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What is wrong with me
#1
Something is majorly NOT OKAY with me. I’m a pathetic person—a pathetic man. I’m a loser with no job, no money, no consequence, living with my parents, and I sit and do nothing all day. I dream of a day soon when I will get up and get the ball rolling, but that day never comes. Every day is the same routine. I waste every day sitting in my detached house on my parent’s property fidgeting on my phone watching videos, posting bs, going out to get a sub once a day, and doing nothing, and I’m 29. 

I look at guys 8-10 years younger than me with their act together, being go-getters, influencers, achievers, and I always see myself as that in some fantasy daydream when I’m sitting around doing nothing at home. I always thought I was not like a lot of the losers I’ve seen throughout my life, but alas, I’m a loser compared to even them now. I’m basically a junkie in every way minus the drug addiction. Junkies are higher functioning and more productive than I am.

I have absolutely no energy. No charisma. No drive. No fire under my ass. My 74 year old father is still out there working, has immense energy, and completely makes a fool out of me. 

I can only say wow, how did I get this way? I know the answer is probably severe depression, which I most certainly have. But I guess on the deeper level it must mean I’m a defective human being due to the fact that I’m susceptible to this kind of depression and self-destruction. It is undoubtedly genetic.

I look for literally EVERY reason to hate myself and destroy myself. My mentality is “if that’s the way life wants it, then I’ll make sure that’s how it has it!” In other words, I intentionally destroy myself out of spite.

I’m completely blocked mentally from helping myself, because I’ve grown so disgusted and bitter that I don’t want happiness. I want things to go bad. I don’t want success or happiness now. It’s too late. I’m too old. It doesn’t mean anything now. Getting your life together at 30? Wow! That’s a smart cookie and over-achiever right there! Nothing can get off the ground when you’re 30. You’re too old. Your window has passed. 

I think about suicide every day. I increasingly feel more prone to doing it. What reason is there to be alive? I know some will say “well maybe you can’t become the best at age 30, but you can still make your life better than it was before.”

Nuh uh. That’s fucking mediocrity, and it’s nothing to strive for. I would rather go ahead and die than to “reinvent myself” into some better version of myself that is still mediocre. I’ve already tarnished my reputation. Everybody knows me as a lazy loser, and I’ll never live that down as long as I live. That is the image that forever rings synonymous with me in everyone’s minds when my name is mentioned, kind of like how 9/11 is the first thought people get when Bin Laden is mentioned.

I’ve got no future, and my life was a total waste. If you’re a teen or early 20 something reading this. Heed my advice. DON’T BE ME!!!

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Messages In This Thread
What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-15-2020, 02:26 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by lookatbrightside - 02-15-2020, 03:52 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by MissBehave - 02-15-2020, 06:14 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-15-2020, 09:39 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Sci-Fi - 02-15-2020, 10:04 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-15-2020, 10:10 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by TheRealCallie - 02-15-2020, 10:22 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by lookatbrightside - 02-15-2020, 10:18 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Yeti1980 - 02-15-2020, 10:36 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-15-2020, 10:41 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-15-2020, 11:40 PM
RE: What is wrong with me - by TheRealCallie - 02-16-2020, 12:02 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Yeti1980 - 02-16-2020, 01:01 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by MissBehave - 02-16-2020, 01:58 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-16-2020, 03:28 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by TheRealCallie - 02-16-2020, 03:39 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-16-2020, 03:50 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Rodent - 02-16-2020, 04:13 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-16-2020, 05:28 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by MissBehave - 02-16-2020, 05:55 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by ITellYouHhwut - 02-16-2020, 07:45 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Finished - 03-26-2020, 02:51 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by Livebreathesmile - 03-26-2020, 06:04 AM
RE: What is wrong with me - by fract-r - 04-08-2020, 07:32 AM

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