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How do you manage suicidal thoughts when you know you're not allowed to do it?
#1
I've had this problem unevenly in my life, but accutely in the last two years. Intensely since the 28 of december. I no longer enjoy life. I've reached the limit on how much suffering I can endure. The last few days have been crying bouts and the shakes coming back. I want to end it all. But I'm not allowed to. I cant do that to my family, which still loves me for some unfathomable reason. And Im scared of there being nothing on the other side. Not to mention the pain. All of which only makes it worse.

How can you continue living like this? How do you force yourself to get better when all you feel is hopelessness, pain and an urge to have it all end?
#2
Well ... this is defintely one of the more difficult topics.

I can certainly relate to a felling of intense pain making you miserable. In my case it's the heart that ever since I was 9yo likes to paralyze me for a couple of minutes, making it very difficult to breathe and feeling like someone's using it as a pincushion in the meantime. And over the past few years it's been coming up more and more frequently. But hey, the doctor said I'm completely healthy, so what do I know.

So let me start with the most helpful advice (I assume it's the most helpful, because that seems to be the only thing you'll ever hear): don't worry, it'll get better.
And there you have it, your problems have been solved.

Now, the thing that worked for me at the time was meditation. Positive thinking isn't a thing when you're feeling like you've been ran over by a car, so I was aiming for something else - not thinking of anything. And it really did help. Whenever things got dark, instead of trying to "debate" myself, I'd just try to shut down.

I mean ... in the end, the only thing one can do is to grit one's teeth and keep moving forward. Easier said than done.
Crowd control situation! *machine gun fire intensifies*
#3
You've felt this way before, right? And it got better, the thoughts passed, you enjoyed things again? Don't lie, I know you have. That's how you deal with it. By knowing that it WILL pass. Yeah, you're in a rut right now and things are bad, but you will find your way out.

You (and anyone else feeling this way) will find a way to continue on because that's what we do. We find a way. You are stronger than you think and if you don't believe that, believe that other people believe that.

Oh and if you need to talk, you know you can always PM me. Whether it's here or in chat.
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#4
Allowed...?
I get what you're saying it's just an interesting way to phrase it.

I haven't heard that much about your situation, but maybe you need a break from everything. Take the weight off your shoulders for a little bit. Is there something you used to enjoy? Golfing, fishing, maybe just going to see a movie. I'm not suggesting it will help with everything, but just to take the pressure off for a little while.

As far as suicidal thoughts, I've been there and what helped me "grit my teeth and keep moving forward" was the saying "This too shall pass." It might sound empty with how you're feeling... But it might be comforting to remember that nothing is permanent.

Also, don't "force yourself to get better." Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. I get you want to hurry up and get past this for your family, but that feeling might end up backfiring on you. When you can't "shake it" as quickly as you'd like, then you might end up feeling bad or guilty for feeling bad... Don't get stuck in that loop.
#5
I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. They have always been there. Some days those thoughts seems to take up all the space in my mind to the point I stop to function, on other days they buzz around in the background.
I think the solution for me was to turn cold and to try and stop feeling. It wasn’t something I was trying to achieve, it just happened. I started to swallow everything. If I felt bad I just forced myself to function, I never gave myself a choice to sit down and feel myself or to talk about it, not that anyone was interested in listening anyways. After a while it started to work. I had less and less days where I felt this crippling desire to jump. However, it did come with a price. Having days and days where you don’t feel the bad but also miss alot of the good stuff too. There are probably several more problems this solution have, but it’s hard for me to separate that from the fracture of my own self. 
I still got these awful days where I’m so down and out it gets dangerous but it’s a whole lot better than having them every day. Life isn’t good at all it’s just more manageable.

The standard line I get told, that my problems somehow will pass and il feel so much better, I just need to give it time; that fucking sucks. It’s the worst bullshit ever. I think that for some it does change and get better but for a whole lot of other people it always stays the same. Some hurts never leave, they stay forever and keep poisoning you until you die. It doesn’t always work to heal your heart and soul.


I hope it gets better for you.  ❤️
#6
(01-09-2019, 04:46 AM)Jessicat Wrote: I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid. They have always been there. Some days those thoughts seems to take up all the space in my mind to the point I stop to function, on other days they buzz around in the background.
I think the solution for me was to turn cold and to try and stop feeling. It wasn’t something I was trying to achieve, it just happened. I started to swallow everything. If I felt bad I just forced myself to function, I never gave myself a choice to sit down and feel myself or to talk about it, not that anyone was interested in listening anyways. After a while it started to work. I had less and less days where I felt this crippling desire to jump. However, it did come with a price. Having days and days where you don’t feel the bad but also miss alot of the good stuff too. There are probably several more problems this solution have, but it’s hard for me to separate that from the fracture of my own self. 
I still got these awful days where I’m so down and out it gets dangerous but it’s a whole lot better than having them every day. Life isn’t good at all it’s just more manageable.

The standard line I get told, that my problems somehow will pass and il feel so much better, I just need to give it time; that fucking sucks. It’s the worst bullshit ever. I think that for some it does change and get better but for a whole lot of other people it always stays the same. Some hurts never leave, they stay forever and keep poisoning you until you die. It doesn’t always work to heal your heart and soul.


I hope it gets better for you.  ❤️

This is a lot of how I feel. Some things just hurt you too deeply for them to ever go away. As much as I tried to not feel anymore, I'm naive enough to allow it still and get burned. It would be comical if it wasnt so pathetic. I've been waiting long time for things to get better and they never stay that way. Not for long. Which makes me think I'm the problem, not the solution...
#7
That's because life is not all sunshine and rainbows. Shit happens. You can get through it, you're just too depressed right now to see it.
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#8
(01-09-2019, 05:28 AM)TheRealCallie Wrote: That's because life is not all sunshine and rainbows.  Shit happens.  You can get through it, you're just too depressed right now to see it.

Yes and no. You're not wrong, but you're also not right. Everyone comes with a bullshit meter and eventually, it pops. We're not supermen and women. Not anymore.
#9
I don't think anyone was suggesting the problem itself would just go away. Just the feelings surrounding it would lessen or pass over time. Obviously if you're sad because your dog died... all the time in the world isn't going to bring that dog back to life. But time will help you get used to dealing with life without your dog.

Turning numb is one option. I've tried it, didn't work for me. I have had periods of depression since I was a kid, too. Some shit does stick with you your whole life, some shit gets easier to deal with. I turned 38 a few months ago, I'm still dealing with BS issues that started when I was a kid. I may never get past them completely, but it gets a little easier everyday, because I'm finally dealing with it. When I have negative thoughts about the past, I try to remember that's not my reality anymore. If it's about a person, I remind myself I forgave them, (easy to forgive, much harder to forget). If it's about my own guilt, I acknowledge it and I remind myself I'm human and mistakes happen. When it's just a random thought like that it's not so hard to knock out. You're never going to feel 100% happy. Everyone has pain. Time can help you allow that pain to pass or it can allow you to keep dwelling on BS that happened decades ago, it's ultimately your choice.
#10
I guess. Ill consider it next week when I'm wondering what to eat. Unless this job interview to orrow pans out, which I totally do not want to work at but will, because I'm not allowed by law to not pay child support, or by ego, because I'm supposed to provide the government with welfare. for my...I mean support my family.
Put a big smile yonder and tell everyone how client satisfaction is my passion. Not mentionning I been eating a meal a day for about a decade. Or that it hurts everytime I do eat because 3/4 of my mouth is rotted of. Of course, I could go to the dentist, right? Xcept that 600 a month would be the difference maker and it isnt there. So on to the joys of kraft dinner at 39, by myself, because god forbid anyone but my mom take 2 seconds to call in the age of texting. Which takes longer than speaking, funny stuff. All that to know that a guy I sent to 5 1/2 years in a federal pen will be able to make unsupervised visits out next month. Time enough to track my kids and my ex who refused to move despite my protests. Yeah. Life has been a real enjoyement. I'm sure it'll pass and I won't feel sad about any of this in 2 years when nothings changed.

I'm sorry if this sounds gloomy and detached as all hell, but the truth of all our realities make it such that some people are more shafted than others and not all of us are evenly equipped to deal with it. I'm a well oiled machine who was trained to walk in fire if necessary and I will, but there is little left that's much cozy and human inside after all of this. Certainly not much love and wonderment of life. Wish it were different, I truly do. But I doubt very much that evil biatch is done with me yet. Hence the "not allowed". Duty and obligation prevents an easy way out, but an easy way out is all I want anymore. I'm tired.


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