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Carlito

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I've accepted that I will never be loved. I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me. I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor. I have no redeeming features.

It's killing me. I want to just die. If I could, I would've killed myself by now, I wouldn't even have come asking for advice now. However, I can't kill myself, not yet. My parents are still alive and it would crush them if I died. I've already put them through a lot, being such a failure and disappointment when they worked so hard to make me the best I can be, I just can't do that to them. So, I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself until they pass away, which is a long time from now. However, the pain of my loneliness and inferiority make every day a living hell for me. Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?
 
I don't know what to tell you Carlito, aside from it doesn't matter how you look, act, what talents or funds you lack, you are doing well enough to come in here and write a very straight forward message showing compassion and love for your parents. You're worth a lot more than you realize.

Join in here, folks have many different issues and concerns. It could well help to, if not numb the lonliness, at least it can distract you from it and help you feel a bit more connected to others. A lot of folks attest to gaining enough confidence from their on-line friendships that it has acted as a catalyst for them to feel more confidence in themselves and alter their perspective about themselves. It's worth a try.

I'm always open to making a new pal so PM me if you'd ever like to talk.
 
You really don't sound retarded, you sound more like a person who is very critical of himself, and that's one thing stupid people NEVER do.
Also, you reached out for help, that's VERY smart.
I am sorry you feel like that.

There is this beautiful beautiful film, called "Wings of Desire", don't know if you have seen it. It starts in Berlin, and you see all these people living really horrible lives and contemplating suicide in very different ways, and there is this guy, he's an angel, and he, invisible, would go near those persons, and instantly their thoughts would start to change, and they would start thinking "but why I am so desperate? Something can happen, something can change" and get all optimistic (not in a cheesy way).
Well, I just wish you can get an angel like that near, or, in absence of that, can rent that movie, just because it's really very hard and beautiful.




sorry, if you can't find it in a rental shop - find it here
http://www.kickasstorrents.com/himmel-uber-berlin-wings-of-desire-dvdrip-engsoftsub-t902181.html
(you need bittorrent or others, in case you don't use these things)
 
Carlito said:
.........................
Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?

Psychotherapy, Psychology have helped me a lot with similar problems ... I found therapists who gave me discounts and Viktor Frankl as the greatest author in this field ... and I think you definitely have resources to get rid of the bad opinion about yourself
 
i agree with what the others said. the fact that you show compassion for your parents feelings and that you are reaching out for help by posting here is great. i look at that as you being better than you are giving yourself credit for.
 
I feel this way too. =/
I really want to die, but my parents are still alive, and I always wish that they had a different child than myself. They're such great parents and have put up with me so well, supported me, spoiled me, but I'm just so depressed and moody, nothing they ever expected. I always think about how I could take a kid who never got to live life and they could have taken mine, I know they would make much out of it more than I have done. I think I'm such a good person (I never say that), but it's such a waste, because I'm unhappy and I just wish I were dead...
 
Carlito said:
Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?

That whole bit that you typed up there, could have came from me.
I would offer a solution to all of your problems if I could, but I can't.
I have no answers for others - or even myself.
I have been there, and sometimes, I feel that I am still there.
It's tough.
But...if you hang in there, I think, you'll make it.
There comes a point where it just hurts so ******* much...sososomuch...
Like you feel your heart has just been ripped out of your chest and it just hurts to breathe.
But...hang in there, look towards the day-to-day, and find goals and prove it to yourself that you can do it.
Maybe you'll find peace along the way.
 
You're worth a lot more than you realize.

I don't know how much I am worth. I only know that the absolute majority of people are worth far far more.

Psychotherapy, Psychology

Most psychotherapists and psychologists in this country are bored cynical old people who will either humiliate me and send me home, force me to take drugs or lock me up. Or any combination of thereof. They're also expensive. I'm not willing to take that risk and besides, a psychotherapist is not going to change the fact that I am ugly and unskilled.

I'm not looking for a solution anymore. I've looked enough - I know there isn't one. What I'm looking for is a painkiller - a way to numb the pain just long enough for me not to hurt my parents.
 
Carlito said:
I only know that the absolute majority of people are worth far far more.

I hate the way that society enforces its definitions of "worth" on people:

* A so-called attractive person is apparently "worth" more than a so-called ugly person.
* A socially confident extroverted person is apparently "worth" more than a quiet shy introverted person.
* A billionaire is apparently "worth" more than a poverty-stricken homeless person.
* Someone who plays in a popular rock band is apparently "worth" more than someone who cleans out the drains.
* Someone who achieves high marks in school/college is apparently "worth" more than someone who doesn't.
* Someone who has a successful career is apparently "worth" more than someone who doesn't.
* Someone who is naturally talented at sports/art/whatever is apparently "worth" more than someone who isn't.

And so on. An endless list of stupid definitions of "worth".

I say, fresia those definitions of "worth" (apologies for my language, but I feel so strongly about this). Who the hell has the right to judge anyone in this way? Modern society is so blind and twisted in so many ways. Unselfishness, gratitude, honesty, patience, compassion - now there are some true definitions of worth. One tiny grain of any of these qualities is worth infinitely more than any of the stupid definitions in the list above.

Carlito, I know you're suffering, but I strongly recommend that you fight hard against society's definitions of "worth", and this completely unjustified and externally-imposed sense of worthlessness that you feel.


Carlito said:
I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me.

This is also a complete and total lie. Supposed inferiority/superiority to other people has absolutely nothing to do with love whatsoever.

Here's something I posted a couple of months ago:

QuietGuy said:
futurecatlady said:
I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)

I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.

But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.
 
QuietGuy

Please, don't think I am jealous, I am truly happy for you. It's just that I cannot relate to you even a tiniest bit. I've read and heard many such success stories and could never relate to the person breaking away from loneliness - all those people always had at least one good\attractive feature, even if it were something as simple as having non-repulsive looks or having normal social skills.
I know I'm unlovable, I'm tired of running away from that truth. Now I just need ways to cope with it.
 
Carlito - You're dangerously near the black hole of despair and hopelessness. I'm reaching out my hand to you, to save you. Grab hold of my hand. I want to stop you falling any further than you already have, and I want to help you to climb out again.

Carlito said:
Nobody likes me and I hate myself.

Can you see the vicious cycle here? If you continue hating yourself, nobody will ever like you, and this will perpetuate your hate forever. The only way to break this endless downward spiral into darkness is to stop hating yourself. And the way to do that is to break free of your delusions, which is what I'm trying to help you do.


Carlito said:
without connections personal or career success is nigh impossible. I literally have yet to meet a person who didn't find a job using their or their relatives' network of friends.

Well now you've met such a person. I found both my current job and my previous job by looking in local newspapers and applying online. You don't need connections / networks of friends to find a job.


Carlito said:
all those people always had at least one good\attractive feature

Somewhere buried deep inside you, even thought you may refuse to believe it, you have a unique mix of all these good/attractive features - unselfishness, gratitude, honesty, patience, compassion, etc. Everyone does. It's what makes us human. So stop hating yourself, dig up these good qualities that you've buried, and start letting them shine.


Carlito said:
I know I'm unlovable [...] I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor.

Love has got nothing to do with any of that. I wouldn't fall in love with a girl just because she's sexy, socially confident, talented and rich. I wouldn't care if she didn't have any of those features. I care about the qualities in a person's heart. That's what gives someone their true worth.

Look at what the other members of this forum have said to you:

SophiaGrace said:
Dont buy into your own tomfoolery that you arent good enough to be loved. That is pish-posh. You deserve to be loved.

Nina said:
it doesn't matter how you look, act, what talents or funds you lack, you are doing well enough to come in here and write a very straight forward message showing compassion and love for your parents. You're worth a lot more than you realize.

Peaches said:
You really don't sound retarded, you sound more like a person who is very critical of himself, and that's one thing stupid people NEVER do. Also, you reached out for help, that's VERY smart.

edgecrusher said:
i agree with what the others said. the fact that you show compassion for your parents feelings and that you are reaching out for help by posting here is great. i look at that as you being better than you are giving yourself credit for.

Are you beginning to understand? Your belief that you're unlovable is a delusion, and the quicker we can help you break free of that delusion, the better.

Sorry if I've been a bit harsh or blunt in this post, but it's absolutely vital for you to break free of these suffocating lies that you believe about yourself.
 
If you continue hating yourself, nobody will ever like you

This isn't true. There was a period in my life when I was generally very happy with myself. It was the period when I first realized that my lifestyle was wrong and started doing something about it. People still didn't like me and in retrospect, I can see why - again, because I have nothing to like me for.

I found both my current job and my previous job by looking in local newspapers and applying online. You don't need connections / networks of friends to find a job.

You don't live where I live - it's very different in here. But yeah, I'm sure I'll find something. Finding a job is one of my lesser concerns anyway.

even thought you may refuse to believe it, you have a unique mix of all these good/attractive features

And that alone is obviously not enough to make people want to hang out with a person whose appearance is off-putting and who can't hold a conversation. It's not a matter of believing. It's a matter of reality.

Your belief that you're unlovable is a delusion, and the quicker we can help you break free of that delusion

How is that a delusion? Everywhere around I see people having friendships, helping each other out, falling in love with each other. Whenever I approach another person trying to do the same, they always withdraw. They can't even fathom being friends or lovers with a person like me. You wouldn't believe how humiliated I felt after I asked for advice on a russian dating site forum - I was told by multiple people that with "unfortunate" looks like mine I probably don't have a chance at all, unless I'm willing to accept a gold-digging woman (which is out of the question because I'm not even rich). When I went to a relationship help forum to ask about fixing my bad social skills and inability to have a conversation, I was told to "Just let the conversation flow. Just talk. And if you can't, then you're just not meant to". My past several years are full of such situations. People here value brutal honesty and they're being brutally honest in telling me that I am completely unattractive, inferior and unlovable.
 
Carlito said:
There was a period in my life when I was generally very happy with myself. It was the period when I first realized that my lifestyle was wrong and started doing something about it.

Yes, I know, you told us about that in your first post:

Carlito said:
I used to be a spoiled socially isolated kid who would stay inside all day and play videogames, and I never felt bad. Then I finally realized I was living a lifestyle I couldn't support and tried to get out.

I used to be a heavy gamer myself. For example, I used to spend hours and hours playing multiplayer Halo online. I was really addicted to it. It started to invade the rest of my life, blurring the boundary between reality and fantasy. For example, I became really quite good at gunning down players with the pistol (a powerful weapon if you have good accuracy). But I found that when I went out into the real world and mixed with the general public, I would start imagining gunning them down with a pistol too. That really freaked me out bad, and I quickly stopped playing the game.

So I understand what it's like to enjoy spending all your time inside, playing videogames. You feel safe in your own little world. Unfortunately, that's not at all healthy socially, so I'm very glad you realised that when you did.

You mentioned "brutal honesty" in your latest post. Well here's the brutal honesty about your situation. There most definitely is hope for you, but unfortunately you're going to have to work hard on some things, eg. your social skills. There's no quick fix, no shortcut. You just have to start taking little small steps, gradually building up your skills and confidence, step by step. It's a slow process, but it's the only way. I've been spending the last two years taking lots of very little steps socially, forcing myself out of my comfort zone, forcing myself to find the courage to take new risks. Each step was very small, but in two years, I've come a very long way. And this is the process you need to begin. It'll take time, but you can do it, with our support.


Carlito said:
Your belief that you're unlovable is a delusion, and the quicker we can help you break free of that delusion

How is that a delusion? Everywhere around I see people having friendships, helping each other out, falling in love with each other.

You need to distinguish between the honeysuckle that life has handed you so far, and the actual fundamental truth about yourself. You're 21 now. Before I was 21, I'd never had a girlfriend. That didn't mean I was unlovable. I'd watched all my other friends get partnered up over the years, while I remained single. I was happy for them, but it was ******* painful as hell for me. I would go out at night and cry for hours on an isolated bench, alone in the darkness. So I know what the pain feels like. And when I finally did find my first girlfriend, part of my mind absolutely refused to believe the concept that she could love me. I thought, this is some kind of cruel joke she's playing on me, isn't it? But no, she really did love me.


Carlito said:
You wouldn't believe how humiliated I felt after I asked for advice on a russian dating site forum - I was told by multiple people that with "unfortunate" looks like mine I probably don't have a chance at all [...] When I went to a relationship help forum to ask about fixing my bad social skills and inability to have a conversation, I was told to "Just let the conversation flow. Just talk. And if you can't, then you're just not meant to". My past several years are full of such situations. People here value brutal honesty and they're being brutally honest in telling me that I am completely unattractive, inferior and unlovable.

Brutal "honesty"?? Sounds like brutal ******* cruelty and lies to me. Get that poison out of your head right now. Sounds like those forums were filled with a bunch of uncaring insensitive ********. I'm truly sorry that you had to listen to their so-called "advice". Still, at least you're on this forum now, where people really are caring, sensitive and understanding, and will continue to support you for as long as you stay.
 
Carlito said:
I was told by multiple people ....

Carlito said:
I was told to ...

Carlito said:
...they're being brutally honest in telling me that I am completely unattractive, inferior and unlovable.


It seems that you so easily believe those that tell you what you are already determined to believe and you easily write off what all the people here have told you. That isn't unusual but don't discount QuietGuy and the rest so quickly. You are not the only person who has felt that way and it isn't a great place to be. Yet as long as you are determined that you are uniquely hopeless, you can be comfortable in rejecting taking actions to change things. Right now your beliefs are probably the biggest thing holding you back. As QuietGuy said "there's no quick fix, no shortcut" but progress can be made.
 
QuietGuy, please, tell me your story. I hope so much that I can relate to you.

Minus

you so easily believe those that tell you what you are already determined to believe and you easily write off what all the people here have told you

I don't easily write it off - I just don't easily accept it because to do so would go against the reality of my life. I've already had my deal of sweet lies come crashing down on my head to know that empty positive thinking is not the answer. Even if I am going to go out looking for a solution again, I will do so keeping in mind the fact that I really am inferior to the average person, because that is something which has been observed by me and by the people closest to me and which I failed to disprove.

you are determined that you are uniquely hopeless

No, no I'm not. I've met several older people who had all the same problems as me.

"there's no quick fix, no shortcut" but progress can be made

The very reason I gave up is because I've been doing my best for almost two years and achieved no progress. It's a prevailing theme in my life - unlike normal people, for me effort most of the time does not produce any results or produces negative ones.
 
Carlito said:
I've accepted that I will never be loved. I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me. I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor. I have no redeeming features.

It's killing me. I want to just die. If I could, I would've killed myself by now, I wouldn't even have come asking for advice now. However, I can't kill myself, not yet. My parents are still alive and it would crush them if I died. I've already put them through a lot, being such a failure and disappointment when they worked so hard to make me the best I can be, I just can't do that to them. So, I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself until they pass away, which is a long time from now. However, the pain of my loneliness and inferiority make every day a living hell for me. Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?

Please don't kill yourself. I have attempted it and survived and have lived in pain for many years until I found the right attitude to handle the negatives in my life. Now I'm so glad that I survived.

It took years of effort to change my perspective but it was worth it. I have learned how to see the glass half full instead of half empty and you can do it too. Life seems worth living if you can truly appreciate all that is going right in your world. The fact that the air we breath is fresh, that the food we eat is delicious, that the bed we sleep in is clean, and that we are healthy are reason to smile everyday.

Just from your post I can see that you have several good traits: 1) you spell well, 2) write clearly, 3) are compassionate because you care about your parent's feelings, 4) are logical, because you are looking for a way to manage, 5) are educated, because your grammar is excellent, and 6) have high standards, because you are rating yourself so low.

The book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers was a fantastic motivator. It is filled with exercises and practicial advise on how to live happily no matter what life throws at you.

Try reading www.greatday.com everyday for an uplifting affirmation that will help you cope. Here's one that may take away some hopelessness:

"Even if you have nothing else, you have something more precious than the purest gold, more rare, and desirable than the brightest diamond. You have life.

You can sense, you can think and you can reason. You can make decisions and then act on them.

You can make a difference, no matter what. Even if you were to lose everything else, you would still retain the ability to become the person you decide to become and to live in the way you have determined to live.

At times it may seem that the whole world is agasint you. But that assessment is based on past history, and the past does not equal the future.

That's becasue you stand solidly in the present. You're able to break free of whatever has happened in the past and to create your future in the way you desire.

Today, in this moment, in this place, you have life, and the countless possibilities it brings. Truly appreciate what you have, and with it you can do spectacular things."
***************************
Here are some people who were able to take their seemingly hopeless situations and make them into something beautiful:

Susan Boyle, a homely, older lady, became wildly famous on Britains Got Talent, for her fantastic voice. She had 103 million views on YouTube and now has record deals.

Danny Devito is short and ugly. Yet he acheived fame and is rich and has an attractive wife.

Steven Hawking leads an extraordinary life and has a loving wife and he is a quadriplegic who cannot talk, is forever in a wheelchair, and is ugly. He had all the reasons in the world to kill himself yet his strong positive outlook keeps him going. Last year he won the Presidential Medal of Honor, the highest civilian honor in the US.

Christopher Reeves, once a handsome leading man, lost it all in an accident, leaving him a quadriplegic with no movie career. His wife stood by him. He found a will to live by dedicating the rest of his life to raising funds for spinal injury research.

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I hope this helps you. Please feel free to write me if you want support. I completely understand your feelings.

Sincerely, with a hug...
 

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Carlito, my friend, (if you allow me to call you so) No matter what any one here says the only one that will fix your issues (if you want them fixed that is! and I'm guessing you do, otherwise you wouldn't have posted anything)is your self with your attitude. I've read the entire thread and for every good advise or positive response you find something negative and with that attitude nothing is ever going to change. It all comes from within. I trully hope you feel better soon and that you allow in your heart some of the excellent advise offered by some of the previous posts. Have a nice day :)
 
Life seems worth living if you can truly appreciate all that is going right in your world. The fact that the air we breath is fresh, that the food we eat is delicious, that the bed we sleep in is clean, and that we are healthy are reason to smile everyday.

I appreciate all those things. Materially, I'm more well-off that most people in my country - my parents spent their whole fortune to let their children live in the best conditions possible. It's all good, but those are two different matters whatsoever. When I'm going home from the gym, enjoying the pleasant tiredness after the workout, the warm autumn air and the quiet atmosphere of my neighborhood, I feel good. But it can go away in an instant if I pass a girl I really like. It's an instant reminder of that one important thing in life that it seems I'm just not allowed to have.

Susan Boyle, a homely, older lady, became wildly famous on Britains Got Talent, for her fantastic voice.

She is talented. I've tried to develop talents and not only have I failed - I was regularly laughed at and told to stop trying - something no one else that I know has ever experienced in such volume.

Danny Devito is short and ugly. Yet he acheived fame and is rich and has an attractive wife.

He is not ugly. He is not the stereotypical handsome hollywood actor, but he's as far from ugly as I am from handsome. In fact, I know at least three girls, all aged between 15 and 20, who are huge fans of Danny DeVito and consider him very good-looking.

Steven Hawking leads an extraordinary life and has a loving wife and he is a quadriplegic who cannot talk

He wasn't born quadriplegic and before he became ill, he was living a blessed life, he already had everything: extraordinary intelligence, good looks, high physical prowess, love. What happened to him is truly horrible, but the suffering and loss of others never eases my own pain.

Christopher Reeves

Again, someone who had everything and lost almost all of it. I never had anything in my life, so I can't relate.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being overly negative and I'll leave if this is against the rules of the forum, but it's extremely hard to relate to other people's happy stories when every such person has some sort of advantage in life, while the reason I'm suffering in life is exactly that I have no advantages, no redeeming features, no good sides, only flaws.

for every good advise or positive response you find something negative and with that attitude nothing is ever going to change

This is a realistic attitude. I was very optimistic when I set out to change myself. I met every failure with positive thoughts. thinking that if this particular way is no good, then some other must work. And then I just ran out of ways. All doors were closed. It's not a bad attitude - it's bad experience. And if finding further motivation requires lying to myself and denying my own experience, observed by others as well, then I would rather just die. I don't want to become a hypocrite.

If you believe in God, pray to Him to take you that way you won't have to commit suicide.

I'm not a person of faith. Even if I did convince myself to believe in God, I would have trouble believing that he truly loves me (and that's something I've also tried, so it's not just empty words). After all, many of my problems are the result of the stupid stupid mistakes I've made during my childhood early youth - I've thrown away my own life unknowingly. So, even if I find it in myself to become religious, I'd be too afraid of the Christian god to become a Christian.
 
Carlito said:
I've accepted that I will never be loved. I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me. I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor. I have no redeeming features.

It's killing me. I want to just die. If I could, I would've killed myself by now, I wouldn't even have come asking for advice now. However, I can't kill myself, not yet. My parents are still alive and it would crush them if I died. I've already put them through a lot, being such a failure and disappointment when they worked so hard to make me the best I can be, I just can't do that to them. So, I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself until they pass away, which is a long time from now. However, the pain of my loneliness and inferiority make every day a living hell for me. Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?


Stop calling yourself ugly! You're not! Ok, so maybe you don't look like a movie star, but it doesn't mean that you don't have ANY attractive features. Beauty is in the details, and there is no person in this world that is completely ugly as you think you are. You go to the gym. That means you are trying to be fit (or you already are) and that's very attractive if you ask me. Look at your eyes in the mirror – they have a tiny spark of life in them, and if that's not beautiful then i don't know what is. Don't be so negative about yourself, and you will learn that big part of being ugly or beautiful is your attitude. Look at yourself and try to find three things that are not ugly – maybe your lips, eyes, your hands… whatever. There is something, and don't tell me otherwise becouse every person in the world has something nice in their appearance. Every single person in the world, and yes – even YOU! Trust me on that. Think about those parts of yourself and you might start to feel just a little better. You will not turn into prince charming, but it might help you to gain some self esteem. As long as you think so bad of yourself, other people will too, becouse it shows, even if you are not aware of that.
You also said that you are not talented for anything you tried. So what? If you like doing something, it doesn't matter if you are excellent or bad at it. You don't need to be supersecessful in doing it, that's not the point at all. If you enjoy something, just do it – the time you spend trying and doing it is much more valuable than the result. There must be something you like to do. I say – go for it. My sister is the living example of that – she is terrible in drawing, but still – she does it every day. Her drawings are not good, in fact they look like some 4 year old kid did them, but it doesn't matter. The important thing here is that she's spending her time the way she wants and it makes her happy. You try to do the same. Just don't stop trying. One day, I'm sure, you will find something you are good at and that you will see the results of your work, but in the meantime, just do whatever it is that you like doing. If you enjoy it, then nothing should stop you from it.
Please, don't give up. Numb life is not something you will ever learn. It doesn't go that way. And it shouldn't. You are a living person and it's normal to feel everything – even the pain you feel right now. Yes, life is very cruel and hard for some people, but you must fight for your place under the sun. We all do. As long as you fight, there is hope that something good will happen. Giving up and being numb is not the answer. Never will be. And right now, at this very moment you are fighting – to stay here for your parents. That means you are NOT worthless at all. Just the opposite. That is very brave and smart thing to do. See – you do have good qualities - just stop refusing to recognize them. And obviously you are far away from being socialy retarded - the way you can express your true feelings here and talk to people is not retarded at all. So, there you go...
You are not alone – just go trough this site and you will see that. Whenever you feel bad, just login and you will find that there are people willing to help you becouse you are worth the effort. And love. You definitely deserve love and if you give yourself a chance, it will happen. When or where – it doesn't matter – it will happen if you let it. Just keep trying and don't ever give up. Please – just don't give up.
 

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