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shells

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(Not expecting replies or anything. Vent thread.)

I'm not really sure what to do with my thoughts anymore. Actually, I don't even know what to do with my life.

I miss my mom so much. If you've read my past threads, it sounds like I am a broken record. There are just so many things that I need her here for. It seems selfish of me. She was so sick and she's not suffering anymore. I just don't know what I deserved to find my mother dead on Thanksgiving morning at sixteen years old. I don't know what I did to have everything fall apart. I tried so hard to help her -- checking on her every night, making sure her blood sugar was stable, having so many close calls with 9-1-1... I failed her.

It all seems so unfucking real.

No mom. Sick, perverse, and psychotic piece of work for a father. Grandmother that puts me down every-single-****-day.

And my boyfriend has his own mental issues to worry about. He's made it pretty clear that "something is always wrong with me" i.e. I complain too much. I confided in him because I really don't have anyone else. But now, I feel like I need to shut myself down just so people can tolerate being around me.

It's not working. The panic attacks, anxiety, emotional outbursts, crying... Everything that I've buried for the past two and a half years is just destroying me inside.

My eating disorder has been my crutch for the past seven years, since I was twelve. It made me feel like I had control over something in my life. Now, all it does is control me. It's caused so much damage to my body, and at the same time, there is a voice inside my head that says I deserve it. It says I'm worthless, disgusting, and ugly.

Pair that mentality with my grandma constantly putting me down, and it's no wonder I think about suicide.

I wish I could just sleep days away like I used to. It used to make everything go by so much faster. I can't even enjoy that anymore because for some reason, my body says "Nope! No sleeps for you!"

Ugh.
 
:( Not much I can say that will help, but I just wanted to send you a (((((BIG HUG))))). Really glad you're able to vent here - much better than keeping it all bottled up inside. PM me any time (or find me on Yahoo messenger) if you need someone to chat to.
 
(((((shells))))) I know there are no magic words to take what you are feeling away.... I wish there was something I could do to make things bright again.

You did nothing to deserve what happened in your life.... none of this is your fault. You didn't fail your mom, she was sick. I lost my mom when i was young as well, and eerily, also on Thanksgiving of 1988. I know how you feel, i know how hard it is. Though for me its been over 20 years... I still think of her everyday.

I will not preach to you, but just suggest that if you are not seeking help for your eating disorder, I hope that you will. You can beat this. You ARE a beautiful, sweet, intelligent person and deserve all the best life has to offer.

Please keep venting here, please keep reaching out. We are here for you.
Hugs to you.
 
I also have no words that could make things better.
As Danielle said, you did not fail your mother.
Your Grandmother's criticisms are a reflection on her, not you.

2lktenp.jpg
 
Aww, cute picture.

Shells, don't feel like you failed your mom. There was nothing you could have done. Nothing anyone could have done. It was her time to go. My mom is sick as well, and I realize there's nothing anyone can do. When it's her time, it can't be stopped.

You really are an awesome person. I hope you feel better, if only for one day. *hugs*
 

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