Struggling to approach women?

[CenotaphGirl]

I ALMOST agree with your post - there's just a few things.

I think people/society needs to throw out the idea that going for someone "less attractive" is "settling"/"taking one for the team"/"lowering your standards". An attractive person could be mean/offensive/cold, they could be boring, or you could just have nothing in common, you could be unrelatable to each other.

I think instead the focus should be on connecting with someone that holds your interest as a person and makes you care about them in some way.

Society really pushes this idea that it's all about getting the hottest girl, and the most powerful/richest/highest status guy, that you can, and that these people are "better" than others, and if you can attract such a person to you, then you are "better" than others too, you are "beating" the guys whose girlfriends aren't as "hot" as yours, or you're "beating" the girls whose boyfriends aren't as powerful as yours. But there are lots of ways that none of that is true. And I say this as someone who used to buy into that stuff, for a long time. Heaven knows my older posts were like that. But since then, I re-thought it and changed my mind.

Also I don't think pickup lines work either. It's still wanting. I really don't think anything but genuine commonality works.

I think Ska... you still need to have a standard, she hasn't got to be "the hottest woman according to society" but she should be attractive to you... physically and emotionally... you know? I think it's unrealistic to expect true love with someone who is just not doing it for ya.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I think Ska... you still need to have a standard, she hasn't got to be "the hottest woman according to society" but she should be attractive to you... physically and emotionally... you know? I think it's unrealistic to expect true love with someone who is just not doing it for ya.

Of course.

For me, I've found that someone has to be interesting to me, like I have to like their ideas and want to learn more about them, I have to like how their mind works. And I have to care about them emotionally.

I've had it happen before where if someone has those two things, then physical attraction develops, that might not have hit me right away.

For looks, just finding them cute works. Super-hot isn't required, and usually comes with an incompatible personality anyway. I've gotten over "hot but incompatible".

Either way, yeah, I get what you mean.

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Yeah... happens, my friend said "ew..." to some poor guy that tried to talk to her, I remember thinking... wow... that would crush me, good thing he's a man... now I think, man or not, that wasn't a good thing to do to someone.

Seems this friend of yours is somewhat lacking in the milk of human kindness. What was wrong with just saying "I don't wish to talk, thanks"? Why do people feel the need to be O.T.T. cruel and insulting without good reason?

 

[TropicalStarfish]

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Seems this friend of yours is somewhat lacking in the milk of human kindness. What was wrong with just saying "I don't wish to talk, thanks"? Why do people feel the need to be O.T.T. cruel and insulting without good reason?

Hmm sometimes its because you get harsh responses for saying no thanks, its like a strike first thing still mean though

 

[Ima Lone]

If someone, especially a male, approaches someone 30 years their junior, this likely applies -

Just sayin' is all!

 

[TheSkaFish]

Seems this friend of yours is somewhat lacking in the milk of human kindness. What was wrong with just saying "I don't wish to talk, thanks"? Why do people feel the need to be O.T.T. cruel and insulting without good reason?

It's often a display of power and status, pulling rank on someone.
Like "how dare you talk to me, back in your place! Begone, peasant!"

But the thing about that is, that only works if I care about their so-called "rank".
Like yeah, sure they're physically hot, but what do they have to talk about?
Are they interesting, or relatable to me, or relevant to my interests?
Do I like them as a person?
Is there anything about them that makes me care about them?
No, it's just looks. Then it's just "whatever" to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go out of my way to be mean to physically good-looking women, for no reason other than their looks. But I'm not going to bow down to people with that attitude anymore either.

I reached a point where I realized, I already had enough of that honeysuckle from people back in school, and I had enough of feeling bad about myself because I couldn't be "cool" and suppressing myself. Now I'm an adult and I get to pick and choose who I deal with, and I choose not to have that kind of person in my life - so why would I want someone like that, as my girlfriend? Why would I want to physically and emotionally pleasure someone I don't even like? That's some high school "popular" "mean girl" honeysuckle, I'm a grown man. No thanks. They can only have as much power over you as you choose to give them, by caring about what they think, caring about their approval - and I choose to give them no more.

It's not sour grapes because I don't feel like I'm really missing out on anyone that I would have been happy with anyway. Darwinian/hierarchical people can kick rocks...I strongly disagree with that view, and I don't want them in my life. We're extremely incompatible.

There's no need to get mad at them either...would you really want someone so mean-spirited and shallow? That's who they really are, and that's what you're going to be left with when their looks fade as time goes on, just a cold, mean, arrogant person. Just thank them for showing you their true selves, and not wasting your time, and be on your way.

 

[sub5male]

Long time lurker, first time poster here. I thought that perhaps this video may help to give the original poster some perspective regarding his long term struggles with women:

 

[Unsigned]

If someone, especially a male, approaches someone 30 years their junior, this likely applies -

Just sayin' is all!

Not really.
There are known spots in NY where attractive college coeds go to try to meet sugar daddies.
The last place we went that night was known for that.
But I was subsequently told by another friend that particular crowd is not prevalent on Saturday nights.

I get it though. Especially guys with daughters frown upon this type of thing.
I'm in my late 50s and I like girls in their 20s. And I don't think that will ever change. Even if I make it to 80.
Maybe if I had been in relationships in HS & college and had gotten married to a beautiful girl and had a family, perhaps I'd feel the same way as you. But I didn't and here I am. I complain about being alone, but I also know my life could be much worse. I want more, but I suppose I am OK with things as they are...except when I'm not...

EDIT:
Not sure what you mean by "especially male" though?
Are you saying you have less of an issue with older female / younger male pairings?
If so, why?

 

[Forgottendanfan]

Not really.
There are known spots in NY where attractive college coeds go to try to meet sugar daddies.
The last place we went that night was known for that.
But I was subsequently told by another friend that particular crowd is not prevalent on Saturday nights.

I get it though. Especially guys with daughters frown upon this type of thing.
I'm in my late 50s and I like girls in their 20s. And I don't think that will ever change. Even if I make it to 80.
Maybe if I had been in relationships in HS & college and had gotten married to a beautiful girl and had a family, perhaps I'd feel the same way as you. But I didn't and here I am. I complain about being alone, but I also know my life could be much worse. I want more, but I suppose I am OK with things as they are...except when I'm not...

EDIT:
Not sure what you mean by "especially male" though?
Are you saying you have less of an issue with older female / younger male pairings?
If so, why?

Interesting. I'm a man in my 30s, never had an intimate experience of any kind with anyone, but I can find women of almost all ages attractive, from very late teens, all the way up to 50 or occasionally even 60 something year olds. Why do you think you're only capable of being attracted to women in their 20s?

 

[Unsigned]

Interesting. I'm a man in my 30s, never had an intimate experience of any kind with anyone, but I can find women of almost all ages attractive, from very late teens, all the way up to 50 or occasionally even 60 something year olds. Why do you think you're only capable of being attracted to women in their 20s?

I suppose there could be a lot of reasons.
Here are some possibilities.
- That's just what I am attracted to. Who knows how our brains really work?

- Had a cr*ppy childhood & teen years. Was picked on constantly by the other kids. Never had a girlfriend in HS or college, or ever, really.
Since the girls n HS and college and when I was a young adult didn't want me when I was their age, perhaps I figure why should I want them now when they're old & wrinkled and have nothing to offer? I am not calling middle aged & older women worthless, mind you, just giving some thoughts as to how my brain may be working.

- I have been seeing "professionals" regularly since I was 19 years old. Been doing that exclusively for 37 years. Started with NYC hookers in the 1980s, and then moved on to upscale escorts when I started making a good living. But even the streetwalkers I saw in the 1980s were young and physically attractive. There were over a thousand out there on Saturday nights, and I would drive around until I would find a hot young blonde one. I had several "regulars". Since I have always only had sex with girls I picked for youth and beauty, I suppose I conditioned myself over time to only want that.

- Maybe...I'm just a shallow pr*ck when it comes to females.

It's probably a combination of all the above.

 

[ardour]

NM

 

[Ima Lone]

Not really.
There are known spots in NY where attractive college coeds go to try to meet sugar daddies.
The last place we went that night was known for that.
But I was subsequently told by another friend that particular crowd is not prevalent on Saturday nights.

I get it though. Especially guys with daughters frown upon this type of thing.
I'm in my late 50s and I like girls in their 20s. And I don't think that will ever change. Even if I make it to 80.
Maybe if I had been in relationships in HS & college and had gotten married to a beautiful girl and had a family, perhaps I'd feel the same way as you. But I didn't and here I am. I complain about being alone, but I also know my life could be much worse. I want more, but I suppose I am OK with things as they are...except when I'm not...

EDIT:
Not sure what you mean by "especially male" though?
Are you saying you have less of an issue with older female / younger male pairings?
If so, why?

I'ma try n stick to the funny suff. There seem to be lots of fragile personalities here that I was not expecting. But a couple of people here seem cool so I'ma kick it with them ones. You do what you want and I think that I'ma do the same. Sorry our paths crossed but I'm uncrossing 'em now. out

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Now fellas, you kidnapped my thread yes yes you like younger women but I cant imagine how hard it is to read some of the things you say for our mature women in the audience who are lonely too. Keep it to your threads about these things, you have your preferences but to keep going on about it in unrelated threads is a little mean. Feels a little like bullying. They cant change their age anymore than you can change your height. Let’s be kind my dad passed and my mum is looking again and she’d be horrified on this site for rife ageist comments flippantly thrown around

 

[Adamridge79]

Creating a thread is pretty much letting it evolve organically. Just, a bit of common sense.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

oh great, kidnapped and now someone is talking to themselves in here may as well just lock it mods lol

 

[TheSkaFish]

oh great, kidnapped and now someone is talking to themselves in here may as well just lock it mods lol

It doesn't have to come to that.

Let's not knock this one off course...she is after all trying to help, and trying to say something beyond the usual tired dating advice cliches.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

It doesn't have to come to that.

Let's not knock this one off course...she is after all trying to help, and trying to say something beyond the usual tired dating advice cliches.

Thanks Skafishy, your maturity just makes me wanna sing like a Disney princess...

It's often a display of power and status, pulling rank on someone.
Like "how dare you talk to me, back in your place! Begone, peasant!"

But the thing about that is, that only works if I care about their so-called "rank".
Like yeah, sure they're physically hot, but what do they have to talk about?
Are they interesting, or relatable to me, or relevant to my interests?
Do I like them as a person?
Is there anything about them that makes me care about them?
No, it's just looks. Then it's just "whatever" to me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go out of my way to be mean to physically good-looking women, for no reason other than their looks. But I'm not going to bow down to people with that attitude anymore either.

I reached a point where I realized, I already had enough of that honeysuckle from people back in school, and I had enough of feeling bad about myself because I couldn't be "cool" and suppressing myself. Now I'm an adult and I get to pick and choose who I deal with, and I choose not to have that kind of person in my life - so why would I want someone like that, as my girlfriend? Why would I want to physically and emotionally pleasure someone I don't even like? That's some high school "popular" "mean girl" honeysuckle, I'm a grown man. No thanks. They can only have as much power over you as you choose to give them, by caring about what they think, caring about their approval - and I choose to give them no more.

It's not sour grapes because I don't feel like I'm really missing out on anyone that I would have been happy with anyway. Darwinian/hierarchical people can kick rocks...I strongly disagree with that view, and I don't want them in my life. We're extremely incompatible.

There's no need to get mad at them either...would you really want someone so mean-spirited and shallow? That's who they really are, and that's what you're going to be left with when their looks fade as time goes on, just a cold, mean, arrogant person. Just thank them for showing you their true selves, and not wasting your time, and be on your way.

So let me ask you this... if you met a girl that was extremely attractive, would you be too intimidated to approach? Is this a thing? Somewhere, in the land of Youtube university it was explained that men are extremely intimidated by highly attractive women, is this true? Is there a preconception that they are all vain and mean... ?

 

[TheRealCallie]

There seem to be lots of fragile personalities here that I was not expecting.

What exactly did you expect to find on a **** lonely forum?

Creating a thread is pretty much letting it evolve organically. Just, a bit of common sense.

Yep, only God knows how many other threads have been hijacked by....well, others.

 

[Unsigned]

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