I've accepted that I will never be loved. I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me. I am ugly, socially retarded, talentless and poor. I have no redeeming features.
It's killing me. I want to just die. If I could, I would've killed myself by now, I wouldn't even have come asking for advice now. However, I can't kill myself, not yet. My parents are still alive and it would crush them if I died. I've already put them through a lot, being such a failure and disappointment when they worked so hard to make me the best I can be, I just can't do that to them. So, I've decided that I'm not going to kill myself until they pass away, which is a long time from now. However, the pain of my loneliness and inferiority make every day a living hell for me. Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?
I don't know what to tell you Carlito, aside from it doesn't matter how you look, act, what talents or funds you lack, you are doing well enough to come in here and write a very straight forward message showing compassion and love for your parents. You're worth a lot more than you realize.
Join in here, folks have many different issues and concerns. It could well help to, if not numb the lonliness, at least it can distract you from it and help you feel a bit more connected to others. A lot of folks attest to gaining enough confidence from their on-line friendships that it has acted as a catalyst for them to feel more confidence in themselves and alter their perspective about themselves. It's worth a try.
I'm always open to making a new pal so PM me if you'd ever like to talk.
09-02-2010, 06:34 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-02-2010, 06:45 AM by Peaches.)
You really don't sound retarded, you sound more like a person who is very critical of himself, and that's one thing stupid people NEVER do.
Also, you reached out for help, that's VERY smart.
I am sorry you feel like that.
There is this beautiful beautiful film, called "Wings of Desire", don't know if you have seen it. It starts in Berlin, and you see all these people living really horrible lives and contemplating suicide in very different ways, and there is this guy, he's an angel, and he, invisible, would go near those persons, and instantly their thoughts would start to change, and they would start thinking "but why I am so desperate? Something can happen, something can change" and get all optimistic (not in a cheesy way).
Well, I just wish you can get an angel like that near, or, in absence of that, can rent that movie, just because it's really very hard and beautiful.
sorry, if you can't find it in a rental shop - find it here
(you need bittorrent or others, in case you don't use these things)
09-02-2010, 07:01 AM
(This post was last modified: 09-02-2010, 07:07 AM by Pasha Selim.)
(09-01-2010, 08:21 PM)Carlito Wrote: .........................
Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?
Psychotherapy, Psychology have helped me a lot with similar problems ... I found therapists who gave me discounts and Viktor Frankl as the greatest author in this field ... and I think you definitely have resources to get rid of the bad opinion about yourself
i agree with what the others said. the fact that you show compassion for your parents feelings and that you are reaching out for help by posting here is great. i look at that as you being better than you are giving yourself credit for.
"Once you assume a creator and a plan, it makes us objects in an experiment." - Christopher Hitchens
I feel this way too. =/
I really want to die, but my parents are still alive, and I always wish that they had a different child than myself. They're such great parents and have put up with me so well, supported me, spoiled me, but I'm just so depressed and moody, nothing they ever expected. I always think about how I could take a kid who never got to live life and they could have taken mine, I know they would make much out of it more than I have done. I think I'm such a good person (I never say that), but it's such a waste, because I'm unhappy and I just wish I were dead...
(09-01-2010, 08:21 PM)Carlito Wrote: Does anybody know of a way to numb it? To get rid of it so that I can live out my time in peace?
That whole bit that you typed up there, could have came from me.
I would offer a solution to all of your problems if I could, but I can't.
I have no answers for others - or even myself.
I have been there, and sometimes, I feel that I am still there.
But...if you hang in there, I think, you'll make it.
There comes a point where it just hurts so fucking much...sososomuch...
Like you feel your heart has just been ripped out of your chest and it just hurts to breathe.
But...hang in there, look towards the day-to-day, and find goals and prove it to yourself that you can do it.
Maybe you'll find peace along the way.
Quote:You're worth a lot more than you realize.
I don't know how much I am worth. I only know that the absolute majority of people are worth far far more.
Most psychotherapists and psychologists in this country are bored cynical old people who will either humiliate me and send me home, force me to take drugs or lock me up. Or any combination of thereof. They're also expensive. I'm not willing to take that risk and besides, a psychotherapist is not going to change the fact that I am ugly and unskilled.
I'm not looking for a solution anymore. I've looked enough - I know there isn't one. What I'm looking for is a painkiller - a way to numb the pain just long enough for me not to hurt my parents.
(09-05-2010, 06:22 PM)Carlito Wrote: I only know that the absolute majority of people are worth far far more.
the way that society enforces its definitions of "worth" on people:
* A so-called attractive person is apparently "worth" more than a so-called ugly person.
* A socially confident extroverted person is apparently "worth" more than a quiet shy introverted person.
* A billionaire is apparently "worth" more than a poverty-stricken homeless person.
* Someone who plays in a popular rock band is apparently "worth" more than someone who cleans out the drains.
* Someone who achieves high marks in school/college is apparently "worth" more than someone who doesn't.
* Someone who has a successful career is apparently "worth" more than someone who doesn't.
* Someone who is naturally talented at sports/art/whatever is apparently "worth" more than someone who isn't.
And so on. An endless list of stupid definitions of "worth".
I say, FUCK
those definitions of "worth" (apologies for my language, but I feel so strongly about this). Who the hell has the right to judge anyone in this way? Modern society is so blind and twisted in so many ways. Unselfishness, gratitude, honesty, patience, compassion - now there
are some true definitions of worth. One tiny grain of any of these qualities is worth infinitely more than any of the stupid definitions in the list above.
Carlito, I know you're suffering, but I strongly recommend that you fight hard against society's definitions of "worth", and this completely unjustified and externally-imposed sense of worthlessness that you feel.
(09-01-2010, 08:21 PM)Carlito Wrote: I'm just too inferior to the average person for anybody to love me.
This is also a complete and total lie
. Supposed inferiority/superiority to other people has absolutely nothing
to do with love whatsoever.
Here's something I posted
a couple of months ago:
(07-02-2010, 10:12 AM)QuietGuy Wrote:
(07-01-2010, 03:23 PM)futurecatlady Wrote: I can't really imagine anyone loving me (as self-pitying as that sounds)
I'll tell you something which will hopefully help. There was a time when I thought exactly the same thing as you - "I can't really imagine anyone loving me". What have I got to offer? Why would I interest any girl? I'm not George Clooney, I'm just plain old boring me.
But then, 6 years ago, I dated my first and only girlfriend. She would regularly send me the most wonderful heartfelt love letters imaginable. I would break down in tears just reading them. And I very slowly realised that, yes I'm just plain old boring me, but she loves me nevertheless.
"Good things come to those who... wait"
"I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
"I get knocked down, but I get up again - you're never going to keep me down"
"We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!"
"When your life's just a breeze in eternity, why not take this one chance to come fly with me?"
Please, don't think I am jealous, I am truly happy for you. It's just that I cannot relate to you even a tiniest bit. I've read and heard many such success stories and could never relate to the person breaking away from loneliness - all those people always had at least one good\attractive feature, even if it were something as simple as having non-repulsive looks or having normal social skills.
I know I'm unlovable, I'm tired of running away from that truth. Now I just need ways to cope with it.