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Full Version: Oh No!! Blinded by Self-Hate
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It's just dawned on me that I've had several chances to go on dates, have girlfriends, or just fool around. I can't explain it, but I was just thinking of my past experiences with females and all the sudden it all became very clear.

I've been so convinced in my own head that women want nothing to do with me, think I'm ugly, are disgusted by my presence, etc. I've failed to see the obvious signs. I can't let this go on anymore!
This is a contributing factor to my lack of trust in people, specifically women in a relationship (I don't think women are any less to be trusted than men, I'm just not interested in relationships with men). I'm so convinced that a woman wouldn't be interested in me long term I'd rather not have a long term relationship that gives them the chance to betray me. I don't feel I have anything to offer, and I see people as mostly self-serving in the long term, even when they don't intend to be. Really, I'd like to have had more fun and been cheated on a few times, but I couldn't cope with it.
There must be women out there who don't cheat. There has to be. I've thought to myself that all women will cheat on me, but now I just have to refuse that. I can't allow myself to get in the way of finding someone. I realize it's my own fault that I havn't had much experience.

But I know where you're coming from. It feels really hard to trust anything when it comes to relationships.
There's women out there that dosn't cheat....I know so.

Just like there's guys that dosn't cheat. (for the ladies)
Lonesome Crow Wrote:There's women out there that dosn't cheat....I know so.

Just like there's guys that dosn't cheat. (for the ladies)

To be honest, while I don't think people can accurately judge for themselves why they do half the things they do, I'm willing to accept that there are people who can and will be faithful. My biggest problem is that I'm not convinced I can judge whether I can trust someone myself. Plus, I know from experience that even though I hold it in high regard in a relationship, I tend to have stronger feelings for people who probably can't be trusted. You can't control who you fall for!

But to Jesse, I can't say you won't be hurt, but I regret not having taken more opportunities. I'm too old now to change my world view, but if you can learn to feel that not every relationship has to last or be special you'll probably have more fun and learn more about yourself.
Nyktimos Wrote:
Lonesome Crow Wrote:There's women out there that dosn't cheat....I know so.

Just like there's guys that dosn't cheat. (for the ladies)

To be honest, while I don't think people can accurately judge for themselves why they do half the things they do, I'm willing to accept that there are people who can and will be faithful. My biggest problem is that I'm not convinced I can judge whether I can trust someone myself. Plus, I know from experience that even though I hold it in high regard in a relationship, I tend to have stronger feelings for people who probably can't be trusted. You can't control who you fall for!

Well...my mother hasn't cheated on my dad.(yet)..lol
I was in a relationship with woman for 6 years that didn't cheat
on me and i didn't cheat on her. Infidility wasn't our issue.

For the longest time infidility between Sherry and I wasn't
an issue. 8 years into the relationship was when it happened.
It kind of wacked me out a little bit. (a lot)
Sherry is not like any other women I've loved.
She's a bit way, way out there.
I can't concieve it or makesence of it. It's very baffling for me.

There was infidility on both part during my married.
but we were seperated for more than 6 months and it just looked wasn't going to work.
We however got back together to try to make things work...it didn't.
Yet at the sametime ..My ex-wf and I were able to make peace with each other.
Bascailly she told me she was sorry for hurting me in anyway..
I really needed to hear that from her...It made a big difference
It didn't healed all the wounds..but stopped the infections.
As bad as I felt about my divorce..After we made peace with each other...i didn't
feel like my marriage was a lie..I didn't feel like she didn't love me or didn't tried.
I got sober within a couple of months after that....I felt so much hurted from my ex-wf
but when she made her amends to me as I made mine...I no longer had an excuse to
fuck up my life or used my divorce to get drunk all the fucken time.

With Sherry it was completly different..I thought she was more mature or sane.
I keep thinking or hoping she would at least say something to me.
I know she can't change the past.
But at least give me some type of closesure.
it just feels weird..to have a feeling as if you been living a big fucken lie for the past 12
years of my life..My brain can't process it very well at all..
Espeacilly when she's talking about god, love, forgivness, healing to other people, today.
She's yet to make peace with me...even though i tried to with her.
It took everything out of me to reached out to her...I wasnt perfect in the relationship,
but i wasn't the one with the freaken wreacking ball.

She's also attending AA and is Sober...so she say.
The 12 step program is about honesty, coming clean and making things right. Stop the fucken pains.
Step 8 and 9 tells you striaght up to make amend to people you hurted.
That was her excuse she gave me...she was fucken drunk.
She fucked my sponsee..out of all the people..another person I was helping.
She tells everybody she worked her steps, all of it...
I don't know who the fuck she thought she was living with for the past 12 years of her life...(ME)
Through all the fucken chaso...I was there. Yet she's havn't say one word to me.
It's like one big fucken lie...to me. It's been 3 fucken years since she's been sober..so WTF ???

I still attend AA..becuase I know I need help and I can't stay sober alone.
Trust ????
I have to reach out and try to trust another human being...
And it rips everything out of me...to just sit in meetings sometimes.
My sponsors have been trying to help me...He's the only person I can at least try to
trust at the moment.

I have another friend that's in recovery. She tries to help me to open up
and learn to trust again..Learn and be willing to trust another woman again.

I know i can't drink over any of it...I can't..lol
That's what Sherry wants me to do..is fuck up so she can really piont her fucken finger at me.
I'm not her fucken scapgoat...

It made me feel like I was a piece of trash..that was just used , abuse and just thrown away.

Trust in one of the many issues I have been working on.
It's not easy. I also belived it played I big part why i wouldn't
let myself get close as I wanted to be with Jenni.

I'm still working on it today...
Yeah...I'm still a bit confused..becuase I thought I was a good judge of charactor or I picked a
better partner (Sherry). I was dating 5-6 women when I met her. I thought I made a good decisionSad
She's a sweet church girl with a carreer and for the most part was
like that for years..then she fucken snaped or a very nasty side of her showed up.
it's just wierd or baffling. Well...fuck She's a fucken social worker..so it's even more baffling.
Yeah...conciously or subconsiously...subtle. In the back of my mind i think eventaully any women
I want to get involve with will hurt me eventaully...i know I can't think like that...
But if I say that I didnt....I'd be lying to myself.

Yeah...pretty much Jeses...Whatever it is that's blocking or not clicking more me.
I gotta unblock it or make it click...
Me too!!!
I never thought that I suffered from self-hatred, but it seems to add up. I purposely avoid relationships in general, because of my belief that I am unworthy, unappealing and repulsive.
I wonder how anyone would ever want to be with someone like me, and so I find myself in a downward spiral of isolation.
Lonesome Crow Wrote:
Nyktimos Wrote:
Lonesome Crow Wrote:There's women out there that dosn't cheat....I know so.

Just like there's guys that dosn't cheat. (for the ladies)

To be honest, while I don't think people can accurately judge for themselves why they do half the things they do, I'm willing to accept that there are people who can and will be faithful. My biggest problem is that I'm not convinced I can judge whether I can trust someone myself. Plus, I know from experience that even though I hold it in high regard in a relationship, I tend to have stronger feelings for people who probably can't be trusted. You can't control who you fall for!

Well...my mother hasn't cheated on my dad.(yet)..lol
I was in a relationship with woman for 6 years that didn't cheat
on me and i didn't cheat on her. Infidility wasn't our issue.

For the longest time infidility between Sherry and I wasn't
an issue. 8 years into the relationship was when it happened.
It kind of wacked me out a little bit. (a lot)
Sherry is not like any other women I've loved.
She's a bit way, way out there.
I can't concieve it or makesence of it. It's very baffling for me.

There was infidility on both part during my married.
but we were seperated for more than 6 months and it just looked wasn't going to work.
We however got back together to try to make things work...it didn't.
Yet at the sametime ..My ex-wf and I were able to make peace with each other.
Bascailly she told me she was sorry for hurting me in anyway..
I really needed to hear that from her...It made a big difference
It didn't healed all the wounds..but stopped the infections.
As bad as I felt about my divorce..After we made peace with each other...i didn't
feel like my marriage was a lie..I didn't feel like she didn't love me or didn't tried.
I got sober within a couple of months after that....I felt so much hurted from my ex-wf
but when she made her amends to me as I made mine...I no longer had an excuse to
fuck up my life or used my divorce to get drunk all the fucken time.

With Sherry it was completly different..I thought she was more mature or sane.
I keep thinking or hoping she would at least say something to me.
I know she can't change the past.
But at least give me some type of closesure.
it just feels weird..to have a feeling as if you been living a big fucken lie for the past 12
years of my life..My brain can't process it very well at all..
Espeacilly when she's talking about god, love, forgivness, healing to other people, today.
She's yet to make peace with me...even though i tried to with her.
It took everything out of me to reached out to her...I wasnt perfect in the relationship,
but i wasn't the one with the freaken wreacking ball.

She's also attending AA and is Sober...so she say.
The 12 step program is about honesty, coming clean and making things right. Stop the fucken pains.
Step 8 and 9 tells you striaght up to make amend to people you hurted.
That was her excuse she gave me...she was fucken drunk.
She fucked my sponsee..out of all the people..another person I was helping.
She tells everybody she worked her steps, all of it...
I don't know who the fuck she thought she was living with for the past 12 years of her life...(ME)
Through all the fucken chaso...I was there. Yet she's havn't say one word to me.
It's like one big fucken lie...to me. It's been 3 fucken years since she's been sober..so WTF ???

I still attend AA..becuase I know I need help and I can't stay sober alone.
Trust ????
I have to reach out and try to trust another human being...
And it rips everything out of me...to just sit in meetings sometimes.
My sponsors have been trying to help me...He's the only person I can at least try to
trust at the moment.

I have another friend that's in recovery. She tries to help me to open up
and learn to trust again..Learn and be willing to trust another woman again.

I know i can't drink over any of it...I can't..lol
That's what Sherry wants me to do..is fuck up so she can really piont her fucken finger at me.
I'm not her fucken scapgoat...

It made me feel like I was a piece of trash..that was just used , abuse and just thrown away.

Trust in one of the many issues I have been working on.
It's not easy. I also belived it played I big part why i wouldn't
let myself get close as I wanted to be with Jenni.

I'm still working on it today...
Yeah...I'm still a bit confused..becuase I thought I was a good judge of charactor or I picked a
better partner (Sherry). I was dating 5-6 women when I met her. I thought I made a good decisionSad
She's a sweet church girl with a carreer and for the most part was
like that for years..then she fucken snaped or a very nasty side of her showed up.
it's just wierd or baffling. Well...fuck She's a fucken social worker..so it's even more baffling.
Yeah...conciously or subconsiously...subtle. In the back of my mind i think eventaully any women
I want to get involve with will hurt me eventaully...i know I can't think like that...
But if I say that I didnt....I'd be lying to myself.

Yeah...pretty much Jeses...Whatever it is that's blocking or not clicking more me.
I gotta unblock it or make it click...

Man, sorry Lonesome Crow. You've been through more than anyone should have to go through. Hope things get better for you.


Melanie Wrote:Me too!!!
I never thought that I suffered from self-hatred, but it seems to add up. I purposely avoid relationships in general, because of my belief that I am unworthy, unappealing and repulsive.
I wonder how anyone would ever want to be with someone like me, and so I find myself in a downward spiral of isolation.

I understand how you feel- I'm the same way.
Jesse Wrote:I've been so convinced in my own head that women want nothing to do with me, think I'm ugly, are disgusted by my presence,

i've convinced myself of the same thing, but regarding guys instead. If i send a text to someone and they don't reply, then it is because i am ugly and must be a horrible person, they are so disgusted by my existence that they couldn't face replying to me. its the same if i am waiting at the bus stop and a bus drives past without stopping for me, or if my friends fail to invite me out.
Jesse Wrote:There must be women out there who don't cheat. There has to be. I've thought to myself that all women will cheat on me, but now I just have to refuse that. I can't allow myself to get in the way of finding someone. I realize it's my own fault that I havn't had much experience.

But I know where you're coming from. It feels really hard to trust anything when it comes to relationships.

i've never cheated on anyone in my life, but have been cheated on. if i loved a person, i'd die for them not cheat on them.
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