DON'T want to Shack Up

August Campbell said:

In your last sentence, you mentioned manipulation. If by that you mean her apparel, then even the Pastor agreed with me that her suit's skimpiness is Immodest and should be avoided. Not only for me but also for Other men who might look at her. My Pastor occasionally sermonizes about it. No manipulation at all.

Regarding your insistence on marriage--a relationship does not obligate a couple to marry at all. A couple can continue a relationship for years, even decades, without the slightest expectation of marriage. Quite common.

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Sorry, but I just have to ask. Why are you discussing this with your pastor? Shouldn't this be between you and your girlfriend?

Butterfly 2 said:

Sorry, but I just have to ask. Why are you discussing this with your pastor? Shouldn't this be between you and your girlfriend?

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Actually I had already heard the pastor mention about modesty in attire in a previous sermon. That's what I meant when I said the pastor and me are in agreement.

Im curious why exactly you want to have a girlfriend. 2ndly I wonder if you believe you can control what your gf does/doesn't do; the phrase she should/shouldn't do something is rather troubling. In the end how she dresses is her decision.

Think it would be a good idea to have a frank open discussion w/ ur gf. She might not have same expectations as u do & w/o the talk, 1 of u is bound to get hurt

August Campbell said:

Actually I had already heard the pastor mention about modesty in attire in a previous sermon. That's what I meant when I said the pastor and me are in agreement.

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Okay. I see what you're saying now, but it would be common for a pastor to talk about that even generically. I personally have never heard that in a sermon, but I'm sure many people have.

Do you think she realizes the way she dresses or that her bathing suit bothers you this much? She's probably unaware of it since she wants to live with you. Does she have a birthday coming up soon? Valentine's Day is right around the corner so what would happen if you found a bathing suit that you felt was appropriate and got it for her as a gift and see what happens? She might love it. Honestly though, things must go a lot deeper than what she wears.

Butterfly 2 said:

Okay. I see what you're saying now, but it would be common for a pastor to talk about that even generically. I personally have never heard that in a sermon, but I'm sure many people have.

Do you think she realizes the way she dresses or that her bathing suit bothers you this much? She's probably unaware of it since she wants to live with you. Does she have a birthday coming up soon? Valentine's Day is right around the corner so what would happen if you found a bathing suit that you felt was appropriate and got it for her as a gift and see what happens? She might love it. Honestly though, things must go a lot deeper than what she wears.

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Your points are well-taken. They are well-thought-out and I appreciate them. Keep them coming.
At this point, I think I should tell you about gf's past. At first I felt hesitant about revealing it because it's something that she confided to me only. But I guess it's alright to reveal it here, because on this forum Nobody knows who she is.
Her past is that she had three relationships, all of which were sexually abusive. For her, it was very difficult to leave each relationship, because she felt such a strong need for a soulmate. But eventually the abuse became so severe that she finally had to leave each one. So it's not surprising at all that she hates sex.
That's why she stays with me--because I'm Celibate. In fact, she made it quite clear to me. Obviously then, it's the main compatibility between us.

I was surprised when she confided all that to me. But she said she felt safe in doing so, because she already knew I was celibate. When she unloaded all that on me, it made us get closer together. It made for a stronger bond because I see her smiling nowadays.

Finished said:

Probably not. Some women would love the not shacking up part. But, you get what you get. Everything is about compromise. Maybe let her stay over a few times a week. Or hold your ground firm! Maybe she'll realize you won't budge and just accept it.

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Thank you for your suggestions.

August Campbell said:

Why can my girlfriend not understand that I don't want to shack up with her? While I of course value her companionship, I also at the same time value my solitude. That is, I don't want any roommate. Whenever I come home, I want to be by myself so I can relax. To me, relaxation comes from solitude. She cannot understand that.

Also I stopped going swimming with her, because her outfit is too skimpy. She should wear a one piece suit, but she doesn't. So we do only tennis nowadays.

But my main point is that shacking up is Not necessary for a relationship. In fact I believe that shacking up can even hurt a relationship because we would see too much of each other and so get tired of each other pretty fast. In fact there is a quotation that goes "Familiarity breeds contempt." And to further bolster that point, there is the other quotation "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Is there a way to compromise with her??

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Everyone is different. Anyway you can avoid the familiarity breeds contempt by making sure you are not joined at the hip. Both would be going to work all day, both would have their own hobbies and friends etc. I was seeing my partner regularly and then the lockdown happened, it was a choice of him moving in with me or not seeing each other for maybe years - I won't explain it all but that is truly what the choice was. We chose that he move in. We sorted out what he would contribute towards the bills and got on with it. I never ask him why he does things and he does not with me. He goes out with his best friend every tuesday as he has done for many years. We go out together as a couple with other couples. If we don't like what is on tv we go in the other room and watch something different on the second tv. We have choices. We would not get on at all if we were too different. Both of us are very driven and hard working, I would never get together with a guy who expects me to carry him financially, and have met plenty of them. He likewise does not like gold diggers or scroungers or lazy people. We are interested in the same things and have the same goals. This is what keeps us together. Not whether or not we live in the same house.

August Campbell said:

In your last sentence, you mentioned manipulation. If by that you mean her apparel, then even the Pastor agreed with me that her suit's skimpiness is Immodest and should be avoided. Not only for me but also for Other men who might look at her. My Pastor occasionally sermonizes about it. No manipulation at all.

Regarding your insistence on marriage--a relationship does not obligate a couple to marry at all. A couple can continue a relationship for years, even decades, without the slightest expectation of marriage. Quite common.

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Very often when someone says even X agreed with me. You put the words in their mouth. You said something like DON'T YOU THINK THAT COSTUME IS MUCH TOO SKIMPY and he had to agree or fall out with you. So he agreed. The truth is it is up to your girlfriend what she wears. Even if she ends up married to you it is her choice not yours. You run her down and find fault with her yet you also speak as if you are insecure and worried another guy will like how she looks and take her off of you. If you are such a great catch how could this happen? As to worrying about getting married. Unless you are wealthy - which I know you are not - why worry about it - then it is just a piece of paper. She gains nothing by marrying a man with ordinary amounts of money. And perhaps she would be better off finding a man who does not find fault with her clothes, does not hold back from committing to her and does not criticise her so much. Maybe she could get a guy who is less insecure and has more money too.

I know of a married couple who have been living in separate houses next door to each other for years and years. They are very happy.