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I'm 19 years old, I am a "recovering" drug addict, and I am lonely. To start off, I'll tell you a little bit about my past. I started using when I was about 14. It was "fun" for a while, meeting different people all the time, and not really giving a honeysuckle what happens to me next. Just as long as I was happy at the moment, I was alright. I've moved around a bunch in my life. And every place I've been, I've always made friends with the "druggies". So, not only was I addicted to the drugs, I was addicted to the attention that they brought me. (if that makes any sense) When I was about 17 I started getting in a bit of trouble. I'd get kicked out of my house weekly or parents calling the law on me, because they had found something that linked to my drug use. The first time I got arrest I was 17, and that's when honeysuckle started going downhill. I got into messing around with needles and chasing the tweakers, just to get high. It seemed like everything that was going on in my life had just stopped, just so i could get high. My parents left me, and so did the rest of my family. I was living on the streets with no place to go, and I had noticed what had happened to my life, real ******* fast. I stole from innocent people and did all kinds of crazy honeysuckle, just to get high. After I got high, I would just sit ALONE and think about my life. I knew that this was not what God had in plan for me. I tried suicide multiple times with overdoses. It would never work though, I would just wake up the next morning, pissed off at the world. I've been in and out of jail and even got the prison threat. I've been in rehabs about 3 times, since I was 17. I recenlty just finished a 30 day program and I thought it helped a lot. I was sober for a good 3 weeks. But at the end of the three weeks, I started feeling like honeysuckle, because I was always alone. I feel that I don't belong anywhere and that I'm living life through a ******* window. I've got suicide on my mind, alot. But, I don't know if I'm ready to die. I just want to be happy. If you've got any helpful words on this, please send them my way.

sorry, I didn't mean for this to turn into a reading assignment.
God Bless
 
Most people who are addicts use drugs to escape something. It seems to me you're trying to escape loneliness and maybe something more. I don't really have much advice to offer except that you need to find a good program where you can get support from someone and you won't have to end up alone and relapsing. Correcting the reasons you started using, or at least working on them, will help you stay away from it.
 
Welcome :D.

Drugs are a great way to escape, but extremly harmful.
I know this from some experience.
I'm glad you're trying to stop your addiction.
 
Hey Eyes,

Welcome to the site. There are a lot of kind/friendly/understanding people here who are willing to listen and chat with you. Hopefully that will make you feel a little less lonely and help make the pain from the past go away and help you move forward.

Take care of yourself and best of luck man.
 
I actually relapsed about a week ago, but haven't used since. I just haven't really had the urge, which is awsome. :)
It feels like it just made me stronger, as weird as it sounds..
Thanks a lot, guys. I look forward into talking to you in the future
 
I havent done any drugs in five years but I was close to the limit on drugs before. You have to stay sober. Dont even smoke pot. Youll start feeling things and at first those things are going to feel bad. Really bad. That is why you feel this way. Chemicals. Evil evil chemicals.

evil evil chemicals. I never did needles or meth and I wouldnt say I was addicted to anything, but I did a lot of LSD, extacy and various other Dissociatives...and that lead to cocaine. a.lot.of.cocaine

so. You DO feel like honeysuckle right now. It is normal. But STAY SOBER.Suicidal feelings come from chemicals in your brain that make you depressed. Drugs really fresia with that.

Getting really high like that alone is bad. When you are alone things get bizzare sometimes. I know from experience. please dont get high anymore. Go back to rehab if you have to. I went to rehab 3 different times in 10 years, and now im free. 5 years :)

I hated my image in my high school. I was friends with a lot of unpopular people and I was, like I said, high, but it was NOT cool in small time country hillbilly high school usa. So. Cant relate to you there.

Dont do drugs.
 
Well I can only speak from experience on Pot and LSD. These are not for everyone, but neither is flying a plane. Lets leave space to the astronauts and subspace to the psychonauts. So like if you want to like actually accomplish things man, don't toke up... unless what you want to accomplish is on the inside...

Pot is a lot more exciting when you're first getting into it, as opposed to when you sit around doing nothing but smoking chronic all day and barely getting a buzz. Moderation accompanies and improves everything positive in the same way that a good woman compliments a man in all regards. Acid can help you to see the patterns and how they are mirrored in so many different ways through so many different examples and metaphors. For someone with any philosophical aptitude it's sure to ignite or further deepen and complicate a rich life jampacked with those "aha" sensations. I typically find myself feeling happy and powerful for weeks after having one of those.

The best frequency for smoking pot is obviously twice a day: 4:20 am, and 4:20 pm, but do try and cut back, it will just make the next time that much better. As it happens I am in the position to enjoy such a schedule: At noon and midnight I sleep 3/4 hours. At dawn and dusk I operate. To me it is here, when there is transition and change, that is time for being alive, being awake, and taking action. At the points where the day or night have full domination it feels like a time to sleep. Also, I enjoy creative and constructive projects in the morning, and partying or destructive things in the evening.

The difference here is that these were generally positive experiences for me. I never used them to commit suicide or anything like that. As for being escapist... well just about anything can be. Tv, Video games, anything that distracts you from what you should be doing. Stay away from suicide man. I explored reincarnation for a few years and there are a lot of indications if you do reincarnate from a suicide life you just put you right back in the same kind of situations until you learn a better way of dealing with it. you can't run forever, not even death will take it away! And if you know Karma at all, then you already know that the same situations repeat in life until you learn how to deal with it. Well why would death be any different? If you're feeling suicidal something may need to die on some level, but with change and rebirth new passion and new adventures can be found. On the other hand I will also argue on behalf of your right to do so, just as in many Native American cultures, the elderly know when it is their time and begin their final journey, usually through a much more timely process then suicide.
 
You don't make a pot smoking schedule for a self proclaimed recovering addict.
As eris said, it is total abstinence.
 
I've never been much of a drug user. The worst I've ever done is Pot. And I stopped getting baked (lol what is it the 90's) quite a few years ago. For me the decision to stop getting baked was evident, the drug was not fun anymore. I'd end up on bad trips and all to aware that I was sitting around smoking weed when I should have been doing something more important.

I used to smoke cigarettes to, but that lasted less than a year, and the most I smoked would be like, going through a small king in like 2-3 weeks. I still have one joint and one smoke sitting in a case though (both from like 3-4 years ago). I don't know why I kept them hahaha (they have probably gone stale or rotten or something hahaha). The only reasons I came up with are:

1) I wanted to quit using willpower and deciding NOT to smoke rather than "not having any", because I figured this would prevent me from gong out and BUYING more (wasting money).

2) I kept the smoke for my firing squad execution :p

3) Keep the joint in case I meet the perfect young lady who might happen to ask "you got any weed" :D

I agree with Minus and Eris though...it's not recovering if you still use. There is no "happy balance" between substance abuse and getting sober, it's one or the other. I suggest you pick getting sober.
 
Yes, but what many of you are missing is that the "substance abuse" is not the cause, its the effect. The cause is of course the underlying issues that he is trying to escape or commit suicide from. If you don't treat the cause, treating the symptom will never lead to total recovery. That and the imbalance of anything leads to negativity.
 
Of course substance abuse and many other additions are a symptom of a problem, not the problem its self. If it was the problem then just locking someone in a closet long enough to clean up, would cure the problem.

Still it is a self destructive behavior that can in its self lead to more problems. Part of the process of recovery is to deal with the original problems. You can be pretty assured that is not going to be done by someone wasted out of their gourd.
 
I agree with you all. I've noticed how (no offense to some of you) stupid it is to do drugs. They hurt you physically, and mentally, after you come down. haha It's kind of like saying "look what I'm doing to myself, because this happened to me" or "how could you do that to me? I'm going to go hurt myself now"

does that make an sense? It's kind of hard for me to put my thoughts into words right now. My head is still "out there" a little bit. haha
 
It sounds like your progression was pretty fast.

As has already been mentioned, it will be rough for awhile. At times just holding out for the next hour, without going in search of something, can be rough. Slowly things will start to stabilize.

If you have any NA meetings around you, they would be worth checking out. You will find people who have already gone through what you are going through. The fellowship can he helpful.

To make it to the point where you are at now is quite commendable.
 
Minus said:
If you have any NA meetings around you, they would be worth checking out. You will find people who have already gone through what you are going through. The fellowship can he helpful.

yes



Phaedron said:
Acid can help you to see the patterns and how they are mirrored in so many different ways through so many different examples and metaphors. For someone with any philosophical aptitude it's sure to ignite or further deepen and complicate a rich life jampacked with those "aha" sensations.

Yeah, sometimes. At first.

In the summer of '99 I bought 2 of those "sweet breath" breath fresheners with liquid LSD in it. I sold one of them for the price I paid for both of them, so the other one was mine . I sold a few to close friends only, and me and my boyfriend and my friends destroyed a lot of brain cells.. It was probably over a hundred hits. A lot more. I did LSD every 3 days or so (it is impossible to do LSD every day) for about 3 months and I had many wonderful experiences involving candles and music and friends and 3 am trips to the gas station.

I had a lot of those "aha" moments, but I dont remember them. I tried to write down my "aha" moments one time and I couldnt even write my name properly.


Towards the end of the summer I took about 6 hits and went up to Grandview road to just...look at it. This is the view from Grandview road.

from-the-overlook-at.jpg




My friends were out on the platform and things got weird for me. Really weird. They asked me to come out and see the city. I couldnt move. I felt like I was going to fall over the cliff, but it was more than that. I felt myself going insane. All kinds of things were connecting in my mind that really had no connection. I tripped really really intensley all night long. My friends passed out at dawn and I was still tripping when they woke up. It was horrible. I just wanted to stop tripping. My brain hurt. Shadows were playing tricks with me. With LSD you dont really see things that arent there....its that the things that are there take new meaning, and things shift and glitter and such things. I just wanted it to end. So, "bad trips" are real and they can happen at any time. LSD is bad, k ?






.
 
EyesSetToBeFree said:
would it be weird to say that I don't feel right going to meetings?

No it wouldn't be weird at all. A lot of people feel that way for different reasons. Some are only driven into a meeting by total desperation. They are usually happy that they did come in.

The meetings can be one of the best aids available to a recovering addict. It is made up of people who have walked the same path, some ahead of you and some behind you. It revolves around a program for learning how to live in this world without the aid of drugs.
 
eris said:
Yeah, sometimes. At first.

I guess i do have a problem when a recovering addict comes in looking for help and someone tries to glorify drugs to them and and give then a supposedly safe way to use drugs. Seems rather cruel to me.

You are right, drugs are fun at first but for the real addict as with the alcoholic, here is no limit. It becomes an obsession and a craving.

eris said:
I had a lot of those "aha" moments, but I dont remember them. I tried to write down my "aha" moments one time and I couldnt even write my name properly.

Yeah too many of them. Some people solve all the worlds problems while on a good high but unfortunately can't remember any of the solutions once they come down.

Of the ones i remember, these great solutions don't sound as good to a mind that isn't altered with intoxicants. They tend to be overly simplistic and overlook the majority of the influencing elements.
 
"I feel that I don't belong anywhere and that I'm living life through a ******* window. I've got suicide on my mind, alot. But, I don't know if I'm ready to die. I just want to be happy."

same here.. I've been suffering depression for a looooong time and I know exactly what you're talking about! Years of isolation.. loneliness, pain, apathy.. I don't know how to deal with it!
Don't even know what else to say.. just read what you wrote and it was as if I wrote it myself..
By the way I love the song you post in your profile and I've always thought about it as it's so much reffering to my fuckin life! All the lyrics are true for me..

sorry for jabbering and bad English.. wish you happiness!
 
Marigold- really? You think about suicide a lot? It seems like the chemicals in my head have really been screwed around by the dope. I hope I don't stay this way. I don't think I could live very long thinking this way all the time. Like I said, "living life through a window"
 

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