Some advice from a failure.

Today an acquaintance of mine asked me for some advice about dating. Which I thought was strange because when it comes to relationships I’m a huge failure. I was surprised how good my advice sounded. Well at least I thought it sounded good. I guess it’s true that you learn a lot more through failure then you do success. I thought I’d share what little experience I have here. Honestly my advice sounds like common knowledge but you’d be surprised how often people make these mistakes.

Before I start let me just say I am not an expert just a Failure learning from trial and error I just thought others could learn from my mistake.
One of my first dating failures is when I started a relationship and did not know what the other person wanted out of it. People often start dating for different reason some start for sex some for companionship and often others start out of curiosity. You should let the other person know what you’re looking for unless you’re the type that enjoys the deception. If you’re looking for companionship I don’t think there is anything wrong with just telling the person you want someone to share your life with. It helps to know these things because if the other party just wants sex with very little emotional strings attached that relation probably won’t work. The same could be said if you just want sex. It’s not nice to say a bunch of things you think the other wants to here just to improve your chances of getting laid. To you it might be just sex but to the other person you both were making love i.e. skinship. Lying to have sex is not harmless it can cause your partner to feel violated if your intentions become known.

Also if you in a relationship just for curiosity you should also let your intentions known. By starting a relationship out of curiosity I mean experimenting, experimenting is more than just switch from opposite sex relationships to same sex ones. It’s changing your cultural and financial preference of a possible partner. For example if most of the people you dated were low income white women and you find the similarities those women share start to bore you. So try dating a high income Latin woman just to see if you enjoy the experience better is still experimenting. You should let the other person understand, because what might be a legitimate relationship to them could be just a social experiment for you. Anyway my point is let others know your intentions beforehand it might increase your chances of starting a good relationship or at least make breaking up a little easier for both parties.

I totally agree with everything you said. There are all kinds of relationships, and many many people are not up-front about what they want.

I had a discussion with someone on here about open relationships VS serious relationships. We kept butting heads because we were talking about 2 DIFFERENTS KINDS of relationships.

I have been in sexually motivated relationships, but I have always been honest with the person. I will tell you if I want romance. I dont think any type of relationship is "wrong"....it is just that there are SERIOUS relationships and ones just for the moment.

You nailed it, it is about honesty.

There have been a lot of guys lie to me about wanting a serious relationship, and I have gotten hurt too many times to count. I have been cheated on, but i have NEVER cheated on anyone else. Everything I did I did while I was single.

But, I have hurt a lot of women. I didnt want to. I never lied to any of them. I like women sexually but not really romantically. I know that doesnt make sense. I start a physical relationship with a woman and she gets attached and then she gets hurt. I have had a lot of words and objects thrown at me by bitter women...

Have you ever seen the movie Kids ? That is a whole other discussion I guess...

I ran into an old old OLD flame a few months ago. I told him I am married now.

He said, "You are married......you.....are married.......you ?"

He meant that he didnt think I would ever settle down. I guess I deserved that as I used to hump anything that moved, but there are all kinds of things that people can want and love is sometimes what people really secretly want all along...



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Oh, and you are not a failure. Knowing this stuff helps you learn how to make what you want to happen, happen. I think you have a pretty good head start.

Haven--You're NO failure! That was solid and honest advice! The only point where it can fall short is with others, in that a lot of folks have no clue what their intentions are and then there are many still, who are so shallow and self revolving that they wouldn't see any value in thinking out a possible path to a good relationship. They want the immediate gratification of the moment. You sound like you run deep, honest and have a very wise way about you.... We could use a LOT more of folks like you in the world...

Thanks for the compliment. My friends tell me I have a habit of over analyzing things and I should be more spontaneous. Me being wise is boring I guess.

Haven

I think you are my long-lost twin! I am constantly told to "lighten up" and that I overanalyze everything. I can have fun...just not the type of fun most people like (going out drinking and acting like a fool). I think your advice is great; thank you.

Haven said:

Thanks for the compliment. My friends tell me I have a habit of over analyzing things and I should be more spontaneous. Me being wise is boring I guess.

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i over analyze everything too so i know exactly how you feel. sometimes i am my own worst enemy because of it. just know your not the only one.

Haven said:

Thanks for the compliment. My friends tell me I have a habit of over analyzing things and I should be more spontaneous. Me being wise is boring I guess.

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Wise is never boring unless it's being viewed by folks with no interest or understanding for it. I think you can be a spontaneous analyzer too!!
I think your fine just the way you are....


Edgecrusher... I think you are too!