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Commonwealth

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I get rousted out of my sleep sometimes when nature calls. I find there's something frightening about that hour of the night because there isn’t no fooling yourself about what you done or what you hadn't done with your life.

I've had ups and downs all my life and feel that i was never really given the tools to deal with most emotional setbacks and low points. However 2 years ago i was working in Pharmacy my trade of choice and just finished schooling for and found at my second job in the career what i felt was the perfect work place. It was a little far from home but i had multiple transit buses that ran to work and the hours where a real rarity these days of a 9-5 with weekends off. I really enjoyed helping people and seeing the application of my work and it meaning something. That and i get along with old folks real well, I was brought up to have respect for your elders and i see more and more the frustration and shock the changing world has on them as i get older myself.
Anyway I met a lovely lady whom visited my pharmacy for a medication daily for addiction treatment (I'm not going to site the drug name as i appreciate the anonymity of myself and her),She was a little neurotic but not in the literal sense, just really up beat and happy. I remember the first night we did something together. She lived just up the street from me and waited for me to get off work to take the bus home with me thought she had lost her bus pass and cried on my shoulder as "her father would kill her" , her father handling all of her money at the time as she was still in a "recovery stage”. She attempted to get clean many times but it was a staph infection in her heart that i think really scared her and time makes it right this time.
I remember getting off the bus and asking her what she was planning to have for dinner. She said “SpegettO’s”, I asked her to come over to my place and I’d cook for her. I think we had something like tacos and milkshakes or something. Being a fella then who liked his food and weighing about 290 lbs. at the time and her being on a fixed income just receiving government income assistance it was a nice treat for her. We really just clicked from there, or at least I think we did. Almost every night from then on we spent together, I can remember our first kiss watching a movie at my place.
We spent Christmas together watching my folks place while they were away. We made love for the first time.
I lost my job at the pharmacy, I never really understood why. I worked hard and a “Brother” in a fraternity I’m involved in affectionately parodied on the “Simpson’s” as “Stone cutters’, mentioned that I for lack of better words busted my ass there. I had never taken anything from there to put my job at risk. I was shown the door before my lunch break on a Friday afternoon, no two week notice, just the door.
Soon I had to leave my two floor little gem of an apartment with a woodstove due to unemployment. It was a blessing in a way because I moved into her place. I wasn’t really supposed due to her income reasons however it was kind of fun in that sense too. We had our arguments but I always made a point to share this idea and keep it with me that fights over little stuff is just small potatoes and the only thing that would ever seriously bother me is if she cheated on me did mention that she would like to have relations with a girl in the future as she had thought that she was bi-sexual. I felt that cheating was cheating and I can hear the stereotypical guy thought of “All right!” but that’s not me.

It was certainly hard for me to care about someone so much and hear all of the stories of what we called her “past life” working on the streets and her addiction, But I hope looking back I helped get a lot of that stuff off her chest. It was hard with her mood swings due to the medication taken for her to recover from her addiction and accompanying her to the pharmacy when she needed to go daily. There was a time I was lazy and didn’t go and I look back and think poorly that I didn’t.
We had to visit a food bank regularly then, a humble experience at best for some one that wasn’t used to i.e. be never brought up rich, a little spoiled but middle class. Food was something we never had to worry about. I was fortunate to see most of the world as a young man due to my father’s job in lenses.
We were really happy for the most part; we’d stay up all night and talk sometimes “camping out” in the living room like kids or sharing a single bed together that she had till I got mine there.

I and my girlfriend moved once again and I found work at a call center. I was losing weight, eating better. We started to have sex regularly as she was slowly getting more comfortable with those things again. I started smoking … again, but so did her  .Life was getting better by the day and we were so happy together. We hadn’t fought in months and months. Her sister was up to visit so she could reconnect with her. It was a little demanding as she wanted to spoil her and I was the only one working so there was money pressure. It was a good visit and she did get to spoil her sister, after she left about a week later after her “getting clean” anniversary I proposed to her. I borrowed the money from my father and bought a beautiful white gold diamond cluster ring. I was worried she wouldn’t like it but we sort of discussed what she’d like in general terms. I remember when I came home afterwords and she drilled it out of me.I proposed in August on a warm humid day in our kitchen. She said yes. She went back to school in September and reconnected with her half-sister. Things were going along smoothly I thought, she thought that I was being a little hasty on setting a date but other than that it was going good.

Things got weird in the fall and early winter when she wanted to speak with an ex-boyfriend on Facebook and get “closure”. While I was a little put off by it and naturally worried , the pure honesty she was giving me by asking if it would be okay I felt that nothing would be wrong with it and said it would be okay. She soon wanted to visit her “home “town in another province and wanted to go after Christmas. I was happy to get her back to see her mother and family there. She has her father here to which we regularly shared his company when we could.

We had a couple of good fights over the simplest things, I feel so dumb now, but it was basically me lying about spending 5.00$ here or there on junk food between work breaks. I felt that I didn’t want to disappoint her in anyway and it bit me in the ass.She also found out that I lied about my past, Some things I meant to pump myself up with when we first met but didn’t come out right and I rolled with it.

She went on her trip, she ran out of money and I was being a little paranoid at the time because the ex-boyfriend lived where she was visiting. Against my own better judgment I read some e-mails on her school account after getting off the phone with her. I found that she had a plan to leave me and move there. Now we had discussed moving there together as she was feeling home sick. She had e-mails to the ex, nothing implying that an affair was going on but what I took from it was “I’m leaving him so don’t be a stranger” kind of thing.

I changed jobs to another call center but this call center was for an American web-based pharmacy so at least I was using a little of my education while still actively seeking employ in my field.

I asked her about it and we yelled at each other for a bit. I stayed in the apartment till she got back; I packed my stuff up and found another place. We she got back its almost like things where fine again and that there was hope. For the first couple of days it was sad and happy at the same time, Sad because she was leaving me but happy because it was almost as if she wasn’t going to leave. We were still making love and cuddling up at night and saying the “I love you’s”.Very weird. The days leading up to her leaving is when we both just started to argue more, she mentioned constantly that she was confused and never really loved me and things of that nature. The kind of stuff that stabs you right in your very soul. What I thought she felt for me was nothing but true love as I did for her. You might say I’m quite the romantic but I'm talking about something
Way beyond romance. Bone deep. You feel it just between the two of you. Now, if you stub your right toe,
The left toe feels it. Isn’t a he or she, or you or me. You're both just one.

She left; the day she left I lost my job once again. I’ve been unemployed since and it is month number seven. With the help of my fraternity I found an apartment owned by a member and they’ve been nothing but support and they keep me busy as they make fraternal pins and promotional products. I’ve done graphic design since 1997 so it was nice to be able to zone out in front of Photoshop and turn all of that energy to creativity.

I visit a food bank to feed myself, I’m lucky that internet is included in my rent as I cannot afford anything beyond my rent let alone a phone. I receive income assistance from the government to do so (i.e.-welfare).I’ve sent out to this date 4,000 plus resumes not counting cold calling. I’m either under qualified for a position or over qualified to flip burgers.
I’ve lost a lot of old friends over time and don’t have many left. As the months of summer are the close months for the fraternity I can usually go two to three weeks without speaking to someone or leaving the apartment other than job search related activities. I am lucky for I took two of the three cats. As sad as it sounds they are the closest things to friends I got. One should never underestimate the companionship of a pet.

I take some happiness away from music, literature and walks in the forest behind my apartment and around the nature trails surrounding the area.

I’m a lonely old fool, I’m twenty six years of age and I feel as If I’m sixty six. My mother has M.D. and Cancer and she has turned to alcohol and has been accustomed to disappearing for months at time usually service a jail sentence. Not something I would have imagined as a teenager. I’ve botched four of her suicide attempts, I’d say “Save her” but I don’t think I was.


Loneness is the worse councilor. I lost a woman I truly love and fall to pieces of I see a picture of her, This early morning I was on Facebook sending a message to her father whom I keep in good contact with and value as a friend. I see a picture of her and she looks wonderful. More beautiful than I can remember which I never thought was possible.Shes seeing younger “scene” punker/emo fellas now.


It’s hard that’s all. Typing this out helps and I commend anyone who takes the time to read it.
 
Took time to read it. Truly heartbreaking, my friend. Truly heartbreaking.

Stick around here, okay? It's ... well, its a pretty good place, and there's a lot of people willing to help.
 
Wandering stranger said:
I read your whole story, keep your chin up and keep building yourself up, when you saw her pic on facebook did you feel a pang of dread but strange satisfaction that she looks so happy...the dread because it's not with you?

Give it time and make sure you dont' give up on yourself, EVER, you didn't give up on her , you're waiting patiently...

She's admitted she's curious about experimenting around, that's fine, she'll do it either way but I guarantee she'll always remember you and the moments you two shared. If things don't work out remember what I said about building yourself up, who knows one day she'll see a pic of you, make sure you look happy and better then before.

I've got 2 friends that pretty much had the same sort of relationship you did, after an almost 8 year break between each other they're now engaged....that's right 8 years later.

So my friend, are you willing to treat yourself as well as you'd want her to be treated? Always build up and never knock down, there can only be renovation when destruction is not an option.

William Ernest Henley put it right about the evening as the "Horror of the shade" ,I see any picture of her and i remember the closeness and all of the good times and the lack of understanding of why she left.A feeling of sadness and that rush of pure terror as if you were in the headlights of a car speeding towards you mixed with all of those warm fuzzy feelings of love.

I understand the text book explanation so to speak of the raw facts that I probably gave a recovering addict the boost she needed and as a stepping stone I helped her grow her wings a flew away and that i should have only expected that but it just doesn't sit right with me and i keep asking "why".

I'm not one to take the idea of "success is the best revenge" , I'm not interested in that what so ever.But i hope one day that the both of us can see me happy and stable.

I would have figured she got all of her experimenting done in her Heroin party days and then be turned off from it from her work as a prostitute,to each there own i guess.

It's all hard to shake and I'm just a plain and simple guy and some of us really take to heart those words said of "i love you" on a relationship basis and all of those sweet promises shared, when that turns to fall an understanding of people and sincerity goes with it.Things like honor and doing right by your word,i really feel for those whom took breakups worse then i have.It can really shatter some ones world in every perception.I really do appreciate the input , I had thought typing it all out would be help enough and expected the post to sink with no replies.Thanks.
 
Oh man i feel for you. :( Truely heartbreaking as Electric_Fusilier said. I hope you find happiness once again, im sure it will happen one day. Try and stay optimistic friend.
 
Wandering stranger said:
I wouldn't go with "success as the best revenge" just implying that it's time to invest in your health and well-being, time for you my friend. I am 25 had my ups and downs, I'm making **** sure that it's me time from now on, gym membership starts tomorrow, who knows maybe I'll go back and finish school this fall also. /time to go to work D;

Well like i said its appreciated.The power of listening is underrated these days and forums like this helps.

Your right the whole gym thing helps i was pretty thin when she left but I'm down to 170lbs now.Cigarettes help too :p
 
I read you story Commonwealth and it is one that tugged at a lot of my heartstrings. Besides saying that with luck, time will offer more chances for happiness, all I can offer is compassion and a sincerely mean't hug,(((Commonwealth))) I agree you should stick around. This is a great place to meet kind and wonderful folks.
 
Read your post Commonwealth. Find solace knowing that you did right by someone at least. It's all up from here I suspect. Good to meet you, by the way, I hope you find these forums a positive place to be.
 
Commonwealth, I am really sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine what it feels like. However, I also admire you. I did not detect a single hint of bitterness or spite, which too many people tend to slip into after encountering difficult times. You sound like a good person with a full heart. I also marvel at the fact that you were able to lose so much weight--that is very, very hard to do, and something you should be proud of. You are still young, and you seem like the type of person who has quite the future ahead of him. Hugs, and good luck with everything in your life. We are all here to provide whatever support that we can.
 
Updates:

I wrote her a really nice "good bye" letter last week as we parted on bad terms,I thought by ignoring her that the pain would go away and we never really spoke past a month after she left.

I bottled alot of this stuff up,a good example was when i came back to our home the day she returned from her trip and she cried at first sight of me and i rubbed her back and comforted her that everything was going to be alright,Everything wasn't going to be alright because she was leaving but i didn't want her to be upset.

Anyway here's the letter if any one is interested in reading it ;

Goodnight.
My love for you is unconditional.

I will have a hard time, But trying to bring back the past is like trying to bring back a breeze that passed by.I will always view our time together with love and appreciation.
I know that If I try to fight the love I have for you, try to get rid of it, and try to avoid it, I can pretty much guarantee that it is like trying to fight, get rid of and avoid the fact that sunlight exists. I feel love, then I will honor those feelings.They are letting me know the truth. Just by doing that alone I will simultaneously bring my self into your truth, and I will stop the internal battle of my heart. I hope some day that I will begin to feel inner peace, and the pain will vanish.


Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. ~William Cowper

I have learned from our last days that hoping for the future is a complete waste of time.Because it is detracting from the now moment when all creation exists.This is why I regreted not spending more time with you in those last days instead of thinking everything was going to work out for us.
My hopes that destiny would bring us back together I think just meant I’d never have to say goodbye to you.As much as it saddens me I think I have to say good bye for now.
Your entry into my life breathed new life into me.It gave me excitement for each new day and I looked forward with anticipation that I could see you.
In all of life I’ve never felt so at peace and happiness when I was in your arms.I was enthralled with the beauty of your smile,Bewitched by the twinkle in your eye and overcome by the passion of your kisses.My love for you will never die and there will always be a place in my heart for you.
What ever happens I want you to find me in ten or fifteen years.I want to hear about how good of a mother I know you will be and that you were happy.

I with pure, transparent love, view the you the way I would view a butterfly, and allow you to fly away freely.You are a very special person and I wish you the greatest life any human being can ever have.

I love you.
I love you Her name was here.
Instead of saying just “good bye” I’ll think about what we used to say before going to sleep at night.
“Good night beautiful lady” …. “Good night handsome man”.

Alot of advice from my own mind i should take but i don't know why i haven't yet..I thought it was nice,I sent her a letter before that going over my regrets and that i always was hoping she said she would want to come back and stuff like that.Regrets that even though i was always there for her when she was sick (She was a recovering heroin addict but i was never a user of any drugs aside from pot as a teenager and still to this day in case you didn't read my big long foolish story on the previous page.) i though i could have done more.



Anyway she had a bunch of things go on in her life recently (family illness,missing pet) and she started e-mailing me again.It just really hurts to talk to her because all i think about is the past or hold on to hopes that she might come back.

I failed to mention i attempted to date again and it didn't last more then a couple of days as the poor girl reminded me so much of my ex-fiancée.I also picked up a job working part time for Tommy Hilfiger at the end of last month but i quit because i felt it was aimless work and with all of the young kids there was so much drama and most importantly i wasn't getting any shifts.I was a fool to quit the job because it got me out of the house and it was work and "work is work" so to speak but i couldn't handle it everything else considered.I was able to buy a little groceries of my own for the first time in months though, So I'm eating like a king with a spicy peanut tuna satay sandwich and rustic potato and vegetable soup :) , SpagettiO's from the food bank tomorrow :( .

Yeah , so I've been ghosting my apartment,haven't spoke to a soul aside from e-mails and one ten minute conversation with my brother in two weeks.

fun stuff.


P.S.- I really appreciate all the well wishes,really.:)
 
Either my eyes are dry . .. or i teared a little haha.

Aw man . . . I don't really have any words to say to you :(.

I wish the best for you in the future.
 
That was a beautiful letter, very touching and sincere. I wouldn't give up hope if I were you, prepare for the best and also the shortcomings. From what you described with the ex-new girl I'd garner that you still are in the recovery process, there really are plenty of fish in the sea but time will only tell.


Keep your chin up, never stop fighting the good fight
 
I read your post and your letter, they were very touching and it's truly saddening but you seem to be copeing quite well after all that has happened.
Hang in there I'm sure things will improve if you don't give in, just stick around here if you want to talk to someone everyone seems friendly and understanding.
 
I'm sorry you have gone through so much and hope things will improve soon (they can only get better right?), stay strong and focused on your future and keep the good memories in your heart. I hope you can find something to do that you enjoy to keep yourself busy and meet new people to bring sunshine into your life.
 
Commonwealth said:
Typing this out helps and I commend anyone who takes the time to read it.

I took the time to read it, and it's a sad story :(


Commonwealth said:
she mentioned constantly that she was confused and never really loved me and things of that nature. The kind of stuff that stabs you right in your very soul.

That's so heartbreaking, especially after all the good times you shared together :(


Commonwealth said:
I am lucky for I took two of the three cats. As sad as it sounds they are the closest things to friends I got. One should never underestimate the companionship of a pet.

It doesn't sound sad at all. Pets can be the most wonderful companions, and I'm so glad you have your cats.


Commonwealth said:
I take some happiness away from music, literature and walks in the forest behind my apartment and around the nature trails surrounding the area.

You're finding happiness in the right places. Music can be so comforting, and being close to nature does wonders for the human spirit.


futurecatlady said:
Commonwealth, I am really sorry you had to go through that. I can't imagine what it feels like. However, I also admire you. I did not detect a single hint of bitterness or spite, which too many people tend to slip into after encountering difficult times. You sound like a good person with a full heart. I also marvel at the fact that you were able to lose so much weight--that is very, very hard to do, and something you should be proud of. You are still young, and you seem like the type of person who has quite the future ahead of him. Hugs, and good luck with everything in your life. We are all here to provide whatever support that we can.

Thank you futurecatlady - your post said everything I wanted to say to Commonwealth, but much more eloquently than I could have!


Commonwealth said:
i came back to our home the day she returned from her trip and she cried at first sight of me and i rubbed her back and comforted her that everything was going to be alright,Everything wasn't going to be alright because she was leaving but i didn't want her to be upset.

This is just what futurecatlady was talking about. You are a good caring person, with a kind and sympathetic heart.


I admire you for sharing such a personal letter with us. As others have said, it's very moving and very poetic. My eyes are all misty right now
cryingq.gif
Once again, you've demonstrated that you have a heart of gold.


Commonwealth said:
What ever happens I want you to find me in ten or fifteen years.I want to hear about how good of a mother I know you will be and that you were happy.

I with pure, transparent love, view the you the way I would view a butterfly, and allow you to fly away freely.You are a very special person and I wish you the greatest life any human being can ever have.

So moving... I'm in tears now
cryingq.gif


You remind me of William Blake's poem:

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.


You are kissing the joy as it flies...

Please continue to visit and keep posting here. We're here to support you in whatever ways we can.
 
Your letter was so touching. I wish there was simple cure for the pain, aside from time and activity, I don't think there is one. It's good that you can open yourself like this. Sometimes sharing the pain lessens it's burden, if only just a little.... Reach out to others in here. A lot of kindness and compassion post here...
 
So i had a decent couple of weeks,found a new girl and i thought we really fell in love,or at least i did.I got messages from her ex that they were getting back together and that they meet up before i came to see her one day and that he felt that i should know.Now she won't answer my calls or talk to me,I felt as if i was just getting my head above water and now i'm tunneling down again.
 
I can tell you've put a lot of thought into that post. Good chance to organise your thoughts. Dealing with a broken heart on top of unemployment in a fickle economy has to be extremely difficult. I hope you pull through. Your letter to her reminded me of mine. Sure brought back some memories.
 
Ohh, that made me feel so sad.

You obviously have a lot a LOT of love in your heart, Commonweath. Both your mother, your friends and your partner... you've shown unconditional love to.

But! Do not fear, it's obvious your fraternity loves you back, and cares for you, which is lovely.

In an odd way, well done on the weight loss, I'm glad you're feeling more posative about the way you look, and can even poke fun at yourself (you talked about ciggs aiding weight loss).

You're clearly a clever and driven fella, and unfortunately, as oarivan said, it's a poor economy. Are there any places available where you could try out as a part-time temp? In the field you're interested in? Maybe stoke the flames of ambition in your heart by dabbling in what you love?

Sadly, I cannot offer much advice for the ol'ticker. Other than cliches about time being a healer et al. But, the two of you obviously aren't right AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME (I am not saying 'ever'; just to clarify)... but if you focus on making yourself feeling better and maybe getting a bit of cash in your pocket, you'll get to the place where you love yourself and you are loved back? Maybe some work experience will give you opportunities to meet new people, not necessarily romantic interests, but also, friends etc? You obviously are very skilled and compassionate, so customer assistance could be good for you? Coffee shops, supermarkets, etc? Only small, but you can work up and up and also persue what you love on the other side. What about online jobs for design?

I wish you all the best. Please keep us updated.

from one broken heart to another, I hope you're well :) :)

Harriet
 

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