S
shells
Guest
(Not expecting replies or anything. Vent thread.)
I'm not really sure what to do with my thoughts anymore. Actually, I don't even know what to do with my life.
I miss my mom so much. If you've read my past threads, it sounds like I am a broken record. There are just so many things that I need her here for. It seems selfish of me. She was so sick and she's not suffering anymore. I just don't know what I deserved to find my mother dead on Thanksgiving morning at sixteen years old. I don't know what I did to have everything fall apart. I tried so hard to help her -- checking on her every night, making sure her blood sugar was stable, having so many close calls with 9-1-1... I failed her.
It all seems so unfucking real.
No mom. Sick, perverse, and psychotic piece of work for a father. Grandmother that puts me down every-single-****-day.
And my boyfriend has his own mental issues to worry about. He's made it pretty clear that "something is always wrong with me" i.e. I complain too much. I confided in him because I really don't have anyone else. But now, I feel like I need to shut myself down just so people can tolerate being around me.
It's not working. The panic attacks, anxiety, emotional outbursts, crying... Everything that I've buried for the past two and a half years is just destroying me inside.
My eating disorder has been my crutch for the past seven years, since I was twelve. It made me feel like I had control over something in my life. Now, all it does is control me. It's caused so much damage to my body, and at the same time, there is a voice inside my head that says I deserve it. It says I'm worthless, disgusting, and ugly.
Pair that mentality with my grandma constantly putting me down, and it's no wonder I think about suicide.
I wish I could just sleep days away like I used to. It used to make everything go by so much faster. I can't even enjoy that anymore because for some reason, my body says "Nope! No sleeps for you!"
Ugh.
I'm not really sure what to do with my thoughts anymore. Actually, I don't even know what to do with my life.
I miss my mom so much. If you've read my past threads, it sounds like I am a broken record. There are just so many things that I need her here for. It seems selfish of me. She was so sick and she's not suffering anymore. I just don't know what I deserved to find my mother dead on Thanksgiving morning at sixteen years old. I don't know what I did to have everything fall apart. I tried so hard to help her -- checking on her every night, making sure her blood sugar was stable, having so many close calls with 9-1-1... I failed her.
It all seems so unfucking real.
No mom. Sick, perverse, and psychotic piece of work for a father. Grandmother that puts me down every-single-****-day.
And my boyfriend has his own mental issues to worry about. He's made it pretty clear that "something is always wrong with me" i.e. I complain too much. I confided in him because I really don't have anyone else. But now, I feel like I need to shut myself down just so people can tolerate being around me.
It's not working. The panic attacks, anxiety, emotional outbursts, crying... Everything that I've buried for the past two and a half years is just destroying me inside.
My eating disorder has been my crutch for the past seven years, since I was twelve. It made me feel like I had control over something in my life. Now, all it does is control me. It's caused so much damage to my body, and at the same time, there is a voice inside my head that says I deserve it. It says I'm worthless, disgusting, and ugly.
Pair that mentality with my grandma constantly putting me down, and it's no wonder I think about suicide.
I wish I could just sleep days away like I used to. It used to make everything go by so much faster. I can't even enjoy that anymore because for some reason, my body says "Nope! No sleeps for you!"
Ugh.