A Lonely Life Forums
Left an abusive relationship - Printable Version

+- A Lonely Life Forums (https://www.alonelylife.com)
+-- Forum: Issues (https://www.alonelylife.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=3)
+--- Forum: Relationships (https://www.alonelylife.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Thread: Left an abusive relationship (/showthread.php?tid=39056)

Left an abusive relationship - OverTheRainbow - 09-04-2018

Recently, I left a 5 year relationship. It ended abruptly one night through a series of events. He got charged with domestic violence for threatening to inflict harm. I have a safety order on him. 

It's almost been a month since I've seen him. His trial is in about a month. 

Throughout the 5 years, he has verbally and emotionally abused me. I am not so comfortable claiming physical abuse, because I haven't been beat. I was pushed, pulled, and cornered, but not beat. While I understand technically it is considered physical, I don't have the heart to place myself with people who've endured much more. 

I do believe severe physical abuse is just a matter of time, however, I miss him terribly. There are really good things about him, and there are really terrible things about him. Everyday I miss those good things. The cuddles, the constant 'I love yous' The holding hands. I feel completely awkward and out of place. I was isolated from my old friends and from making new friends. I have supportive family and seeing a counselor, but I am so lonely. 

I recently moved into my own apartment. Everything I buy to setup my new home feels like another step out of the relationship. I want to ball my eyes out everyday. 

I cannot express the pain and confusion I feel everyday, throughout the entire day... missing someone who was so mean and stressful to be around. I'm in so much pain, guys, honestly. 

Reading articles help. If you guys recommend any good reads on moving on or something... please share.

RE: Left an abusive relationship - Richard_39 - 09-05-2018

Even if abuse isn't physical, its still abuse. One of my previous girlfriends was 2 feet shorter than I am, yet when shed get pissed, she'd throw ashtrays, appliances or small furniture at me. That IS violence and should not he tolerated in any relationship.

Part of you never completely moves on. The apprehension that lingers in the face of potential relationship always remains, even if it isn't that intense. The trick is to remember that not all individuals are like that and to chose your future relationships carefully. And of course, if it goes to that place again, not to stick around any longer.

As akward as it is to say it, you should not miss someone undeserving to BE missed. But I know what you mean. The only trick to that is time, and reason.
Hope this helps.

RE: Left an abusive relationship - Tranquil - 09-05-2018

(09-04-2018, 02:34 AM)OverTheRainbow Wrote: ...The cuddles, the constant 'I love yous' The holding hands. I feel completely awkward and out of place. I was isolated from my old friends and from making new friends... I want to ball my eyes out everyday. 

... missing someone who was so mean and stressful to be around. I'm in so much pain, guys, honestly. 

Reading articles help. If you guys recommend any good reads on moving on or something... please share.

Thanks for sharing.

Yes it can be difficult to let go of an abusive relationship while you don't see, or remind yourself, of the abuse. 
Hope you will always view that past relationship as a whole. As a whole, it was unhealthy, and potentially lethal. 
The guy loses the plot, and when lost, anything can happen while totally under the control of their own ego - even murder and suicude.

Those that stay in such relationships often have an over belief in what they consider proof of love. Some will totally surrender to the words "I love you", as if they never heard it before. Most people, in any case, rely on being loved as proof of self-worth. And will often people-please to get that proof once again from their partner (co-dependency). Abusive relationships are extreme cases of such misunderstandings.

Hope you will learn to love the love within you. To not rely on external words and acts of love to feel okay. But on being loving instead of being loved. It is loving, where we feel the most love, for it fulfills our heart and soul. It's real and genuine. It does not rely on some story about 'proof of love'.

Hope your future journey towards relationships, with your self, and with others, will become non-abusive in any way.

RE: Left an abusive relationship - TheRealCallie - 09-05-2018

Don't count out the physical abuse. It happened. Regardless of what others have been through or are still going through, you were still abused. It still happened, and chances are, it still scarred you. Maybe not visibility, but I can bet it did.
Personally, I find emotional abuse to be worse than physical because those scars and bruises are MUCH harder to get over than physical ones. The body tends to heal faster than the mind, in most cases.

Don't focus on the good times, it will make it even harder for you to move on. I've been there and I know what it's like to not be in the relationship anymore. It took me a long time to get over what my ex did to me and when I first came here I was angry and pretty much attacked just about everyone, because being angry was easier than being hurt. I couldn't deal with that pain for a long time, so I used anger to mask it, to hide from it.
I know, I know, this isn't about me. lol Keep taking steps away from that relationship and cry when you need to. But, don't just sit at home and wallow in it all. That won't help you. You have the chance to start all over and make better choices, make your life better. Change what you don't like and trust in yourself. If you can't trust in yourself, trust that other people are there for you. Even if it's just random people inside a box sitting on your lap or the desk. You have support and you do not have to go through it alone.

If you ever want to talk, I'm around.

RE: Left an abusive relationship - Miriam1966 - 10-08-2018

I'm currently in a situation similar. He's emotionally and verbally abusive. He's pushed me, slammed doors in my face and actually said to me "well, I can't HIT you CAN I??" more like a question than a statement.

I can only speak for myself. I'm isolated, alone and he is the only other person in my life.

I've been so conditioned by his abuse and gaslighting that my self-esteem has hit an all-time low. I'm willing to tolerate the abuse because I know I just have to wait it out for the prince charming to show up and love bomb me. That's when I feel so much better. The one who caused so much pain can make all the pain go away.

I walk on eggshells...thinking, that if I'm a good little girl, he won't get angry and we'll be okay.

Does this sound familiar? This is why you are so upset. There is a hormone called oxytocin that is released when we women are feeling loved and comforted (also during childbirth and bonding). When our men abuse us, we are distraught. When they become the knight in shining armour, they coddle and care for us, causing the oxytocin release...making our bond stronger with them.

Sickening isn't it?

That could be why you are suffering so much. It's a healing process...like drug addiction.

And of course I've learned all of this...and I'm STILL with him. I'm just afraid. I applaud you for doing what I cannot do.