Mini rant- Once a cheat?

[CenotaphGirl]

Wanna know something personal about me? I'll share... why not..

The story starts like this, I forgave my fella for cheating on me, I kinda forgave it instantly, If i'm being honest, I felt like I was "pretending" to be mad/hurt... like I didn't have the right response.

Deep down I felt like he was right to cheat on me because I wasn't playing my part. For good reason, but if I have to be honest... I wasn't doing my job, you know?

As unfair as that sounds..if he stopped doing his...I'd replace him instantly, so no double standards. He explained his ex threw herself at him...and he just let it happen..His ex feels so high and mighty for manipulating him but I personally think she's nothing. As much as she wishes, she's not me, and if she was so amazing, he wouldn't keep running back to me.

So the dilemma? ...

People want me to be in tears, breaking down that he slept with her but honestly... I dont care. If I thought she was better than me, that would break me, but I can see the obvious desperation... I don't admit that to him though, I act like it hurt me sooo much, but it's not true and feels manipulative.

He's given me everything I've asked for since he cheated, even now during our fresh start he tells me how sorry he is. He tells me he will make it up to me forever, in my mind I think... oh just shut up about it, but on the outside... idk.

Am I allowed to say, look it didn't hurt me, I was disappointed but I saw your desperation for even looking her way. Is that socially acceptable, do I have to pretend to be angry forever? I said fresh start no more games... yet this is a game.. Well this is the game... that I dont think im playing for myself, others judge me so much for loving him.

I feel like when can I stop? If I stop... will I still be judged?

 

[Colster]

The simple question is; what do you want?

We all have our opinions and could offer a variety of advice. But what happens is your choice. Do what you want to do.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

In the end, we deceive only ourselves...

 

[randomguy]

A man can love you from the bottom of his heart, and still find room at the top for somebody he claimed was nobody.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

The simple question is; what do you want?

We all have our opinions and could offer a variety of advice. But what happens is your choice. Do what you want to do.

I always do what I want Colster lol I just hate being judged for it.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

A man can love you from the bottom of his heart, and still find room at the top for somebody he claimed was nobody.

I like this, but why is that? Whats wrong with you men lolz

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

I feel like women understand why men cheat more often than men understand why men cheat.
More often times than not, your average relationship for a man, if it isn't lopsided, is an emotional experience.

And if there's one thing that's universally understood by both genders, it's that we men aren't exactly captains of navigating our emotional spectrum well. Whereas women, typically understand themselves emotionally quite a bit more intimately than we do ourselves.

As weird as it is to say, I think the closest to "proof" of this that I've seen is within long-term relationships and married couples I know. It's a common occurrence that I end up friends with both the husband and the wife, and end up mediating and helping their turbulence. In a couple instances, of their own volition in retrospect of a disagreement the wives will feel remorse for it and admit to either fault or guilt, which perplexes me a bit.

That's interesting to me, because men, don't typically do that. Not unless they're of the Socratic Method or think scientifically and objectively. Which fascinates me, because to be able to think like that is an aspect of critical thinking applied to the emotional spectrum. Do women even know, that that's what that is? I guess I've never really thought to ask a lady that.

For some reason, men evolved to be able to use critical thinking skills objectively, but not emotionally. That's an optional feature to us, we don't typically learn how to do that unless we actually actively apply ourselves to learning how to do that. And I know that, because I've taught myself how to do it to help myself manage my mental health better.

I always do what I want Colster lol I just hate being judged for it.

Don't concern yourself with the judgment of others, that's a whole bunch of anxious negativity you don't need in your life. Just be you, if people can't handle it they'll fresia off. It takes the work out of it, shapes things more naturally without having to do so much micromanagement.

Whenever you feel like he's sufficed his penance just let him know. I don't think dragging it out longer than you feel is comfortable would be helpful though, because eventually you'll end up feeling guilty for it and the purpose will be somewhat defeated if it starts to take a toll on the shape of your relationship that makes you unhappy. I mean, he obviously didn't behave the same way BEFORE that happened. A person seeking atonement will behave differently than a person who isn't seeking atonement. What I'm getting at is that it can have the rubberband effect if you aren't careful. You know, when you stretch a rubberband out too far, how it snaps back way harder than otherwise?

Generally speaking, you find out what you want in life by finding out what you don't want again. As a matter of trial and error. So what you don't want, is whatever made things go bad in your previous relationships in terms of shape and direction.

But with a person seeking atonement, until you tell him he's forgiven, you're kind of holding the keys to the car of the relationship. If you want him to drive, he kinda needs the keys to do so. So really, the ball is in your court sotospeak.

He needs to hear it from you, I think, in order to perhaps stop feeling guilty about it. And when he stops feeling guilty about it, he'll stop bringing it up and behaving like he's seeking atonement for it.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I feel like women understand why men cheat more often than men understand why men cheat.
More often times than not, your average relationship for a man, if it isn't lopsided, is an emotional experience.

And if there's one thing that's universally understood by both genders, it's that we men aren't exactly captains of navigating our emotional spectrum well. Whereas women, typically understand themselves emotionally quite a bit more intimately than we do ourselves.

As weird as it is to say, I think the closest to "proof" of this that I've seen is within long-term relationships and married couples I know. It's a common occurrence that I end up friends with both the husband and the wife, and end up mediating and helping their turbulence. In a couple instances, of their own volition in retrospect of a disagreement the wives will feel remorse for it and admit to either fault or guilt, which perplexes me a bit.

That's interesting to me, because men, don't typically do that. Not unless they're of the Socratic Method or think scientifically and objectively. Which fascinates me, because to be able to think like that is an aspect of critical thinking applied to the emotional spectrum. Do women even know, that that's what that is? I guess I've never really thought to ask a lady that.

For some reason, men evolved to be able to use critical thinking skills objectively, but not emotionally. That's an optional feature to us, we don't typically learn how to do that unless we actually actively apply ourselves to learning how to do that. And I know that, because I've taught myself how to do it to help myself manage my mental health better.



Don't concern yourself with the judgment of others, that's a whole bunch of anxious negativity you don't need in your life. Just be you, if people can't handle it they'll fresia off. It takes the work out of it, shapes things more naturally without having to do so much micromanagement.

Whenever you feel like he's sufficed his penance just let him know. I don't think dragging it out longer than you feel is comfortable would be helpful though, because eventually you'll end up feeling guilty for it and the purpose will be somewhat defeated if it starts to take a toll on the shape of your relationship that makes you unhappy. I mean, he obviously didn't behave the same way BEFORE that happened. A person seeking atonement will behave differently than a person who isn't seeking atonement. What I'm getting at is that it can have the rubberband effect if you aren't careful. You know, when you stretch a rubberband out too far, how it snaps back way harder than otherwise?

Generally speaking, you find out what you want in life by finding out what you don't want again. As a matter of trial and error. So what you don't want, is whatever made things go bad in your previous relationships in terms of shape and direction.

But with a person seeking atonement, until you tell him he's forgiven, you're kind of holding the keys to the car of the relationship. If you want him to drive, he kinda needs the keys to do so. So really, the ball is in your court sotospeak.

He needs to hear it from you, I think, in order to perhaps stop feeling guilty about it. And when he stops feeling guilty about it, he'll stop bringing it up and behaving like he's seeking atonement for it.

Im sorry you are a genius, like literally... In my books anyway... it's thisss lineee omg.

Whenever you feel like he's sufficed his penance just let him know. I don't think dragging it out longer than you feel is comfortable would be helpful though, because eventually you'll end up feeling guilty for it and the purpose will be somewhat defeated if it starts to take a toll on the shape of your relationship that makes you unhappy.

It's just this for me, this is so... how I feel. Like he's said sorry, I forgive, what's the next part of the chapter, I know others could never forgive, but we had a lot going on and I wasn't in my right mind at the time. My friends argue, he should be protecting you not hurting you even more!! I understand but if he was in some state, I wouldn't just give up all my wants and needs for him either, you know? But I'd always be his when he snapped back out of it, and to me love is pure when its real and unselfish. I know people might say it's strange but if I really love someone, I dont want them to waste time suffering with me.

 

[ewomack]

If you post something on a public forum, people have the right to judge or not judge you and you equally have the right to take it to heart or not. If you don't like being judged, then why do you post certain things here? That's the risk of putting things out there. I've been judged here as well, it's just part of the game.

Also, I've known plenty of women who were completely out of touch emotionally with themselves. They cheated, regretted it, then cheated again, etc. This isn't just a man thing. Men and women can both be out of touch with themselves. Both men and women can have double standards, cheat and sneak around. It's more a matter of personality than gender.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

If you post something on a public forum, people have the right to judge or not judge you and you equally have the right to take it to heart or not. If you don't like being judged, then why do you post certain things here? That's the risk of putting things out there. I've been judged here as well, it's just part of the game.

Also, I've known plenty of women who were completely out of touch emotionally with themselves. They cheated, regretted it, then cheated again, etc. This isn't just a man thing. Men and women can both be out of touch with themselves. Both men and women can have double standards, cheat and sneak around. It's more a matter of personality than gender.

Lemme just make that clear... I don't mean being judged on here lol I mean my friends and people in my life I don't care about being judged on here, was hoping more for advice and discussion over judgement though, since im sure, no one is without sin on here...

I deffo dont think cheating is a man thing, I was only joking there... lighten up

 

[ewomack]

I deffo dont think cheating is a man thing, I was only joking there... lighten up

That wasn't directed at you, but it doesn't matter.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

That wasn't directed at you, but it doesn't matter.

Ewomack, you know, you just dont seem like your usual self lately, I hope you're alright usually you say things that make me google every other word, and just wanna pick your brain for hours lolz Idk, I just hope you're okay

 

[Finished]

Relationships are different for every couple. IMO, it's good that he feels bad about cheating. He should. Again, IMO, anybody that cheats deserves to feel bad. They need to realize what a bad thing it really is.

However, if it doesn't bother you then that's fine. So, it comes down to the manipulation part of it. Hmmmm. I would want my SO to be honest with me like I am with them. But, this is not the relationship you have. So, IMO, with your relationship, your man wants/needs to feel bad and make things right for you. So, let him. BUT, at some point, IMO, you need to end it before it pushes him away.

For instance, if/when he does something really special for you and says something like, again, I'm so sorry I cheated on you and it will never happen again. So, you say, I forgive you and accept your promise to me. I think the two of us can leave this in our past now and focus on our future because I know we both love each other very much. Then you can add some more personal bullshit to that and then everything will be good again for ahile.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I mean, if you really don't care that it happened, then you don't care, and there's no problem.

But I do think it's a personality thing. This guy cheated - he could have not done it, but he did it anyway. And if this woman was so "nothing", she should have been easy to resist. The way I see it, the guy realized he had options and took them. As much as I hate the idea of "mate value" because it suggests that some people are inherently "better" than others, I feel like it makes sense when looking at it that way. As long as this guy's "mate value" remains high, he's probably going to continue to play games, simply because he believes he can afford to. Once people believe they're inherently superior, decency goes out the window because they don't think they're bound by it. They'll treat you how they see fit to.

I wouldn't forgive a cheater. I couldn't trust the person again. And it's a form of disrespect/contempt, which is an unforgivable deal-breaker in my book.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Relationships are different for every couple. IMO, it's good that he feels bad about cheated. He should. Again, IMO, anybody that cheats deserves to feel bad. They need to realize what a bad thing it really is.

However, if it doesn't bother you then that's fine. So, it comes down to the manipulation part of it. Hmmmm. I would want my SO to be honest with me like I am with them. But, this is not the relationship you have. So, IMO, with your relationship, your man wants/needs to feel bad and make things right for you. So, let him. BUT, at some point, IMO, you need to end it before it pushes him away.

For instance, if/when he does something really special for you and says something like, again, I'm so sorry I cheated on you and it will never happen again. So, you say, I forgive you and accept your promise to me. I think the two of us can leave this in our past now and focus on our future because I know we both love each other very much. Then you can add some more personal bullshit to that and then everything will be good again for ahile.

I like thisss gives me butterflies its sooooooooo romanticccccc I will do this, I just felt like I had to lie, I'd prefer him to never, ever, cheat on me again but I wasn't mad given the circumstances, I felt like, well... it was an unfair spot for both of us, I understand it, I just wanna move on without hearing how dumb I am and how hurt I must be when im not. you know?

 

[CenotaphGirl]

I mean, if you really don't care that it happened, then you don't care, and there's no problem.

But I do think it's a personality thing. This guy cheated - he could have not done it, but he did it anyway. And if this woman was so "nothing", she should have been easy to resist. The way I see it, the guy realized he had options and took them. As much as I hate the idea of "mate value" because it suggests that some people are inherently "better" than others, I feel like it makes sense when looking at it that way. As long as this guy's "mate value" remains high, he's probably going to continue to play games, simply because he believes he can afford to. Once people believe they're inherently superior, decency goes out the window because they don't think they're bound by it. They'll treat you how they see fit to.

I wouldn't forgive a cheater. I couldn't trust the person again. And it's a form of disrespect/contempt, which is an unforgivable deal-breaker in my book.

You know SkaFish, I like your point of view, honestly the truth is she was there being a tempting skank lol , nothing more, I've done it, most people I know has made a man feel weak and step out when he shouldn't at least once or twice in their life, so im not judging her, but she knows deep down if its a choice between me and her... he wants me, he made that clear to both of us.

I feel like trust is difficult, but if he sleeps with her again, I'd know he's a total nutter and I'd probably not be so nice and forgiving lol but who knows.. maybe I just won't care again.

Side note.. what is mate value?

 

[Finished]

I feel like trust is difficult, but if he sleeps with her again, I'd know he's a total nutter and I'd probably not be so nice and forgiving lol but who knows.. maybe I just won't care again.

Some couples have affairs on the side. They both know about it. But, they don't talk about it or share any details. It's the, don't ask don't tell, policy.

I knew an older couple that did that when they were younger. It allowed them to release their bad feeling about each other onto someone else and fulfill their desires at the same time. It actually kept them together. Then at some point, they decided they didn't need to do that any more.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

Some couples have affairs on the side. They both know about it. But, they don't talk about it or share any details. It's the, don't ask don't tell, policy.

I knew an older couple that did that when they were younger. It allowed them to release their bad feeling about each other onto someone else and fulfill their desires at the same time. It actually kept them together. Then at some point, they decided they didn't need to do that any more.

Lol sounds like something I'd do when im 55+ to celebrate getting one step closer to my tombstone lmaoo. "Swing in to my grave", but as for now I want something built on love. I just think though come on... if I was some guys bit of fluff for a night, im not gonna get deluded and think, omg... he loves me more than his wife of x number of years, im just gonna think.. eh.. I got what I wanted because I was being a tempting skank, nothing more nothing less, and so I dont see why I'd turn around and act like omg, he loves her more than me, when I know it's not true.

 

[TheSkaFish]

You know SkaFish, I like your point of view, honestly the truth is she was there being a tempting skank lol , nothing more, I've done it, most people I know has made a man feel weak and step out when he shouldn't at least once or twice in their life, so im not judging her, but she knows deep down if its a choice between me and her... he wants me, he made that clear to both of us.

I feel like trust is difficult, but if he sleeps with her again, I'd know he's a total nutter and I'd probably not be so nice and forgiving lol but who knows.. maybe I just won't care again.

I don't know...I guess with me and the people I've been around, that kind of stuff isn't common at all. The way I see it, she was wrong to tempt him, but he was wrong to give in. Maybe I'm projecting my own views and values onto you, but still, I feel like you're selling yourself short by going back to a known cheater.

If it was me, I think he's telling you what you want to hear, so that you take him back. And he knows you like him, so he knows he has the advantage there too. I think he's singing you the tune he knows you want to hear, and I wouldn't put this behavior past him again. Once people get a sense of what the other person is willing to accept, you can't count on them to just do the right thing out of the goodness of their hearts. Basically I feel like this guy is selfish, and believes he is above consequences. I mean, I don't know for sure, I can't - but I'd say this guy's behavior seems like it's all about strategy, not genuine feelings. I think he's playing you. I think that's how this type of guy, this personality, works.

As far as mate value goes - it's a person's perceived value on the dating market. If someone thinks they're a big deal, they're more likely to behave any way they want to, because they think they can get someone else any time they feel like it, and they think that they can find someone who will accept their bad behavior, so they don't feel like they have to be decent or change for anyone. They don't care about right and wrong, whatever is "right", is just whatever they want.

 

[NoxApex(N/A)]

Im sorry you are a genius, like literally... In my books anyway... it's thisss lineee omg.



It's just this for me, this is so... how I feel. Like he's said sorry, I forgive, what's the next part of the chapter, I know others could never forgive, but we had a lot going on and I wasn't in my right mind at the time. My friends argue, he should be protecting you not hurting you even more!! I understand but if he was in some state, I wouldn't just give up all my wants and needs for him either, you know? But I'd always be his when he snapped back out of it, and to me love is pure when its real and unselfish. I know people might say it's strange but if I really love someone, I dont want them to waste time suffering with me.

It's easy for me to discern what women mean through inference, because of the influences of both my mother and my younger sister. I'm not a genius, just a nerd. I try to help people I know with life problems and very often it just happens to be marital or relationship-related. I can have an unbiased middle ground look at it, because it isn't my relationship, I'm not involved. So over time of the years I've learned a bit about both the masculine and the feminine psyche, neither of which is better or worse than the other. Again, I'm just a Manager, I'm good at my job.