I still love my parents... but I just have to write this

I wasn't sure if I should put this post in 'loneliness' section or in 'general'. I don't feel extremely lonely about this thought but I have to admit that I am saddened by it.

Last school break I went home to my parent's house. I had a great time but I got to realize how long I have been gone and how massively I have changed over the years of being apart from them. Being Asian and Christian (I'm not generalizing) I grew up in a well-sheltered and values-instilled surrounding. Living alone I've wandered and thought of things beyond the values and learnings my parents and religion have brought me up with. I am not throwing away the things I grew up believing but I am making new principles for myself, new beliefs, new ideology. It's part of having a life for yourself and part of growing up. But my parents felt that I was growing apart and drifting away from them. I feel sad about it because I've always thought they trust me completely and know me better than anyone else to know that I will always try to make a good life for myself, keeping my principles in mind and the things I stand for. I've learned my mistakes and I think so did my parents. All is ok at the moment. But right now, I feel like I'm being choked with their beliefs and their expectations from me. I think part of being a good parent is the ability to give your children the right to make mistakes and learn from it. To explore on their own and make their own principles in life. Also, to have the right to fight for what they believe in. I know my parents will always want the best for me and I know they're doing what they think is right. I still wouldn't trade them for anything but I don't think they are giving me those rights. Now I have to choose between being a good daughter or fight for my own beliefs (the later will surely hurt them)

Parents have a hard time letting go and understanding their kids aren't mini clones of themselves. Letting your kids grow beyond yourself is a growing up experience for parents. It will upset them for a while, but they will get over it once they realize you're being mature and standing up for what you believe.

Well said, tehdreamer.

chrism said:

Living alone I've wandered and thought of things beyond the values and learnings my parents and religion have brought me up with. I am not throwing away the things I grew up believing but I am making new principles for myself, new beliefs, new ideology. It's part of having a life for yourself and part of growing up.

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I'm very glad to hear that you're going through this process - it's extremely important.

chrism said:

I think part of being a good parent is the ability to give your children the right to make mistakes and learn from it. To explore on their own and make their own principles in life. Also, to have the right to fight for what they believe in.

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Absolutely.

chrism said:

Now I have to choose between being a good daughter or fight for my own beliefs (the later will surely hurt them)

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Fighting for your own beliefs does not make you a bad daughter! As tehdreamer says, it means you're being mature, and growing up into an independent adult. Independence does not always come easily, for parents or for children. But it's absolutely vital.

Like you, I also began to feel choked by some of my parents' beliefs, and as a result, some of my beliefs slowly drifted apart from theirs. I feel much happier now that I'm free to form my own beliefs, even though I know they would somewhat upset my parents. I still love my parents a lot, but I feel much stronger now in my individuality.

Maybe it's because she's sick, but my mom has a difficult time understanding that I don't want exactly what she does. For example, she tends to think I always want the same exact food as she does, and half the time I don't want anything. And she gets upset like I'm betraying her in a sense. But then I realize, it's not that important, and I let her think what she wants to. More serious issues we tend to argue and butt heads. She never really listened to me, and I was never able to really talk to her. I've always kind of felt smothered by her ways, but she didn't take the time to care.

My dad wants me to be exactly like him, and most of the time he simply assumes that I am. It is annoying...but I choose to, for the most part, let it slide. My dad never had great role models when he was troubled and young; how is he supposed to know how being a father works? That realization alone has saved me from hating him on several occasions. When talking to him these days I simply do my best to avoid the war-torn battleground conversations and stick to subjects which we both have in common.

It's OK with me if he dies thinking that I'm more like him than I am. What does it harm me, unless he actually interferes into my personal affairs? And if he attempts that, then I won't hesitate to tell him to step back.

I think that's an important part of becoming your own person; realizing that you can, indeed, tell your parents to leave you alone. Some parents will have to be forced to back the fresia off, some will understand and step back willingly. But it's still important to actually take that final step to let them know that you are no longer under their wings. If you never actually take that plunge into the deep, then you'll be forty and still have mommy calling to see if you washed your undies this week.

As far as my mom... well, I've never really had any problems with her (yeah, yeah, you Freudians can shove it), aside from her not being able to keep secrets.

Badjedidude said:

As far as my mom... well, I've never really had any problems with her (yeah, yeah, you Freudians can shove it), aside from her not being able to keep secrets.

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On a subconscious level maybe this has affected you. How does it make you feel knowing your mom is out there telling every one that is willing to listen about your deepest, darkest secrets? Do you toss and turn in bed, secretly plotting a move against her?

You have only one life to live, and that life is YOURS.

For the longest time, I was constantly worried and stressed over betraying the traditional Chinese values my family instilled in me.
Not only are they conservative, but extremely over-protective also.

However, there are definite positives with Asian values; such as strong emphasis put on education, good work ethics, family etc. Perhaps your family means well, but they may not fully understand the type of impact that they are having on you. What I found to work is to simply pick and choose the values that mean the most to you, and to also start exploring around on your own.

I'm exploring around a bit and to be frank...I'm a little lost.
But sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself.

(I don't know if that made sense to you, but I'm not too sure on how to express what I mean...o_o)

when his friends asked him how he let his girls leave home to go to college, and there fore be exposed to outside infuences, my grandfather always said this
" when your roots are strong and well set, you can walk through the hottest of infernos and not get burned"

maybe you can tell your folks this, see what they say.

oarivan said:

On a subconscious level maybe this has affected you. How does it make you feel knowing your mom is out there telling every one that is willing to listen about your deepest, darkest secrets? Do you toss and turn in bed, secretly plotting a move against her?

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OMG OMG OMG... how did you guess?

I have spent many a night wishing I could announce boldly to Congress that my mother was a danger to The Union.

Her sick ways endanger us all. (no)