*The Cursed One*
Well-known member
I'm back, haven't been on here as much in recent months.
Some of you may remember back in January of this year I had visited a prostitute - see this thread (post #22/24) and this one too (post #7). Between February and April I had visited 3 more.
But, as the thread title suggests, I think I may have scored the biggest own goal of my life...?
Without trying to give too much away (privacy reasons), the last time I was going out with my ex-girlfriend was two years ago. We were friends afterwards, but we hadn't spoken to each other for a good while after a huge argument (won't go into it), and I had thought she'd now hated me and would never want to speak to me again. We started speaking again in April this year, and by then she was going back out with an ex-boyfriend of hers.
But, the ex-bf had been cheating on her (like he always did), and so she ended it with him. In June we got back together. Of course by then all activity with any prostitutes had ceased.
The intention had always been to tell her when I was ready, as it was the honest and right thing to do. IMO it isn't fair on her when it comes to getting intimate in case she is not comfortable with the idea, knowing who I've been sleeping with in the past.
And sure enough, I did tell her last month, and she was not happy. The idea that I'd pay for sex made her sick. And I do not blame her.
Sadly we split up later that same month, but it was actually for two reasons. The secondary reason being the prostitutes thing obviously. The primary reason being that, she actually missed her ex, despite him being a cheating, lying *******.
But then, I reckon I was always doomed here.
Think about this - I was tired of society's "unwritten" rules - "if you're 18 and haven't lost your virginity, you're a freak, a retard or whatever - or, if you haven't lost it by age 21 then you've failed in life..." views which I think are complete bullshit because not everyone thinks in this manner. But either way the pressure got too much for me to deal with. And back then, trying to find myself a girlfriend was out of the question - an 'impossibility', I thought, made even worse by the fact that I was still a virgin - I would not be "accepted" in society.
So that is why I spent time with those prostitutes earlier this year, and because I had lost my virginity with the first one, I actually felt that I belonged in society. Because I'd finally had sex. Because I had now done something that society and the media expects you to have done at age 15 or something ridiculous like that. Just I had done it with the completely wrong person, in a completely immoral and unethical way (IMO).
Then I noticed an odd effect. I found that I could deal with seeing couples in the street kissing each other. I could deal with seeing romance/sex content in the newspapers, on the television, and so on. Without going absolutely ******* mental. I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The end result - I started seeing things in a positive light. I was no longer the pessimist I was last year.
On a related note I had just recieved my mid-term exam results from university and I had passed them all with flying colours, so that increased my self-esteem even more.
However I had not bargained with getting back with my ex-girlfriend in June, and surely the fact that I was now in this positive frame of mind meant that I took things better when we broke up. After all, I understood both reasons for the split, and took responsibility for the secondary reason. We still talk as good friends now, but even so I've still lost her as a girlfriend.
Now, to look it from the other side of the spectrum. Imagine I'd never slept with all these prostitutes, and that I was still a virgin. Society and peer pressure would still be taking its toll on me. I'd still be in my negative frame of mind. I'm not sure me doing well at university would have been enough to lift my spirits. If I had gotten back with my ex-girlfriend, we would have still split up last month, except that now the ONLY reason for splitting would be her still having feelings for her ex-boyfriend. To be honest I would not have taken it well at all. I'd have probably said something to her that I'd later regret, and then I would have lost her completely. 100%. I would have spent the rest of my time sinking even lower - "how bad a person must I be to have her snatched away from me?" I'd have thought to myself - and perhaps I would have gone into self-destruct mode.
So to summarise:
If I lost my virginity to some call girls, I would have lost my girlfriend.
If I had NOT lost my virginity AT ALL, I would have STILL lost my girlfriend.
So perhaps it just wasn't to be? I'd have lost her either way. I'm now unlikely to have her in my arms ever again, and it wouldn't have mattered what path I followed.
Replies are welcome of course but not expecting too many, this is just somewhere I could get all of this off my chest. Apologies for rambling on for so long, hope you're not all asleep... speaking of which I need some now, will check back on this thread soon.
Some of you may remember back in January of this year I had visited a prostitute - see this thread (post #22/24) and this one too (post #7). Between February and April I had visited 3 more.
But, as the thread title suggests, I think I may have scored the biggest own goal of my life...?
Without trying to give too much away (privacy reasons), the last time I was going out with my ex-girlfriend was two years ago. We were friends afterwards, but we hadn't spoken to each other for a good while after a huge argument (won't go into it), and I had thought she'd now hated me and would never want to speak to me again. We started speaking again in April this year, and by then she was going back out with an ex-boyfriend of hers.
But, the ex-bf had been cheating on her (like he always did), and so she ended it with him. In June we got back together. Of course by then all activity with any prostitutes had ceased.
The intention had always been to tell her when I was ready, as it was the honest and right thing to do. IMO it isn't fair on her when it comes to getting intimate in case she is not comfortable with the idea, knowing who I've been sleeping with in the past.
And sure enough, I did tell her last month, and she was not happy. The idea that I'd pay for sex made her sick. And I do not blame her.
Sadly we split up later that same month, but it was actually for two reasons. The secondary reason being the prostitutes thing obviously. The primary reason being that, she actually missed her ex, despite him being a cheating, lying *******.
But then, I reckon I was always doomed here.
Think about this - I was tired of society's "unwritten" rules - "if you're 18 and haven't lost your virginity, you're a freak, a retard or whatever - or, if you haven't lost it by age 21 then you've failed in life..." views which I think are complete bullshit because not everyone thinks in this manner. But either way the pressure got too much for me to deal with. And back then, trying to find myself a girlfriend was out of the question - an 'impossibility', I thought, made even worse by the fact that I was still a virgin - I would not be "accepted" in society.
So that is why I spent time with those prostitutes earlier this year, and because I had lost my virginity with the first one, I actually felt that I belonged in society. Because I'd finally had sex. Because I had now done something that society and the media expects you to have done at age 15 or something ridiculous like that. Just I had done it with the completely wrong person, in a completely immoral and unethical way (IMO).
Then I noticed an odd effect. I found that I could deal with seeing couples in the street kissing each other. I could deal with seeing romance/sex content in the newspapers, on the television, and so on. Without going absolutely ******* mental. I felt like a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders. The end result - I started seeing things in a positive light. I was no longer the pessimist I was last year.
On a related note I had just recieved my mid-term exam results from university and I had passed them all with flying colours, so that increased my self-esteem even more.
However I had not bargained with getting back with my ex-girlfriend in June, and surely the fact that I was now in this positive frame of mind meant that I took things better when we broke up. After all, I understood both reasons for the split, and took responsibility for the secondary reason. We still talk as good friends now, but even so I've still lost her as a girlfriend.
Now, to look it from the other side of the spectrum. Imagine I'd never slept with all these prostitutes, and that I was still a virgin. Society and peer pressure would still be taking its toll on me. I'd still be in my negative frame of mind. I'm not sure me doing well at university would have been enough to lift my spirits. If I had gotten back with my ex-girlfriend, we would have still split up last month, except that now the ONLY reason for splitting would be her still having feelings for her ex-boyfriend. To be honest I would not have taken it well at all. I'd have probably said something to her that I'd later regret, and then I would have lost her completely. 100%. I would have spent the rest of my time sinking even lower - "how bad a person must I be to have her snatched away from me?" I'd have thought to myself - and perhaps I would have gone into self-destruct mode.
So to summarise:
If I lost my virginity to some call girls, I would have lost my girlfriend.
If I had NOT lost my virginity AT ALL, I would have STILL lost my girlfriend.
So perhaps it just wasn't to be? I'd have lost her either way. I'm now unlikely to have her in my arms ever again, and it wouldn't have mattered what path I followed.
Replies are welcome of course but not expecting too many, this is just somewhere I could get all of this off my chest. Apologies for rambling on for so long, hope you're not all asleep... speaking of which I need some now, will check back on this thread soon.
