I'm a sad, miserable little thing...

So what else is new?

Another typical day at work for me.
I feel uninspired, exhausted, and defeated. Despite my cumbersome feelings, I somehow - perhaps by miracle - manage to force myself to show up at work five days a week. After all, I am a working girl and need to support myself financially.

During my hour-long lunch-break, I sat in my cubicle with my elbows on my desk and head held in my hands; fingers pressing in deeper and deeper into my face and occasionally rubbing my eyes now and then.

I am tired.

No matter how much sleep I have - I wake up feeling lacking and exhausted.
If I had to describe how I feel every morning, it could be easily summarized in one sentence:
"Every time I open my eyes, I want to die."

I am not suicidal.
It is not about death, but about this aching longing that I have to finally be at peace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

#1 - Progress?

During my lunch-break, I felt anxious and in attempt to calm myself, I thought: What have I done to try to improve myself and my situation?

One could simply lie in sad misery and fantasize of "What could have been" or "What ifs?" and expect for changes to come without any effort. However, often what is accomplished through waiting...is waiting. Soon the days turn into weeks, and years eventually into decades. I wanted to move forward before it came to that point, so I struggled to work towards progress.

Month by month, I listed in my mind all the things that I had done to "find happiness in myself":

Dec/ January to April - I spent a lot of time skiing in the city, and went on a train trip (for skiing) to Jasper, AB with a family friend.
Prior to this, I had not skiied since elementary school.

Knowing of my lack of social life and perhaps out of pity, the family friend had introduced me to someone my age and I felt this fun, vibrant person in me come out. I toyed with the thought that "Maybe...maybe I found a friend..."
Granted, the "friendship" was new and moreso on a more superficial level, but it made me happier to feel that...maybe I'm not so bad to be around. Perhaps this was just the beginning and things were starting to take a turn for the better.

April to May - He broke my heart. I cried daily for hours and hours and missed a few days from work. The old "I'm not good enough" nagging voice in my mind came out and I was disappointed in myself once again. I continued torturing myself by viewing his Facebook, looking over his text messages and going over the emails his parents (they are beautiful people...too bad your son is an *******) would send...but eventually, I couldn't bear the pain of looking at it anymore and deleted everything. I avoid the major mall in the city now mainly because I'm afraid I'll run into him...and see him, much happier without the burden that is me. fresia...stop crying...stop crying...
To help cope, I always remind myself, that the only man in my life worth my tears was my late father.
Not these ******** who have only served to damage my spirit.

May - July - Within these three months, I would say that I accomplished quite a bit. I got my papers processed for my legal name change and tried to improve my appearance through "newer" clothing and more make-up. I went with my family to BC for the first time, and also signed up for art classes focused on life-drawing.
Despite a thorough self-esteem beating I had during my art classes when it came to my work in comparison with others; and also my failed attempts at trying to form friendships when everyone else was succeeding at doing so...I can honestly say that, overall, I learnt a lot and enjoyed it.
Somewhere in this, I also volunteered at one of the art festivals in my city, and also checked out the many other ones and went to the amusement park with my brothers to try to have some fun.
And lastly, I passed my MFR course with the ambulance so I could volunteer to help with providing First Aid at certain public events.
This, I was proud of because of the high first-try failure rate of this course, and somehow, I managed to pass.

August - This time, I booked approximately 2 weeks off for vacation and spent it with my family again, in BC. I did not want to go, but I forced myself to "get out" more instead of locking myself up in my room as usual.

September - October - I started sorting out my art supplies etc. and I recently bought a table for my scrapbooking and crafts. My arms are still sore from setting it up, but it's about time that I completed my scrapbook for my trip to Jasper!
I still have a valid membership for this little, lovely scrapbooking store in my city, with two free classes. I looked on their website for what upcoming classes they have for the next few months, and felt slightly depressed to see that the themes will be focused primarily on "scrapbooks about love and weddings" "family and friends" "fun, shared memories".

...

Maybe...I'll check again in December.

-_-

#2 - Thoughts...

So please...don't tell me that I need to "get out more".
I have tried and I suppose, will continue trying until I'm dead.
I have no other choice after all.

After all, I still don't have my will made.
After all, my life insurance policy won't pay my family if I commit suicide within the first 2 years from the date that it started. I have 6 months to go.
After all, I have a relative who is very sick now, and should I put her through such anguish, I don't think she would make it.
After all, I have 2 depressed, underage brothers I have to think about...and I'm afraid they'll follow big sis' footsteps.

My family binds me to this earth; if it were not for them, I would have offed my self a long time ago. I love them, but I feel guilty to say this - they don't bring me happiness.
I realize...that nothing makes me happy.

I tried to find "happiness in myself" through pursuing personal interests, hobbies, meeting new people, working on my self-esteem, reassessing my priorities and putting on a "can-do" attitude, but somehow, someway, I always lose the way.

I wish I could talk to my family about this and help them understand.
I want acceptance and closure for them; for them to let me know that they'll forgive me and let me go.
It breaks me that I know that they will not give me the answer that I want.
I want peace.
Call me a quitter, but it is in my nature.
As a child, I quit my piano classes, skating classes, dancing classes, cadets etc.
Quitting on myself...what's one more thing?

You can say, "Chin up!" "Keep on trying"...but not all of us have the strength to endure, and to endure for so long.
You can say "It could be worse"...and I would agree.
Yes, I could very well be a starving child in Africa, but when I'm digging into my fatty, medium-rare cooked steak, I'm not thinking about the children in Africa. In fact, they do not cross my mind unless someone puts it right in front of my face. I could say that I care as does everyone else, but the truth remains that they probably account for 0.01 % of all of the thoughts that I've ever had.
Guess on top of being weak, I'm selfish as well.

You can say "Try to be more positive"...and I have. For how long do I have to try to get my hopes up, with one disappointment after the next?
I tried having none-to-low expectations, but...even so, nothing came out of it.

I'm really, really tired and I wish my family would understand that.
Some of us simply lack the strength to carry on.
After all, it is "survival of the fittest"

I'm tired and crestfallen...why, why do people not understand...?

My child photos are sad and my eyes look so lonely. Not much has changed.

If I could have any wish for myself, it would be that I was never born.
I have mentioned this many times to my family; and one relative has confirmed that, perhaps I was never meant to be.
My mother had a miscarriage and struggled with my birth; so my grandfather had prayed at the temple and "transferred" a part of his life to me.
A relative went as far as to suggest that perhaps if such things did not take place, I may have been another miscarriage.

Oh how I wish that were the case...
If she only knew.

I see how so many people suffer and how sad they are.
To be human, is to suffer.
But again, only the strong survive.
Don't mind me...I'm just weak.

I'll force myself to sleep, and I hope to god that either tomorrow will be a better day, or that I don't wake up.

Aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee





(hug)x 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.

The only I can offer at the moment are cats. I hope you like cats.



I hope you are feeling better when you wake up.

I still have this weird feeling that goin'away skiing till you drop dead would be better than gettina'peration. Happiness wise, that is. But your choice, dear.

Nao.. forget that arsehole and go find someone who isn't mkay? (D) Yes, it is hard, yes you might fail. But hey, I'm sure you will eventually succeed. If I get you right, people are somehow runninaway from ye? Mebbe just grab one and ask 'em wai dey do dat. Sure there must be some weird reason. Maybe one you've never thought of?

Yes, I'd know, for the same honeysuckle happens to me. I get to know many people, talk to them and all. Get happy thinking maybe I got a friend and then poof, nothing. Surely it's not you not being good enough or so. Either you're being too awesome and you scared them away, or you appeared as if you didn't want them (ye I know, but we may appear completely different on the outside. compared to our thoughts), OR they're just stupid and ******** (meaning, you're better off, without them, anyway).

NEXT! Think about what makes you happy. What would make you happy if you could have it? What do you want from life? And then try to achieve it. Keep in mind, though, that it's not about achieving something, but to have fun while being here. You can't be happy in the future, you can't be happy in the past, you can only be happy in the present. If you know what I mean. Enjoy the very moment, and every moment of your life (or at least try to).

Reducing your expectations low, doesn't really help, as you noticed. Maybe try the opposite. skyrockethightothemoonandthestarsandtotheendoftheuniverseandbeyond expectations might be more appropriate, who knows. And then something might happen, surely won't meet the expectations, but hey, better something than nothing, no?

Make-up makes no pretty. No. Na-a. Don't bullshit me. I have my own eyes, thankyouverymuch. Yes, I mean it! There's that hidden truth that almost everyone will confirm (except some shallow douchebags): one smalllittle smile is all it takes. To make you pretty I mean. Doesn't really matter what clothes you wear, what your hair is like, etc. etc. Sure if you take care of your looks you can look more beautiful, but that not quite as desirable, not quite as respected. The less make-up you wear, the better.

You seem to be caught in a feedback loop for quite a long time. Might want to figure out how to break it. Sure there must be someway, methinks. I'm no vicious-circle expert, though. If i happen to think of some stupid idea, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, continue plotting world domination. Might come in handy.
And don't off yeself, we luv you. vewymuch! no, don't do it even after those 6 months. no, don't do it ever. oki?

Luna, I will be the last one to tell you that life is easy. I'm only sorry that you feel sad and worn out like this because I care about you. I wish there was something I could give you to make you feel better...

Luna, I've found that instead of having lowered expectations, having goals that you CAN meet helps with the self-esteem. Maybe just tiny bit, but it helps me.

Can you pinpoint why you feel so hopeless? Is it the being alone? I know isolation is a trigger for me for depression. Is it being stuck in your job when you want to be in school? What is it exactly?

I also sense a genetic component to this, if your underage brothers have depression as well.

Have you ever tried any anti-depressant medications? It might be worth a shot if this depression is genetic.

i know its hard when you've got nobody to fall back upon,,i experience it myself,,and being lonely is the biggest trigger to depression(no doubts about that),,i start thinking weird stuff when i'm alone,,but thats how depression works,,it makes you your biggest enemy,, its like you know self pity is not good for you but still it seems to be the thing to do,,, as far as i'm concerened things went on to the stage when i started finding comfort in cursing myself(how pathetic is that),,,anyways the best thing you could do(besides taking medication) is to talk to people(i'l always be willing to talk to you ),,i hope you get some real friends,,in the meantime,you could always rely on me

---

and PS:- that is not how you spell Gandhi

Read your post too messed to be constructive myself. But feel your pain, you're blatantly a really kind person and I wish I knew you in real life. I know exactly what you mean about family binding you to the earth. If there's anything I can say it's that I'm jealous (only a little bit) that you can do your job and be good enough at art to draw. Even if they don't make you happy at least you have the skills to do them to whatever degree.
That you're of worth to society is an objective fact.
Plz don't give up, you seem like a really caring, hard-working person. I feel like you write (except I'm honeysuckle at art, work and no one's take interest in me for years) but I'm not going to. I like the choice of picture as well.

Luna said:

Click to expand...

I notice there are some talented artists in this forum. I notice this because I am an art enthusiast and art student myself.

So, luna, what do you actually do? What do you mean with this scrapbook? A sketchbook?


I know that with suicidal thoughts, it often helps to think that tomorrow is another day. Why kill yourself today when you can do it tomorrow. -- I have had this motto for long time. But if each day is the same, day after day after day, I get what you are feeling.

You have depression in your family, as I understood you. This can suck big time. I know. But I guess you still have your parents who are ok and living normal.

Just to tell you, you are not the worst off. But that doesn't help either. Nothing I can do helps, really. Maybe you should think about quiting your job? What is it that you really want to do, exept from loving someone?

i so understand. i wish there was something i could do to help. please don't give up and keep taking .steps, your in my heart and thoughts, i truly hope things get better for you.

LUNA I LOVES YOUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

to Luna


I wish you could see how awesome I think you are. And I wish you could feel how awesome everyone in this thread and on this forum and on this planet think you are.

youre what they call " a gem"

i hope you start to feel better.

I may not be in your area, but ill talk to you anytime you want

((((hugs))))

I understand most of what you're going through Luna and I hope that your life will improve, I really do *hug*

I just found this forum yesterday, so please forgive me for not finding your post earlier. What I read was very powerful.
I don't have ageless wisdom to give, or moving insight into the human condition, but you strike me as perceptive and intelligent. just thought I'd let you know that.

You're strong because even though you're dealing with all those issues you haven't stopped striving to improve yourself. You might not believe it but you've also accomplished alot. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You're a good person.