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Pebblette

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Hard to comprehend being lonely when one is married. I mean, I have someone to share my life with, right? Someone to keep me company, but he is the overwhelming reason for my loneliness, but not the primary reason because I have felt lonely most of my life. I’ve read that a lot and not to be condescending, but at 21, that almost seems laughable. Wait until you’re 37, but I felt lonely at 21, too :).

Last night, I wrote and rewrote what I was going to say but scrapped it because by 11 o’clock at night, nothing was making any sense and I’m terrified of turning people off, but it was cathartic and today I feel more chipper.

I am familiar with “feeling lonely in a crowd”. Part of my loneliness is due to shyness, a result of feeling insecure due to the childhood trauma of emotional (and physical) abuse. It’s difficult not to wish that you had never been born when your parents beat into your head the phrase, “I wish you were never born.” And even more difficult to feel good about yourself. My father-in-law has effectively taken up where my dad left off by saying that I don’t “exist”. And “I hope to God she never gets pregnant”. He is a Christian.

I can’t say I was “always” lonely. I had managed to overcome the more paralyzing degree of shyness, was “happy and bubbly” (who was that and where is she now?), and always had good days (when people wished me a good day, I’d give them a radiant smile and say, “I ALWAYS have a good day”). But I married my dad and have never been the same since. Due to my first husband’s abusive nature, I developed full-fledged irritable bowel syndrome. In high school, I shook uncontrollably and experienced stomach pain before presentations, but I was not housebound.

When I talk to “normal” people about my feelings, it always backfires. Am I speaking in tongues? Do I talk too much? Do I sound like I’m complaining or I’m self-centered? Maybe I’m overreacting, so why don’t I have any friends? Why do people call me “weird”, but are either unable to or simply refuse to explain what they mean? How can I possibly conquer this feeling I evoke in people if I don’t know what they mean? Statues don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but if they began speaking, they would. So do I say “weird” things? Does my voice sound weird or is it incompatible with my innocent doe-eyed face? The irony is that while these people don’t want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, they don’t make any attempt to conceal their zeal to exploit what they themselves term as my “generosity” and “kindness of heart”. People have always said that I “think of others more than” myself. So what am I doing wrong?

I told my husband about a website that hooks up lonely spouses with other lonely spouses (or singles). He said, “Sounds like you found what you’re looking for.” You can imagine my reply: “I thought I found that when I met you.” For some time, I’ve been seriously contemplating having an affair. He knows this (I felt guilty about doing it behind his back) and literally gave me his blessing. I know he would say I was twisting the whole situation around, but wouldn’t you find his comment a bit disconcerting? Telling him was my way of getting his attention similar to the way those contemplating suicide cry for help with suicide attempts. I don’t want to have an affair with another man; I want to have an affair with my husband! With his family wanting me out of the way, though, I’m afraid a blessing might only turn out to be an intentional curse. Easy way to do what his family so desperately wants because we’re Catholic, although I now consider myself an atheist, as no god could be so hateful.

I know his family got to him; I could sense a subtle change in the way he related to me just a few months after we met, but it wasn’t something you part ways over. I won’t go into the whole emotionally incestuous family-job nightmare, but that gives you an idea of what I was dealing with. None of this would have happened if my husband had nipped it in the bud instead of kowtowing to his dad when they attempted to interfere in our marital affairs. We moved away from the area two years ago, but the damage is done. They succeeded in driving a wedge between us, but take no responsibility for their actions. We were driven to obtain a $400 cease and desist letter against his dad last summer because they continue to harass us. We recently moved out of state again, and hopefully this time, they won’t find us. We changed our email name, have no home phone number and everything is in my name. We were forced to obtain a prepaid phone card in order to have any convenient contact with the outside world (we gave the company a phony name).

My husband has told me, “It’s my way or the highway.” Words straight from the patriarch himself who told my husband at our reception that I had better get that straight. My husband has also stated that he married me “for looks” (appearance’s sake) – to boast a ring and be able to say he has a wife because it’s an elevation of status. No wonder he is so callous toward me when what he really wanted was to be a “married bachelor”. All the perks, no responsibilities. Although we have no children, he gave me a World’s Greatest Mom certificate on Mother’s Day this year because he views me as a mother figure (no wonder he doesn’t want to have sex with me). He was emotionally abandoned by his mother from birth. He told me that she just sat him in front of the TV and left him there - probably why he spends all his time at home glazed-eyed, slack-jawed in front of the TV. Hard to break bad habits, I guess. He finds some kind of sheepish amusement in my desperation and loneliness in the marriage. Overall, his personality is that of a spoiled teenager.

I know my husband once felt something for me. Only he can get it back.

I would welcome any feedback at all. I just need some help here.
 
Thanks, Blue Sky. I see you are from Australia. You must be looking forward to some rain. It hasn't rained for a month here in the central U.S. My listed local time is 12 hours ahead, do you know how I can remedy that?

Pebblette
 
Hi Pebblette

Yes, we are now having our winter in Australia, and have had some rain lately, but I don't think that it has been enough to break the long drought.
To change your time settings, click on user cp, then go to your profile and click on edit options and you will see the time and date sttings there.

Blue Sky
 
Hey Pebblette hope you're feeling welcomed on the site. :cool:


Loneliness can be at its extreme when you're not supposed to be lonely. That is, when in a relationship/marriage. The loneliest time in my life was during my last relationship. I'm less lonely now that I'm single. This occurs to a lot of us. It's not an uncommon occurance at all.

I would also state that your father in-law is not exhibiting Christian behavior. Likely, I don't know a sufficient amount of information about your situation, but it sounds very difficult as it is. I hope that it improves for you and that you find some solace on this site.







Pebblette said:
Hard to comprehend being lonely when one is married. I mean, I have someone to share my life with, right? Someone to keep me company, but he is the overwhelming reason for my loneliness, but not the primary reason because I have felt lonely most of my life. I’ve read that a lot and not to be condescending, but at 21, that almost seems laughable. Wait until you’re 37, but I felt lonely at 21, too :).

Last night, I wrote and rewrote what I was going to say but scrapped it because by 11 o’clock at night, nothing was making any sense and I’m terrified of turning people off, but it was cathartic and today I feel more chipper.

I am familiar with “feeling lonely in a crowd”. Part of my loneliness is due to shyness, a result of feeling insecure due to the childhood trauma of emotional (and physical) abuse. It’s difficult not to wish that you had never been born when your parents beat into your head the phrase, “I wish you were never born.” And even more difficult to feel good about yourself. My father-in-law has effectively taken up where my dad left off by saying that I don’t “exist”. And “I hope to God she never gets pregnant”. He is a Christian.

I can’t say I was “always” lonely. I had managed to overcome the more paralyzing degree of shyness, was “happy and bubbly” (who was that and where is she now?), and always had good days (when people wished me a good day, I’d give them a radiant smile and say, “I ALWAYS have a good day”). But I married my dad and have never been the same since. Due to my first husband’s abusive nature, I developed full-fledged irritable bowel syndrome. In high school, I shook uncontrollably and experienced stomach pain before presentations, but I was not housebound.

When I talk to “normal” people about my feelings, it always backfires. Am I speaking in tongues? Do I talk too much? Do I sound like I’m complaining or I’m self-centered? Maybe I’m overreacting, so why don’t I have any friends? Why do people call me “weird”, but are either unable to or simply refuse to explain what they mean? How can I possibly conquer this feeling I evoke in people if I don’t know what they mean? Statues don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but if they began speaking, they would. So do I say “weird” things? Does my voice sound weird or is it incompatible with my innocent doe-eyed face? The irony is that while these people don’t want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, they don’t make any attempt to conceal their zeal to exploit what they themselves term as my “generosity” and “kindness of heart”. People have always said that I “think of others more than” myself. So what am I doing wrong?

I told my husband about a website that hooks up lonely spouses with other lonely spouses (or singles). He said, “Sounds like you found what you’re looking for.” You can imagine my reply: “I thought I found that when I met you.” For some time, I’ve been seriously contemplating having an affair. He knows this (I felt guilty about doing it behind his back) and literally gave me his blessing. I know he would say I was twisting the whole situation around, but wouldn’t you find his comment a bit disconcerting? Telling him was my way of getting his attention similar to the way those contemplating suicide cry for help with suicide attempts. I don’t want to have an affair with another man; I want to have an affair with my husband! With his family wanting me out of the way, though, I’m afraid a blessing might only turn out to be an intentional curse. Easy way to do what his family so desperately wants because we’re Catholic, although I now consider myself an atheist, as no god could be so hateful.

I know his family got to him; I could sense a subtle change in the way he related to me just a few months after we met, but it wasn’t something you part ways over. I won’t go into the whole emotionally incestuous family-job nightmare, but that gives you an idea of what I was dealing with. None of this would have happened if my husband had nipped it in the bud instead of kowtowing to his dad when they attempted to interfere in our marital affairs. We moved away from the area two years ago, but the damage is done. They succeeded in driving a wedge between us, but take no responsibility for their actions. We were driven to obtain a $400 cease and desist letter against his dad last summer because they continue to harass us. We recently moved out of state again, and hopefully this time, they won’t find us. We changed our email name, have no home phone number and everything is in my name. We were forced to obtain a prepaid phone card in order to have any convenient contact with the outside world (we gave the company a phony name).

My husband has told me, “It’s my way or the highway.” Words straight from the patriarch himself who told my husband at our reception that I had better get that straight. My husband has also stated that he married me “for looks” (appearance’s sake) – to boast a ring and be able to say he has a wife because it’s an elevation of status. No wonder he is so callous toward me when what he really wanted was to be a “married bachelor”. All the perks, no responsibilities. Although we have no children, he gave me a World’s Greatest Mom certificate on Mother’s Day this year because he views me as a mother figure (no wonder he doesn’t want to have sex with me). He was emotionally abandoned by his mother from birth. He told me that she just sat him in front of the TV and left him there - probably why he spends all his time at home glazed-eyed, slack-jawed in front of the TV. Hard to break bad habits, I guess. He finds some kind of sheepish amusement in my desperation and loneliness in the marriage. Overall, his personality is that of a spoiled teenager.

I know my husband once felt something for me. Only he can get it back.

I would welcome any feedback at all. I just need some help here.
 
Welcome, I hope you can find some friends here and work through whatever you need to change your situation. My symptoms seem to be largely internal and agrivated by external stimuli, while it sounds like you have the opposite problem. You are living in an intollerable situation compounded by your previous feelings of lonliness. Do you mind me asking why you felt lonely prior to your marriage?
 
Welcome to the site Pebblette. We're happy to have you here with us. In going through your post again it seems that your husband is being strongly (and negatively) influenced by his family. Although I believe that a family's input is very important in marriages, there are some things they shouldn't meddle in at all unless the married couple requests their input. The reasons your husband gave for marrying you is really disrespectful to you. I really can't understand what his problem is. His behaviour seems to be very abusive. Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour? Have you both ever seem a counsellor. There's no shame in it.

How someone could tell another person that they wish that person had never been born is something I couldn't understand. Peblette. I'm happy that you were born and are here with us.

"When I talk to “normal” people about my feelings, it always backfires. Am I speaking in tongues? Do I talk too much? Do I sound like I’m complaining or I’m self-centered? Maybe I’m overreacting, so why don’t I have any friends? Why do people call me “weird”, but are either unable to or simply refuse to explain what they mean? How can I possibly conquer this feeling I evoke in people if I don’t know what they mean? Statues don’t make people feel uncomfortable, but if they began speaking, they would. So do I say “weird” things? Does my voice sound weird or is it incompatible with my innocent doe-eyed face? The irony is that while these people don’t want to touch me with a ten-foot pole, they don’t make any attempt to conceal their zeal to exploit what they themselves term as my “generosity” and “kindness of heart”. People have always said that I “think of others more than” myself. So what am I doing wrong?"

Yes I could relate to the above quote very well. Happens to me a lot. Don't worry about
such people. Remember what goes around comes around.
 
Thank you for the warm welcome, everyone :).

I'm finding out that a lot of people feel lonely although they are married. I guess it is similar to the "lonely in a crowd" feeling :).

Perhaps at another time I will feel comfortable revealing the whys behind my father-in-law's animosity toward me. Reconciliation is one-sided and a failed project. He's a complicated individual who cannot admit when he has made a GRAVE error. I suppose I can comfort myself with the knowledge that I am not his only victim. He has already succeeded in destroying 3 of his children's marriages. He was so desperate to be rid of his youngest son's Puerto Rican wife that he told him and the entire family that he was going to remove him from the will and purchase a tombstone with his name on it and put it in his front yard.

For the record, I can think of one outstanding POSITIVE memory :). He was going to sue a man for hitting his Lincoln Town car with a golf ball while he was attending Mass. He later changed his mind telling the fellow that the damage was minimal and that he couldn't prove that the man hit his car because he didn't see him do it (he wouldn't have even known if the golfer hadn't readily told my father-in-law of his own volition). I was very impressed with this display of fairness and ethics. He could have made a bit of money perhaps over much ado about nothing, but chose not to. I really have to applaud that :).
 
Thank you, Want2bhappy . That is my hope also.

Actually, I can identify with "My symptoms seem to be largely internal and agrivated by external stimuli". I have difficulty believing in myself and that is compounded when criticized. When anyone around me is in a bad mood, my feelings of well-being dissolve. These I discovered about myself after taking the following self-esteem test. Does anyone else relate?

http://www.newhopenow.com/selfhelp/self.esteem.html

Check out this article. I found some interesting things under the "Loneliness Hurts" section.

http://www.newhopenow.com/notes/archive/dont_be_lonely.html

To answer your question, "Do you mind me asking why you felt lonely prior to your marriage?"

I have always been shy, sometimes painfully so. You should see my kindergarten picture; I'm peering at the camera from beneath my eyelashes and my upper lip is compressed over my lower lip (cute then, not now LOL). I was so nervous that I still have a callous between my thumb and index finger from rubbing my skin raw with the comb they gave me.

I think shyness may be hereditary (my mom is shy), but I think it is something that can be overcome, at least to some degree, which I have done.

People make me nervous and my low self-esteem results from seeing myself as my dad saw me. He was an absolute control freak with an explosive temper. My mom and my sister walked on eggshells around him. Also, I didn't have anything to talk about with the other kids growing up because TV was forbidden, and I didn't have an Atari, or even a bicycle. No one was permitted inside the house, so I didn't have sleep overs.

Childhood and the teen years can be extremely traumatizing WITHOUT the emotional and physical abuse. Having to put powder in your hair to absorb the grease and "wash" yourself with lotion because only a once a week was a bath permitted added to the isolation. Also being emaciated from mal-nourishment. Other children had travel and learning experiences that I was not permitted and an allowance (my dad wouldn't give me money even for something specific, not even for the collection plate). I was ridiculed for not being allowed to wear pants. A lot of little things set me apart and made me feel out of place. I don't want to sound negative, but you know how desperately you want to fit in when you're a kid and how cruel the other kids can be. Feeling like a social outcast at school and unloved at home had a tremendous impact on my personality and my life.

The one thing I took solace in was playing the violin, but my parents took perverse delight in removing that therapeutic pleasure from my life knowing I wanted to be a concert violinist.

I lived with my aunt and uncle for four years (ages 3-7). That was the dawning of my memory. I knew I was loved and was never afraid. Going to live with my parents was a traumatic culture shock. A newspaper published a letter about it that I sent in two weeks late because I couldn't muster up the courage to write it. It was titled, "Walked a Mile in Baby Jessica's Shoes". It was the first letter printed with the title running across the page.

Most importantly, I know I have to SHOUT my dad's words out of my head. He's an unfortunate "ghost" that follows me around. I have to keep reminding myself of my positive points and just repeat positive things to myself like they do in motivation seminars. Hey, maybe I should attend one now that I am debt free and mortgage free (that's something positive right there!).

I apologize for rambling on :). Honestly, I didn't intend to go on so. I hope this hasn't been boring. THANK YOU for listening (reading).
 
Not boring at all, I appreciate your openess and honesty. People can be cruel, not just children. If only everyone would take a moment to consider the impact on others perhaps the world would not be such an enraged and destitute place. I truely hope that your strength and fortitude continues to grow. Banishing a ghost is tricky even when you think they are beaten once you hit your low point they come screaming back. I wish you well and offer my support.
 
Thank you, Cool John.

"a family's input is very important in marriages". I agree that people have very good ideas and insights especially those who know and truly care about you.

"Have you ever spoken to him about his behaviour?" I have and it's hopeless. He flat out said he doesn't care about making a committment. At first, to avoid a confrontation, he said that he didn't THINK he could. So I asked him, "Is it "can't" or is it "won't"? He's just not very mature or concerned with anyone else's feelings. He really says some of the strangest things. One of them is, "I'm stubborn for stubborness's sake." That's when you throw up your hands.

"Have you both ever seem a counsellor." We used to talk to a nun, but he was always on his best behavior and never open or honest. He was afraid to express his true feelings to such a holy person. I can't make him put forth the effort and it evident that paying a cousellor would be a waste of time and money. At least, that's how I feel right now and from my first hand perspective, but I do certainly appreciate your input :).
 

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