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Joined
Feb 22, 2023
Messages
18
Reaction score
11
Location
Bulgaria
I haven't been here to this site for a long time. You probably won't be bothered to read all of this, but I just have vent and get this out somehow. I haven't had anyone to talk to for months.

Just 3 years ago I was a completely different person. I didn't care much for my weight, or how I dressed, or my posture, or the way I talked and acted. Now I'm extremely self conscious about all of these things. I'm terrified of any kind of social interaction. I can't even ask for a pen in school. I've fallen into a deep depression and I don't find anything exciting anymore. I've been starving myself for so long it's gotten to the point where I'm losing a kilogram every day and I constantly feel lethargic and my brain is foggy. I can't focus too hard on anything and the past couple months I've made little to no progress with any of my projects in game development. I don't see hunger as my body screaming for sustenance, now it's like a headache that you just have to sit through until it goes away for a little bit. I haven't interacted with another human being for too long, not even online. I've deleted all my social media. Nobody even talks to me on there, and it always makes me feel worse than before I opened it. I've grown apart with my last friend 6 months ago.

I don't know if I should even say this, but on February 23rd I tried to take my life. I tried to eat what I thought was gonna be my last meal (a bowl of instant noodles) but I hardly touched it. Then I tried to poison myself with whatever random medicines were in the cabinet. I swallowed about 6 mouthfuls of pills until I physically couldn't any more and just sat there waiting for it to happen. The feeling of impending doom was terrifying and overwhelming. My heart started pounding. Not quickly, it was beating at a normal pace, just extremely hard. Like the poor sucker was trying it's best to keep on pumping. I didn't really have any other symptoms. After hours of trying I managed to get to sleep. It would have been easier to go while unconscious. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and slowly shambled to the toilet and threw up the 2 bites of instant noodles I had. It left an extremely bitter taste of chemicals in my mouth. My body must have had to concentrate as much of the drugs into what little food was in my stomach. If I didn't eat it it would have stayed in my system and I probably would have died. Honestly I wish I just kicked the bucket then and there, it would have made things much simpler. I'm really considering trying it again. I was sure the amount I had would have been enough but clearly it wasn't.

The only thing keeping me going now is this extreme diet I'm doing. With the intent of one day being at least somewhat conventionally attractive to be dateable. If not, at least I won't hate myself so much.
I don't want to sound like a ********* but I think I look handsome. At least my face does, but underneath my baggy clothes I'm skinnyfat. My body has an uneven distribution of fat from a decade's worth of sitting down at a screen. I hope that maybe once I reach a comfortable weight I can stop being a kissless virgin. I've been in a relationship once, but it lasted only a couple months because I was a selfish ******* idiot. When I was with her, I felt like she was taking too much time out of my life. And, well, looking back I guess she did. She was spending all day every day with me and I had little to no time for myself and my passion in game dev. So I started to distance myself from her more. I couldn't even break up with her properly, I just stopped talking to her at one point. I feel ******* horrible for it and I always wish I could go back in time and fix things. I was too spineless to try and set boundaries with her. I dream of her taking me back but there is just no chance. I'm sure she's taken by now anyway, with someone way better than me. I'm surprised I even got with her at all. She was really pretty and I was weird and ugly. I'm 100% sure I'll never find someone who doesn't care about how I look. That's why I'm trying to better myself. I am now at 63.4 kilos. Over a 10 kilo difference from last month, but barely any difference on my body.
 
So much to unpack here and I don't want to write a massive response for several reasons. Know this though - you need to go seek professional help. I don't know what it's like there in Bulgaria where you are, but you need to go see a general practitioner and get some advice and possibly a referral to a mental health professional. Why do I say this? Because I have been where you are, mental speaking. You are not in a good place. You are not thinking rationally. Go seek help now before you convince yourself into taking the ultimate decision for good. You CAN get through this. Many have gone through what you are experiencing and come out the other side. Believe me.
 
So much to unpack here and I don't want to write a massive response for several reasons. Know this though - you need to go seek professional help. I don't know what it's like there in Bulgaria where you are, but you need to go see a general practitioner and get some advice and possibly a referral to a mental health professional. Why do I say this? Because I have been where you are, mental speaking. You are not in a good place. You are not thinking rationally. Go seek help now before you convince yourself into taking the ultimate decision for good. You CAN get through this. Many have gone through what you are experiencing and come out the other side. Believe me.
In Bulgaria, if you're not living in the capital, getting any kind of mental help is impossible. I think because of both cultural and economic reasons. After all the country has been going to honeysuckle for the past 2 decades and the recent inflation has just been another shovel digging the grave.
But since exactly 12 days ago I am now living in the Netherlands. I know how seriously this country takes mental health in contrast to Bulgaria and I don't want to get admitted to a mental hospital or something. I am also scared to even talk to a doctor in the first place.

I know I'm not the only one going through this kind of thing, and that many get through it. That's what everybody says. It's just that I know I have a very grim future ahead of me. I've stopped caring about school and I'm failing everything, because why would I put myself through all the effort when I won't even be alive long enough to see the benefit of doing good in school. I know I'm gonna get a crappy job that I hate, maybe multiple, and live in an awful tiny apartment and hate my life even more. And I now have very little time before this will become a reality. So I'd much rather spare myself the trouble.
 
@usernamesarehard3009 i am hearing the words of an irrational person. You must face your fear and see a doctor. Your life can completely change for the better. If admission to a hospital for mental health is required, take it! I have seen the results first hand of mental health care when acted upon quickly. Save yourself, and save yourself a future of turmoil. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You have reached out here and well done you. I'm proud of you for putting your situation into words for us to read. Now we are advising you, from experience, what you need to do. Remember, you are NOT thinking rationally. Put yourself in a doctor's hands and get some help.
 
@usernamesarehard3009 i am hearing the words of an irrational person. You must face your fear and see a doctor. Your life can completely change for the better. If admission to a hospital for mental health is required, take it! I have seen the results first hand of mental health care when acted upon quickly. Save yourself, and save yourself a future of turmoil. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You have reached out here and well done you. I'm proud of you for putting your situation into words for us to read. Now we are advising you, from experience, what you need to do. Remember, you are NOT thinking rationally. Put yourself in a doctor's hands and get some help.
You're making me out to be some kind of crazy person. But I am thinking objectively. It would be better for me to not exist, and feel nothing, and think nothing forever, than face the absurd cruelty of modern life. I guess at the same time I would also finally find out what comes after death. Maybe it's not just nothingness. Maybe the christians were right, maybe the buddhists or muslims were right. Maybe nobody was right and it's something completely different. Who knows.
 
You are not crazy, you are just in a bad state of mental health. You don't want to admit that to yourself though. You don't want to entertain the idea that you have a mental health problem. I had, and still have to some degree, like so many on this forum, a mental health problem. That doesn't mean we're crazy. In fact, the word crazy is a bit offensive. Mental health can mean various things depending on what your condition is. You, my friend, are not coping well and making irrational statements and considering irrational thoughts based on how you feel at the moment, and I'm telling you that you don't need to feel like that and that a health professional can help you out of you situation. You can argue with me as much as you like, but I have been where you are, as many here have, and I no longer suffer the way I did. It's up to you to make the choice to change you situation for the better. Well, actually, the choice can be taken away from you in certain situations, so better that you seek help on your terms. Now it's up to you. Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a better life?
 
You are not crazy, you are just in a bad state of mental health. You don't want to admit that to yourself though. You don't want to entertain the idea that you have a mental health problem. I had, and still have to some degree, like so many on this forum, a mental health problem. That doesn't mean we're crazy. In fact, the word crazy is a bit offensive. Mental health can mean various things depending on what your condition is. You, my friend, are not coping well and making irrational statements and considering irrational thoughts based on how you feel at the moment, and I'm telling you that you don't need to feel like that and that a health professional can help you out of you situation. You can argue with me as much as you like, but I have been where you are, as many here have, and I no longer suffer the way I did. It's up to you to make the choice to change you situation for the better. Well, actually, the choice can be taken away from you in certain situations, so better that you seek help on your terms. Now it's up to you. Do you want to be right, or do you want to have a better life?
Well I have been thinking about getting a therapist again for a while. Last time we got nowhere. She was really young and must have just recently gotten the job or something, because she'd never try to ask me anything and would only do small talk with me for an hour. At one point I just stopped showing up.
I also always have a constant paranoid fear that someone is watching me and I never feel safe. Maybe they could do something about that too.
 
I haven't been here to this site for a long time. You probably won't be bothered to read all of this, but I just have vent and get this out somehow. I haven't had anyone to talk to for months.

Just 3 years ago I was a completely different person. I didn't care much for my weight, or how I dressed, or my posture, or the way I talked and acted. Now I'm extremely self conscious about all of these things. I'm terrified of any kind of social interaction. I can't even ask for a pen in school. I've fallen into a deep depression and I don't find anything exciting anymore. I've been starving myself for so long it's gotten to the point where I'm losing a kilogram every day and I constantly feel lethargic and my brain is foggy. I can't focus too hard on anything and the past couple months I've made little to no progress with any of my projects in game development. I don't see hunger as my body screaming for sustenance, now it's like a headache that you just have to sit through until it goes away for a little bit. I haven't interacted with another human being for too long, not even online. I've deleted all my social media. Nobody even talks to me on there, and it always makes me feel worse than before I opened it. I've grown apart with my last friend 6 months ago.

I don't know if I should even say this, but on February 23rd I tried to take my life. I tried to eat what I thought was gonna be my last meal (a bowl of instant noodles) but I hardly touched it. Then I tried to poison myself with whatever random medicines were in the cabinet. I swallowed about 6 mouthfuls of pills until I physically couldn't any more and just sat there waiting for it to happen. The feeling of impending doom was terrifying and overwhelming. My heart started pounding. Not quickly, it was beating at a normal pace, just extremely hard. Like the poor sucker was trying it's best to keep on pumping. I didn't really have any other symptoms. After hours of trying I managed to get to sleep. It would have been easier to go while unconscious. But then I woke up in the middle of the night and slowly shambled to the toilet and threw up the 2 bites of instant noodles I had. It left an extremely bitter taste of chemicals in my mouth. My body must have had to concentrate as much of the drugs into what little food was in my stomach. If I didn't eat it it would have stayed in my system and I probably would have died. Honestly I wish I just kicked the bucket then and there, it would have made things much simpler. I'm really considering trying it again. I was sure the amount I had would have been enough but clearly it wasn't.

The only thing keeping me going now is this extreme diet I'm doing. With the intent of one day being at least somewhat conventionally attractive to be dateable. If not, at least I won't hate myself so much.
I don't want to sound like a ********* but I think I look handsome. At least my face does, but underneath my baggy clothes I'm skinnyfat. My body has an uneven distribution of fat from a decade's worth of sitting down at a screen. I hope that maybe once I reach a comfortable weight I can stop being a kissless virgin. I've been in a relationship once, but it lasted only a couple months because I was a selfish ******* idiot. When I was with her, I felt like she was taking too much time out of my life. And, well, looking back I guess she did. She was spending all day every day with me and I had little to no time for myself and my passion in game dev. So I started to distance myself from her more. I couldn't even break up with her properly, I just stopped talking to her at one point. I feel ******* horrible for it and I always wish I could go back in time and fix things. I was too spineless to try and set boundaries with her. I dream of her taking me back but there is just no chance. I'm sure she's taken by now anyway, with someone way better than me. I'm surprised I even got with her at all. She was really pretty and I was weird and ugly. I'm 100% sure I'll never find someone who doesn't care about how I look. That's why I'm trying to better myself. I am now at 63.4 kilos. Over a 10 kilo difference from last month, but barely any difference on my body.
Oh no no, I am sorry you are going through this it sounds very intense and stressful. Truthfully the best way to lose weight and keep it off is to develop a strong relationship with food and exercise not avoiding food. Avoiding it leads to stretch marks and excessive loose skin and vitamin deficiencies.

Losing weight wont help you attract a partner without making sure you are healthy, both physically and mentally hun, I wish you luck on your journey to self discovery, to self acceptance, I know, deep down, you just want to love who you see in the mirror, and feel loved, this is what makes us human, you will achieve this if you go about it in a healthy way ✨
 
Well I have been thinking about getting a therapist again for a while. Last time we got nowhere. She was really young and must have just recently gotten the job or something, because she'd never try to ask me anything and would only do small talk with me for an hour. At one point I just stopped showing up.
I also always have a constant paranoid fear that someone is watching me and I never feel safe. Maybe they could do something about that too.
If you’re not happy with one, try another. I’ve had a mixed bag of therapists. Some are better than others, and some are better for you than others. Don’t be scared to take some medication they prescribe, but be prepared to note any side effects and adjust or change meds. Eventually like me you might totally ween off them and be good without them. Please seek that help though. You don’t need to suffer like you are.
 

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