TEARS OF ISOLATION ROLL DOWN MY FACE

Sarcastic enough? Okay, let's get this new thread started.

I am a male. 20 years old. Still in High School. Battling depression and loneliness. Sound familiar? Great, let me get into not-so-fascinating details.

I posted couple times into this forum, and tried to tell how I felt atm, but I guess I went too poetic, as usual in my case. Anyways, I thought I could try again, I need to pour this out of my system, and here it goes:

I don't know what's not doing it for me with people. I am funny (meaning I can crack a joke or two when the time comes), I can talk to people about various topics. Sometimes I even LIKE people who I talk to. But thats pretty rare. I get invited to parties time to time, and even got a "group" I "sort-of" belong to.

But the thing is, I am just **** cold when in private with people. My psychotherapist said (ooh lalaa!) that is just my subconscious protecting me from rejection (subconscious crud, I love it). Connecting with people is tricky with this kind of luggage, and I just don't have a switch to turn it off. Bugger poor old me.

Take this one guy I've taken to his home a couple times after school. He's nice, nerdish like me. Funny jokes, stories, hahaha. But my attitude was probably equal to a taxi driver. I would've like to be with him in that moment, talking and laughing, but I was just detached, cold. I don't even have a reason why.

I like people, love 'em. They seem so **** beautiful when I see them on the streets. I just don't belong with them. I'd like to, they seem so happy.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I really miss me too sometimes. I feel like I haven't seen him for years.

"There are two kinds of people, you and everyone else. And never shall the twain meet."

And for the comic relief:

---

Aw gawd, what did I want to say with this? I guess I want some peer support again. Sorry if you felt this as a waste of your precious time. I'd just like to connect with people. But it's so fuckin' hard.

I like people, love 'em. They seem so **** beautiful when I see them on the streets. I just don't belong with them. I'd like to, they seem so happy.

"There are two kinds of people, you and everyone else. And never shall the twain meet."

Click to expand...

Hi Gruebrush,

First off, about the quoted part of your post and picture - I felt that it kind of fit. There are times where I just feel that I can see myself, but instead of as a part of the world - I am separate.

Are your feelings just limited to people or to everything else as well?

I really miss me too sometimes. I feel like I haven't seen him for years.

Click to expand...

I assume by this, you have not always felt this way?
If so, when did these feelings of detachment start?
I think, for a lot of us, it is simply easier to detach ourselves from situations that could have an opportunity to hurt us.
The people we are closest to, have the power to hurt us the most.
What are you scared of?
Fear of rejection, disappointment, embarrassment etc.

You say that you love people...I think that's great, because I hate them.

But what makes you so certain that you "don't belong"?
And is there even a place to "belong"?
The people out there aren't always the "happy people".
Everyone has their own struggles - some, moreso than others - but we all have to put our bravest faces on when taking the world head-on.
Some people consider it to be wearing a mask to do so, but not everyone is comfortable showing their vulnerable side in public.

As for the questions in my post, you do not have to answer them here, but maybe ask yourself? I feel that I've understood myself a little bit better now that I know the root of the feelings that I have towards others. Once you understand, it is easier to take control and move towards greater progress.

Luna said:

Hi Gruebrush,

First off, about the quoted part of your post and picture - I felt that it kind of fit. There are times where I just feel that I can see myself, but instead of as a part of the world - I am separate.

Are your feelings just limited to people or to everything else as well?

Click to expand...

'Ello.

We can go into a very long philosophical discussion about existence and what we perceive from other people and the world, but it all comes down to this: You are your world. Everything else is detached from you, and our lives is about coming to terms with our own mortality and the feeling of detachment from others. You come to this world alone, you leave alone.

But to answer your question: I guess people mostly. There is nothing wrong with the world, it's the people that get the world wrong. It just is. I often wonder why [people get it wrong].

I assume by this, you have not always felt this way?
If so, when did these feelings of detachment start?
I think, for a lot of us, it is simply easier to detach ourselves from situations that could have an opportunity to hurt us.
The people we are closest to, have the power to hurt us the most.
What are you scared of?
Fear of rejection, disappointment, embarrassment etc.

Click to expand...

No, there was a period where I felt whole. My experiences with people has damaged the very center of my being: I can't trust people, and I can't act naturally around them. I fear rejection, even though I know it's their problem if they don't like me as I am. But I just can't trust them, and I don't know how to fix that.

You say that you love people...I think that's great, because I hate them.

Click to expand...

Hate consumes, love creates. I learned this long time ago. It's better to love than have hate consume who you are.

(1)But what makes you so certain that you "don't belong"?
(2)And is there even a place to "belong"?
(3)The people out there aren't always the "happy people".
Everyone has their own struggles - some, moreso than others - but we all have to put our bravest faces on when taking the world head-on.
Some people consider it to be wearing a mask to do so, but not everyone is comfortable showing their vulnerable side in public.

Click to expand...

OH! How I know these questions! How I have lived them and seen behind the eyes!

1. I guess this how everyone deep inside feels. Doesn't belong, or does belong, matters little. It's an emotion, and a very disturbing one when I am with somebody. It's like somebody standing in front of TV, and you miss half the show. It's not fun anymore.

2. It's called home. Where you can be relaxed and feel whole. I feel detached, and cold. There must be a place called Home.

3. I know this, cause I do this myself.

I laugh, I joke, I smile most of the time because it makes me feel good. But deep down, it's just not to show how sad I feel. It's just easier this way, I play my part and nobody sees what a sad Clown I am. Who would laugh at a Sad Clown?

As for the questions in my post, you do not have to answer them here, but maybe ask yourself? I feel that I've understood myself a little bit better now that I know the root of the feelings that I have towards others. Once you understand, it is easier to take control and move towards greater progress.

Click to expand...

Oh, how I've pondered questions, tried to find answers, and finally reach conclusion that there is none!

There is a core in me that nobody can touch. It's radiating, and it's making me sick.

I would just like to be with somebody, and not feel alone.

You are your world. Everything else is detached from you, and our lives is about coming to terms with our own mortality and the feeling of detachment from others. You come to this world alone, you leave alone.

Click to expand...

Great insight.
The last sentence is what I believe strongly as well.

No, there was a period where I felt whole. My experiences with people has damaged the very center of my being: I can't trust people, and I can't act naturally around them. I fear rejection, even though I know it's their problem if they don't like me as I am. But I just can't trust them, and I don't know how to fix that.

Click to expand...

Much of what you said, could have easily come out of me as well.
I do not trust easily, and as a result, I often find myself questioning people's motives...though I am improving now.

While I have not quite reached where I want to be, I found that doing the following has helped:
- Focus on not carrying negative thoughts from poor experiences with people, when meeting new people
- Less expectations, especially during the beginnings of a friendship or relationship
- Give the benefit of doubt

I tried to find friendship through church groups, work, volunteering, and even a downtown Starbucks.
...and I did not succeed.
People will tell me that "I'm nice" or "interesting" all the time, but it doesn't translate into a friendship.
I had put forth so much effort and focus with hopes of finding a friend, but I now realize that *I* am more deserving of my own efforts than someone else who has not yet earned them. Instead, I volunteer and take up hobbies that benefit me most, with no intent or expectation of finding friendship.
But I am still open to the opportunity should it come.

Sometimes, the easiest thing to do is to simply "Go with the flow".
Give your trust to those that earn it, but it does not mean that you have to be suspicious of others. I think, that just having a more positive attitude, less expectations and focus on pleasing yourself vs others should help a bit.
Sometimes, instead of worrying about the future, it is better to simply throw yourself out there and handle it as it comes.

Hate consumes, love creates. I learned this long time ago. It's better to love than have hate consume who you are.

Click to expand...

It is tiring to hate.
I know that, but that is something I am working on as well.

I laugh, I joke, I smile most of the time because it makes me feel good. But deep down, it's just not to show how sad I feel. It's just easier this way, I play my part and nobody sees what a sad Clown I am. Who would laugh at a Sad Clown?

Click to expand...

That is true. Many people do that as well; who would want to be around a miserable person?

There is a core in me that nobody can touch. It's radiating, and it's making me sick.

I would just like to be with somebody, and not feel alone.

Click to expand...

But what it somebody does reach out to you, and you turn their hand away?

---

EDIT: Sometimes, I wonder if our greatest challenge, is to overcome the desire for friendship/ companionship/ connection through others?

I guess you have to figure out what is wrong with yourself but I also think that are giving the answer in this thread.

Try to approach them but do it positively! Think about why do you hate them, as I may call it, so much when you are alone with him or her. Listen to what they have to say and don't detest them right a way. Think about the question, why are you doing okay in crowds and not one on one.

Btw, that strip that you are showing makes me so sad! I can cry myself.

Gruebrush....

To quote Mumford & Sons... 'Roll away your stone, I'll roll away mine.... together we can see what we will find'....

I have BANG ON exactly the same issues. My psychotherapist (double ooh-la-la with knobs on!!) said that my main problem is that I CRAVE friends and yet I repel them on purpose, cos deep down I don't really want them.

HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE?

By the way, I loved your thread name, it caught my eye. Stick around this time please.

How're you feeling today?