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Wrong

Silent Hill
Joined
Nov 2, 2021
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Rather not say.
First off, I want you guys to know I am not trying to bait for sympathy or people trying to be like "stop no don't do it" etc and just please don't call the authorities.

Every time I get depressed I think about suicide, like, a lot. Its not even a cohesive thought really, just more of these flashes of me doing it and going ahead with it. The thoughts have been growing stronger and stronger every time the depressions return, which in my case is often. I get deeply depressed it just hits me every few months, then I go in to a manic stage, then i'm ok again for some time and then the cycle starts all over again. Its hard for me to talk about, hard for me to post here, but I keep getting more comfortable with it. I keep getting more tired, and I just don't know anymore.

I'm just sick of it all, and the fear of living is starting to exceed my fear of death.
 
I have always thought about suicide and had a few lame attempts. Ended up in hospital in 2009 and don't want to go through that embarrassment again.
I get really down and want the suffering to end, there's less and less to stick around for.
Fear of the future and a relatively precarious life situation fuel my dark thoughts so that suicide seems a sensible option.
I decided to revive my religious neuro pathways so that I can lean into spiritual life as a way of getting through dark times and that's working out so far.
Books are my pets, I always have a few more books I plan to read before I die.
It's a comfort to me that I'm 49 now, I'm over half way by a long shot.
 
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I have always thought about suicide and had a few lame attempts. Ended up in hospital in 2009 and don't want to go through that embarrassment again.
I get really down and want the suffering to end, there's less and less to stick around for.
Fear of the future and a relatively precarious life situation fuel my dark thoughts so that suicide seems a sensible option.
I decided to revive my religious neuro pathways so that I can lean into spiritual life as a way of getting through dark times and that's working out so far.
Books are my pets, I always have a few more books I'd planned to read before I die.
It's a comfort to me that I'm 49 now, I'm over half way by a long shot.

I get it. I'm 47, bout to turn 48 soon. Its like my whole life i just haven't been allowed to participate, in anything. Because some ******** will sooner or later ruin it for me. Even online, which for a while was my safe haven. Even my kids hate me while I stayed with their alcoholic mother for over 10 years just for their sake. I got a ***** for a mother who just brought me down my entire life telling me what a loser and nothing I am, and it stuck. I have no self-esteem, none what so ever. You take the most narcissistic person you've ever met and then make that contrary, those feelings about themselves, if you opposite that you got me. I'm sick of it all. Sick of being peoples punching bag, sick of being used till something better comes along, sick of it all. So for years now every day I just lock myself in my home, literally, and once a week I shop for groceries. I spend my days with my cats, and asides from here I don't even participate with any online community. I spend my days playing Red Dead Redemption until 2 am and then I go to bed to wake up around 3 pm or later to start the process all over again. I love my pets and that's it. I tried to be an artist all my life and despite my being **** good at that (no really, its the only thing i'm good at) I don't get a chance with that neither. I've had my 15 minutes of fame over 27 years ago and much like anything else in my life that turned to honeysuckle too.

Then you hear a therapist tell you "oh but you are doing a self fulfilling prophecy" oh really, pal? I've had people and life itself prove just how worthless and irrelevant I am, including my own mother, for almost 48 years. You hear of those people that everything they touch turns to gold, everything I touch turns to honeysuckle and ends up hating me. I had my doctor tell me to quit smoking some weeks ago and I just can't because deep down I wanna die.
 
I'd get back into your artwork once you're feeling better.
You learn to love the inner-child & spoil him whenever you can.
Go for a walk in the woods or along a river.

Break up the boring routine & promise yourself one good outing every week.

A museum or art gallery or concert....
Be grateful for your eyes, hands, legs....some people are worse off.
 
Honestly, I think about it all the time. It annoys me to the utter most, that it is not legal here. But, there isn't anyone who will care for my dog, so I am still here.
 
I joined a support forum for suicidal feelings. Its not the kind that gives you hints on how to do it, but more the kind where you can talk to other people who feel the same way without judgement. I'm happy to share the link with anyone who wants to join in PM
 
I'd get back into your artwork once you're feeling better.
You learn to love the inner-child & spoil him whenever you can.
Go for a walk in the woods or along a river.

Break up the boring routine & promise yourself one good outing every week.

A museum or art gallery or concert....
Be grateful for your eyes, hands, legs....some people are worse off.

People keep telling me that all the time, to like go outside more. I just, I never do it. Its like everything is too much, even just getting out of bed in the morning. But I get what you mean, I should do it. I will always go back to art, I would have checked out a long time ago if it wasn't for my art. Even though I hardly have any viewers for it, I still keep doing it.

Honestly, I think about it all the time. It annoys me to the utter most, that it is not legal here. But, there isn't anyone who will care for my dog, so I am still here.

I feel exactly the same way about my pets.

I joined a support forum for suicidal feelings. Its not the kind that gives you hints on how to do it, but more the kind where you can talk to other people who feel the same way without judgement. I'm happy to share the link with anyone who wants to join in PM

I will consider it. I'm not great with groups though, even posting here makes me nervous, afraid that someone is gonna be mean to me again.
 
I used to think about offing myself alot too. It seemed to make sense to me at the time. I was in a very miserable place for many years. I made very lame attempts at it as well. I also continually placed myself in very dangerous situations that if one thing went wrong I would surely die. But, I never did. I started thinking that maybe I'm not supposed to die yet.

Then I started thinking if I was going to kill myself what would stop me from doing it. Maybe I should just try to do those things and fresia everything else. fresia all my responsibilities. If I'm really willing to kill myself then do the things I want to do and let the chips fall where they may. If things don't work out then I could kill myself later. So, I started dumping off all the stressful things in my life. I continued for several years until I was all alone with nearly zero responsiblities and no more job. Now, I'm alone and sometimes lonely. I'm not a bundle of joy. But, I don't want to kill myself any more. Sometimes I actually enjoy life too now.

I guess I took action to change my life. Although at the time, I thought I was just giving up on different parts of my life. Are there things that you can change that will make you less depressed or less stressed? Dump them. Family obligations, dump them. You can go back later and pick them again or not. It doesn't matter. Do what you need to do now to feel better whatever it is. Maybe say F it and live in a park for awhile and paint. Maybe move into an artist community and paint there. Something.
 
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You could post your art on here. If you don't want to post on a general forum, you can do it in the private forum and invite the people you want.

I have a kind of depression (always forget the name of it). It's a low grade depression (always, never get out of it... it's been 20 years now) with episodes of major depressive disorder. Sometimes, the major hits because of life events; sometimes for no reason at all. My psychologist says I have to find beauty in something. She would like 3 things a day. But hey, when you are majorly depressed, even flowers have no value.

If you did art, it could be your beauty. If you post it, it could be someone else's beauty. I for one, would love to see it.

Just a thought.
 
I'm curious what happened with your art. That's often a great distraction and a good reason to get out of bed every day, but if that went into the toilet then that's too bad.

Unlike you, I didn't exactly have 15 minutes of fame, maybe more like 4 or 5, but I can't find consolation in it anymore, either. After some self-loathing, but otherwise rather normal and boring, teen years, I wanted to be a rock star. I learned to play guitar, to sing decently and began writing songs. A good friend and someone I knew from school formed a band and people told us that we "sounded pretty good." We started playing around our city, the crowds became larger and we opened for increasingly more popular bands.

Someone rather prominent in the local music scene told our drummer that "you guys are really getting a following." One of the bands we played with had signed with a major label and their bassist told us that we were "awesome" and that they wanted to work with us more. A few strangers even stopped me on the street and said that they had seen me perform and loved my band. We recorded an album, had a few interviews on the radio, an awesome and established engineer with a major radio station then volunteered to record us. He said he really loved our stuff and thought we had potential. "I've never heard anything like you guys," he told us, "you guys just need a lucky break." It was all pretty surreal.

Then the bassist decided to go to grad school (a good career move in his case) and the drummer began to just drift incomprehensibly, which led to the entire thing just dissolving before it was really able to get off of the ground. Who knows if it even would have really gone anywhere, so few bands do. At the time, I had difficultly continuing on without the support of my good friend who soon moved away, but I was happy to have the drummer out of my life. I over-reacted emotionally and, as an irresponsible coping mechanism, decided that music was a complete waste of time, a childish and moronic pursuit that only idiots would have anything to do with and I cursed off of it forever. In other words, I quit like a whining fool.

Sadly, I've never been able to get the passion for it back, though it completely engrossed about 5 to 6 years of my life. I miss it, but picking up a guitar today no longer moves me. It sits in my arms and I just go "meh" inside. On the extremely rare occasions when I do play, I find that I still can play well and I also still have 2 hours of material readily available in my head. Then I put it down again for 2 years or more. In retrospect, it was a very hard thing to lose, but mostly for emotional reasons.

Did you have a negative experience with art along similar lines?
 
Wrong, I have an alcoholic brother who won't quit smoking because he wants to die, as well as a severely depressed sister that's been talking suicide for years. Both have a lack of self worth, no purpose in life, and no hope for the future. It's obvious in the world today though that there are many people struggling with these shortfalls in life. For what it's worth, allow me to give a Christian perspective since no one else here has.

Our value as a person comes from being a special creation of God - not from parents, spouses, friends, bosses, coworkers, or social media. We all have it, but many don't go to the right source to understand or appreciate it. With this truth, it logically follows that we must have been created for a reason. Every single one of us matter to God and have a planned purpose for our lives. One can embrace God and that purpose, or reject it. But the former offers peace, love, joy, and hope for the eternal life to come while the latter yields anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and a death worth fearing.

While pets, hobbies, careers, and worldly pursuits make life more enjoyable, most of these things do not provide meaningful or lasting satisfaction. They're just temporary diversions to appease our feelings. Here's an outstanding sermon that I recommend for everyone, addressing our whole reason for living. It's a bit long 1.25 hour YouTube video but well worth watching.

 
Wrong, I have an alcoholic brother who won't quit smoking because he wants to die, as well as a severely depressed sister that's been talking suicide for years. Both have a lack of self worth, no purpose in life, and no hope for the future. It's obvious in the world today though that there are many people struggling with these shortfalls in life. For what it's worth, allow me to give a Christian perspective since no one else here has.

Our value as a person comes from being a special creation of God - not from parents, spouses, friends, bosses, coworkers, or social media. We all have it, but many don't go to the right source to understand or appreciate it. With this truth, it logically follows that we must have been created for a reason. Every single one of us matter to God and have a planned purpose for our lives. One can embrace God and that purpose, or reject it. But the former offers peace, love, joy, and hope for the eternal life to come while the latter yields anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and a death worth fearing.

While pets, hobbies, careers, and worldly pursuits make life more enjoyable, most of these things do not provide meaningful or lasting satisfaction. They're just temporary diversions to appease our feelings. Here's an outstanding sermon that I recommend for everyone, addressing our whole reason for living. It's a bit long 1.25 hour YouTube video but well worth watching.
I agree with a lot of that above and I'm generally OK with religion in general or others believing in a supreme being, so I'm not trying to be deliberately argumentative. But I think one can replace "God" with "Nature" above and have more or less the same result. As I've said elsewhere, I believe in Spinoza's God, or something akin to it, and that our "creation," or perhaps a better word for me is "emergence," provides a unique perspective on the world that can provide meaning, stability and a groundwork for ethics throughout our lives.

On the "planned purpose" and "eternal life" statements, I can offer nothing and I neither agree nor disagree with them because I wouldn't even know where to begin. They seem to just raise more questions than answers for me. But people can believe in them, that's fine, I'm not trying to stop anyone doing so.

And yes, I completely agree that people get too tied up in the fleeting and the short-term and forget about the more lasting things that matter.

Sadly, the religious people that I've known, at least those that adhere to some form of Christianity, including Protestantism and Catholicism, have been the most anxious, depressed and fearful people that I've known so far. They keep trying to live up to some ideal that seems forever out of reach. More than a few Catholic women I've known, I've married at least one Catholic, try desperately to live up to the Virgin Mary, which they obviously can't. Others can't deal with the inevitable moral clashes that occur in the world and they feel terrible about not being able to live up to these. I hope Christianity is addressing these issues, or at least helping people come to terms with these unrealistic expectations without dismissing them.

I also hope that Christianity becomes more Earth-centered and people-centered. We do need each other "down here" on Earth and religion should emphasize peaceful and meaningful relationships between people, not that "no value" can come from such things. That part of your statement I disagree with vehemently. There is no contradiction between a God, especially a loving God, and meaningful social connections between humans. Please don't de-emphasize these, but help people understand that they need each other and need to treat each other respectfully, whether they believe in God or not.

I know that you mean well and I bear you no ill-will whatsoever. I value you as a fellow human being with needs, desires and everything that humanity bestows on us. I respect your beliefs and your right to express them. We may not agree on all the points, but that makes life just a little more exciting.
 
The desire to suicide is also a hope that there is a life beyond death which might be better. It is not a renunciation of life. Suffering does not end with death. It will continue.

Suffering ends by turning within. It is possible. I have done it.
 
Just wanted to say that I can relate to everything you shared. From being afraid to participate because someone would ruin it for you, not being able to art and the suicidal thoughts. When I read what you posted it feels like I could have written it myself too. I use to work in an animation studio, long story short- depression and burnout followed and since then I simply stopped drawing and painting. Then about 3 years or so I started branching out from 2d art to 3d art by watching some tutorials on youtube and I found a bit of joy and satisfaction again.

As for suicidal thoughts, as much as it crosses my mind I also fear death at the same time. I don't know if there is an afterlife or reincarnation after that and I'm not counting on it. It may be final, game over and we're just worm food after that. Also hopefully I die only once because I got no plans of joining the undead. 🤪
dumb joke aside, I feel that as long as I'm still around I have a chance to make things a little better. As corny as this sounds you are not alone even though you may feel that way inside. Take care!
 

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