**Trying to hold on*

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outofcontrol

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So like alot of users on this site, this is a first for me as well.

I just wanted to find a way to vent about how I feel. Yes, I am suffering with loneliness as well. Its hereditary, my father has an extreme case of it, but i am so desperately trying not to fall in his foot steps, but as I have grown i have become like him more and more. I have seen loneliness destroy my father right in front of me, despite how hard he trys to fight it. His own family and friends have taken advantage of him in the past which has caused him to be even more lonely and I have witnessed these betrayels at a very young age, and it has left some really nasty scars (emotionally). I was sexually abused as a child by a family member, and later on I became friends with them thinking everything was squashed and then one day they came in to my house and told me that I am a two faced person, made me feel horrible. Excuse my language but i was ready to kill this piece of honeysuckle. Oh by the way this is the same person whos father took advantage of my father financially. I try to be a good friend to the two "friends" that I have, but one always takes cheap shots at me always trying to demean me, Im at least confidant enough to know its jealousy. The other friend is well, more of a superficial type of person who really only thinks about money all the time. I have known these guys since I was in middle school about ten years now. However I dont feel like they are really my friends, they just seem to shallow to me, but i feel like if I cut them off i really have no one now.

I have had tons of women in my life ( im not trying to brag, im just looking for help) none that have honestly made me happy, never understood me or maybe I was subconsciously pushing them away i dont know. Since I am on the topic of woman, I also dont really get along with my mother. She seems very shallow to me as well, then again maybe thats a problem I have, that I realize only in others. Again I am not sure which is why Im here.

At one point in my life I was very scoial, in good shape and happy. Then as i hit my twenties, I started to gain weight, become very depressed and abused drugs. I finally curbed my addiction to weed and smoking and im trying to live a better life, but I still feel lonely and miserable.

I am also dealing with the stress of money, which I find is hard for me to do as well. Most of my life was lived in poverty, again because my father tried to help other ppl instead and neglected his children and ultimately he got screwed at the end. But I don't blame him for having a big heart and trying to help people. The only thing I hate about him is the fact that he didnt help the people that needed it and would have appreciated it the most, his family!

Im 23 years old and have tried tons of ways to help my self, medication, therapy and honeysuckle loads of selp help books, but nothing. I am where i was 20 years ago, lonely child always looking outside his window waiting for the sun to shine on him.
 
*hugsoutofcontrol*

I am so sorry to hear about what happened during your childhood it is just downright despicable to take advantage of anyone let alone someone who has children,

I'm sorry about the trouble with friends, but you should never be friends with someone who makes you unhappy, even if you don't want to be alone

I don't really get along with my mother very much ( becuase she's freakin batshit crazy) so I don't talk to her very much.

and I'm sure your father was trying to do what he thought was best.

but don't worry you're still young, I'm sure your life has a chance to turn around. , do you have trouble with socail anxiety at all? I sometimes do, but just faking confidence helps me.

just be friendly and kind to people and maybe you'll eventually find someone you connect with

good luck

:)

*hugs*
 
You came to a good place. Many people can relate with you and we will all support you.

I am so so sorry about what you went through. When you said you were only 23 I gagged at the thought that all of this has happened to you in such a short amount of time.

I'm glad you found this site :) i hope it helps you
 

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