usernamesarehard3009
Member
I haven't been here to this site for a long time. You probably won't be bothered to read all of this, but I just have vent and get this out somehow. I haven't had anyone to talk to for months.
Just 3 years ago I was a completely different person. I didn't care much for my weight, or how I dressed, or my posture, or the way I talked and acted. Now I'm extremely self conscious about all of these things. I'm terrified of any kind of social interaction. I can't even ask for a pen in school. I've fallen into a deep depression and I don't find anything exciting anymore. I've been starving myself for so long it's gotten to the point where I'm losing a kilogram every day and I constantly feel lethargic and my brain is foggy. I can't focus too hard on anything and the past couple months I've made little to no progress with any of my projects in game development. I don't see hunger as my body screaming for sustenance, now it's like a headache that you just have to sit through until it goes away for a little bit. I haven't interacted with another human being for too long, not even online. I've deleted all my social media. Nobody even talks to me on there, and it always makes me feel worse than before I opened it. I've grown apart with my last friend 6 months ago.
I don't know if I should even say this, but on February 23rd I tried to take my life. I tried to eat what I thought was gonna be my last meal (a bowl of instant noodles) but I hardly touched it. Then I tried to poison myself with whatever random medicines were in the cabinet. I swallowed about 6 mouthfuls of pills until I physically couldn't any more and just sat there waiting for it to happen. The feeling of impending doom was terrifying and overwhelming. My heart started pounding. Not quickly, it was beating at a normal pace, just extremely hard. Like the poor sucker was trying it's best to keep on pumping. I didn't really have any other symptoms. After hours of trying I managed to get to sleep. It would have been easier to go while unconscious. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and slowly shambled to the toilet and threw up the 2 bites of instant noodles I had. It left an extremely bitter taste of chemicals in my mouth. My body must have had to concentrate as much of the drugs into what little food was in my stomach. If I didn't eat it it would have stayed in my system and I probably would have died. Honestly I wish I just kicked the bucket then and there, it would have made things much simpler. I'm really considering trying it again. I was sure the amount I had would have been enough but clearly it wasn't.
The only thing keeping me going now is this extreme diet I'm doing. With the intent of one day being at least somewhat conventionally attractive to be dateable. If not, at least I won't hate myself so much.
I don't want to sound like a ********* but I think I look handsome. At least my face does, but underneath my baggy clothes I'm skinnyfat. My body has an uneven distribution of fat from a decade's worth of sitting down at a screen. I hope that maybe once I reach a comfortable weight I can stop being a kissless virgin. I've been in a relationship once, but it lasted only a couple months because I was a selfish ******* idiot. When I was with her, I felt like she was taking too much time out of my life. And, well, looking back I guess she did. She was spending all day every day with me and I had little to no time for myself and my passion in game dev. So I started to distance myself from her more. I couldn't even break up with her properly, I just stopped talking to her at one point. I feel ******* horrible for it and I always wish I could go back in time and fix things. I was too spineless to try and set boundaries with her. I dream of her taking me back but there is just no chance. I'm sure she's taken by now anyway, with someone way better than me. I'm surprised I even got with her at all. She was really pretty and I was weird and ugly. I'm 100% sure I'll never find someone who doesn't care about how I look. That's why I'm trying to better myself. I am now at 63.4 kilos. Over a 10 kilo difference from last month, but barely any difference on my body.
Just 3 years ago I was a completely different person. I didn't care much for my weight, or how I dressed, or my posture, or the way I talked and acted. Now I'm extremely self conscious about all of these things. I'm terrified of any kind of social interaction. I can't even ask for a pen in school. I've fallen into a deep depression and I don't find anything exciting anymore. I've been starving myself for so long it's gotten to the point where I'm losing a kilogram every day and I constantly feel lethargic and my brain is foggy. I can't focus too hard on anything and the past couple months I've made little to no progress with any of my projects in game development. I don't see hunger as my body screaming for sustenance, now it's like a headache that you just have to sit through until it goes away for a little bit. I haven't interacted with another human being for too long, not even online. I've deleted all my social media. Nobody even talks to me on there, and it always makes me feel worse than before I opened it. I've grown apart with my last friend 6 months ago.
I don't know if I should even say this, but on February 23rd I tried to take my life. I tried to eat what I thought was gonna be my last meal (a bowl of instant noodles) but I hardly touched it. Then I tried to poison myself with whatever random medicines were in the cabinet. I swallowed about 6 mouthfuls of pills until I physically couldn't any more and just sat there waiting for it to happen. The feeling of impending doom was terrifying and overwhelming. My heart started pounding. Not quickly, it was beating at a normal pace, just extremely hard. Like the poor sucker was trying it's best to keep on pumping. I didn't really have any other symptoms. After hours of trying I managed to get to sleep. It would have been easier to go while unconscious. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and slowly shambled to the toilet and threw up the 2 bites of instant noodles I had. It left an extremely bitter taste of chemicals in my mouth. My body must have had to concentrate as much of the drugs into what little food was in my stomach. If I didn't eat it it would have stayed in my system and I probably would have died. Honestly I wish I just kicked the bucket then and there, it would have made things much simpler. I'm really considering trying it again. I was sure the amount I had would have been enough but clearly it wasn't.
The only thing keeping me going now is this extreme diet I'm doing. With the intent of one day being at least somewhat conventionally attractive to be dateable. If not, at least I won't hate myself so much.
I don't want to sound like a ********* but I think I look handsome. At least my face does, but underneath my baggy clothes I'm skinnyfat. My body has an uneven distribution of fat from a decade's worth of sitting down at a screen. I hope that maybe once I reach a comfortable weight I can stop being a kissless virgin. I've been in a relationship once, but it lasted only a couple months because I was a selfish ******* idiot. When I was with her, I felt like she was taking too much time out of my life. And, well, looking back I guess she did. She was spending all day every day with me and I had little to no time for myself and my passion in game dev. So I started to distance myself from her more. I couldn't even break up with her properly, I just stopped talking to her at one point. I feel ******* horrible for it and I always wish I could go back in time and fix things. I was too spineless to try and set boundaries with her. I dream of her taking me back but there is just no chance. I'm sure she's taken by now anyway, with someone way better than me. I'm surprised I even got with her at all. She was really pretty and I was weird and ugly. I'm 100% sure I'll never find someone who doesn't care about how I look. That's why I'm trying to better myself. I am now at 63.4 kilos. Over a 10 kilo difference from last month, but barely any difference on my body.