Family

my family has seemed to fall apart after mom left dad. We all grew in separate ways there was no more holiday gatherings with so many friends and family they were the best times of my childhood. When mom left I had two kids at the time and my son was only six months I was a single mom living at my parents house. My mom met me at my daughters swim lessons and said here is all your dads work ledgers (He has his own business) and she turned it over to me!! Wth
Did she not know I was struggling tryin to survive and raise my kids as a recovering meth head???
If she thought about that maybe things would have been different?!? She was overwhelmed but her life changes that it didn’t occur to her, I believed she care but the storm was so great that she couldn’t have possibly seen clearly enough to see I needed her!

I grew up in a beautiful home in a nice area, my parents worked and I stayed home with my brothers until parents got home. My nanny(grandmother) hated it and was always so worried about leaving a young girl at home with teenage boys. She had a right to worry. My home wasn’t normal. I walk home with friend from elementary school to find my dad throwing the lawn mower out into the street and stomping on it(I guess he couldn’t start it)? Or dad on porch sawing my brothers new Crome bicycle in half.
Mom and dad never argued in front of me only one time and that ended when all of a sudden mom realized my oldest brother just mooned Someone of front of the house and she ran out snatched him up punched him and the fight turned to that and I do not remember the rest.
Also, in junior high my house was raided by police three times. Once they had me and brothers on lawn while they went tru the house, I had no clue. Second time I sat on the couch as my dad and brother were cuffed on other couch while they ran sacked our house, I still had no clue. Third time I had a clue…. My oldest brother dealing coke, wait that was for the first raid. Second and last one was for my middle brother cooking meth, yup you read that right! Cooked it in the room across hall from mom and dad . I got involved with meth as it was right under my nose I didn’t even have to leave the house. I find coffee filters all over and scraped em and all went down hill from there. My mom I didn’t think she was on drugs just diet pills and viverin . Her hands always moving and she was so thin and always on the go with a upgrade to the house, she did all the upgrades and up keep around house all dad did was work (his own schedule) came home got high with boys golf and hunting but nothing else. No activities with mom or me actually. Yes I did know dad was using and found out he had always used as a young man, when he couldn’t donate blood for my nephew when he was born!!
So mom on pills and smoked weed dad on coke and meth and smoked weed, oldest brother did coke and smoked weed, middle brother meth head, me I just wanted to fit in … I started smoking cigs, then weed in elementary (as my chores were to clean ashtrays wipe tables and dishes after school and I would get my weed from the left over from night before) junior high I was selling weed that I stoked from the plants my parents grew at home, I started fighting in junior high, got to point my dad takes me to school to find girl and fight. Yup!! High school is when meth came into my life. Ruined everything I had going (get back to details.later)
Only made it to tenth grade then got kicked out of all unified school districts for fighting. I soon tried crack as my friends were we would smoke it in our joints. Stopped that after almost a heart attack.
Age 22 I finally dropped all my drug addictions except pot as I got pregnant with my son. I have been clean ever since!! And did it all on my own actually the love for my kids is what did it.

Countrygirl said:

Age 22 I finally dropped all my drug addictions except pot as I got pregnant with my son. I have been clean ever since!! And did it all on my own actually the love for my kids is what did it.

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That's really amazing.
Good for you!

Now that I have written about the timeline of my upbringing, I will start talking about some details that stick out in my mind after all these years of living with these thoughts in my head and never being able to share of get them off my mind, which is why I found this website. I want to express and read reactions and thoughts about my life from different peoples perspectives looking in. Why do I feel the way I do about my past, maybe I will get feed back to help me understand and close the chapters that have been haunting me for years, I want to let go, and live happy positive and enjoy life
I always wanted to write a book or tell my story. I hope you enjoy reading this and my threads, please don’t hesitate to share your thoughts.
To be continued…..

Nanny was right, however it was at night when family was home. I was young and a friend of my brothers would sneak into my room, I was scared and used to set traps to make noise if someone entered my room when I was asleep. He would sit beside my bed and touch me, I was so scared I acted like I was asleep, then I realized if I acted like I was waking up he would hurry out of my room. It happened only a couple times at home and even one night us kids stayed at nanny’s and the same friend stayed to and he tried to touch me in my sleep then too!! That was it!
I finally told my family , the only reaction I saw was my older brother socking him up a couple times across the street. Then things went back to the way they were but he Never came back into my room
Another time when I was teenager on drugs passed out in living room parents at work I woke up to my brothers friend (diff guy) his hand down my pants, I jumped up yelled grabbed a porcelain duck plant and smashed it over his head and told him get out. I tried to wake up my brother as he was sleeping with his son in a bedroom, he ignored me.
Nothing ever happened
Guy still around my brother no problem wtf
I was 15 hooked up with brother friend who was 20 years older
I thought it was cool, well he beat me up at a lakes parking lot tru me in car and told me if I survived this he would live everyday to make my life hell. I jumped out of his car going 40 mph
He never looked back.
Family went after him with guns shot at him said they kicked his ass.
I was damaged, family gave me a stun gun so I would feel comfortable to go out.
Slowly disappearing this whole incident
No justice given

My first pregnancy was with one of my best friends from childhood, all his family lived in the same neighborhood they were known for $ but tight knit holding family secrets close, I remember going to his six year birthday party with a pool, he gave me $10 that day. The party ended for me when I was on the diving board and fell off hitting my crotch on the diving board as I fell into the water. I immediately went home, to find he came after me to see if I was ok.
Years later, we were teenagers and us group of close friends in the neighborhood would go to his parents property 120 acres and stay the weekend. Well we hooked up and guess what, I got pregnant. We had all been on drugs and once I found out I cleaned up, he didn’t.
Baby girl was born we stayed with my parents, he began to get possessive controlling and violent. I could not talk to a guy or stand close or I would get it. It went on while our baby was so young , I used to ask friends to stay with me so he would abuse me when we were alone. He would put a pillow over my head and hit me and said it wouldn’t leave a mark.
We went to visit his family property his dad was gone but mom and sisters where there, he trapped me there would not let me leave, the abuse was scary his family would not get involved as I believe they were also afraid. He gone to store and I had to do something, I had an old att phone that hooks up to telephone wires like company uses, I called my bff and her and my dad came and took me and my baby girl home. After that he was in and out of jail and only got out and made something of himself about six years ago.
I never received any child support as he would quit working once I filed. So I stopped tryin.
He wrote from jail and one thing I NEVER down talked him to my daughter out of respect for her, I lived in fear that his family would pay for him to get my baby away. However it was always about me in his head and never her. I didn’t want her to go tru trams like I have with him, he would do all he could to turn her on me.
Well at that point my will was made and I made sure if something happens to me she would not go to him.
We made it safe tru the years up until right after high school … she was rebelling and he just got out and was clean and had his own apartment I thought he could help (what was I thinking) dreaming I guess.
That back fired they ended up getting together, she saw him for money
She told him whatever it took to get money out of him and she knew that was one thing that I feared was them together and she played on it.
Since the first time she found it so easy to get money from him it went on like that till this day.
I felt hurt but thought he owed her the money and if I didn’t get it at least she is now.
Their relationship was on and off for years
she did always keep her guard up as I finally told her lil bits of what he is capable of for her own knowledge.(once she became 18 )
It was always on when she needed something or was upset with me.
Only on her terms

While my daughters dad in jail I ended up hooking up with our mutual friend he was much younger (5 years) I got pregnant
He was only 18! I was 23
Eight months pregnant needing something I call him as he stopped comin to see me, I understood we were young I had a kid and now pregnant.
He came to give me what I called for only to find a hickey on his neck. I smacked him all the way out of my house and that was the end for us.
He stopped comin over even after our son was born. He make promises and never show.
Dam strike two! Two deadbeats
I kept the same phone number my whole life to make sure I gave them an Ave to get a hold of their child, never mattered and still have that same number .
Our son was a teenager when I was contacted by his dad’s girlfriend asking if I would reunite them for his dads birthday. I agreed.
Since then things have been good , he stays in touch and there for us in a drop of a dime. Our son still doesn’t always call him dad but calls him by his first name.
He visits maybe six times a year and now has another child (boy) that our son has grown to love. They come over as a family and we all mingle it’s awesome.
However, things would have turned out differently if our son had a father in his life.
My son is my best friend, just like me in soo many ways. I tried to be both mom and dad for both kids and only did I know what it would be like now how that would effect my relationship with my kids