably wouldn't like talking to me.
You had me at the flame analogy. 
What interests me the most is that you are someone who has always wanted a deeper connection with people, then mere cursory greetings and jovial banter.. 
I am no expert in social science,  but I think people like us who seem to value relationships a tad more than the norm are prone to stumble more often than others...
 
Long distance relationships are hard to maintain - something I found out from personal experience - the separation prevents full emotional connection from happening. In my honest opinion, one should try to build a relationship from IRL interactions. I am saying that distance relationships never work, I have seen a few work out perfectly fine, but it's just not common... 

I failed to understand my partner for 6 years' feelings because I could not see her face to face for most the time that we were in a relationship. I did not feel the need for maintaining any other substantial social connection apart from the one with her; and when it ended, gods,  I felt as if my soul had been sucked out of me. I can't really say I've recovered, but I feel I can talk to ppl again..

I hope you find like minded people in this forum, I believe I am one of them, but we can never be sure unless we talk a lot more than just two online posts Smile 
I am new here too,  add me as a friend if you'd like us to be!

Jessicat

This really struck me. 
I’m in a friendship like you had.. and.. damn. I don’t want to lose that for anything.
It’s hard keeping a relationship going. I think that it’s super important to talk about any problem that arises as soon as possible, to not let the issue grow out of proportion. A small thing can easily become this big thing. To prevent that you need 2 people that drops their need to “save face”, that isn’t afraid to go into those deep issues that hurt and are brave enough to show their “weak” side. 
I hope that you find what you are looking for. I really do. 
Was so nice reading your story.
Sending some love and good vibes your way. ❤️
(02-26-2019, 11:15 AM)sriguhan Wrote: [ -> ]You had me at the flame analogy. 
What interests me the most is that you are someone who has always wanted a deeper connection with people, then mere cursory greetings and jovial banter.. 
I am no expert in social science,  but I think people like us who seem to value relationships a tad more than the norm are prone to stumble more often than others...
 
Long distance relationships are hard to maintain - something I found out from personal experience - the separation prevents full emotional connection from happening. In my honest opinion, one should try to build a relationship from IRL interactions. I am saying that distance relationships never work, I have seen a few work out perfectly fine, but it's just not common... 

I failed to understand my partner for 6 years' feelings because I could not see her face to face for most the time that we were in a relationship. I did not feel the need for maintaining any other substantial social connection apart from the one with her; and when it ended, gods,  I felt as if my soul had been sucked out of me. I can't really say I've recovered, but I feel I can talk to ppl again..

I hope you find like minded people in this forum, I believe I am one of them, but we can never be sure unless we talk a lot more than just two online posts Smile 
I am new here too,  add me as a friend if you'd like us to be!

Not for a lack of trying, believe me. Women where I live really do not gel with me at all. They are just not the types I like.
I do sometimes see the girls who embody the kind I feel I like (not to sound shallow, but girls I'm generally interested in have a certain kind of look or vibe to them), but I don't want to be intrusive and go up and try to get to know them randomly wherever we happen to meet up. Especially since women are generally always on alert because guys do this often anyway, it's just not my style to 'hit' on girls, if that makes sense.

I'd rather have an 'in', like I see them reading something I like, or a pin on their clothing, etc; something to actually *talk* about and see if we click.
I've actually made so many male friends randomly in a lot of places doing this; but women, because of that disparity (and other guys), it's tricky.
I need to get a cat or something and go hang out with it and let it bring in the girls, haha.

But because I'm self-employed, this is how I would have to meet someone and it totally doesn't gel with me. I'd give anything to go back to my school years and not be the awkward idiot I was and try to do that.

The thing was, it wasn't the lack of trying from either of the ones I had. Far from it. It was stupid misunderstandings that they decided not to talk to me over.
Unfortunately, that's the problem when dealing with introverts. I'm pretty meek and timid myself, but I get very adamant when it comes to maintaining my relationships, but others are just maybe not like that.

The stories of why and what happened are really complicated to explain, but I don't view it as malicious or they were lying or anything like that; if that makes sense.
More that I was too intense and they wanted to separate more for my sake. I disagree with them, as it didn't help my case or at all, apart from just keeping me moving forward to acknowledge my errors and improve them. I actually almost lost sight of myself amidst all those sort of feelings for a time.

I guess it just hurt that everything we had, everything we'd been through, with both of them, and how often I'd showcased how I'm more than willing and capable to grow and work things out, that they would just lose faith in me and write me out completely. And then claim it was for my benefit.
Like we couldn't be even just still be friends, or I'm not mature enough to handle it. That's what hurts the most. And thinking that someone who claimed they loved you so much now just feels nothing for you. It's literally akin to being abandoned entirely.
I could absolutely never, ever, ever do that to someone I care about, with whatever excuse I could come up with. To leave someone out of my life entirely, it'd have to be a mutual disconnect. And if a rough falling out, it wouldn't just be silent like that.

I've noticed that a lot of people really rely on the passive strategy of "Oh, maybe if I just ignore them, then they'll just go away." And to me it's the coward's answer.
And I do know it's about the worst kind of strategy to employ with someone like me. It only accomplishes the opposite; I try harder to find out and then get frantic, which upsets them. Uh.... maybe you should've just not left me hanging then?

But yeah, man! We can add each other! It's nice to get replies from this!



(02-26-2019, 08:43 PM)Jessicat Wrote: [ -> ]This really struck me. 
I’m in a friendship like you had.. and.. damn. I don’t want to lose that for anything.
It’s hard keeping a relationship going. I think that it’s super important to talk about any problem that arises as soon as possible, to not let the issue grow out of proportion. A small thing can easily become this big thing. To prevent that you need 2 people that drops their need to “save face”, that isn’t afraid to go into those deep issues that hurt and are brave enough to show their “weak” side. 
I hope that you find what you are looking for. I really do. 
Was so nice reading your story.
Sending some love and good vibes your way. ❤️

By the "friendship", do you mean that platonically or another LDR like I had? Or even just attraction to them that might lead to more?

Yes, I think your friends are in good hands with someone like you. You nailed it exactly. I feel people tend to underestimate just how quickly even the smallest things can fester out of control, especially if left unchecked.
To be honest, I feel that's what did it for my first one. She was someone who when things got rough, she didn't talk them out immediately, but instead hid for 1-2 days alone.... and then doubt festers and the conversation gets way more extreme than it needs to, she goes to others for advice instead of just working it out with me, etc....
And before long it's an avalanche rolling down the mountain from a snowball.

You know, I know a lot of guys who are adamant that women can't ever see their "weak" side, and it makes me really sad. I got two women to absolutely fall head over heels for me in a year's time simply because in sharing myself, they saw I wasn't afraid to admit mistakes or show I was vulnerable and all that.
I've found women really like that in a guy, when they can really understand them and then trust them. Kinda sad the 'macho' way of thinking is so ingrained, and it's so superficial and paradoxically the wrong approach to the whole reason such a persona would exist.

Not to mention how absolutely silly it is to worry about 'saving face' when it comes to someone you care about. You should know each other well enough to not even have to worry about that kind of nonsense. I can't even iterate how superficial such a connection must be if you care more about that than maintaining what you have to begin with.
If you can't be yourself or let loose your defenses around someone like that, that you love, then who can you? That's my thought.


Thanks for replying, you two! I hope for more discussion or even to get to know the both of you more if you're up to it! But this really cheered me up! (Funny since it's such a dark topic, but being able to vent and have some introspection in any form is always something I enjoy greatly)
"Like we couldn't be even just still be friends, or I'm not mature enough to handle it. That's what hurts the most. And thinking that someone who claimed they loved you so much now just feels nothing for you. It's literally akin to being abandoned entirely. "
 
And I thought this was uncommon...
Something very similar happened to me too...
I befriended a girl who was my ex's best friend and we spoke for hours every chance we got, but as you can guess, this didn't last long and she cut me off completely after a few months. The reasons she provided were just outrageous : my English has a thick South Indian accent,  I annoy her by wishing her everyday , I expect too much attention - well, that's kind of true   , but what did she expect? I had just gotten dumped , I needed the company so badly. 

It's just weird , I probably score a 2 on the Kinsey scale but I am more inclined to develop a deeper relationship - romantic or otherwise - with a person of the opposite sex , or maybe it's just that I haven't met the right guy yet , idk. 

I digress; do you think we are pushing it too hard ? Or maybe,  all relationships are fleeting and we just have to choose the one that has the longest shelf life ? I know that sounds cynical, but I've been burned several times now, can't help but think that way...
(02-27-2019, 02:59 AM)sriguhan Wrote: [ -> ]"Like we couldn't be even just still be friends, or I'm not mature enough to handle it. That's what hurts the most. And thinking that someone who claimed they loved you so much now just feels nothing for you. It's literally akin to being abandoned entirely. "
 
And I thought this was uncommon...
Something very similar happened to me too...
I befriended a girl who was my ex's best friend and we spoke for hours every chance we got, but as you can guess, this didn't last long and she cut me off completely after a few months. The reasons she provided were just outrageous : my English has a thick South Indian accent,  I annoy her by wishing her everyday , I expect too much attention - well, that's kind of true   , but what did she expect? I had just gotten dumped , I needed the company so badly. 

It's just weird , I probably score a 2 on the Kinsey scale but I am more inclined to develop a deeper relationship - romantic or otherwise - with a person of the opposite sex , or maybe it's just that I haven't met the right guy yet , idk. 

I digress; do you think we are pushing it too hard ? Or maybe,  all relationships are fleeting and we just have to choose the one that has the longest shelf life ? I know that sounds cynical, but I've been burned several times now, can't help but think that way...

If she didn't think highly of you just because of an accent, then that's a bad sign already.
And you mean you just wanted to talk to her briefly at least once per day? Did she ever say anything otherwise or show any interest or disinterest?
I mean, it's possible she didn't say anything just to be nice, but if she really didn't like it, she could've just said so. By not saying so, you imply it's not a problem, so it's hard to feel sorry for her when it happens.

What sucks with both of mine were, we both wanted and agreed to do that, but the second one in particular has a status quo (long story) of wanting to be alone and I guess in her mind it felt like I was obligating her, even though I never meant it to come across that way. It was more of my feelings of being codependent. Again, I'd love to talk to her again and show her how I've moved past that, but she just decided to write me off instead and cut it.

That's what hurts me most is that we WERE on the same page, and I still lost it. It's like losing a card gamble when you can see the future of you winning; it shouldn't even be possible.


As for forcing it, if you get obsessed with it and start thirsting after any girl anywhere you go, it's definitely not good. I've found my most luck when I've just cut back on caring too much about it and just instead tried focusing on improving myself, finding new friends, and then it happens.

As I originally wrote, this time last year, I was way worse off socially and emotionally. I had a 'fake' relationship with someone who completely used me and made a laughing stock, laughing at it and my life.
In spite of that, I took the opportunity as a serious fire under my ass to just improve my situation. That led me to other forums, where I eventually wound up meeting the first girl that was my first real relationship.
And then the loss of her led me to another place I enjoyed, which led to the second one.

None of which would've happened without failing each time, so I'm optimistic the same can happen again. So while I'm still hopeful, I just feel aimless too. Not so much desperate like I'm forcing it, but just worried that I don't know if it can ever happen again, or where to go, what else to try, etc.

One day at a time, I guess.
(02-27-2019, 03:12 AM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote: [ -> ]
(02-27-2019, 02:59 AM)sriguhan Wrote: [ -> ]"Like we couldn't be even just still be friends, or I'm not mature enough to handle it. That's what hurts the most. And thinking that someone who claimed they loved you so much now just feels nothing for you. It's literally akin to being abandoned entirely. "
 
And I thought this was uncommon...
Something very similar happened to me too...
I befriended a girl who was my ex's best friend and we spoke for hours every chance we got, but as you can guess, this didn't last long and she cut me off completely after a few months. The reasons she provided were just outrageous : my English has a thick South Indian accent,  I annoy her by wishing her everyday , I expect too much attention - well, that's kind of true   , but what did she expect? I had just gotten dumped , I needed the company so badly. 

It's just weird , I probably score a 2 on the Kinsey scale but I am more inclined to develop a deeper relationship - romantic or otherwise - with a person of the opposite sex , or maybe it's just that I haven't met the right guy yet , idk. 

I digress; do you think we are pushing it too hard ? Or maybe,  all relationships are fleeting and we just have to choose the one that has the longest shelf life ? I know that sounds cynical, but I've been burned several times now, can't help but think that way...

If she didn't think highly of you just because of an accent, then that's a bad sign already.
And you mean you just wanted to talk to her briefly at least once per day? Did she ever say anything otherwise or show any interest or disinterest?
I mean, it's possible she didn't say anything just to be nice, but if she really didn't like it, she could've just said so. By not saying so, you imply it's not a problem, so it's hard to feel sorry for her when it happens.

What sucks with both of mine were, we both wanted and agreed to do that, but the second one in particular has a status quo (long story) of wanting to be alone and I guess in her mind it felt like I was obligating her, even though I never meant it to come across that way. It was more of my feelings of being codependent. Again, I'd love to talk to her again and show her how I've moved past that, but she just decided to write me off instead and cut it.

That's what hurts me most is that we WERE on the same page, and I still lost it. It's like losing a card gamble when you can see the future of you winning; it shouldn't even be possible.


As for forcing it, if you get obsessed with it and start thirsting after any girl anywhere you go, it's definitely not good. I've found my most luck when I've just cut back on caring too much about it and just instead tried focusing on improving myself, finding new friends, and then it happens.

As I originally wrote, this time last year, I was way worse off socially and emotionally. I had a 'fake' relationship with someone who completely used me and made a laughing stock, laughing at it and my life.
In spite of that, I took the opportunity as a serious fire under my ass to just improve my situation. That led me to other forums, where I eventually wound up meeting the first girl that was my first real relationship.
And then the loss of her led me to another place I enjoyed, which led to the second one.

None of which would've happened without failing each time, so I'm optimistic the same can happen again. So while I'm still hopeful, I just feel aimless too. Not so much desperate like I'm forcing it, but just worried that I don't know if it can ever happen again, or where to go, what else to try, etc.

One day at a time, I guess.

There's a stigma in my country attached to 'polluting' the English language by the way we speak it - that just baffles me cause we use the continuous tense for almost every action and that is perfectly fine, lol. 

Anyway, she was the one who was eager to make friends with me. She claimed to have been impressed by my imaginative story telling - I barely told her one. I guess she and my ex had a long chat about it and both of them agreed to banish me into oblivion =))

From what you've told me , these relationships lasted in the span of the last year or so ? Just my suggestion,  but I think you need a break ! 
Some time to collect your thoughts about how you want your relationship to be. Maybe you'll eventually find a girl whom you never thought you'd be into..
In the mean time, make some friends and learn more about them !
Hey dude! It was nice reading your thread. Before i start i wanna make it clear that i'm not looking for close friends right now. Nothing against you, but as you know they take alot of effort to maintain and i can't have another one right now.

You seem like smart guy and i can relate to the way you look at things. Because of that i hope you're not shoving what you feel away too much. On the other hand you're obviously gonna fail a few times before you get things right. It really sucks that that has to be this excruciating for you.

I'm gonna play devil's advocate a bit here and say that you shouldn't show your weak side to everyone. Be careful who you do that with. And even when you do choose to open up to someone, be careful what you share. At the same time, i agree, take risks. Just don't be stupid about it. Don't be macho all the time yes, but don't be a weak whimp, whimps are boring because they're insincere while thinking they are sincere.

Anyway, yeah, i am very fortunate to also have someone that's so close to me right now. I'm very careful about the relationship and am trying my best to make it succeed. So is she, so that really helps.

Anyway i wish you the best, really.
(02-27-2019, 03:41 AM)Hazed Wrote: [ -> ]Hey dude! It was nice reading your thread. Before i start i wanna make it clear that i'm not looking for close friends right now. Nothing against you, but as you know they take alot of effort to maintain and i can't have another one right now.

You seem like smart guy and i can relate to the way you look at things. Because of that i hope you're not shoving what you feel away too much. On the other hand you're obviously gonna fail a few times before you get things right. It really sucks that that has to be this excruciating for you.

I'm gonna play devil's advocate a bit here and say that you shouldn't show your weak side to everyone. Be careful who you do that with. And even when you do choose to open up to someone, be careful what you share. At the same time, i agree, take risks. Just don't be stupid about it. Don't be macho all the time yes, but don't be a weak whimp, whimps are boring because they're insincere while thinking they are sincere.

Anyway, yeah, i am very fortunate to also have someone that's so close to me right now. I'm very careful about the relationship and am trying my best to make it succeed. So is she, so that really helps.

Anyway i wish you the best, really.

Oh yeah, everything in life requires a proper balance. Excessive machoness is boring, but you gotta show at least that you're confident/capable enough, or at least someone worth talking to who's beyond just a pity party. I meant it more as once you establish THAT, then women are really interested to delve deeper into you and find out where and what you've been through. You develop trust with someone when you show them your insecurities and trust them with it, and they in return.
That's real intimacy.

Yeah, I don't wear my hear on my sleeve to just anyone. Think of a cat. Cats are guarded and distrustful a bit until you earn their trust; then they'll cuddle up close to you and nap with their bellies (IE, any vulnerable part) exposed. Because they both like and trust you.
It takes work, but once you get there, it's okay to drop the guard.

Thanks for the reply, despite the lack of interest! I guess something spurred you on? Toungue

(02-27-2019, 03:34 AM)sriguhan Wrote: [ -> ]From what you've told me , these relationships lasted in the span of the last year or so ? Just my suggestion,  but I think you need a break ! 
Some time to collect your thoughts about how you want your relationship to be. Maybe you'll eventually find a girl whom you never thought you'd be into..
In the mean time, make some friends and learn more about them !

I'm not going to rush into or force anything, but I need to re-establish something with someone right now. It's kind of hard to describe and a long story, but I'm definitely interested in forging new connections wherever I can right now. I feel like it's the one thing I really need above all else. Not my everything, but a big missing piece right now.
(02-27-2019, 05:00 AM)Enpatsu No Shakugan Wrote: [ -> ]Oh yeah, everything in life requires a proper balance. Excessive machoness is boring, but you gotta show at least that you're confident/capable enough, or at least someone worth talking to who's beyond just a pity party. I meant it more as once you establish THAT, then women are really interested to delve deeper into you and find out where and what you've been through. You develop trust with someone when you show them your insecurities and trust them with it, and they in return.
That's real intimacy.

Yeah, I don't wear my hear on my sleeve to just anyone. Think of a cat. Cats are guarded and distrustful a bit until you earn their trust; then they'll cuddle up close to you and nap with their bellies (IE, any vulnerable part) exposed. Because they both like and trust you.
It takes work, but once you get there, it's okay to drop the guard.

Thanks for the reply, despite the lack of interest! I guess something spurred you on? Toungue

Yeah i agree with you. I feel the real challenge is keeping it interesting. If the relationship gets boring it will weaken and fall apart. When one of the two loses interest i find that it's hard to rebuild. Like, you have to work towards something together to keep a relationship going. That's what i'm trying too in the one i refered to. 

Yes, you did, haha. I can relate to the way you think. I enjoy reading your posts to be honest. It's just that i don't want to give you any false hope, i think that would be dishonest. If it helps, i'm not female.
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