Enchanted Girl
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2010
- Messages
- 137
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My name is Elizabeth, but I like to go by Liz or Lizzie.
I am 24 years old and have been lonely more or less for my entire life. I started typing up stuff about my messed up past, which I never share even with friends I've known for years, and deleted it all. I just can't do it.
I struggle to open up with people. The list of my friends is as follows (it's gotten higher in the past week): There's my Mom, my brother, and my Dad, all of which I hardly ever talk to. There's my boyfriend who lives in Georgia, I live in California. And there's my best friend who I started speaking to again recently after us not hearing from one another in a few months. She lives in another country. Most of my social activity is on the internet and even in that sense, it is not thriving. Still, I have more friends now than I did in certain other periods of my life.
I post on forums, but I always act stand-offish and "intelligent", giving my opinions to things without actually getting personally involved with anyone. I often debate people and it's easier for me to debate. I see people getting emotional and upset during debates, but I usually feel calm. I'm behind this wall of opinions that doesn't allow anyone to get close to me. My opinions aren't me either and it keeps everyone distant from me. I don't want to debate here. I want to be emotional here. I'm getting scared that I can't open up to people like that anymore. Even with my boyfriend and things, he does most of the talking and I listen to him a lot. It's very comfortable for me. And I'm so convinced that no one gives a crap about anything that I have to say that when I actually do talk about myself, I say things like,"Yea, whatever, I know you don't care." Over and over again compulsively and if the other person doesn't argue with me, then I stop talking. Either that or I just trail off mid-sentence.
I daydream a whole lot. I am a writer, I write every day. I got a huge wake-up call when I decided to research what writers thought was the worst part of writing. I was shocked by the results. I thought they were going to say that coming up with plot lines or being disciplined about writing every day or something was the hardest part of it. In fact, my answer was probably one of those things (I hadn't decided yet), but they all said,"It's the loneliness." I didn't even notice a difference. My life was just as lonely before I started writing. It made me cry.
Most of my "friends" are imaginary people. Like I said, I love to daydream. Sometimes it gets difficult for me to talk to people because I am lost in another world in my head.
I have mental problems from my messed up past and I struggle with those and they sometimes make me seem kind of weird to people. I've told you guys much more about myself already than I ever tell other people.
I would like to make friends here. I don't care if they are internet friends. That's fine with me as long as I'm just not alone. Now the tears are coming to my eyes. >_< I just know friendships end and that someday my friendship with my best friend will end, my parents will die, my brother will get married and move away, and maybe my boyfriend will leave me (although I'm counting on him not doing that since we've been together 5 years) and I could be completely isolated from the world. It scares the crap out of me because I'd have absolutely no way of recovering from that.
I also read a thread about people being afraid to open up on here. LOL, I am the same as everyone else, I can listen, but struggle to talk about myself. If any of you want to talk to me about anything, even though we are strangers, then go ahead. I do not care. You'd actually make my day if you PMed me with something like that. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
I am 24 years old and have been lonely more or less for my entire life. I started typing up stuff about my messed up past, which I never share even with friends I've known for years, and deleted it all. I just can't do it.
I struggle to open up with people. The list of my friends is as follows (it's gotten higher in the past week): There's my Mom, my brother, and my Dad, all of which I hardly ever talk to. There's my boyfriend who lives in Georgia, I live in California. And there's my best friend who I started speaking to again recently after us not hearing from one another in a few months. She lives in another country. Most of my social activity is on the internet and even in that sense, it is not thriving. Still, I have more friends now than I did in certain other periods of my life.
I post on forums, but I always act stand-offish and "intelligent", giving my opinions to things without actually getting personally involved with anyone. I often debate people and it's easier for me to debate. I see people getting emotional and upset during debates, but I usually feel calm. I'm behind this wall of opinions that doesn't allow anyone to get close to me. My opinions aren't me either and it keeps everyone distant from me. I don't want to debate here. I want to be emotional here. I'm getting scared that I can't open up to people like that anymore. Even with my boyfriend and things, he does most of the talking and I listen to him a lot. It's very comfortable for me. And I'm so convinced that no one gives a crap about anything that I have to say that when I actually do talk about myself, I say things like,"Yea, whatever, I know you don't care." Over and over again compulsively and if the other person doesn't argue with me, then I stop talking. Either that or I just trail off mid-sentence.
I daydream a whole lot. I am a writer, I write every day. I got a huge wake-up call when I decided to research what writers thought was the worst part of writing. I was shocked by the results. I thought they were going to say that coming up with plot lines or being disciplined about writing every day or something was the hardest part of it. In fact, my answer was probably one of those things (I hadn't decided yet), but they all said,"It's the loneliness." I didn't even notice a difference. My life was just as lonely before I started writing. It made me cry.
Most of my "friends" are imaginary people. Like I said, I love to daydream. Sometimes it gets difficult for me to talk to people because I am lost in another world in my head.
I have mental problems from my messed up past and I struggle with those and they sometimes make me seem kind of weird to people. I've told you guys much more about myself already than I ever tell other people.
I would like to make friends here. I don't care if they are internet friends. That's fine with me as long as I'm just not alone. Now the tears are coming to my eyes. >_< I just know friendships end and that someday my friendship with my best friend will end, my parents will die, my brother will get married and move away, and maybe my boyfriend will leave me (although I'm counting on him not doing that since we've been together 5 years) and I could be completely isolated from the world. It scares the crap out of me because I'd have absolutely no way of recovering from that.
I also read a thread about people being afraid to open up on here. LOL, I am the same as everyone else, I can listen, but struggle to talk about myself. If any of you want to talk to me about anything, even though we are strangers, then go ahead. I do not care. You'd actually make my day if you PMed me with something like that. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
