IVIZ
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- Jun 5, 2010
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Hello, I'm writing and posting this as a way to vent off and maybe get some feedback on what people may think of my situation. I don't have the money to pay for a shrink, and I'm pretty sure no one here knows me so I don't see any harm in putting down some personal life issues in the pursuit of understanding. Just letting ya know, this is hard to describe and put in words.
Alright, I've been doing a lot of thinking and "soul searching", and have been tracking down my past for the purpose of understanding why I am who I've become. Well, I've come to an understanding that I, being a man, have developed and adopted a number of femenine features and traits, without me consciously knowing about it.
No I'm not a homosexual, trust me I'm pretty sure of that . But I guess I'll start for the beginning; I am the the only son of four kids. I have three sisters, One older than me and two younger than me. I guess I would isolate myself from the family pack because I was different. I didn't have the same interest as my sisters when I was a kid. My father, wasn't well much of a father. He was the provider of the family, so he was there but I didn't really bond with him (EVER), plus during my preteen and early teen years, he was absent for them because of being locked in prison. My mother was there too, I never did get a close bond with her either. But she was mostly available to me, I did get a lot of love from her. I was an obedient child becuase I was well aware of how tough it was to live and have good finance to survive confortably in this world, and me being obedient was the best way I could think of to get through the rough times. Most of the times I had problems I would keep them to myself because I could easily tell that they had enough on their plate as it already was, with their own financial problems and marriage and my sisters problems on top of it (oldest sister always had a mental illness problem). I sort of became like a "silent sufferer", so whatever I could hold on my own, so to not bring crumbling down my parents burdens, I didn't say a word of my afflictions (school, home, friends, anywhere), they were for me to bear, I felt that was the least I could do to not harden their heavy load. But thats besides the point of the main topic and title of this thread.
Now as I grew older (going into elementary school), I learned how boys are ment to be the dominant ones. But I also saw that they were cruel and harsh and abusive towards woman. I loved my sisters, even though I never became attached to them or bonded with them emotionally. I cared for them dearly, I then had a sort of passion of an idea, like a promise, that I would not become like one of these horrible men that mistreat woman. I thought it was an inevitable curse for a boy to become a ruthless man. I promised myself that I would not become like the poison or the problem of this world. But wait, why was I thinking this way???? Why was I putting myself in a girls shoes, saying that I will not be transformed into a "monster"???? I've seen more and more how I became so unattached to the way a man is suppost to be like in this world and it has cost me dearly in relationships. But there's more to it than that; Since I was an obedient kid, and my father was not around (prison) as I went into my teenage years. My mother would tell me to treat girls nicely, with respect and never do such and such bad things to them. I took it as the kind of advice you would tell if.... as if she was telling a dog not to bite someone he didn't like. I thought she was giving me advice so I wouldn't fall into the world and a role of an abusing man as I got older. She also asked me and told me not to have any girlfriends at the young age that I was because she said she couldn't be able to bear the burden of having me get into that kind of trouble. So I was obedient, I followed what she told me, I'm not sure if I would have done the same if my father was around to help us at the time, (to help me at the most needed time). There were a few girls in school that I liked, I never did anything to get their attention or get involved with them. I didn't see it as my best interest to do so. One time my mouth slipped out talking to a friend saying that I like a girl, she was actually very close by and could hear our conversation, later she was stalking me, I was very flattered for that age and she would ask me to be her boyfriend, I would embarrasly decline, I didn't want to even say why, I liked her, she was pretty, but there was a loyalty to my mother that blocked me from getting involved with a girlfriend at that age. I never really knew what to do, I didn't get anything, no progress, I was always different, and I was getting to realise that I was isolating myself from other boys and girls from me. I would see them advance, but I stayed the same in live. I didn't see myself jumping ahead like others.
Going into middle school, I was always given the impression from everyone and all kinds of media that everyone should be treated equally, and this included woman. Meaning that men should treat woman equally to them. It seemed like this was always shoved down my throat, but it looked like it was only me that was being struck by it. No other boy that I saw looked like he even payed attention to all the bombarding info of how everyone should be treated equally. I guess stupid me always being obedient from a child, I took it seriously. But I saw that this was a huge mistake, I would see how other boys wouldn't give care to the notion and were being rewarded by it. Girls would praise boys for being well boys, I didn't understand why I wasn't working right with the idea that everyone I see and meet should be treated equally. Well this just messed up everythings going on down. Middle school was the worst years of my life! I didn't understand what wrong turn I made in life that I did to make me end up a looser and failure! I hardly had any friends, I actually would get close to a crowd of kids I thought would be friendly from class, and hopefully they would accept me in their clic, but I was always out of the circle, and for the love of God I wouldn't understand how I got this way. I wanted to have a girlfriend but it seemed like I missed a step of two in developement that I didn't find it comprihendible on how to even manage to get one. I was so lost!
During high school, I had it! I was so misserable in middle school, that in high school, I knew I had to make a change! But even though I changed my appearance and how I behaved, I couldn't change the way I thought. I wanted to be with someone, that was my goal during high school. I was the nice kid, thats all I knew, thats how I grew up. I couldn't get myself to be someone else. I couldn't even think of how to deceive a girl into falling in love with me just for my selfish needs. I wanted love, true love. So I kept doing what I knew, but it never worked for me, I just didn't do it right. When I would talk to a girl, (even today) I seem to get close to her and feel for her, but not it the right way that I wanted to be. I was feeling for her and wanting to help her with her problems than to actually be there for her romanticaly. Its like if your sitting in a table and you have the girl sitting in one chair, I would always find myself sitting and talking right next to the girl, not in front of her on the other side of the table, where a man should be, where he can actually be there for her romantically, and be able to fufill her needs in a more sexual relationship theme. NO I ALWAYS SEEM TO ALWAYS SIT NEXT TO THEM! As if I want to help them, but they would only see me as a friend and someone whos there that cares for them, But not a man that can TAKE CARE or them. I always found it disturbing to play the "game". I didn't even want to enter this STUPID SYSTEM!!! I hated it, I was told that all I needed to do was be a nice person and care for others, and the same will be done for you. This as been my worst mistakes I could ever have considered to be a part of me! I never wanted to hurt a girls loving soul. I knew that I would only do that if I made her have feelings for me. But at the same time I knew that I was such a great person that I knew that wouldn't happen. All High school I was alone, I dont think it was my worst years because I was confident in myself, but I was alone, wondering how did I get to be so lonely. What did I do wrong?
After High school, I've been trying to find out why is it that I'm such a loner in life. I thought I struck gold, when I bumped into a wonderful girl that needed help. So I helped her every possible way I could. She was the only and serious relationship I've been in my entire life. But I've been feeling empty, life it I don't have all of my gadgets in my utility belt. I felt like I didn't and haven't yet mastered everything I needed to keep a relationship going. I was right, the relationship fell, because I never learned how to actually treat a worman the way a woman was suppost to be treated. I was treating her likyle my equal, big mistake. I was treating her nicely and caring, big mistake. I wasn't there for her as a man, I was there for her as a human, but she wanted a man. I am still not a man, I don't really consider myself a man...
I AM HUMAN!
THere is a lot I still needed to write and put down, but its getting late and I just wanted to vent this stress of life. Thankyou for reading. Sorry if nothing that I wrote makes sense.
Alright, I've been doing a lot of thinking and "soul searching", and have been tracking down my past for the purpose of understanding why I am who I've become. Well, I've come to an understanding that I, being a man, have developed and adopted a number of femenine features and traits, without me consciously knowing about it.
No I'm not a homosexual, trust me I'm pretty sure of that . But I guess I'll start for the beginning; I am the the only son of four kids. I have three sisters, One older than me and two younger than me. I guess I would isolate myself from the family pack because I was different. I didn't have the same interest as my sisters when I was a kid. My father, wasn't well much of a father. He was the provider of the family, so he was there but I didn't really bond with him (EVER), plus during my preteen and early teen years, he was absent for them because of being locked in prison. My mother was there too, I never did get a close bond with her either. But she was mostly available to me, I did get a lot of love from her. I was an obedient child becuase I was well aware of how tough it was to live and have good finance to survive confortably in this world, and me being obedient was the best way I could think of to get through the rough times. Most of the times I had problems I would keep them to myself because I could easily tell that they had enough on their plate as it already was, with their own financial problems and marriage and my sisters problems on top of it (oldest sister always had a mental illness problem). I sort of became like a "silent sufferer", so whatever I could hold on my own, so to not bring crumbling down my parents burdens, I didn't say a word of my afflictions (school, home, friends, anywhere), they were for me to bear, I felt that was the least I could do to not harden their heavy load. But thats besides the point of the main topic and title of this thread.
Now as I grew older (going into elementary school), I learned how boys are ment to be the dominant ones. But I also saw that they were cruel and harsh and abusive towards woman. I loved my sisters, even though I never became attached to them or bonded with them emotionally. I cared for them dearly, I then had a sort of passion of an idea, like a promise, that I would not become like one of these horrible men that mistreat woman. I thought it was an inevitable curse for a boy to become a ruthless man. I promised myself that I would not become like the poison or the problem of this world. But wait, why was I thinking this way???? Why was I putting myself in a girls shoes, saying that I will not be transformed into a "monster"???? I've seen more and more how I became so unattached to the way a man is suppost to be like in this world and it has cost me dearly in relationships. But there's more to it than that; Since I was an obedient kid, and my father was not around (prison) as I went into my teenage years. My mother would tell me to treat girls nicely, with respect and never do such and such bad things to them. I took it as the kind of advice you would tell if.... as if she was telling a dog not to bite someone he didn't like. I thought she was giving me advice so I wouldn't fall into the world and a role of an abusing man as I got older. She also asked me and told me not to have any girlfriends at the young age that I was because she said she couldn't be able to bear the burden of having me get into that kind of trouble. So I was obedient, I followed what she told me, I'm not sure if I would have done the same if my father was around to help us at the time, (to help me at the most needed time). There were a few girls in school that I liked, I never did anything to get their attention or get involved with them. I didn't see it as my best interest to do so. One time my mouth slipped out talking to a friend saying that I like a girl, she was actually very close by and could hear our conversation, later she was stalking me, I was very flattered for that age and she would ask me to be her boyfriend, I would embarrasly decline, I didn't want to even say why, I liked her, she was pretty, but there was a loyalty to my mother that blocked me from getting involved with a girlfriend at that age. I never really knew what to do, I didn't get anything, no progress, I was always different, and I was getting to realise that I was isolating myself from other boys and girls from me. I would see them advance, but I stayed the same in live. I didn't see myself jumping ahead like others.
Going into middle school, I was always given the impression from everyone and all kinds of media that everyone should be treated equally, and this included woman. Meaning that men should treat woman equally to them. It seemed like this was always shoved down my throat, but it looked like it was only me that was being struck by it. No other boy that I saw looked like he even payed attention to all the bombarding info of how everyone should be treated equally. I guess stupid me always being obedient from a child, I took it seriously. But I saw that this was a huge mistake, I would see how other boys wouldn't give care to the notion and were being rewarded by it. Girls would praise boys for being well boys, I didn't understand why I wasn't working right with the idea that everyone I see and meet should be treated equally. Well this just messed up everythings going on down. Middle school was the worst years of my life! I didn't understand what wrong turn I made in life that I did to make me end up a looser and failure! I hardly had any friends, I actually would get close to a crowd of kids I thought would be friendly from class, and hopefully they would accept me in their clic, but I was always out of the circle, and for the love of God I wouldn't understand how I got this way. I wanted to have a girlfriend but it seemed like I missed a step of two in developement that I didn't find it comprihendible on how to even manage to get one. I was so lost!
During high school, I had it! I was so misserable in middle school, that in high school, I knew I had to make a change! But even though I changed my appearance and how I behaved, I couldn't change the way I thought. I wanted to be with someone, that was my goal during high school. I was the nice kid, thats all I knew, thats how I grew up. I couldn't get myself to be someone else. I couldn't even think of how to deceive a girl into falling in love with me just for my selfish needs. I wanted love, true love. So I kept doing what I knew, but it never worked for me, I just didn't do it right. When I would talk to a girl, (even today) I seem to get close to her and feel for her, but not it the right way that I wanted to be. I was feeling for her and wanting to help her with her problems than to actually be there for her romanticaly. Its like if your sitting in a table and you have the girl sitting in one chair, I would always find myself sitting and talking right next to the girl, not in front of her on the other side of the table, where a man should be, where he can actually be there for her romantically, and be able to fufill her needs in a more sexual relationship theme. NO I ALWAYS SEEM TO ALWAYS SIT NEXT TO THEM! As if I want to help them, but they would only see me as a friend and someone whos there that cares for them, But not a man that can TAKE CARE or them. I always found it disturbing to play the "game". I didn't even want to enter this STUPID SYSTEM!!! I hated it, I was told that all I needed to do was be a nice person and care for others, and the same will be done for you. This as been my worst mistakes I could ever have considered to be a part of me! I never wanted to hurt a girls loving soul. I knew that I would only do that if I made her have feelings for me. But at the same time I knew that I was such a great person that I knew that wouldn't happen. All High school I was alone, I dont think it was my worst years because I was confident in myself, but I was alone, wondering how did I get to be so lonely. What did I do wrong?
After High school, I've been trying to find out why is it that I'm such a loner in life. I thought I struck gold, when I bumped into a wonderful girl that needed help. So I helped her every possible way I could. She was the only and serious relationship I've been in my entire life. But I've been feeling empty, life it I don't have all of my gadgets in my utility belt. I felt like I didn't and haven't yet mastered everything I needed to keep a relationship going. I was right, the relationship fell, because I never learned how to actually treat a worman the way a woman was suppost to be treated. I was treating her likyle my equal, big mistake. I was treating her nicely and caring, big mistake. I wasn't there for her as a man, I was there for her as a human, but she wanted a man. I am still not a man, I don't really consider myself a man...
I AM HUMAN!
THere is a lot I still needed to write and put down, but its getting late and I just wanted to vent this stress of life. Thankyou for reading. Sorry if nothing that I wrote makes sense.