Judecca

I enjoy black metal music, grunge, J-pop, and J-rock. I am a big fan of anime. Not just the violent stuff but I even watch the cutesy stuff too. I always feel that if I share anything about myself with anyone they will ultimately reject me. I have a "messed up" sense of humor and when I give my opinion on something it can be horrifyingly profound. I tend to desensitize myself cause it helps me deal with my life. When you have been alone for as long as I have you get too much time to think and read. Naturally I would read plenty of Philosophy, both Western and Eastern. I am an existentialist at heart. Because I "understand" just how cruel and unforgiving the world is I am a really nice person and just want someone who I can care for and protect. But I can't get over the feeling that I was just meant to be alone and that no one can possibly accept me. I feel that most people can motivate themselves through the duty they have to their loved ones but it feels like I don't have that option. I have to reach into a dark, sad, scary place to keep myself on my own two feet cause it's the only thing I really understand how to do. I weight lift regularly and am in better shape than most of my peers cause I channel that aggression and despair into my workouts. So that's one thing I got going for me lol. I guess my problem is I can't force myself to wear a mask like everyone else. The best I can pull off is a poker face or a laugh but I get the feeling that it isn't enough to fool people. I have little patience for idle conversation and prefer to speak only when I have something profound, funny, or constructive to say. So naturally I get the reputation as the "strong silent type" or even worse, some sort of school shooter.