I hate... that he loves me?

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CenotaphGirl

Under the dirt, that’s my home ⚰️
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I hate the feeling of being loved, it’s like longing for it for so long makes me feel… dirty. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved… I just want to be treated like how I feel inside… like honeysuckle… if i'm not I feel sick… maybe my emotions are all wrong… I don't know. I was made to feel less than dirt for so long I don't know how to accept love, I don't know how to be okay in the skin i'm in, I don't even know how to feel beautiful.

It's like love is so foreign to me that when I really finally believe someone loves me, I just wanna run away from it (but I keep chasing it). On some levels, deep down I feel like I'd rather be slapped about at least I know what to expect. Love is so unpredictable, the feeling makes me let down all my guards... the most vulnerable parts of me exposed... only to... be hurt again? Or to be happy whilst always anticipating betrayal, lies, pain... or what if he can make me happy in every way but one, the one and only most important thing to me... well... what do I do then?

Anyone else as crazy as me? Anyone else ever feel this way?
 
There really is good guys out here! Men who don't use violence or lies and manipulation and there is plenty of us out here. My ex girlfriend was very manipulating and nothing but lies and its now impossible for me to trust a woman because of what I was put through. I was gas-lighted for many years and didn't even know what that was. Even years later I still have serious trust issues that are hard to see past. All I can say is keep looking and there has to be someone out there for everyone.
 
Welcome to the cycle of abuse. It's hard as hell to get out of the cycle, but definitely worth it. And yes, I've been there.
Ugh thanks for the warm welcoming looks like im gonna be here a while🙃

There really is good guys out here! Men who don't use violence or lies and manipulation and there is plenty of us out here. My ex girlfriend was very manipulating and nothing but lies and its now impossible for me to trust a woman because of what I was put through. I was gas-lighted for many years and didn't even know what that was. Even years later I still have serious trust issues that are hard to see past. All I can say is keep looking and there has to be someone out there for everyone.
Issue is if I find a nice guy like that what on earth would he want with me? I’d want him to find a nice girl without all the baggage and damage. Im sorry you was hurt the way you was though… us women can be evil…
 
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I hate the feeling of being loved, it’s like longing for it for so long makes me feel… dirty. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved… I just want to be treated like how I feel inside… like honeysuckle… if i'm not I feel sick… maybe my emotions are all wrong… I don't know. I was made to feel less than dirt for so long I don't know how to accept love, I don't know how to be okay in the skin i'm in, I don't even know how to feel beautiful.

It's like love is so foreign to me that when I really finally believe someone loves me, I just wanna run away from it (but I keep chasing it). On some levels, deep down I feel like I'd rather be slapped about at least I know what to expect. Love is so unpredictable, the feeling makes me let down all my guards... the most vulnerable parts of me exposed... only to... be hurt again? Or to be happy whilst always anticipating betrayal, lies, pain... or what if he can make me happy in every way but one, the one and only most important thing to me... well... what do I do then?

Anyone else as crazy as me? Anyone else ever feel this way?
I'm scared. For a variety of reasons. No shame in admitting it.
But...what's the alternative? Alone in a retirement home with your teeth in a glass? 😈😈😈
At some point, you gotta go. It's better than never trying. Scary as it is.
 
Issue is if I find a nice guy like that what on earth would he want with me? I’d want him to find a nice girl without all the baggage and damage
I was to the point where I thought NO guy would want me....nice or not. But the baggage and damage, don't worry so much about that, because everyone has those. Some may have more, but everyone has it.
All you can do is keep working to get to the person you want to be.
 
Ceno, you sound exactly like my wife. She had some troubles in her past, and even now she'll occasionally say that she doesn't believe my compliments, doesn't feel she deserves to be loved, feels dirty etc.

It's a very difficult mindset to break out of, even with lots of love and encouragement. After all, it's love and encouragement that you're trying to deny and throw off! In my experience, about 20% of the good things I say/do ricochet off into the unknown, but about 80% sticks these days. So far it's taken 7 years and still working on it...
 
Oh Ceno............. IMO, you need to be completely on your own for awhile to realize how awesome you really are!

You also need to realize no guy is worth getting abused over. Ever! Period!

Also, until you can atleast like yourself your relationships are going to continue to be a problem. I've never been able to love myself and it's probably caused problems in my relationships because I always thought why in the hell would they REALLY love me. They must be lying. What's their real angle?

I was right thinking that sometimes. But, I, you, everybody should be comfortable and welcoming to love before they get into a relationship.
 
I was made to feel less than dirt for so long I don't know how to accept love, I don't know how to be okay in the skin i'm in, I don't even know how to feel beautiful.
People who have suffered some kind of abuse... particularly when young ultimately effects you in these ways later on, changing your perceptions and feelings. It's like you have to learn how to deal with it, like learning to ride a bike all over again.

It's totally understandable given the amount of toxic relationships out there, but perhaps the first step would be to open up about it. I mean if they're a good person then they'd understand more and even want to help you. Maybe it'll be difficult.. for both. But totally worth it.
 
Callie and Finished are both right.

Abuse is cyclical which is why it is difficult to get away from, sometimes resulting in Stockholm Syndrome. And yes, after you've been in an abusive relationship, the healthiest and wisest thing you can do is take a significant amount of time to yourself to both heal and find yourself anew.

My 8-year relationship ended rather atypically.
It ended in high profile theft, drug abuse, self harm, emotional and sexual abuse, and enough blood to warrant me throwing out 4 beach towels after being harassed by the police that I myself called to have such the person removed from my apartment.

Sssooo, I spent the next 4 years single by choice, while I tried to reconstruct both my mind and my life.

That's how and why I ended up fighting alcoholism for about 7 years. Sidenote: Don't drink like that, you won't find any of the answers you actually need in the bottom of the bottle and in all actuality it will only make things worse.

Professional help does have merit to it, the drawback of course being the financial cost. But I mean, if you can afford it, that would be the greatest of help. Here in the U.S. rates are sky high, and basically the working class of people who need professional psychological help perhaps the most, basically can't afford it without it cutting into their cost of living between rent and car payments.

I keep thinking to myself that love is more fulfilling and more meaningful in older age than it is in youth. Because when we are young we are optimistic and hopeful in our ignorance about the world we live in and how it works, but when we are old we are humbled and sincere in our brokenness as humans.

Something that began to make sense to me after my experiences was what Rocky said to his son, "life is not about how hard you can hit, life is about how hard you can get hit and keep going."

The hardest lesson we have to learn in life, is that we have to life for what we need rather than what we want. It's the giant elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but nobody really wants to talk about because that's a really difficult conversation to have.

That was, honestly the draw in interest to Buddhist philosophy to me, because I remember some 10+ years ago that that's one of the ways in which people have taught themselves to learn to be okay with letting go of want and desire that is not the actual. Kind of like how I would love for this coffee that I'm drinking to instead be a 10$ coffee from Starbucks, but in all actuality this is just some cheap crap I got at the grocery store that'll last me about a month for the exact same price despite the fact that the quality is significantly less.

Life is a very contrary and counter-intuitive thing, which is part of its great confusion. Alan Watts even called it The Backwards Law. That's why weird things happen like the people who want to be successful, never end up being successful, and the people who don't care about success, end up being successful and then don't know how to manage or handle their success as a result. So that the unsuccessful person who wanted success is tasked in life with never being satisfied, and the successful person who took a life-changing risk because they didn't care about being successful is now tasked with trying to figure out how to handle and manage the difficulties and responsibilities of being successful.

Everyone deserves love, but defining love and finding love is difficult I think because we always look for it outside of ourselves and in all actuality it's mostly inside of ourselves. The perceptual difference you will find in this is an exact 180 degree opposite of how our default perceptions tend to relatively be before we find this out. Or to put it simply: People hate themselves because they look for love outside of themselves, and people love themselves when they look for love inside themselves for a long enough time. It can be quite challenging but does make a difference.

Okay, enough of my long-windedness in your thread. Sorry Cen. 🤗
 
Ceno, you sound exactly like my wife. She had some troubles in her past, and even now she'll occasionally say that she doesn't believe my compliments, doesn't feel she deserves to be loved, feels dirty etc.

It's a very difficult mindset to break out of, even with lots of love and encouragement. After all, it's love and encouragement that you're trying to deny and throw off! In my experience, about 20% of the good things I say/do ricochet off into the unknown, but about 80% sticks these days. So far it's taken 7 years and still working on it...
I don't know how to take real genuine compliments, I dont mind the "ah you're sexy" but anything deeper than that makes me... wanna strap him up to a lie detector lol. I a not sure how to break out of this way of thinking, but honestly I am so glad no one judged me as its a hard thing to admit. I hope it wont take too long for me because I love a quick fix, I just dont think there is one when it comes to putting the mind back together.


Oh Ceno............. IMO, you need to be completely on your own for awhile to realize how awesome you really are!

You also need to realize no guy is worth getting abused over. Ever! Period!

Also, until you can atleast like yourself your relationships are going to continue to be a problem. I've never been able to love myself and it's probably caused problems in my relationships because I always thought why in the hell would they REALLY love me. They must be lying. What's their real angle?

I was right thinking that sometimes. But, I, you, everybody should be comfortable and welcoming to love before they get into a relationship.

The idea of being alone when you could have something special with someone stings, it feels like I am running away from happiness, but truthfully, I don't even know if I expect love, maybe just being alive and with me is enough? Maybe...
People who have suffered some kind of abuse... particularly when young ultimately effects you in these ways later on, changing your perceptions and feelings. It's like you have to learn how to deal with it, like learning to ride a bike all over again.

It's totally understandable given the amount of toxic relationships out there, but perhaps the first step would be to open up about it. I mean if they're a good person then they'd understand more and even want to help you. Maybe it'll be difficult.. for both. But totally worth it.
It's hard to open up sometimes, I hate feeling like the lunatic I actually am lol It never takes long for people to suss out how insecure I am, and how damaged, you know?
 
Callie and Finished are both right.

Abuse is cyclical which is why it is difficult to get away from, sometimes resulting in Stockholm Syndrome. And yes, after you've been in an abusive relationship, the healthiest and wisest thing you can do is take a significant amount of time to yourself to both heal and find yourself anew.

My 8-year relationship ended rather atypically.
It ended in high profile theft, drug abuse, self harm, emotional and sexual abuse, and enough blood to warrant me throwing out 4 beach towels after being harassed by the police that I myself called to have such the person removed from my apartment.

Sssooo, I spent the next 4 years single by choice, while I tried to reconstruct both my mind and my life.

That's how and why I ended up fighting alcoholism for about 7 years. Sidenote: Don't drink like that, you won't find any of the answers you actually need in the bottom of the bottle and in all actuality it will only make things worse.

Professional help does have merit to it, the drawback of course being the financial cost. But I mean, if you can afford it, that would be the greatest of help. Here in the U.S. rates are sky high, and basically the working class of people who need professional psychological help perhaps the most, basically can't afford it without it cutting into their cost of living between rent and car payments.

I keep thinking to myself that love is more fulfilling and more meaningful in older age than it is in youth. Because when we are young we are optimistic and hopeful in our ignorance about the world we live in and how it works, but when we are old we are humbled and sincere in our brokenness as humans.

Something that began to make sense to me after my experiences was what Rocky said to his son, "life is not about how hard you can hit, life is about how hard you can get hit and keep going."

The hardest lesson we have to learn in life, is that we have to life for what we need rather than what we want. It's the giant elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but nobody really wants to talk about because that's a really difficult conversation to have.

That was, honestly the draw in interest to Buddhist philosophy to me, because I remember some 10+ years ago that that's one of the ways in which people have taught themselves to learn to be okay with letting go of want and desire that is not the actual. Kind of like how I would love for this coffee that I'm drinking to instead be a 10$ coffee from Starbucks, but in all actuality this is just some cheap crap I got at the grocery store that'll last me about a month for the exact same price despite the fact that the quality is significantly less.

Life is a very contrary and counter-intuitive thing, which is part of its great confusion. Alan Watts even called it The Backwards Law. That's why weird things happen like the people who want to be successful, never end up being successful, and the people who don't care about success, end up being successful and then don't know how to manage or handle their success as a result. So that the unsuccessful person who wanted success is tasked in life with never being satisfied, and the successful person who took a life-changing risk because they didn't care about being successful is now tasked with trying to figure out how to handle and manage the difficulties and responsibilities of being successful.

Everyone deserves love, but defining love and finding love is difficult I think because we always look for it outside of ourselves and in all actuality it's mostly inside of ourselves. The perceptual difference you will find in this is an exact 180 degree opposite of how our default perceptions tend to relatively be before we find this out. Or to put it simply: People hate themselves because they look for love outside of themselves, and people love themselves when they look for love inside themselves for a long enough time. It can be quite challenging but does make a difference.

Okay, enough of my long-windedness in your thread. Sorry Cen. 🤗
My poor Apexieeee, I'm sorry, I hate hate hate what happened to you under the banner of love. You didn't deserve any of that, and I feel so humbled you shared that, as I know its not easy. Honestly all I want, literally all I want is a decent man, a child you know a little family... thats it... feels like I am asking for the world, I mean I could easily just let some loser get me pregnant and marry me that I dont love, but whats the point in that? I want something real, yet... you men just wanna mess with my head from Monday to Sunday lol Sometimes, I wondering if I should let it all go, just be alone forever, never be a wife or a mother or anything of any meaning to anyone. I wonder if I could find some happiness in that, I just dont know...
 
Ceno, you're absolutely right to keep your standards high and not to give up on your dream of family with a guy you love, decent guys do exist.

As for "the lunatic you actually are", try not to use that kind of self critical language. You're certainly not a "lunatic", you've had some tough stuff to deal with and honesty and real feelings haven't played a significant enough part in your past. It's only natural that your past gives you trust/faith issues, but you've gotta ride the rough road to get to the smooth.

Bottom line, as I've said before, keep going.
 
Thanks Yeti, I just dont know anymore, I like the metaphor about the rough road though, maybe thats what I need to focus on, the journey and not the rough patches.
 
We are all lunatics, at least in small ways....but we are lunatics of our own making. You get to decide how big that lunatic part is. :p

Thanks Yeti, I just dont know anymore, I like the metaphor about the rough road though, maybe thats what I need to focus on, the journey and not the rough patches.

Everyone falters and has to take steps back. If you focus only on those moments you'll never get anyway. Just keep getting back up, try to learn from it and try again.
 
We are all lunatics, at least in small ways....but we are lunatics of our own making. You get to decide how big that lunatic part is. :p



Everyone falters and has to take steps back. If you focus only on those moments you'll never get anyway. Just keep getting back up, try to learn from it and try again.
Callie, we are all loons? lmao Yeah here I go again... learning how to walk again.

You can do it, Cenny

You're stronger than you know, we just forget to believe that about ourselves sometimes. ❤️
Here's me trying Jewelsssss, trying my very best
 
My poor Apexieeee, I'm sorry, I hate hate hate what happened to you under the banner of love. You didn't deserve any of that, and I feel so humbled you shared that, as I know its not easy.

It happened 10 years ago. I'm long over it now. I took the advice of my then-employer who suggested to me that when a problem is bad enough you need to go and deal with it directly and forwardly, otherwise it will only ever continue to fester and become worse. He then explained to me how the mind and the body are kind of like a vehicle, and like a vehicle it requires maintenance. If you don't take the time to make maintenance a priority, it will really mess you up in your older age. The man was a tyrant to work for, but I had a lot of respect for him because over the course of 16 years, his backyard business snowballed into a 16.5 Million/year business, and he'd gone back to college several times for business degrees and was a proper entrepreneur of sorts, having formerly been a college professor of biology. His entry speech to us was: "We don't just give you a job, we also teach life lessons here." And as much as I hated working beneath him, I am thankful that I did.


Honestly all I want, literally all I want is a decent man, a child you know a little family... thats it... feels like I am asking for the world, I mean I could easily just let some loser get me pregnant and marry me that I dont love, but whats the point in that? I want something real, yet... you men just wanna mess with my head from Monday to Sunday lol

You're an attractive woman. So you have attractive woman problems. My old friend Alicia used to call them "pretty girl problems." Best way I can think of it is Emilie Autumn's song Thank God I'm Pretty, which is mostly about how it's a double-edged sword when it comes to dealing with men. Being a parent is perhaps the hardest job there is. There ARE men that want that family life, A LOT of men, actually. You just have to find a man who's interested in that life who also has the ability to realistically sustain that life.

Sometimes, I wondering if I should let it all go, just be alone forever, never be a wife or a mother or anything of any meaning to anyone. I wonder if I could find some happiness in that, I just dont know...

Don't do that.
Definitely be more careful and more serious in your options and interests, but don't give up entirely.
Because, that's what I did.
And, I don't think I can undo it even if I tried to.

The perfect person for me could come into my life and I'd be totally oblivious and not even give it a shot because I've already set myself up to believe that it wouldn't last anyway, which is why I'm oblivious to it after having stopped wanting it.

That's the thing about giving up desires.
Once you give them up, going back to them isn't really much of an option.
It's very much a "that which has been seen, cannot be unseen" kind of an experience.

Now, I'm happier alone, yes, but mostly because it's easier for me to control my life this way.
But sometimes when honeysuckle really kicks my ass in life after like a 12 hour day at work, or a bunch of physically strenuous activity, yeah, it would be kind of nice to not have to go to bed alone. Usually I can just shake it off by the fact that I already know that sleep kind of temporarily resets the brain and so I just need to sleep off the feeling, which I usually can do.

But yeah, don't do that.
I'm only doing it because I have certain advantages to being able to handle it better.
I'm naturally a highly creative introvert and I'm easily amused and entertained.
All of those things I greatly lean into in order for me to be able to handle being single and mostly okay with it.
That's the only way I'm pulling it off.
 

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