Baby sitting my nephew

Probably the only reason I have had any success over the last year and a half is the fact that I have been watching him. I have learned a substantial amount about myself and our collective mind. It has helped me in more ways than I can imagine and has become a source of both rage and optimism. Even my family has changed since he has come around. The power of babies I guess because alcoholism and cancer didn't seem to stir any of us much.

I remember being so unsure of myself that I never even held him for the first two/three months. Something I don't regret since I've held him a million times now, but I feel as if that was some other person. How foolishly foolish. I have actual hands, capable of touch, capable of being helpful. I can actually see emotions from others, I can read them, I can feel them. I do not need words to express myself to others, the wall that all who are shy run into repeatedly like birds to glass.

I have helped myself because of him, for me.
How in the world could I possibly help him if I can't help myself?
This is the portion that makes me happy.

The portion that makes me unhappy is knowing that this is what is possible from experiencing being a man. How fantastical is just the thought alone of someone caring half as much about me, especially knowing now that I am able to reciprocate it, possibly. That is all wonderful, what isn't is that I can do this for a child, but a woman near my own age I feel more like my nephew than his uncle.

I'm fiercely ashamed of myself for doing this, but I've been trying to use my nephew to meet women. I get so angry because for the first time I think I actually understand at least some semblance of maleness and unless I am misinterpreting it (likely), I don't like what I see. Women get treated like total dogs, everything they do is thankless. I love my nephew but he doesn't give fresia one about how I feel or what I want and is essentially like everyone I've ever bitched about. But he wants me to hold him.

Is all that bullshit about talking down to them true? To think I just thought guys were ******* ********, I guess we're just supposed to be. I had the chance to treat women like honeysuckle when I actually really didn't give a **** at all about their feelings, but I failed even myself in that mind set. Now I can actually relate to them and there can't possibly be any other reaction other than high pitched squeals on their wierdo detectors.

So far at the very least I learned how to make some wonderful cheyenne bell pepper medleys from an older woman at the grocery store.
No more eating just ramen alone in my dreams now!

burndownmyhouse said:

But he wants me to hold him.

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awwwwww

burndownmyhouse said:

Is all that bullshit about talking down to them true?

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No, it's not. I'm sorry we are so confusing, but I, personally, wouldn't be around a person who spoke down to me.

I think women want to feel protected and valued. Provided for and loved. (these are old values but I really think that most women still think along these lines nowadays....) This does not mean putting women down.

Modern women value equal partnership more I think.

I value sweetness, intelligence and wit in my men.

I know fully well that not every guy does that, but it has always bothered me at how much and often I actually hear it. It confused the living hell out of me and of course always made me feel worse because I felt so anxious around apparent doormats. Made me plain hate people in general (and then myself) watching it, work, time and time again.

I know now at least that it never actually "works".
Talking with tongues of ice, power was their only ever goal.
Momentary slivers of divinity that are blown away like dust.
All the propaganda. Gave me twenty eyes in my head.
When you're seeing twenty things in your mind.
Just can't slow things down.

I am thankful I never went that route even though I've been told to and read about it enough times. With the addition of all the nice guy crap too, it just really plain sucks. The reason all these writings are incredibly confusing is because you aren't supposed to need them.

I always felt entirely phony even looking into all those so called techniques.
Which I have never understood because I was always wanting to be somebody else. I've already gone through the first four stages and I guess now I am just simply too learned about the what is of myself to do anything other than accept it and work with what little I have.

That's why I feel so guilty using my nephew.

And lying, but what am I supposed to tell to these women?
I at least made myself promise that I would never claim he was mine.
A laughable proposal anyway, but I like that I considered for a moment that a woman might be having an off day and even though her nose says no, her eyes would be yes.

I know it is wrong and I know I've always lied to cover up myself, but even now being completely honest with myself I just do not even know what to say. I speak to them and lies just fly out.
I simply do not have much about myself in which I want to speak.

Are good lies ok?

I like me. I'm awesome. I've, uh, decided to wait this long.
I was never addicted to painkillers or tried to kill myself.
La la la la la hey jude...

I guess I shouldn't have posted this here.
Maybe I haven't had as much success as I thought.