emotional affairs

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
N

Nina

Guest
I'm curious, have any of you had what you'd consider to be a strictly, "emotional affair" with someone?
What was it like?
I was just talking to someone and they brought them up. The idea of it is a bit new to me, but somehow very comforting too.
I'd love to hear about any experiences, as well as thoughts on the plus and minus sides of them as well.
 
Well, I'll be the downer voice here. I see no redeeming points to it at all. In my eyes, an emotional affair is a much bigger betrayal than a sexual one.

Almost anyone could have a night of drunken stupidity leading to a sexual infidelity which he or she regrets instantly, but an emotional affair is the sign of a larger problem. I think that it suggests that the most basic emotional connection between you and your spouse is gone and really, at that point, why bother continuing? If you have a strong emotional attachment to someone other than your spouse, then just get the damned divorce already.

When the other spouse discovers that her or his significant other has strong feelings for someone else, trust me, that hurts like hell. It can feel as though the whole foundation of the relationship is shattered.
 
Cheaptric--
I love that kind of direct honesty and totally see where you could be coming from. I found he whole concept really interesting and just wanted to throw it out there and hear others thoughts. Thanks for yours.
 
I agree with CTF. I'd rather almost prefer for my significant other to have a physical affair over an emotional one. If he starts to feel strong emotions for someone else, then I think I would take it upon myself to just end the relationship. Developing feelings for someone takes more heart, and I don't think I could deal with the fact that his heart was going elsewhere. Same if I were to develop an emotional affair with someone. I think I'd be torn between staying with the one and going to the other.
 
Nina said:
Cheaptric--
I love that kind of direct honesty and totally see where you could be coming from. I found he whole concept really interesting and just wanted to throw it out there and hear others thoughts. Thanks for yours.

Sure thing. :)

I realize that not all relationships are the same. Open relationships and polyamorous relationships may indeed work for some people, as might platonic ones. In those cases, an emotional connection with someone outside the marriage might not be viewed as a huge betrayal.

I know myself well enough to say with certainty that I am not the type of person who is suited for them though.
 
cheaptrickfan said:
. . . an emotional connection with someone outside the marriage might not be viewed as a huge betrayal.

There are also different levels of emotional connections with someone. However, I just figured, with the whole relationship thing, that it was towards that. Emotional connections could also be to a best friend. Even towards a best friend (of the opposite sex), I think I'd question some things if I didn't know for sure.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Emotional connections could also be to a best friend. Even towards a best friend (of the opposite sex), I think I'd question some things if I didn't know for sure.


Sad to say, I may never look at this the same way. For years, the ex told me that there was nothing untoward going on with him and this chick from the band he was in. No, they were "just buds."

*cough*

Yeah, guess who he left me for? You got it, his "just a bud," chick-friend.
 
Vanilla & Cheaptrick--
I think my fascination is coming in from trying to clarify the difference between just a very deep friendship and trying to define what an emotional affair is and how it differs from those, utterly commited friendships...I have a definitive knack for going very deep into friendships. I love to exchange with folks and it always seems to lead to a very real concern and emotional connection to others. I deeply care, for most of the folks who land in my orbit. Yet, I've never seen it as anything coming close to what I would consider an, "affair."

I love the thoughts shared so far though. Thanks...
 
cheaptrickfan said:
VanillaCreme said:
Emotional connections could also be to a best friend. Even towards a best friend (of the opposite sex), I think I'd question some things if I didn't know for sure.


Sad to say, I may never look at this the same way. For years, the ex told me that there was nothing untoward going on with him and this chick from the band he was in. No, they were "just buds."

*cough*

Yeah, guess who he left me for? You got it, his "just a bud," chick-friend.

I'd strangle her with every instrument they had...

Ahem, oh goodness... You know, I think it's odd... Instead of just telling the truth about how they really feel, they just sweep it under the rug. If my man did have feelings for someone else, I'd rather him just tell me, and we can deal with it accordingly. I'd feel slightly offended if he couldn't even come talk to me about it.
 
Cheaptrick--
I have as many men friends as women they're gay, striaght and everything in between and not a one of my buds has left a SO for me! I've been married the whole time!! :) I do see where your experience has colored your opinions on it though. I'm sorry you had to go through it too...

Vanilla--Strangling the alleged, "buddy" LOVE IT! I'm a realist and would rather have the honesty as well. I wonder if they do sometimes think it's a friend and then it just becomes more, or is it more than fiendship to begin with and they're trying to mask the truth of their own feelings?
 
Nina said:
I think my fascination is coming in from trying to clarify the difference between just a very deep friendship and trying to define what an emotional affair is and how it differs from those, utterly commited friendships...

My feelings on the matter are that if the friendship (with someone the same sex as your spouse/SO) is so important and emotionally fulfilling that you could see yourself going to the friend first, before your spouse, with the important things, then it has ceased to become just a friendship.

VanillaCreme said:
Ahem, oh goodness... You know, I think it's odd... Instead of just telling the truth about how they really feel, they just sweep it under the rug.

I think he was still caught up with the issue that divorce is frowned upon in Catholicism. But then I guess that their love became just too big to deny.


Nina said:
I do see where your experience has colored your opinions on it though. I'm sorry you had to go through it too...

Thanks.
 
Nina said:
Vanilla & Cheaptrick--
I think my fascination is coming in from trying to clarify the difference between just a very deep friendship and trying to define what an emotional affair is and how it differs from those, utterly commited friendships...I have a definitive knack for going very deep into friendships. I love to exchange with folks and it always seems to lead to a very real concern and emotional connection to others. I deeply care, for most of the folks who land in my orbit. Yet, I've never seen it as anything coming close to what I would consider an, "affair."

I love the thoughts shared so far though. Thanks...

Well, I think you just know. You just know whether or not it's a deep friendship connection, or if it's a "I think I've fallen for you" type of connection. I have strong friendships with a few guys, but I've never felt that "I think I've fallen for you" thing for them.

Some people don't realize it right away though. So I don't think it's always instant. Which is possibly the real issue. By the time you realize it, it's almost always too late.
 
Vanilla--I must always be keeping inside the lines then. But I do see how it could get carried away. I have met some folks that I was just almost hypnotically drawn to them. BUT you have to keep your head about it too. Common sense is a good companion in those moments.
 
Nina said:
Vanilla--I must always be keeping inside the lines then. But I do see how it could get carried away. I have met some folks that I was just almost hypnotically drawn to them. BUT you have to keep your head about it too. Common sense is a good companion in those moments.

Common sense only goes as far as physically... I don't think you can really reason with your heart. You can try, but it won't stop it completely.
 
Vanilla-- it sounds to me like your heart may have gotten the best of you at some point. I almost envy that. As crazy as it sounds, Sometimes I think I am almost too skilled at keeping my heart in check. Does that even make any sense?
 
...from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_know_it_when_I_see_it)

The phrase "I know it when I see it" is a colloquial expression by which the user attempts to categorize an observable fact or event, although the category is subjective or lacks clearly-defined parameters. This phrase is best known as a description of a threshold of obscenity, no longer used, which is not protected speech under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution. The phrase notably appeared in Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964), decided by the United States Supreme Court.
“ I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description ["hard-core pornography"]; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it, and the motion picture involved in this case is not that. [Emphasis added.] ”

— Justice Potter Stewart, concurring opinion in Jacobellis v. Ohio 378 U.S. 184 (1964), regarding possible obscenity in The Lovers.

i know it when i see it - this is my take on this subject...

i've never had an emotional affair. i can't pass judgment on people who may have, but, it just isn't me. i'm like a dog. attached to "that one person" for ever and ever. it seems there are very few like me.

oh yeah, and what ctf said is spot on.

"that if the friendship is so important and emotionally fulfilling that you could see yourself going to the friend first, before your spouse, with the important things, then it has ceased to become just a friendship."

i don't think i could have said it more clearly, completely, or concisely. well done!
 
cheaptrickfan said:
No, they were "just buds."

The think the "were just friends" line is in the cheaters manual and a line that they are required to use.
 
Just_some_dude--
I always love your posts, they're sort of like a sledgehammer covered with fleece...Hard core honesty with some softness to ease the impact. Honestly always wins though...
 
Nina said:
Just_some_dude--
sort of like a sledgehammer covered with fleece...

i am also anatomically described in this fashion when wearing sweatpants.
 
Nina said:
Vanilla-- it sounds to me like your heart may have gotten the best of you at some point. I almost envy that. As crazy as it sounds, Sometimes I think I am almost too skilled at keeping my heart in check. Does that even make any sense?

Well, then, perhaps it's time you let your heart free and let it do the talking.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top