Just expressing my feelings... if you can help please do..

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Aksentije

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I have written threads before, and this one is kind of my current state, i think it would just make me feel better if i just tell my problems to someone...


I am 16 years old, and i really dont have a lot of friends... actually i dont have any good friends, just people that i talk to at school.
When im at school i have to pretend to be something that im not, and that really makes me feel really sad. I try to make my life a laugh i mean i try to be happy as much as i can but....
i cant fight it anymore. No matter how much i try i always end up being sad and lonely. The only close person that i talk to regularly is my mother, and shes got a lot of things on her mind so i dont wanna trouble her with all that.
She has no idea how i really feel and i really dont want her too, because im afraid that that will make her sad too.

I havent been feeling so sad lately, but then the school finished...
I was at the bus station one day in the last week of school, and i looked around, and i saw couples kissing and friends having fun talking an stuff like that. And there i was just standing aside... alone.... and thats what its like for me every day. Im alone... i really dont know what would i do without my mother because she is really my light in this world, i wish her all the best...i have brothers and they have a good social life... or so they say.... so i got to bed everyday and i just lie there and think... why cant i have a social life, and why do people reject me so easily... sometimes im so sad i wanna start crying but still... i have never went out with friends in the evening, because no one ever invites me or wants my company.
Im really annoyed that people that have everything such as good looks and friends and girlfriends... and they are angry constantly... i wish i had their life just for a day. Just for a day i would like to know what it feels like to be loved by someone... and to love someone back.
I cant stand it anymore. It is painfull...
I saw this video of justin bieber... the song i need somebody to love...
first of all just because of the title i would like to go and kill him...
and second i saw the video and it made me reaaaaly sad. I taught to myself... he is so young an yet so succsessfull, and what am i?
I even got more sad when i learned that he was the same age as i am.

i dont know anymore, i feel very sad, depressed almost. I sleep too much, because i want to go inside my own world where im safe and where there is everything i desire. or i hope it to be...
I dont want to feel like this anymore, i just want it to stop, i want to be happy. I realise that i have more than some other people, but still...
i feel very very sad. My brothers are in a different country, because of their college, and my mother is busy so she is really not home a lot...
So mostly im alone. I find my life pethetic, becuase i only play this online game on the internet, and i do some main functions in the entire day.
And when im not doing that, i have to go help with land work since i live in a village...
Im tired of this life... sometimes i think it would be just easy to end it all, just sooo easy to take the shorter path, and skip the whole life of searching for a person that will never come, and other things... other things... But i wouldnt do that, because i dont want to make my mother and my family sad... I care more about them then i do for myslef... and no matter how much they annoy me or what ever they do to me i wish them the best... Every night i pray to God and i first ask him to protect my family and everyone who matters to me, and to them... only sometimes i ask for my own health and well being, because for me they are on the first place... ive been thinking, if i die, who will cry for me other than my family... everyone would say oh my god thats a shame, but none would cry.... im not going to kill my self or anything, its just how i feel...
And i think that, if you feel sad the best thing is to just let it all out... it works for me because when i cry out i really dont feel sad for days...
I guess its better that way than to keep it all bubbled up inside...
 
I feel many of the same things that you do.

Aksentije said:
i have to pretend to be something that im not, and that really makes me feel really sad. I try to make my life a laugh i mean i try to be happy as much as i can but....

When I'm feeling lonely and depressed inside, I'm quite successful at hiding those feelings and presenting a false cheerful appearance to others. It's a difficult thing to do, but I don't want them asking me, "Why are you looking depressed?" I don't want to infect anyone else with my unhappiness.

Aksentije said:
The only close person that i talk to regularly is my mother, and shes got a lot of things on her mind so i dont wanna trouble her with all that.
She has no idea how i really feel and i really dont want her too, because im afraid that that will make her sad too.

I'm exactly the same. I'm very close to my mum, and I chat a lot with her, but I never tell her about my loneliness, because (like you) I don't want her to be sad for me.

Aksentije said:
i really dont know what would i do without my mother because she is really my light in this world, i wish her all the best...

I'm really glad you're so close to your mum - it's a very special relationship.

Aksentije said:
i have brothers and they have a good social life... or so they say.... so i got to bed everyday and i just lie there and think... why cant i have a social life, and why do people reject me so easily... sometimes im so sad i wanna start crying but still... i have never went out with friends in the evening, because no one ever invites me or wants my company.

When I was at university, I never got invited to parties. I never found out about them until after they happened. It was like everyone was keeping them secret from me! I was invited to one proper party while I was at uni, and it was so wonderful, just how I always imagined student parties to be. Hundreds of people packed into a few small rooms, lots of noise, music, food, drink, happiness. I was just so grateful to the person who invited me. But... one party in three years... not exactly a wild social life!

Aksentije said:
And i think that, if you feel sad the best thing is to just let it all out... it works for me because when i cry out i really dont feel sad for days...
I guess its better that way than to keep it all bubbled up inside...

Definitely. You only make things worse if you bottle it all up. A few years ago, when things were really bad for me, I used to go and sit on an isolated bench in a park at night, where no-one would see or hear me, and just cry and cry until I couldn't cry any more. I would feel a lot better after that. So, make sure you regularly let it all out, whether that means crying or posting your feelings here. We're always here for you
smallsmile.gif
 
Aksentije, that is exactly how I felt in high school, and in a lot of ways how I feel now. However, things will get better after high school. If you plan on going on to college, you'll have a much more diverse population to work from. Even though it is still hard to meet people, if you make the effort you can find others who share the same interests as you. I'm not popular and never have been, but I managed to find some friends in college who I really connect with and who I'm so grateful for. Of course, we're done with school now so they will probably leave me and find their own lives, but I value the short time of happiness that I had.

And QuietGuy, I too have never really been invited to a party; just the occasional get-together if I'm lucky. It is usually just the same couple of people who invite me because they feel bad that I am always left out. This summer, for the first time, I've actually been invited to things because all the "cool" people have gone off and there's just me left. It's absolutely wonderful--I can't imagine how amazing it must have been to have experienced this all four years. ****, some people just don't know how lucky they are!
 
Hey, I'm new here but I've read some of the stuff and actually took the time to read this one...so I guess I'll give you my input? o.o;;
I'm 16 also, and I feel kinda like you do with the having to act like something I'm not. I do it all the time >.<!!! It sucks hard when you feel like you're not needed, or that nobody wants you, I feel like that too. I don't know what to say to that, or how to fix it. I'm not really one to talk about my problems, I don't like to impose them on others. :\ but I wish you the best.
 
futurecatlady said:
college, you'll have a much more diverse population to work from. Even though it is still hard to meet people, if you make the effort you can find others who share the saDamn, some people just don't know how lucky they are!
I 100% agree with you on that one ^^ and tnx for the reply

Wow thanks so much for the reply, it really made me feel better ^^
I sort of taught i was the only one who felt this way...

Well i plan on to go to college, but i hope that it wont be the same as the high school because, when i was in elementary school i felt really sad and i told myself it will be better in high school, but when i got there i found out that it is almost the same as elementary.. i hope it wont be the same in college...
 

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