Boyfriend told me to go and kill myself

Last night my boyfriend and I got into a horrible argument (over something really stupid but I think it's kind of...personal and maybe inappropriate to talk about on the forum).

He had this scary psychopathic look in his eyes that I have never seen from him and we've been dating almost two years now. I didn't feel like I did anything wrong at all, and I was just crying and crying my eyes out and he was acting like he totally did not care AT ALL. You wouldn't believe how cold he was. He just kept telling me to "GET OUT, GET OUT" of his house and threatening to throw me out and even call the police because I didn't want to leave...he even tried to man handle me out of the front door. I just wanted to sit down and TALK to him but he was being completely irrational and angry. He kept calling me "stupid" and "dense" and throwing all kinds of abusive hateful comments at me (again, over something really STUPID). He also yelled "WE'RE DONE!" etc...

Anyway, I told him something so personal many months ago (thinking I could trust him)...that I used to cut myself and one time I had slit my wrist and ended up in the emergency room, (and subsequently, the psych ward). During this argument, he threw that in my face telling me, "Get out! Go slit your wrist again I don't give a honeysuckle", when I started to cry. Now I wish I had never told him that at all.

I couldn't believe he said that to me...he claims to "love" me but how can you say something like that to someone you "love"? I could NEVER say anything like that to someone that I even passively care about on a platonic level (let alone in a romantic relationship with) no matter HOW angry I am.

He wanted me to leave so he could "cool off" from his anger, but I don't deal with issues in that way. I like to deal with the problem NOW and TALK about it. I was way too upset to drive back to my house in the middle of the night, which is like 20 minutes away.

We did make up that night and I stayed over and left his house this morning...he was acting all normal and kissing me and telling me "I love you" before I drove off. Is he just ******* crazy? Could you ever forgive someone who throws something in your face like that? That really hurt me so badly. I don't think I can ever forgive him. Since I will never forgive him for that most likely, maybe I should just end this? I just fear ending another relationship because before him I already went through a bad break-up.

What makes this all worse is that tomorrow is his birthday (Sep. 2nd) and even though he tried to act like nothing happened (he never even gave a real apology even though he knew he was in the wrong for blowing up like that), I don't know whether or not I should even say happy birthday or buy him anything. Maybe I should just ignore him now and let it fade away. I don't know.

I dont think you should act like nothing happened.

What he said to you was inexcusable and if he doesnt fall at your feet begging for your forgiveness you should think about leaving him. That is NOT something people say when they are mad at each other.

Forgive me if I am wrong here, but I remember once reading a post where you described him as being cold towards you.

If he is not even going to give you an apology he is not good enough for you.

Are you guys really young ? Like, under 25 ?

Maybe then it is maturity, but even a 13 year old knows not to say things like that.

You should tell him he has a really small penis. That would shut him up.

but I do think a cooling off period is a good idea.

I say skip his birthday, let him know hes not going to get away with it.

Make sure he knows what he said is over the line.

You are so much better than that

I hope this helped.

-K

SullenGirl--The fact that he gave you a look that frightened you could be a real warning. If he refuses to address this with an apology as well as some explanation of what was on his mind then I'd seriously think about ending it with him.


eris said...You should tell him he has a really small penis. That would shut him up.
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Pull that big gun right out!

I'm guilty of saying some really mean things when I've been angry. Mainly because someone's done or said something that really hurt me and my first instinct is to try and hurt them back so they'll leave me alone. Almost like a defensive thing.

You should take some quiet time away from him for a few days then have a sit down and tell him how badly saying that made you feel and how bad the whole argument made you feel. If he tries to brush it off and pretend it was nothing or gets all angry again, I'd give up on him.

Sometimes people don't realize how crappy they are making you feel, but the truth of the relationship comes when you voice it. Either they try to listen and try to make things right or get defensive and make you out to be the bad guy. Then you know where you stand.

I hope things work out for you.

Hmm,

Does this 'freak out' happen often? Or was this the first time in 2 years he's ever been that angry? Has he ever been violent?
If it's more than once then you should end the relationship.

Take a step back from the situation. Do you think he had the right to get mad at you?

He did feel bad about it and appologise.
He's only human, people make mistakes.
In my honest oppinion, I think you should give him another chance if he truely meant he was sorry.

Eh... He said some really messed up crap. But my understanding is... he said this after telling you that he was really angry and you needed to leave?

Look, I understand your desire to fix things immediately and move on with life. However... if somebody is saying he or she is so freaking angry, and needs to be alone... you should LEAVE. Thank goodness all he did was SAY something awful. What if he'd DONE something awful?

Most of us can recognize it when we get close to that point of, "If this doesn't stop now, I'm going to flip." You know when you're so stressed out that you're probably going to self mutilate. You know when you're so sad that you might get stuck in a dark depression. I have a condition that prevents me from feeling a lot, but I know when I'm so angry that I need to be alone until I cool off. If I tell you to get the heck away from me, I mean it. To me, the refusal to leave is extremely disrespectful and potentially dangerous for everybody involved.

Also. Telling somebody he has a small penis doesn't always help. Some guys even get off on that. Just sayin'.

I'm so sorry, that sounds like a terrible experience He should be made to understand just how much those words hurt you. If it gets buried, it will only become a source of pain inside you. Try to deal with it in a healthy, timely manner, and don't shy away. It's best to deal with these things head on, and to not let them fester.

Holy....

Wow.

That is SCARY. it's scary that he has that potenttial to get that out of control.

Now you see his potential.

Do you really want to stay with someone like that?

Maybe you weren't that far off when you said the word psychopath.

I'd get away from him. NOW. I would rather be alone than live with some that had that potential living inside of them.

I can tell you were pretty freaked out by what happened. Oh and his niceness afterwards seemed to me like he was afraid you'd leave (which would completely be justifiable in my mind) after he completely lost his honeysuckle. Somehow that wording doesnt seem to adequately cut it.

By what you've written he was completely vicious towards you.

It could happen again, no matter how much he apologizes....

and next time, it could be more than just words that he throws at you.

P.S.

The whole acting like nothing happened. wtf. that is another warning sign to me.

Geez, that's harsh. I'd run for hills. That's more than just an argument. He's angry about something. Angry and upset. To the bone.

As a person who suffers from implosive anger, I very, very rarely display anger, but when I do, I can barely control myself. I allow things to build up and fester inside of me trying to be nice, but when my threshold finally peaks, I can actually scare myself. All that being said, I still would never have told my wife, or gf in this case, to go kill herself. You need to take this situation seriously no matter what you decide, and don't just brush it under the rug.

I don't condone what he said or did in any way.. But just to put it in perspective.. I'm similar to Pair-O-Dox.. I rarely ever get angry, but when I do i usually feel it coming and take myself out of the situation. Again i don't condone it, but crying drive;s me insane.. I don't cry maybe thats why, and I don't mean crying because someones in real distress.. But someone balling for no reason (not to say their wasnt) just drives me.. You can't stop it, usually what their saying is incomprehensible.. I probably wouldnt make someone leave, but I wouldnt have been able to listen to it either...Iono.. Sorry if this dosent help at all or if I sound like a dick.. Just a diffrent side

Hi-
Dump him. Throwing a suicide attempt back in your face when you're already upset and vulnerable is verbal abuse. The "look" in his eye that you describe says he has violent tendencies. If I had a friend that told me to go and kill myself, I wouldn't put up with that - why should you put up with this? Are your instincts telling you to run away quickly? Then do it. fresia him and fresia his birthday tomorrow.

-Teresa

There's no excuse for someone to speak to another person, especially a significant other, in such a horrendous fashion. No excuse whatsoever.

If it were me, the relationship would be over. I wouldn't want to spend my life with someone who was capable of being so abusive, verbal or otherwise.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

when i was just a kid, i broke up with my first "love?" in a horrific fashion. i told her to die, that i never wanted to see her again, called her a bunch of horrible names. i yelled and raved with absolute rage in my voice and on my face. she left and laid down in the road and one of my friend's saw her and got her up. it was really bad, it took me a long time to forgive myself for treating someone like that. but, it's what i knew. having grown up in an abusive home. the instinct was to hurt those who would hurt you. a pre-emptive strike of sorts. shock and awe.

(((((SullenGirl)))))



That is cruel.
And to not even apologize even?
I mean, you even have to bring it up instead of him simply apologizing on his own accord.

The "eyes" itself would be enough to send me running...let alone, all of the barrage of verbal abuse on top of that despite you sobbing right. in. front. of. him.

fresia him and fresia his birthday tomorrow.

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+1

fresia him.
You deserve better.

nerdygirl said:

Eh... He said some really messed up crap. But my understanding is... he said this after telling you that he was really angry and you needed to leave?

Look, I understand your desire to fix things immediately and move on with life. However... if somebody is saying he or she is so freaking angry, and needs to be alone... you should LEAVE. Thank goodness all he did was SAY something awful. What if he'd DONE something awful?

Most of us can recognize it when we get close to that point of, "If this doesn't stop now, I'm going to flip." You know when you're so stressed out that you're probably going to self mutilate. You know when you're so sad that you might get stuck in a dark depression. I have a condition that prevents me from feeling a lot, but I know when I'm so angry that I need to be alone until I cool off. If I tell you to get the heck away from me, I mean it. To me, the refusal to leave is extremely disrespectful and potentially dangerous for everybody involved.

Also. Telling somebody he has a small penis doesn't always help. Some guys even get off on that. Just sayin'.

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First of all, thanks to everyone for your replies and advice.

To nerdygirl (@ bolded), this is actually what he said to me. I asked him why he wanted me to leave and he told me he needed to cool off, and that by not leaving I was "disrespecting him".

Firstly, I don't see how it's "disrespecting him". Maybe he was being disrespectful to ME and MY feelings by expecting me to get behind the wheel of a car when I am extremely upset. I can't drive when I'm angry (well I can, but recklessly), and he knows that. That's why when we go somewhere together and we don't know where we're going/how to get there, he usually drives because I will most likely get lost and frustrated.

I'm thinking maybe I should say exactly what the argument was about in order to clear things up here lol...it might be inappropriate for this forum, I don't know. You can just see how STUPID this argument was, and how he flipped out over NOTHING...

OK I'll try to word it in a more "PG" way...

We were "in bed", and I wanted him to do me a "favor" (wink wink). He suggested "69" and I refused (don't like that position). Then he started bitching because I didn't want to do something that was "mutually gratifying" and saying that I was being "selfish" (which is not the case, because I was going to do him a "favor" afterward...I don't have a problem with that). Then he went on to complain about how his jaw would hurt blahblahblah and that he already did it earlier that day (I guess there is a limit to once a day?)

So he eventually gave in and attempted the "favor" on me, and I had a bored look on my face because I was pissed at that point so he just said "fresia it" and got really pissed off because he thought I was "not even enjoying it".

And then from there everything went downhill. Over that stupid honeysuckle. Over SEX! He said I "insulted him" and that he was "really angry with me".

Again, I didn't think that I should have to appease a hot-headed little child who's having a temper tantrum and "leave his house" just because he's getting heated. I just wanted to have a conversation like two adults but apparently that was too much for him.

Some of you are right, maybe I should just say fresia it and leave. Clearly I don't have the "balls" to right now because I'm on a "lonely life" forum and I'm afraid of being alone...not so much that I'm afraid of being alone, but I just don't like the "broken heart" feeling. It's so devastating.

I always try to "work things out" but maybe this isn't worth "working out".

Sullen Girl,

I would get out, and soon. You don't want a future with someone who will just outburst like that and over stupid things.

I hate to say it, but I would end it now. If he did this once, he will do it again....and again and again. You don't want that.....he could end up hurting you some day.

Think of not only your happiness, but your personal safety. As soph said, I would rather be alone than to live with someone like that. Even if he is good 99% of the time, it's just not worth it to have to deal with these rages of anger.

Sonic_95 said:

Sullen Girl,

I would get out, and soon. You don't want a future with someone who will just outburst like that and over stupid things.

I hate to say it, but I would end it now. If he did this once, he will do it again....and again and again. You don't want that.....he could end up hurting you some day.

Think of not only your happiness, but your personal safety. As soph said, I would rather be alone than to live with someone like that. Even if he is good 99% of the time, it's just not worth it to have to deal with these rages of anger.

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That's true...I couldn't imagine actually living with him day to day someday and seeing him have another outburst of rage like that. I can't believe how cold he was...it's like there was no one in there...no one inside of him. No humanity at all. He reacted like I just told him that I cheated on him with his best friend or something.

Uggh, I just feel like such a failure...with relationships. I just can't seem to have a successful one. Either I get bored and end the relationship, or I get dumped/ignored. I feel like I had to make up with him even if I intend not to be with him anymore...I so desperately do NOT want to be the "dumpee"; I want to be the "dumper". I don't ever want to feel that feeling again...of being "dumped" by someone you really love. It is the worst feeling in the world. When I was dumped by a guy that I really (thought I) loved, I felt like there was a sinking hole in my chest. I couldn't deal. I cried and cried until my eyes were swollen and red.

I would definitely get out there, no question about it really. If I saw a look like that, I would be gone. I couldn't be in the same room as that guy, never knowing if he would do something. And as far as relationships not working out, that just happens a lot to everybody. But at some point you might find the successful one you've been wanting.

Hi-
So he was mad over oral sex? Then he should have just said "forget it", rolled over and went to sleep. But he chose to escalate into an angry tirade. I don't care if you just told him you ate a baby for breakfast, there's no excuse for his behavior. None whatsoever.
He is taking advantage, whether knowingly or not, of the fact that you feel vulnerable.
The only thing a man like this can do for you is get in the way of you meeting someone who will love and respect you. Don't wait around to see what he is going to do - take control and make a decision for yourself.
Keep us posted-

-Teresa